Charity Mom

Thirty-Four

2012-01-25T10:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I turned thirty-four years old. It's been a whirlwind last four days of fun, family, and CAKE between my birthday and Sissy's. The sadness I felt with A's birthday was replaced with happiness, joy, and gratitude for the blessings in my life. Saturday night, my hilariously funny friend Chris and I hosted our 80s movie party. It was so much fun. Think everyone had a good time. MM even won the contest for best costume as Indiana Jones!

Chris and I right before the party. Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court from Say Anything

This might be my favorite picture of all time. This is my dear friend Paige with a photobombing Jason, a new friend I met through Chris. AWESOME. No pic of MM yet. Eventually.

Sunday was Sissy's little birthday party at Planet Pizza. She loved it. Monday night was a small family dinner with MM, me, kids, my mom, and grandma at my house. Last night was my birthday dinner with my soon to be new roommate, Grace (I'll blog about that soon), MM, me, and the girls. MM got the best ice cream cake EVER--Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate chunk with a cookie bottom. Oh so good! Tonight, it's date night! MM and I are going out to dinner then bowling. Silly but fun.

So, now, I'm 34 years old (though a student guessed 27--she's my favorite). As I've said before, I feel as though I've discovered more about myself in the past year.

So, humor me just a bit--in honor of turning 34, here is a list of 34 things about me--

I like my smile.
I don't understand people who don't like pets. Personally, I'm a dog lover, but I don't discriminate against cat lovers. I need a pet in my life for sure.
Maggie's laugh brings the biggest smile on my face.
My volume significantly goes up if I've been drinking. I apologize to all friends who have drank with me.
My favorite alchoholic drink of choice is flavored vodka, preferrably black cherry, and Diet Dr. Pepper.
I'm a Diet Coke addict. I don't drink coffee but I sure do need my diet soda in the morning to be fully functioning!
I love to wear skinny jeans with my tall black boots.
I could eat sushi three to four times a week and never get tired of it. Any place that serves a good Ahi Tuna Tower is solid in my book.
I haven't read a book in a year. This doesn't please me and I need to change it.
Teaching again has been life-changing. Being back in the classroom has re-energized me. It's where I belong.
My French is rustier than I'd like it to be. I need to practice more than the level one practice I do with the students. Time to bust out the books and keep up the French better.
I still can't cook. That hasn't changed.
I really enjoy doing crafts with Maggie. I'm not very crafty, but I can find ideas online (thank you, Pinterest!) and put something together. A lot of times, we just do craft kits.
I can't dance but I really love to. I've been dancing a few times in the last year and had a blast.
I enjoy going to concerts. I don't get to go often and would love to see more shows. Saw Death Cab for Cutie and the Old 97s last year, and have plans to see Ben Kweller soon. Need to see what else I want to see.
I LOVE musicals. Love them. All of them. A's mom and I get tickets to Casa Manana Children's Theatre so I go to a few shows with Maggie. Charlotte's Web is up next. My mom and I had season passes last year to Dallas Summer Musicals. For Christmas, MM got me two tickets to three different musicals. I'm seeing Bring It On, Mamma Mia, and Peter Pan. Rent is coming soon and hoping to get a group of friends together to see that.
I love going to the movies. Love a dark movie theatre and losing myself in what is happening on the screen for two hours. Terrific escape from reality. Haven't been in a while though.
I am TERRIBLE at managing my money. Like, horrible. I've flubbed it up a lot in the past year. Yes, I have a budget. No, I'm not good at managing it. Hopefully, I'll get better and more focused. If not, MM might lose his mind :)
I like a HOT shower. As in, scalding your skin.
I'm obssessive about my calendar and all the goings on. I don't keep an electronic calendar anymore. I use a thin calendar and write everything in pencil. I review it daily to see what I have going on.
Playing in my playroom with the girls makes me happier than just about anything else.
I text too much. Way too much.
Yoga continues to be my favorite exercise. I've gotten pretty good too. Just wish I could yoga more.
Katie's insanity makes me love her even more. She freaking cracks me up every day.
I'm a severe procrastinator. It bites me in the butt at times, but I typically get things done.
My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip. YUM.
I spend too much time on social media. It's a goal of mine this year to adjust this in my life.
I love my friends. As a friend Erin says "like a fat girl loves cake."
I'm getting better at forgiving myself for my mistakes.
I've found a connection to music this year. Sad songs, ones about heartbreak, songs of love--I've found they have all helped me through times and connected to my emotions.
I'm an Aquarius. If you look up the sign, you might see my picture. I am a very typical Aquarian.
I hate peas. It's the one food that really just grosses me out. BLAH
Even with the crazy and hectic days; even with the pain I still have from the grief of divorce and losing my child, I'm happy.
I'm stronger than I thought.

My monkey is turning TWO!! happy birthday, my sweet Katie!

2012-01-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

A Man in Fatigues

2012-01-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

My Facebook status from Friday night--

Have been in an emotional wreck since yesterday. Then a man in army fatigues walked in tonight, held me and reminded me there is a lot of good to come

My status on Saturday--

You know you have a good man when the toddler poops in the tub and he doesn't bat an eye but says "get her out and cleaned up. I've got this." Related--add to the adventures of raising Katie!

My Military Man reminds me daily that he is right for me. That I'm happy.

That I'm falling in love.

Divorce Reality

2012-01-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was A's birthday. Mine is in 11 days. The first birthday we spent together was our 18th. We dressed up--he wore a suit and I got my prom dress early--and went to a fancy dinner at The Mansion on Turtle Creek. We were young and in love. A and I spent every birthday from then on celebrating with a dinner or something with friends and family on MLK weekend in between the two dates.

I have never had a birthday as an adult that didn't include Andrew Scott.

And now, my birthday is in less than two weeks. A was yesterday and Katie is the 23rd. We have split our custody up. He has them the weekend before up until Katie's birthday party with all of us. I have them Katie's birthday and requested that I have them an extra night (they are usually with him on Tuesdays) for my birthday. I have MM who will be with me at everything, including dressing up as Indiana Jones for the 80s Movie Themed party I'm throwing with my friend Chris.

Yesterday, I ended up in bed at 8:30 crying. I cried for about two hours off and on and didn't go to bed until well past 2. It's not just the birthday. There is a lot of other things going on that have occupied my thoughts. I'm a zombie today.

I've heard others say after divorce and finding someone new that they are thankful for the divorce because it led them to someone new. I do not feel this way. I'm thankful for MM. I'm incredibly thankful for his presence in my life and I'm so happy with him. However, I can't say I'm thankful for divorce. I will not say that I am thankful that the family I loved changed and the man I cared so much for my entire adult life left me. I miss A. I miss our friendship. I miss telling him things and him understanding because he's been apart of my life for so long. I miss the history and the dream of the life I thought we would lead forever.

That is the harsh reality of divorce.

Most days, I'm doing ok. Most days I can find my happy within the crazy, hectic, fun life I have created in the last year. There are those days, like yesterday, that are an earthquake in my life, shaking that happy. Today, I'm feeling the aftershock. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Hello 2012

2012-01-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

Each year, I typically do some kind of end of year blog post recapping the year. I don't think I'm going to do that for 2011. I couldn't have been more happy to say goodbye to a year. I am very ready to put it behind me. I think I'll look back on 2011 as a defining year. One of complete transformation in my life. Nothing is as it was at the beginning of last year. I was brought to my knees at times. I hurt, I laughed, I cried. I found me again.

I ended the year on a high note, having the best week with my children, friends, boyfriend, and family. I had a wonderful two weeks off.

So now, instead of looking back at 2011, I'm choosing to look forward. 2012 already promises to be so much better than its predecessor. It shouldn't be one of major life changes (Dear Lord, please don't let it be another year of major life changes). Hopefully, it will bring some more stability in my life.

Here are a few things I'm looking forward to in 2012--

80's movies theme joint birthday party at my house for me and my friend Chris. Chris and I connected instantly and bonded over divorce. He's like my brother now and I'm grateful for the fun we have together. I was very fortunate to make some new friendships last year that I hope to continue to build and strengthen.
Spending more time with MM just the two of us. I love our time together. We are silly and fun and love to go out, but we have quiet, easy nights together too. I'm in bed right now blogging from his laptop while he is next to me watching the Cowboys game. Not much more I need.
Spending time with MM and our kids. He met Maggie last Wednesday. It could NOT have gone better. Maggie has happily accepted MM's place in our life and now calls him by the nickname Katie gave him, Ha. I will meet his two girls next month most likely. Four girls, ranging from age 2 to 14, are a lot but we're both excited about the times we will have ahead of us.
Watching Tracey marry her love. Tracey is engaged! After what is undeniably a really terrible end to her marriage, Tracey has found love and happiness. She and M are getting married in May and I could not be happier for the two of them. First up, we shop for her wedding dress in a few weeks!
Returning to Europe with students in June. I was pregnant with Allie in 2003 the last time I took 8th graders to France. Just a few days after the school year ends, we board the plane with twenty students between my school and another in the district. I can't wait to watch as students experience Paris for the first time. I love seeing their faces light up when they see the Eiffel Tower for the first time or helping them get over their fear of ordering a meal in French.
Finishing my first year of teaching. It will feel SO good to have one year under my belt. To know the full curriculum for the entire year and not feel like I'm barely ahead of the game. I can't wait to feel like I actually know what the heck I'm doing!

So, you see, I have high expectations for 2012.

Happy New Year everyone. May 2012 bring you happiness, love, and plenty of laughter.

Best.Santa.Picture.EVER!

2011-12-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

Random

2011-12-14T08:18:00.000-08:00

No order or reason for this blog post. Just random thoughts floating in the head....

School is out in three more days. THREE. Also in three days--MM graduates from his officer training class and I have a boyfriend who lives in the state during the week. Going out with a group of friends to see my friend Chris perform in a Christmas play and we will be celebrating.
Really looking forward to the holiday break with my girls. They are home with me every day. The week before Xmas, I have them evenings too. The week after, A has them every evening but I have them during the day. We have some fun things planned with playdates, a sleepover, going to look at lights. Maggie and I are going to leave Katie with my mom and see my student in the Nutcracker with the Royal Ballet. All good things
A and I rarely exchanged gifts. Birthdays, Valentine's, Christmas--we just didn't do it. We easily went years just buying something for our home or not doing anything at all. He gave me a gift on my birthday last year for the first time in years and it shocked me. I told MM I'm fine not exchanging gifts. I don't need anything. He very firmly informed me that he is NOT ok with that. So, I've been trying to think of the right thing for him. Thing I figured it out (can't write about it of course since he does read this blog) but just need to get it all together. Need to take the girls to get a gift for A as well.
Allie's birthday is this Saturday. The girls and I are going to Medical City Hospital to visit Dr. Goldman and deliver his annual birthday cake on Friday after school gets out. It is A's weekend with the girls but he is allowing me to have some time with them on Saturday, so I will pick them up and take them for lunch. Meeting Frances, A's mom as well. I miss her and being a part of that family. Will be nice to be with her a little bit. I'm very thankful that A and I are so respectful to each other when it comes to Allie. No matter what, we are connected because we are raising two children together. We communicate just about every day about the children and we get along fairly well. We've had a few fights but for the most part, we actually get along better than I expected. We can even laugh and small talk at times. When it comes to Allie, we have a bond that will never go away. We share something there. No one else knows what it was like to lose their daughter, Allie Scott, but the two of us. No one truly understands that pain and that lose besides Andrew. He and I have promised to never deny each other the children on days that are special regarding Allie and we will always respect that grief for the other. I appreciate that about our relationship.
I don't know how, but I have managed to maintain my weight since June. I am a size four and fluctuate between 126-128 lbs. These are words I've NEVER said before IN.MY.LIFE. I don't know how long I can keep this but I hope a while. I'd like to stay between a size 4-6 if I can. I love trying on clothes and feeling good about how I look. I would like to really buckle down on the exercise front and start toning and taking care of the flab I have but we'll see. Helps that MM is in excellent shape, runs all the time, and eats healthy. He motivates me too.

I think that's all I have for now. Sorry for the random. I will most likely not post much over the break beyond a photo or two. I don't have internet at home anymore (to save money). So, unless I use MM's internet card, I won't write much.

Military Ball

2011-12-08T09:17:00.000-08:00

I've been needing to sit down and write about the weekend and the ball. It's hard to put into words how perfect of a night it was or how truly proud of MM I was. I'll try to do my best...

It wasn't just the ball. It was a full weekend in Norman, Oklahoma. We met there Friday night, him coming from Ft. Sill and me coming from Dallas. It was cold and rainy but we decided to venture into Oklahoma City for dinner in Brick Town. Thanks to Twitter, a friend gave us a recommendation to try a wonderful restaurant called Nonna's. Delicious. We laughed and talked. We discussed plans for the holidays, our children, work and our ambitions. We ate and ate. Perfection.

Saturday was a quiet day for me. I am constantly on the go in my life. Between school, kids, dating, etc, I rarely have time to stop and just be alone and have me time. Most of us don't. So when he apologetically told me he would have to be gone for hours for his annual physical evaluation, I was more than ok with this. He left early to drive out to his brigade headquarters, leaving me lounging in bed. I watched a movie, texted friends, painted my toes, and simply RELAXED. It was decadent. We met up in time for lunch, but then it was time for him to go and rehearse his part for the ceremony that evening and I was on my own again.

Time for the ball. I LOVE my gown. It fit perfectly and was comfortable.  I saw other women tugging and pulling at their dresses or looking uncomfortable. I got myself ready, hair and makeup before slipping on the dress.  That moment of putting on my dress and turning around to show MM could not have been better. For years, I have felt invisible.  A was never good at compliments or expressing himself. I would often fish for a compliment, standing and turning while asking "do I look ok?" Typically, I got no more than a quick glance and "yeah, hon." If I got my feelings hurt, he would reply with "you know I'm not good at that." I did and so I always let it go. I didnt realize how much I was missing until I started hearing compliments. I didn't realize how good it truly felt.  So, the moment I turned around to face MM and see him light up and tell me I was the most gorgeous person he knew, inside and out, I almost cried. He gushed the entire night about how I looked and told me time and again how lucky he felt to have me as his date.

He truly made me his princess that night.

First was the reception, prom like pictures included. I giggled while smiling during our photo. We walked the room with people coming up to us at almost every turn "Hey Chief!" (MM is a Chief Warrant Officer so that is what they refer to him as. That or Sir). Since it's the National Guard, many of these people have known him for ten plus years. Many of them served beside him in Iraq. I loved seeing how people respond to him; how well respected he is amongst his peers and superiors. More than once I was told "you couldn't be with a better man than Chief 'MM.' You're a lucky woman." I already knew this, of course, but hearing it from people who have known him for so long was wonderful.

When we entered into the room, we had to go through the receiving line of the big wigs of the brigade. MM was asked there to take over as the Battery Commander of his unit, something we knew was coming but was made official then. This is a big deal because there aren't many warrant officers in this position. Just goes to show you what kind of man he is. This was the "Year of the Warrant Officer" where that group helped run the ball. MM had a speaking part more than once. I stood beside him during the toast as he shouted out his toast for 400 people and was so impressed. He had nothing but confidence in speaking. He had one other part later. What he didn't tell me about the ceremony? He was getting an honor! Not just any honor but the highest of the evening! He was inducted into the Order of Saint Barbara, recognizing him for his work and dedication. I think 8 men received this honor. He now has a medal with a red ribbon to go with his dress blues uniform (oh my, I haven't mentioned the dress blues--he loved my dress but I equally loved his crisp, sharp uniform and how incredibly good he looked in it!!).   I was so proud of him! He has dedicated so much of his life to the military. He is very humble and would never do anything for the recognition, so he wouldn't make a big deal of it to me. However, it was a big deal and I respect him tremendously.

After the ceremony, we got to changed into "civilan clothes" to head back down to dance. Neither of us claim to be able to dance, but we wanted to enjoy the party and dance together. We lined danced with the group and stepped on each other's toes a few time trying to teach ourselves to two step laughing hysterically as we did. We slow danced cheek to cheek.  Once again, he made me feel as though a crowd wasn't around us. It was just us dancing and no one else was near. He has a way of looking at me like it's the first time every time. He has a way of making me feel like the most important person in the world.   We laughed and danced until late in the night, hanging out with his friends. It could not have been better. Total perfection.

The ball is done. My dress is hanging back in the closet but the glass slipper still fits. I'm still his princess.

Turning into a princess for the ball

2011-12-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

The look on my face says it all. I'm happy (MM took the pic)

2011-11-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

Boyfriend

2011-11-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

It's been 8 weeks with my military man. Boyfriend has not become a word I like anymore than I did before, but it is what it is. He is my boyfriend. There, I said it. For his privacy, I will continue just to call military man or MM. This is my blog and my willingness to share so openly. It's not for everyone and I whole heartedly respect that.

I am having so much FUN with him. We laugh all the time together. He treats me like a princess. Everyone morning, I wake up to a text message wishing me a good day. He is in officer training class until mid-December (is it December 16th yet?!?) and out of the state during the week. Of course, that means he has PT most mornings and has to be out exercising at some ungodly hour of the morning (hi, talk about motivation to stay in shape--my boyfriend runs all the time and is in great shape!). We text throughout the day and talk at least an hour at night. I was in such a foul mood yesterday and upset about something. We talked from 8:30--11:30pm and by the end, I forgot what I was upset about in the first place.

Katie and MM have met. She calls him "HA." Don't read into that for his name--sounds nothing like it! We've had a few nights where Maggie has had something else like a sleepover or during the day activity with my mom where MM and I have taken just Sissy out to play. Naturally, he's smitten by the crazy sweetness that is Sissy. He's met my brother, mom and grandma. We're having an adult Thanksgiving with just mom and "Mom Mom" since neither MM nor I have kids at all that day. My mom describes him as a keeper and says she really likes him.

We won't meet Maggie or his girls for a while. My goal is by my birthday at the end of January, he has met Maggie. I want to wait to get through the holidays though. I broached the subject of a boyfriend by telling her about Tracey and her now fiance getting engaged. "You know, Mr. M was Miss Tracey's boyfriend for a long time. What do you think if Mama had a boyfriend sometime?" Giggling, she responds with "Oh MAMA, that would be SO SILLY because then you would have to KISS him!" His girls are a bit older and I want to really be respectful and go slower on that. We have time. He's not going anywhere.

This weekend, I'm going to the miltary base to spend time up there and see more of his world. The first weekend of December, we have the military ball. I have a gorgeous dress that is very classy and elegant. My goal--to not look like I was wearing a flipping prom dress. I'm almost 34 years old for crying out loud! I felt silly shopping for the dress and my girlfriend Paige and I did walk out of the first dress shop because it was screaming SPARKLES! GLITTER! PROM! Um, NO. I love the dress I chose and I'm starting to get really excited about the ball.

So, there you have it. I'm someone's girlfriend. A pretty special someone at that.

Je suis Madame Scott

2011-11-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

I loved teaching when I did it before. Quitting to take care of my baby girl when she was sick was an easy decision. Missing it every day for years after was the tough part. I tried convincing myself that it was ok. I didn't need to teach again. I had already taught the best students, I told myself. I was content with Heroes for Children and liked my new career. I was ok. Except I wasn't. I missed teaching. I missed the constant interaction with students. I missed the school environment and speaking French. So, in October last year, I made the final decision to return to teaching and starting telling a few people of my plan. As luck would have it, my mentor teacher was retiring after 39 years of teaching, and the principal trusted her to help find the right replacement. This job was meant to be mine.

We announced in December to the board and staff that I was leaving. It was the same day that we closed on our new home. I remember saying that my life would be so different and everything was changing. I had NO IDEA how true that statement would be a few months later. In January, we sent an email going out to over 11,000 constituents announcing my stepping down. No turning back. It was out there and this was happening.

In March, A ended our marriage. Panic set in. My marriage was over, my career was changing, and I was panic stricken. Was this the right time to then make a massive career change? Would this, including a significant pay cut in salary for me, put me too far over the edge?

Could I do this?

More than three months after returning the classroom, I know without a doubt, the answer to this question is a resounding YES. I could do it. I AM doing it.

I LOVE TEACHING AGAIN.

Granted, there is the tediuous exhausting and frustrating parts to this job. The grading consumes me and I am often behind. The curriculum is entirely new from what it was before and is proving to be more of a challenge for me every day to figure out how to navigate my way through it. I have to get three of us to three different schools before 8am which is often a race of the clock that I lose. It's a lot of work, but boy do I ever love it.

I am the co-sponsor of National Junior Honor Society as well as the Department Head of Foreign Language. NJHS is a tremendous amount of work. We have over 150 8th graders in the group and there is a lot of activities and high expectations of the students. I love my co-sponsor and working with her makes my job even better (we even were twins on Twin Day for Red Ribbon Week!)

I've found ME again this year and in this. In so many ways. One of the biggest things, I found myself happy again professionally. I am EXCITED to go to work each day. I love my students who are silly and fun. They write me notes and hang pictures they make for me on my board. We have "video vendredi" every Friday with my 8th graders where we watch something silly on YouTube. Today is a video of Mr. Bean at a restaurant because we're reviewing food.

Je suis Madame Scott et je suis très heureuse.

DIVA

2011-11-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

Last week, my DIVA turned six. How is this possible? How has it already been six years with this child and WHO WILL MAKE TIME SLOW DOWN SO SHE STAYS YOUNG?!?! My sweet and beautiful Maggie is now six. I think it will just be a blink of an eye before I find myself saying sixTEEN instead of six. This does not please me.

Here are six things about my diva six year old--

1) She's a fashion girl through and through. Maggie loves all things about fashion and wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up. She loves nothing more than to go shopping. Doesn't even have to make a purchase. She literally hugs clothing in stores when she sees something she really likes. She loves dressing Sissy and picking out her clothes. She dresses up her stuffed animals and dolls. I walk in her room some mornings to find Minnie Mouse dressed in a hot pink sparkly top and a baby doll dressed in Maggie's pajamas. Cracks me up.

2) Crafts are our fun thing together. For her birthday, she wanted lots of craft projects. From coloring her own umbrella to making lip balm, we have plenty of projects to do. We love sitting together and doing crafts after Sissy goes to bed. She begs for craft night.

3) Soccer. NOT.HER.THING. We tried it. Our last torturous game is this Saturday morning. We're the parents on the sideline yelling "Maggie, run! No, follow the ball! Get in the game!" She says she likes to play, but we really think it's about cheering her friends and playing with everyone on the sidelines. Going to games is just a beating.

4) This is her first year in Daisy Scouts. That's more the pace of my delicate flower. She loves it. This weekend, they are planting their garden that they will watch grow this year. She is always asking if it's Daisy Scout meeting day.

5) We just got into American Girl Dolls. Someone gave Andrew a new Kit doll that he gave to her. Our first trip to the American Girl Store/Bistro was for her birthday on Sunday just Maggie, me, and the three grandmas (A's mom, mine, and my grandma). We bought Kit a new outfit and the movie and Nana bought Kit's bed set. Maggie picked out what she is asking Santa for (Kit's best friend Ruthie and two outfits). She is so happy with this new interest for her. We loved our lunch at the store. She declared it the best day of her life with that and the birthday party a few hours later.

6) Maggie is a terrific big sister who loves her Sissy so much. I asked her the other day who the funniest person she knows is. She giggled and laughing said "Sissy!!" No matter what mood Maggie is in, Katie makes her laugh. She loves her and never fails to kiss, hug, and play with her Sis. She gets excited for her time away from her to have one on one time with just me or just A for her date nights (we plan one a month with each parent/each child) but she is so excited when reunited with Sissy again. Her love for her makes my heart burst.

Looking forward to what this year with Maggie will bring us. No doubt there will be drama, sparkles, lots of pink, plenty of snuggles, and so much love. Happy birthday to my sweet diva.

Maggie turned SIX yesterday!!

2011-10-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Flowers, the Fair, and a Card

2011-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's the simply things that can make the biggest impact. Flowers sent to your classroom before a first date? I cannot describe how fun it was to have two giggly teenagers walk into my classroom a few weeks ago with a gorgeous arrangmeent of flowers and excitedly ask who they were from. Or how fun it was to open a card from a man I was really excited to see again. We met at a "tweet-up" happy hour with some friends I have on Twitter. He reluctantly agreed to go with a friend after just joining Twitter. We chatted a bunch that night then began messaging on Twitter. We talked for a week before our first date.

The date could not have been better. We went to the fair a few days after our first date and spent most of a weekend around each other. At the fair, we laughed ourselves silly on crazy rides and rollercoasters. We ate corn dogs, shared a turkey leg, and kissed on the midway. It was perfect. The time I spend with him could not be better.

Then the confusion set in. How could I date TWO men? How could I like this man so much if I barely knew him? How could I keep my "no relationship" relationship with the "Non-Boyfriend" if I want to pursue something with the new man? Could I be ready to give up what I had with NB for a real chance at a real relationship?

I broke up with NB last week. I took a huge leap and decided to give it a shot with the other man. We should give him a name now, huh? For his privacy, I won't use his name. Let's call him the military man. He's career military (hi, really hot soldier? YEP) and currently an officer in the National Guard. Last night, I bought a very beautiful and elegant formal dress to wear to the military ball in December.

Breaking up with NB was difficult. We always agreed we would continue the way we were until it didn't work for us for whatever reason. We agreed we have a strong friendship too. I have spoken to him since Sunday and I know he is struggling with his divorce and our breakup. He didn't want to break up but COULD'NT be more than what we were. He didnt want us to end but didn't want to stop me from pursuing something great either. He thinks I'm NUTS for getting involved quickly (I agree), but he hopes ("well, maybe only 80% hope") that it does work with military man and me. I miss talking and laughing with him and I sincerely hope we'll be able to still be friends. I just don't know yet.

So, now I'm in a relationship. I have....a....boyfriend. Do you know how much I don't like that word? It feels awkward and new. It scares me. I'm terrified of getting hurt again or feeling too strongly for him, but I'm trying so much to go with it. I want to be with him. I care so much about him. He makes me smile, laugh, and melt. He is kind, attentive, and caring. He treats me the way no one has ever treated me before. When he looks at me, it's as if there isn't another person anywhere around. Even when surrounded by thousands in the middle of the fair.

There is a forced separation for us right now that helps us not got too fast too soon. He is in officer training and away during the week. He comes home on the weekends but there are four little girls between the two of us that need our love and attention, so that has to be balanced. I see him as often as I can and talk/text contstantly. I wake up to a sweet text everyday wishing me a good day or reminding me when I see him next (that would be tomorrow. 6:30. So ready). We each still go out with our friends. He's met several of my friends and will be having dinner at Tracey's to meet her and her boyfriend the first week of November.

Last night, I opened my mailbox to find a card. Y'all, he bought a card. Wrote in it. Put a stamp on it and mailed to my home. Thanked me for "taking a leap." Yeah, I melted.

I don't know what will happen next with us, but I'm looking forward to finding out. I took a leap. He says he will catch me.

I'm the Bomb Dot Com. LOVE MY JOB

2011-10-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

Celebrating a beautiful marriage of an awesome couple

2011-10-02T14:54:00.001-07:00

Tracey, the beautiful bride Deanna and me!

Me and the love bug at the Heroes for Children 5K

2011-09-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

Who is Jenny?

2011-09-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I've been a part of a whole for the past 16 years. I wasn't just Jenny, but a part of Jenny AND Andrew. My identity was wrapped up in the safety of this family I had created. In this man that I loved. We became Jenny and Andrew so early in our lives, it was all I knew. Now, without that AND Andrew after my name, who am I? Where do I fit and what do I want?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Here's what I know--each day, I'm learning something about the Jenny now. The adult I am becoming. Yes, I'm 33 years old, but I may just now be learning to really be an adult. One who isn't dependent on someone else but navigating through life on my own. I'm doing the things that most do in college or in their early twenties. I'm finding myself. I'm writing the checks, keeping up with the house and doing the maintenance on the house (not well, mind you, NB made fun of me the other day for saying I didn't know how I to change the lights on my ceiling fan because of how the glass cover is on it. I caught serious stuff for that one!). It's not always smooth, but I'm making my way through it.

Lately, I feel as though I live two lives. First and foremost is that of mom/teacher. I am a single working mom who stays up late to get everything done after the girls go to bed and rushes in the morning to get three people to three different schools. I have gotten the girls and I into a routine and doing activities that are our thing like spending nights playing in the front yard doing chalk art with Brandy running around us or playing in our playroom for hours laughing. In many ways, I feel like a better parent than I've ever been because when it's just me, I don't have another person to turn to with this. My girls and I are becoming our own family unit. My days are just as busy as my nights. I've reinvented myself in my career with the return of teaching. I'm Madame Scott again and I love it.

Next comes the life of the single girl. As I've mentioned before, Andrew gets the children more than a typical standard custody agreement. So, he has them overnight twice a week and Fri--Sun afternoon on the 1st and 3rd weekends of the month. Sometimes this changes. We try to be flexible with each other and our schedules. I have a lot of free time. More than I need to be honest. So, I'm the single girl.

My single girl weekends are fairly planned and packed. I've made a few new friends and gone out with a few single girlfriends on occasion. I go out on dates sometimes. Mainly it's when NB and I have the same off nights which can be rare. We spent a lot of time this weekend together and it was great. I keep myself as busy as possible during my nonmommy times. My single girl time is fun but I always feel that twinge of strangeness, the duplicity of this second life still not yet comfortable. I am learning to get more used to it. I've adjusted to not having a ring on my left hand and I like flirting when there is the opportunity. However, by the end of a single girl weekend, I'm anxious to grab my girls and hug them extra tight, but I'm filled with fun times too.

So who I am now is not yet to be fully answered. But I'm discovering something new each day.

I wonder what I'll learn tomorrow?

Love you sweet Allie

2011-09-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

September

2011-09-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

If you are a longtime reader, you know my feelings about September. You know that my anxiety starts in early August and doesn't subside for weeks as we head towards my least favorite day of the year--September 13th. September 13, 2004 was the worst day of my life. Yes, this year has been tough. 2011 will go down in my books as a really tough year that I overcame (see that optimism right there?). But NOTHING compares to 2004. Nothing compares to watching my daughter go through chemotherapy, 85 blood transfusions, a stem cell transplant, and so so much more. Nothing compares to losing my nine month old baby girl to this horrible disease called cancer.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I do what I can to promote this. My school is sponsoring Heroes for Children and getting involved with the 5K Run/Walk. I'll be out there on race day with my girls. I want September to get as much awareness as possible about childhood cancer and what families go through. However, at times, I just wish September just simply didn't exist.

I decided to take off Tuesday for Allie Day, as we call it around here. Frances (Andrew's mom), my mom and I are taking the girls to the zoo to see our favorite animal. Must see the giraffes on Allie Day! Hoping we can even feed the giraffes that you can do at the Dallas Zoo. I try to make it fun for the girls each year and do something as a family. Our family is a different dynamic this year, but I will still make it as fun as possible for my girls. Maggie doesn't truly understand what Allie Day is significant for. She is excited that Allie Day is this week and happy about our plans. Andrew will get them around 5:15 or so Tuesday night for his normal night with them. I'm sure he'll try to do something with them too. This is the first year we haven't had a family dinner. Luckily, my sweet friend Nikki is taking time away from her own family to have dinner with me. We'll go to dinner and then I might meet up with a few other people afterwards.

What I dread is coming home that night to an empty house of just me and Brandy.

It's been 7 years since I last saw my baby girl. I miss that cherub blue-eyed giraffe loving girl just as much as I did on September 14, 2004 when I woke up without her on that first day. The pain is different. I don't wake up every morning thinking of her right away anymore. My mind first goes to her pretty and fun sisters. I don't cry all the time. It's a dull ache that is always with me. It just gets magnified around this time.

I'm doing alright. I promise, even though this blog post is fairly sad. The girls and I had an AWESOME and fun weekend all together. It was nonstop fun and Maggie declared the best part of it was "spending time with you, Mama." Work is insane but terrific and I have some of the greatest people in my life. I have way more good than bad in my life and I have memories of that beautiful girl that I cherish every day.

Thank you for your positive comments and support lately. They mean the world to me. Keep them coming and WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS.

New Territory

2011-09-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

So much about my life is new to me. It's a time of discovery and learning. From learning the new curriculum and methodology of foreign language instruction to figuring out things Andrew typically handled for our home, I'm experiencing something new. Let's cover some of the big ones, shall we?

Adjusting to School Life I forgot about those fun rushed 25 minute lunches! When I taught, I would get so excited about the summertime and lunching with friends for an extended period of time. I used to get so excited about it. Then I worked in a job that required me to lunch with people as often as possible. Business lunches were so common place that I got burnt out of being at restaurants. Come next summer, I'll probably be so excited again. I love my school so much. I'm truly happy there and love the school environment again. The teaching itself has been like riding a bike. The time in front of the students is just as natural for me as it was back then. My students are challenging, fun, funny, inquisitive, and eager to learn. My principal could not be a more incredible man and one who deserves and gets the respect of the faculty, parents, and students. He is the kind of principal I would like to have leading a school Maggie is attending (she won't go to my school when she goes to middle school). The workload is tremendous and of course I'm already behind in my grading. I found out that not only am I the foreign language department head but also the head of the other nonmusic elective classes. Talk about a bit of a shock on the first day of teachers being back at the school! Oh, and that I was teaching a 6th grade class that I wasn't expecting on top of the 2 7th grade, 3 8th grade and the Advisory (like homeroom) that most of us has too. I am the co-sponsor of the National Junior Honor Society (yes, both of these positions come with an additional salary benefit and I need that right now). It's just a bit busy. :) I'm so grateful to be back in education and I know without a shadow of doubt that I made the absolute best decision for ME in this career change.

Time Without the Girls This could quite possibly be one of the toughest parts of the divorce. A tradiontional divorce grants the noncustodial parent one night a week. With Andrew being such an active and loving father, I agreed to two nights, overnight. I will NOT allow my hurt and pain to affect my decision in the unlimited access he deserves as their father. Frankly, my daughters don't deserve that. They have a wonderful father who is active in their lives. This is important. So long as I continue to feel that he is providing and loving the girls and this isn't affecting their days at school, I won't change this, no matter how hard it is on me. It's not about me. It's about the two loves that need both of their loving parents. However, that doesn't mean that them being out of my home is easy on me. It is excruciating at times. I drop them off Tuesday morning. Since he picks up and drops off directly at school, I don't see them again until Thursday after school. I found myself practically running into Katie's school building to get her this week. I keep myself as busy as possible on my nights off. I've only been able to be home alone for the entire evening ONCE.

Dating Nothing serious, but yes, I have been dating. I am in no way interested in a relationship but I do like the company and well, the attention too. After years of very little attention, no compliments, and the feeling that I wasn't being even looked at, it does feel good. Andrew recently said to me "I provided for my family, took care of you and the girls, and made sure you were safe, but I wasn't a very good husband to you. I know that." Damn that hindsight. I see it now and know what I was feeling for a while in the marriage was that of being invisible or worthless at times in his eyes, but I never acknowledged it until now. For the past few months, I've been casually seeing a guy I met at mutual friend's house. Both of us are going through VERY similar situations. For his privacy, I won't give you many details about him. Let's call him NB (that would be Nonboyfriend as I refer to him as when a friend will say "oh, but he's not your boyfriend"). He's not originally from the US and has a great accent and English words that I've never heard before that he teaches me. He's funny and charming and I enjoy his company. He opens the car door for me and compliments me constantly. God, I forgot how nice that feels. We talk divorce, our exes and heartbreak, and our children A LOT. We also go on silly dates like rollerskating, see movies, and laugh over stupid stuff. I've been out with other guys too, and he always knows (met a hot guy on the airplane coming back from California. I've met up with Hot Airplane Guy once and may have drinks sometime in the next few weeks). There is no commitment or jealousy because we're not exclusive and won't be for a long time. He knows I still love A. Dating is interesting. It is both scary and exciting. I dated last as a CHILD. Think about it--A and I were 17 when we started seeing each other. I had some boyfriends in high school before him, but nothing serious. I never dated in college. Never dated as an adult. The first date I went on with NB, I was so nervous. Getting to know someone new is interesting. I knew everything about A. Our history spans across almost half my life. I didn't need to tell A about my prom night because he was my date. Now I find myself in that strange still trying to get to know the other and showing your best side stage that I never really experienced before. The good thing with NB is that with busy lives, kids, and work, we don't see each other that often. This is good because there doesn't give us that time to become too attached or jump into a real relationship. I'm light years away from that right now. This is about as close as I want to get. We'll see how long it lasts.

Not Relying on Andrew I'll be honest, I'm not so good at this one yet. I still find myself wanting to reach for my phone and tell him everything that happened in my day. I still go to him more than I should. I know this doesn't really help either of us. A was my support and rock for so long. I went to him with everything and relied on him for just about everything. I took advantage of the way he took care of me and the girls and allowed myself to be blissfully unaware of things he handled. Now, I'm in charge of the finances, having to do things around the house on my own, and it gets tough. I trust A completely with our girls and their well being. We still will text about them daily, but I think we'll hit a point where it will be less of the other stuff too. We had a long talk Thursday night that I think was really good for us. I think it helped me turn a corner in how I've been. Life isn't easy for either of us right now. I think I finally see and understand how hard this is on Andrew to right now. I know that he is dealing with his guilt of what this has done to both the girls and me. I haven't always made it easy on him with holding back biting comments or not throwing the "but this is YOUR fault" slap back in his face. I'm trying to get better at it because frankly it doesn't help. Our situation is what it is. My goal this week is to try to only interact with A only about the kids. To create the distance we both need to help us heal.

Changes in Friendship I won't go into detail much on this one at all and I ask you not to comment on it please. It's still very raw, but there have definitely been changes in who my friends are. Debbie and I no longer speak. Again, I will not discuss but just know that is why she hasn't been mentioned this summer.

Being Divorced Yeah, this is an understatement, but just simply being divorced in it's entirety. Calling A my EX husband instead of my husband. I usually say husband still and then find myself stumbling to correct myself and throw that ex in there. The newness of this is still very fresh. Until Friday, I have cried every day at some point since the finalization. Didn't cry Friday or Saturday. Did today. That's progress. Any kind of progress is a step in the right direction.

So you see, it's all new territory. It isn't easy but as I've been reminded more than once, this unfortunately isn't the worst life tragedy for me to survive. This is hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined, but this is survivable and I will survive it.

I want to take a moment in this blog post to say a huge THANK YOU. As I've said before, I read every comment I get on this blog. Your support has meant a lot to me and even though most of the commentors are strangers, I don't feel it anymore. I recognize your name when it comes to me via email that you commented. Especially those of you that have been commenting for a long time. I feel surrounded by so many people, even virtually. Please know that I appreciate I still have a safe place to journal and write out my feelings. I'll be honest, I've been very nervous about this blog post and talking about dating. I am fine with the decisions I'm making for me right now, but I just don't want negative comments or judgment. However, I realized that most of you who come and read here and nothing but care and support. So many of you have written that you just want to see me get better and heal. I think even the dating is a part of that healing process.

So there you have it. If you survived reading this long long blog post, let me be the first to congratulate and apologize to you. Guess I had a lot to ramble on about tonight.

Thank you all.

Post Divorce

2011-08-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

I just typed an entire blog post about how I've been emotionally post divorce. I realized it was too raw to hit send. I'll try to figure out what I want to say here on the blog, but for now, I'll just say I'm here. I'm loving my job and my students. That and the girls keep me going on a daily basis.

I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm hurting.

Better In Time

2011-08-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

Better In Time
Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Go in, come in, thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one, thinking that I
deserved it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
You didn't notice, you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is, I'm a be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

How could I turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me?
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let,
hurt my feelings
But that's the path, I believe in
And I know that, time will heal it
You didn't notice you, you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is, I'm a be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

Since there's no more you and me
It's time to let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes, I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

First day of school

2011-08-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

Back Where I Belong

2011-08-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

I'm tired tonight so I won't do a long post. Just a quick blog post to tell you how much I love being back in a school environment. Last week was four days of new teacher inservice and this week is jammed packed with inservice both at my school and then with the district foreign language department. Seven days from tomorrow, I'll be standing outside my classroom greeting students. I CANNOT WAIT. There is a ton of work to do from now until then to be ready (did I mention I agreed to be the Head of the Foreign Language Department at my school?!? No, well, yeah).

At least professionally, things are as they should be and I'm right where I belong.

Finalized

2011-08-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

As you can see from the photo below, I escaped the Texas heat this past weekend and traveled to California. I grew up in the East Bay and moved to Texas at the end of 7th grade. I've reconnected with some friends and was fortunate to be able to travel and stay with a friend. We did a little tourist stuff then visited the old neighborhood before spending the rest of the time with other old friends. I laughed hysterically for hours on end and smiled at old memories. It was exactly what I needed before my summer officially ended. Special thanks to Tom, Jeremy, Amy, Amber, and Adrienne for making it a wonderful trip. I will NOT lose touch again. XOXO

School started today for new teachers with inservice. That is a whole different blog post, but I'm happy to be back in education and a school environment.

But as I said, that's for another day.

Before I started work today, I got divorced yesterday.

I am officially divorced now. With changing the date of finalization to Tuesday instead of my original Monday, Tracey couldn't go with me due to an important appointment. Luckily, Deanna and my friend Melissa (who most of us lovingly refer to as Meli) were able to go with me. Meli picked me up and we went to get De on our way to the courthouse. I cannot tell you how much it helped me to have them to stand beside me during this process.

Standing in front of the judge and reading the "prove up statement" formally requesting my divorce and listing my children and information about our marriage was HORRIBLE.

I sobbed through it. You stand at the podium and read the statement exactly as it is written. All I had to do was fill in the blanks. I began to cry when I stated that we were married on June 5, 1999, and I cried as I continued through the document. De and Meli sat in the courtroom silently crying with me. The hardest part? The section that mentioned my children. My divorce decree was prepared (thank you to my mom who retyped all my chicken scratch notes to complete it for me) with only Maggie and Katie listed. This is because it pertained to child support and custody. However, the prove up statement was worded different. It read "There were ____ children born/adopted during the period of the marriage." Then it had blanks for childrens ages and names.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Having only listed Maggie and Katie on the decree, I worried the judge would question me too much if I put Allie in the document. What if that affected my divorce being finalized. On the other hand, how could I possibly only list Maggie and Katie and say that two children were born during the marriage? THREE beautiful blue eyed babies were born. THREE wonderful, loving, sweet, precious baby girls enter our lives during that marriage.

In the end, I did end up stating that three children were born and listed Allie as deceased in the space for age. Yeah, try reading THAT out loud to the judge granting your divorce without crying. IMPOSSIBLE. I sobbed through it all and heard De and Meli's sniffles behind me. I choked as I read the final line of request that the judge grant me a divorce.

Two minutes after I stood in front of the judge, I was declared divorced.

16 years together, 12 years of marriage, 3 little girls, 2 houses, 2 apartments, 4 cruises, 5 trips to Europe, 2 major deaths, and COUNTLESS memories--it only took a judge less than two minutes to declare it all over.

I cried for hours yesterday off and on. The girls took me to breakfast afterwards. When I looked up to see Tracey and her boyfriend walk in, I collapsed into tears in her arms. The love and support I received from them was what I needed. That's not to mention the texts, emails, FB messages, and tweets I got from friends near and far sending their love. I was so loved and supported.

I know that some of you are wondering right now where Andrew was during all this. I know because others asked right away. He was not required to go to the courthouse. When I filed the initial petition for divorce, Andrew signed a waiver and had it notarized that he accepted the terms and things presented in the divorce paperwork. In an uncontested divorce, he didn't have to do anything further. That's ok for me. I had some control in my situation yesterday, something I haven't felt as though I've had since it all began. It was me handling this divorce in the timeframe that worked for me. That is good. He approved the divorce decree and we went through the terms of the decree together to make sure we had the best decisions made for our girls. The county requires by law that both of us take a court ordered parenting class for 4 hours about parenting in an divorce as effective co-parents (don't get me started about that). Both of us took the class and agreed that we are acting in the best interests of our daughters with everything we do.

So, I'm divorced. I've started a new job. I'm moving forward.

Escaped to California for the weekend. Courthouse pushed back to Tuesday

2011-08-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

Random

2011-07-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

Just a random blog post about various things in my head. I don't tend to get more than 4-6 of sleep (if that) a night these days, so I feel like my thoughts are all a bit jumbled.

Here goes....

Crazy Katie turned 18 months this week! We call her the Wild Child now. She is truly INSANE. Sissy never stops moving and is a complete whirlwind around this house. She makes me and Maggie laugh hysterically with her antics. She's fearless and destructive. Life with Sissy is never boring!
Maggie starts kindergarten next month. I can't believe my BABY is almost a kindergartner. Of course, because it is also my first day of school, I most likely will not be able to take her. Andrew will come to the house early to drive her to school. Katie will be going to a private preschool (where Maggie went until the end of May) that day as well. August 22nd will be a big day for all three of us!
Speaking of going back to work, holy cow, I go back two weeks from tomorrow. Our summer has flown by and I'm almost a teacher again. I have a lot to do before then and really need to get cracking.
Two days before that, I'll be divorced. I go to the courthouse on August 8th to finalize the divorce in front of the judge. Tracey has it marked on her calendar to take me, knowing full well I need someone by my side. The worst part about it is the "prove up statement" that has to be read. If you use a lawyer, he/she does it. If you don't, you have to read it to the judge. States when you married your spouse, when you ceased to live as a married couple, children's names, and says that the marriage is no longer supportable and you request the divorce. I highly doubt I will make it through that without sobbing.
I miss camp and my camp friends. I am flying down for a meeting on Aug 6th to San Antonio and then hosting a pool party at my house later in the month with the Dallas/Ft. Worth folks (most of us them live in San Antonio and a few in Austin). I miss the great people that are involved with camp and the kids.
I have the next two weekends off from my kids (5th weekends are split. He has them this one, I have them the next time there is a 5th weekend in October and then he always has them the 1st weekends of the month). I both love and hate these weekends. The breaks are nice and I keep myself busy and try to have some fun things planned. However, I miss them when they aren't here. It's hard to sleep in the house without them. This weekend is a bachelorette party for Deanna and a musical with my mom. Not sure about the day time activities (though I might just be recovering on Sat from the bachelorette party!). I'm very lucky to have great people in my life I can make plans with, like having dinner and a movie with Tracey tonight. They are my lifeline and I'm blessed.

How about a few pictures, shall we? Told you I'm random today!

If you're watching My Little Ponies, you of course need to have them with you!

This picture CRACKS ME UP. Sissy didn't want to be in the stroller (she needs to GO!) and Maggie isn't going to break her pose and smile

Wild Child in action

Fourth of July fun at Traceys--Amy, Tracey, me, and Deanna. Love them so much

Seriously wouldn't be surviving everything without Tracey

Me and Deanna on T's birthday before we went in to see a psychic! I need to remember to blog about that!

Sissy helped me unpack from camp

Maggie and I had a special Mama/Daughter Date just the two of us. She declared it the "best night of my life!"

She chose Wing Stop for our dinner on our date. Love this girl so much it hurts

Silly Sissy during Maggie's swim lessons. She was a trooper getting carted to daily swim lessons for four weeks

Maggie being silly and dressing up

Sweet Brandy chilling out on the couch.

My Happiest of Happy Places

2011-07-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last week was "summer fun time out in the sunshine!" Camp Discovery time! For the seventh summer in a row, I was the Arts and Crafts Coordinator for Camp Discovery, a kids camp for children with cancer ages 7-16. If you're a long time follower of my blog, you know that it's my happy place. My happiest of happy places really. For about two weeks leading up to camp, I found myself constantly thinking about it. I was even described by a friend as sounding like a giddy 8 yr old when I talk about camp. I love it. I love the people, the kids, the activities, the crafts and projects we do, the cheesy songs that get stuck in your head for days on end. I love it all.

This was my BEST summer yet at camp. Our arts and crafts schedule was more packed than usual, with the campers coming to our area four times during the week per cabin group instead of their usual three times. We did major projects. Not just one, but three, plus more beading time than we've ever had. The campers were awesome. The counselors are truly some of the best people I know.

Seven of us flew into San Antonio from Dallas and arrived to the hospital where we meet each year to load up our stuff and head out to Kerrville where our camp is. My first year, I remember watching all these people hug for the first time after not seeing each other for a year and feeling a bit awkward. I knew no one and they were greeting each other as if they were at a family reunion seeing loved ones they held dear. I stood and watched as they all hugged and found a group of other newbies so we could awkwardly stand together. Now, seven summers later, I am a part of that family and a part of that reunion. THE HUGS. Oh, the hugs I got when I arrived. I can't tell you how badly I needed those hugs or those people. After months of pain with the separation and divorce, I needed to be there with this special family of mine, enveloped by their friendship and love.

We pulled into the camp and a counselor said, "we're home, guys." Yes, we were. For the next week, that was our home. We would have Happy Nappy time, activities, a carnival, dining hall food for breakfast lunch and dinner, a dance, and so much more. Most importantly, we would be working with some of the most inspirational and amazing children. There was a fourteen year old girl with a prosthetic leg (coolest prosthetic ever with the entire thing detailed with a photo of the Beatles) who had not been able to be without her crutches at all in PT. What did she do at camp? SALSA DANCE. Now THAT is the magic of camp.

I could (and do) talk incessantly about camp and what we do. I could tell you for hours about songs, funny things people said or did, our late nights getting ice cream after the campers were in bed, and of course, about the campers. I could tell you how I was ridiculously stupid happy every single day. The happiest I've been in MONTHS.

Camp is magical.

We are not allowed to share photos that include campers, but here are some other camp photos. This doesn't even scratch the surface of how great Camp Discovery truly is. Pictures will never fully be able to do that.

On the plane with Charlie. Charlie has been a great friend for years and I am so thankful for his friendship over the past few months. He's really been here for me.

On the plane silliness

The Arts and Crafts room. My home away from home!

Me and Amy. Love this girl and all her snarkiness

The tough part about being at camp--being away from my loves. Luckily, Andrew set up FaceTime on my MacBook and I was able to see the girls a few times during the week and called every day.

Paint isn't just for birdhouses, you know!

To go with our hero theme, we had wounded soldiers from the Center for the Intrepid join us on Tuesday of camp. These three guys hung out with us in A&C for an activity period and were incredibly inspiring

Amy excited to tie dye. We only did it this year because she loves it and begged me.

I'm not so much a fan of the tie dye

And this would be why. After two straight days of tie dye (this photo is after day one), I still have dye in my cuticles one week later. It's chaos and messy as heck, but the shirts turned out great and the kids had fun.

Took this photo for Maggie. We had a superhero theme week, so this was me ready for our dance. Amazing what being 50 lbs less will do for you--I danced almost the whole time. White girl, uncoordinated dance moves, of course, but I danced! HAHA

New activity this year. Watched The Incredibles outside after our campfire. Very cool

I always love the chalk art that happens in my room every year

Indication we did a LOT in A&C this year--this is all empty boxes we threw away!

It's not Camp Discovery without JELLO WARS! Picture a soccer field filled with baggies of jello, cans of whipped cream and a five minute free for all. Disgusting yet so much fun!

Me and Charlie right after Jello Wars. I blame him for the glop of whipped cream in my ear!

Gotta love a guy who rocks purple tights to jello wars. :) My friend Brandon

Love counselors. My job is work, but NOTHING compared to all the work they put in during camp.

Johnny, our Co-Director. Highly respect this man.

She was happy with the end result of her tie dyed creation. Worth it

Body in Transformation

2011-07-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Just like the rest of my life, my body has been transforming. One year after beginning my yoga journey, I see a very different girl in the mirror. I'm now 127 lbs (OMG!!!), a loose size four/small, and I just bought my first bikini today (not a friggin chance I will post a picture in that). The size 6 skinny jeans that I FLIPPED out when I bought (yes, there was jumping up and down in the dressing room) are now too loose.

I blogged a few months ago about how I have modified my eating. I still keep to this. I eat much less and I don't stress eat. Unfortunately, I went the opposite direction for a while where I could barely eat some days when the initial separation happened. I lost 15 lbs out of sheer stress and pain. Now, my weight has stabilized. I have weighed this since mid-May, but my size is better. I'm still doing portion control, while allowing myself a few unhealthy things on occasion. I did eat a hot dog and cupcake yesterday. Just didn't eat more than one cupcake or a hot dog and a hamburger. I did it in moderation.

Right now, I'm still going to my yoga studio. It's sporadic though. When I can get there. This week, I will luckily get myself there three or four times. My body feels so much better when I do. I purchased a four dvd yoga set to do at home, and I set up my treadmill. I've been walking a track with a friend sometimes too. My goal is to increase my psychical activity to do something each day--besides, chasing Katie around which, trust me, is A LOT! My big goal is to learn to run and participate in the Heroes for Children 5K in September for the first time (I won't be working it this year).

This is the first time in my life I've liked how I look. I love trying on clothes. My girlfriend just gave me a bunch of her things. Today, I wore an XS top. No joke, XS. I have bought a few cheap sundresses at Target, without even trying them on. This is huge. I try everything on. I love dresses now, and even shorter ones like the one I wore to my going away happy hour.

I still struggle with perception. I still see myself as bigger. I struggle to believe I'm really this size. Though I've seen the number on the scale since May, I step on every day expecting it to be a mistake. I start with a Large top in the store and often work my way down to a small. I told my girlfriend emphatically that there was no way the clothes she was bringing over for me would ever fit. They looked way too small. No chance could I wear that tight fitting cute size small top. They all fit, even that top.

The new size is helping contribute to the new self confidence too. I'm finding myself in so many ways right now. I'm finding that I don't have to rely on anyone to get things done in my life. I can do them. I AM doing them. I have been out with friends and flirted some with men. Because I like how I feel, that comes across. I've been out on a date or two and have liked being complimented on how I look. Don't go reading into that too much, readers, I'm in NO WAY ready or wanting to jump into a relationship of any kind with anyone. It's just nice to be noticed again. I was the one still in love in our marriage, not him. I haven't been genuinely complimented in years. A made me feel safe, secure, and happy, but I fished for the compliments. I can't tell you how good it feels for someone to tell me I'm pretty again. I had stopped thinking I was at all.

My body, my mind, my life continues to transform.

More Weight Loss Progress (compare to March blog post to see where I've come since then)

2011-06-28T20:54:00.001-07:00

Changes

2011-06-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

After my dad died in 2000, I remember my mom renovating her home. She had new floors put in, purchased new bedding, repainted her kitchen, and even changed what was the living room (his favorite room and where he passed away) into a different dining space and made the formal living room her new regular space. I remember her telling me then that she HAD to make this change. She NEEDED these changes to remain in that house and move forward with her new life.

I don't know that I fully understood her strong desire for these changes until recently. Now that I am faced with 16 years of memories around every corner, I feel it. While it is stressful that I'm in this big house (dear lord 3300 sq feet is A LOT of house for one person to keep up with, especially with Miss Destructive Baby), I'm starting to be a bit more grateful that he left me in the house we've only lived in for months and not years. The other house was more manageable, yes, and cheaper, but it was also full of memories. I brought all three of my babies home to that house. We had it built, picking out every detail together and coming throughout the construction to see the progress. We were so young when we built it and I worked a second job at Outback Steakhouse to help us with the cost. I painted every room and he did a ton of handiwork, including all the tile and laminate flooring. I don't have nine years of happiness living in that home staring at me daily. I have a house he lived in from December--first of April. It's a lot of work, but there are a lot less ghosts.

However, I feel the need to make the changes. With the exception of one picture of us with Allie and two of us with Maggie as a baby that Maggie has requested in her bedroom, all pictures that included Andrew have been put in a closet. My wedding photos, our trips together (cruise picture, us in front of the Eiffel Tower), and ones of us as teenagers (prom, high school graduation, silly one of us peeking out through streamers) have all gone to the guestroom closet. Any photo I thought he would want of the kids and him, his family, him as a child, etc I packed up for him and gave to him last week. Packing up the things he didn't take when he moved could be an entirely different blog post--how I held it together sorting through most things but lost it when I found his favorite childhood costume, a NASA suite that was the source of many family jokes.

Heroes for Children got me a beautiful gift of a large frame that people signed at my going away party with a collage of photos from the evening. I lovingly took down the huge photo of us with Allie (me kissing the top of her head while he kissed the top of mine) and replaced it with this new photo. With a large empty gameroom of missing furniture and his big TV, I turned it into a fun kids playroom for the girls. They love it. I miss having the second living room that I could retire to after the girls go to bed (living room is right off the bedroom hallway and when I try to watch TV there, Maggie sits on her bed and yells to me about things!), but I'm adjusting to having this fun new space for the girls to play.

My bedroom is currently undergoing the biggest transformation. I purchased new bedding and pictures for above the bed. I'm finishing painting the room today a pretty blue/grey color. Tracey described it best as a pewter. I'm making the room MINE. The bedroom furniture is what we purchased together as a big Christmas/birthdays/Valentine's gift to ourselves I think back in 2005 or so, but everything else will be mine. Picked out by me. The bedding is beautiful (thank you, Target!), delicate, and slightly feminine. My mom is helping me with painting and playing with kids while I do it. Maggie has declared she and I a team and has even helped in the painting process too. Read--more work but it makes her happy. Read also--MOM GUILT in a major way and I will let her do most things to make her happy.

The room will be completed tomorrow. I've made friends with the young neighbors across the street--four roommates renting from a relative of one of theirs, two boys and two girls in their early twenties--and had the guys help me and mom move furniture yesterday. They said they can come tomorrow morning and move it back in place for me. Given that I can't do it myself, I will happily wait until tomorrow. I can't wait for it to be finished. I can't promise that I will post pictures of the room. I may want to safeguard that and keep it private. Who knows though. I might be so damn excited that I post it and want to show off. We'll see.

Making these changes in the home and my life (separate blog post coming about my new size and new found confidence because of it) helps significantly as I navigate this transition. This summer is all about transformation. Everything is changing. Some things are out of my control and some I can do something about. Maybe that is why I love painting my room and redecorating it so much--it is completely within my control. Maybe I needed to regain at least a little control to keep me pointed in the right direction.

Loving our first week home for the summer!

2011-06-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

HFC Going Away Happy Hour

2011-06-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Cannot fully describe how much I love these photos and the people in them. This was my going away happy hour on June 9th. What a journey it's been with Heroes for Children.

The whole crowd with me and Larissa hugging in the middle

The Heroes for Children staff. Some VERY hardworking women.

Larissa and me.

Sometimes the staff can be a little silly. You should see how slap happy we get after events!

The very FIRST HFC volunteer and our Office Manager, Cheryl.

My mom and me

Larissa begins to toast me. I know I'm not going to make it without crying. Her speech was wonderful

Like I said, wasn't going to make it through it.

Then they said I had to make a speech. Cried through the whole thing and attempted to thank everyone as best as possible.

"To Jenny"

Me, Brooke, and her mom Jill. Brooke is one of my favorite patients and her family is extremely special to me. She made this painting of the two of us that now hangs in my playroom. LOVE

Opening the gift from Brooke

Allie's beloved oncologist (heading straight to the Mavs game after) Dr. Stan Goldman and his wife Ellen

My partners in crime! Well, our my Vice Chairman of the Board, Christie, and my Chairman of the Board Allan. Best travel companions and terrific friends!

Leaving Heroes for Children

2011-06-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day. June 17th is almost here. My last day as the Executive Director is tomorrow. I've packed up my office, changed my voicemail, and had my party (pictures coming). I'm verklempt. I cried as I removed the framed Dallas Morning News article about Allie's dying off my wall. Larissa sadly had to leave town yesterday when her grandmother died, so we had to tearfully say our goodbye yesterday. Of course, we're seeing each other next week, and we have a Board of Director's meeting the following week. As her husband Kenny said, "for God's sake, she's not moving to Pennsylvania! You'll see her all the time!"

Below is the email I just sent out. Tomorrow will be an emotional day. Larissa was going to take me to visit Allie and my father's grave tomorrow (you know how hard that is for me), but with her being gone, sweet Tracey has offered to take me. I need to go. I need to see my Allie and thank her for these past seven years. I need to thank her for the blessing she has given me. I don't know if I can do it alone.

I truly appreciate all your comments of support and love lately. Please know I read EVERYTHING. I'm holding up. I'm doing ok. I'm emotional but I laugh, smile, play with my girls, take deep breaths too. I'm making some new friends, meeting our neighbors while we play in the yard with the girls, and finding new experiences (Maggie and I gardened the other day! I've never gardened before! I'm taking myself to a movie tonight. Alone. For the first time in my life).

I'm moving forward as best as I can.

Dear Board, Advisory Board, Staff, and Leadership,

I can’t believe the time is really here. It seems like I was just announcing my news that I would be stepping down as the Executive Director in six months. Now, my last day as an employee for Heroes for Children is tomorrow.

It’s been an amazing journey with Heroes for Children. From sitting around Larissa’s kitchen table and Randal Locke initiating a vote for me to join Taylor’s Angels to where we are today, I’ve enjoyed it all. I’ve been challenged, encouraged, and supported throughout the years. Each day, Taylor and Allie’s memories have been here with me.

I want to sincerely thank you ALL for your involvement with Heroes for Children and your faith in our mission to serve the families. I appreciate your support in this new journey in my life as well. I have accepted a position as a French teacher for 7^th and 8^th grade. I’m replacing my mentor teacher from when I taught in the district seven years ago. I’m thrilled and very excited. I get the best of both worlds—continued involvement with HFC as a volunteer and board member AND the career I once loved so much!

You are all wonderful. A few quick specific thank yous—

HFC Staff—WOW!! You could not find a more dedicated group of women! Thank you for the hours of work you have done, the laughter you provide, and the friendship I will take with me for years to come.

To our original HFC board members Randal, Cheri, Allan, Cameron and Larissa—Can you believe where we are today?!?! Gosh, I remember us thinking we were big time when we opened this office in 2005 or pulled off the luncheon at Cameron’s with success! We would not be here today without you and the groundwork you laid down for this organization.

To Allan and Christie—I said it at my happy hour but I’ll say it again, there are no better travel companions than the two of you. Thank you for what you do for HFC, but most importantly, thank you for your friendship.

And finally, to Larissa—I don’t even know where to begin. You are my coworker, my friend, MY SISTER. Taylor has changed my life forever and I thank you more than I can ever fully express for the gift of sharing her life and legacy with me and Allie. I’m so proud of what we’ve accomplished and will continue to do because of our little girls. Thank you for everything. I’m always here and always your sister and friend. Love you so much, Lar!

Of course, as we all know, this is NOT a goodbye. You’ll see me very soon!

Love you all,

Jenny

Is it Friday yet?

2011-06-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

Oh this week! This week has been insane, painful, and full of big milestones.

This weekend was my first full weekend away from the girls. I stayed at a friend's poolhouse and then one night in a hotel with a girlfriend. I booked girls nights, lunches, brunch, and everything to keep my moving the whole time. It was a fun weekend. I missed the girls so much. I went from Thursday morning to Sunday at 5pm. I was able to see them on Saturday afternoon to get Maggie's hair and makeup ready for her ballet recital. I sat with tears watching my precious girl dance, smile, and wave to me on stage.

Sunday was our 12th wedding anniversary. Friends met me for a brunch and kept me laughing. Twelve years. Sixteen together. Looking back, I have no regrets. I am thankful for the years we had together and I will never wish we didn't have them. It was painful. I suppressed tears throughout the day. Gave in to them in the quiet and privacy of my own bedroom late that night.

Monday, he moved into an apartment. He's close by and has found a place that he feels will provide a good home for the girls when they are there. The finality of that move hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a wreck on Monday.

Tuesday morning, I appeared at the courthouse and filed the initial petition for divorce. The chipper lady behind the counter happily helped me and hummed as she was stapling my paperwork and I had tears streaming down my face. I want to be able to have this completed before the school year begins. If it's time to move forward, then it is. We have a sixty day waiting period. Both of us are required to take a parenting class, and we will finalize the divorce decree. Everything has been agreed upon respectfully with our children as number one priority. He will continue a STRONG involvement in the lives of our daughters and we will coparent well.

Tuesday night was the girls' first overnight in the new apartment. What I know I have that some other women have--no worry for my girls when they are with their father. I have no doubt, hesitation, or concern that they are in the best care. I used to joke that Andrew would be a better stay at home parent than me. I went to dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine from cancer camp. When I came home to that big empty house, I felt that pain in the pit of my stomach. I know that eventually I will get more comfortable with my alone time. I may even come to really love it and need it. Right now, it scares the crud out of me and I try to stay busy instead. I couldn't fall asleep. Think I *maybe* got three hours of sleep and it was broken at best. Thank goodness for music right now. It's my lifeline. I'm constantly listening to something and connecting with the lyrics. Most listened to right now--Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You," Mumford and Sons "Little Lion Man" and "White Blank Page" (the whole CD really, I'm currently obsessed with them), U2 "Walk On," Michelle Branch "Breathe," and The Script "Break Even."

Yesterday was Maggie's second play therapy appointment. It has been helping. The play therapist is working with Maggie to learn how to express her emotions. She struggles with this. She cries at the drop of a hat or screams out in frustration. She's always been a little like this, but it's much more extreme these days. My sweet love has her highs and lows. Luckily, at five, she can at least snap out of it fairly quickly and be ready to play again.

Today, I have my going away party for Heroes for Children. The two Houston staff members are flying in for the party and a staff meeting tomorrow. We have about 50-60 people coming to the party. While I'm excited for the teaching, it doesn't come without emotion to leave HFC. This has been a major, integral part of my life for the past seven years. These people have become part of my family. I cried this morning when I was grabbing my dress to change into tonight. I know I will have more tears today. Good tears, but tears nonetheless. There is a champagne toast at 6:30 that I'm sure I won't make it through.

Yeah, that's been my week. It's only Thursday morning. Thank goodness for a fun kid weekend ahead. We have a sleepover planned for tomorrow night. We only have Deanna or Tracey's kids for sleepovers. Tomorrow is Tracey's kids. I love when my home is filled with happy kids playing. Nothing makes me happier than a house full of kids running and playing happily together. Maggie, Lucy and I have decided that since the gameroom is one big empty room now (furniture went to him), we're having a big picnic on blankets for our dinner. The girls were planning it all out. I am hosting our monthly playgroup on Sunday. This group has been together since our gymboree play days when the girls were 1. Saturday is a day for just catching up, cleaning and relaxing with the girls.

It's been a week. I'm still standing though and it's almost the end. Next week may look entirely different. We'll see

My Life in Transition

2011-06-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

It's all changing. My life is in transition. Sometimes I'm ok with it and other times, well, notsomuch. I'm both excited and terrified. There are many changes on the horizon:

We are divorcing. It's official. He says there is no love or hope. Maggie was told last night. I cannot ever describe the pain of telling my precious girl that her parents will no longer be married. Watching her cry. It was heartbreaking. We framed it well. All about our love for her and Katie and how she will have two homes. That she will always have Mama and Daddy; we just won't be married anymore. I'm taking her to her first play therapy appointment at noon today. Maggie is a very sensitive child and has been struggling with her emotions a lot since this all started. I'm hoping the play therapist will be able to help her deal with these emotions without the big freakouts she has now. One thing I know without a doubt is that Andrew and I are good parents. We both want the absolute best for our daughters and will both be very active parents. He is leaving me, not our children. He will continue to be the great father that he has been to those girls.
I accepted a job offer in Plano ISD teaching middle school French. This position is terrific. It's exactly what I did before. I will be teaching 7th and 8th grade which I love. My first day back is August 10th. I'm excited to return to my original love and passion with teaching. It's a great school and I really like the principal. I was friends with one of the Spanish teacher so I won't be a complete stranger.
My last day at Heroes for Children is in two and a half weeks. June 17th will be here before I know it. I can't believe it's almost that time. I love the organization so much and I'm incredibly proud of how I have built it along with so many other great people. I'm proud that I am leaving the position in good standing. I'm not leaving the organization entirely, of course. As co-founder, I have a board position. I will volunteer for various activities and still attend events. I'll be at board meetings. They have not yet hired an Executive Director, but the committee working on that is diligently looking. Next Thursday night is a cocktail reception honoring me and my years at Heroes. I'm very honored that they want to do this for me.
My new job plus the lack of a second income means that my bills are more than I can afford. We just moved into this home and I don't know that I can financially afford to keep it. And you know, still feed my children. I need to figure it out. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm learning to be on my own. I mowed the grass myself and need to do it again tonight. I am learning to be quiet in my own and enjoy the silence. I'm reading books at night and watching movies if I have the time after laundry and cleaning. I like having my own room without the snoring. I don't miss the snoring! I'm challenging myself to try new things when I can.
I'm giving up yoga. It's a sacrifice I have to give up. I have a treadmill, so I'm going to bust it out and start working out then. My goal is to run the HFC 5K on September 24th since I've never been able to participate in it. I'll try to hit a yoga class on occassion, but I can't afford the $100 a month for my membership after this month.
For the first time in my adult life, I'm going to be single. On my own. I married at 21. We dated through college and started dating when I was 17. I was a CHILD then. I've never been an adult on my own. I need to learn to do this.

I'm taking each day one step at a time. I don't always handle it well. I can become irrational and angry with Andrew when we're around each other. I went a little crazy yesterday and I'm not proud of that.

I have my rough moments. Unlike my grief with Allie, I'm allowing myself to feel the various emotions as they come. I'm not shutting them out. Means it hurts like hell at times. But, unlike my grief with Allie, as I feel those emotions, I also forgive myself and move forward. I pick myself up.

I will get through this. It's just that right now, my life is in transition.

Disney 2011

2011-05-19T18:26:00.001-07:00

Separation

2011-05-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would blog this, but Andrew and I are currently separated. It's been ten weeks. Out of respect for him and what he is going through in all this as well as for my kids, I won't go into details. I'll just say that I have been deeply saddened and hurt by this turn of events in my life.

I'm surviving and holding up as best as I can. I don't know where we will go next in this journey. I know no matter what, I'll come out a better person and that I can make it through this.

Feel stupid after my blog post a few months ago about how giddy, happy, and in love I was. Thing is, it's got to be mutual to work well. It wasn't.

A Way to Support Heroes for Children--Near or Far

2011-05-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

Dear awesome blog supporters---

I have a favor. You all know that Heroes for Children is my favorite charity. You know that I believe that helping families with children battling cancer is vital to help them alleviate some of the stress and strain their are experiencing. Now, I am reaching out to you for a favor.

HFC is one of four charities participating in the Cadillac Cares Challenge until Monday, May 9th for a $50,000 media campaign. This would allow us to spread the word of our mission and cause and how families need us. This would make a HUGE difference. It's become a horse race. The top two charities are very neck and neck (currently a difference of only 16 votes with us currently in 1st place).

PLEASE CONSIDER VOTING. You have to Like the Metroplex Cadillac Page and then you can vote and LIKE Heroes for Children. You can vote DAILY until Monday.

I truly appreciate your support!

Warrior Dash 2011

2011-04-17T19:57:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we surprise even ourselves. Can't believe I participated and LOVED this race. www.warriordash.com

Nope

2011-04-05T08:09:00.001-07:00

Well, I didn't get that position. I'm disappointed. It was a terrific position. It wasn't a French teaching position but the Director of Community Service at two prestigous private schools. I'm sure they found someone great for them and I wish them well.

My focus has not changed. I still want to return to education. I want to teach. I have two French position prospects that I am pursuing, so hopefully something will pan out.

Love my diva!

2011-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

Progress

2011-03-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

It's scary to be willing to post pictures of your body in progress, but here goes. I'm officially less than I've been since right before Allie's diagnosis. I am still hoping to lose more pounds and, of course, face the battle of keeping it off. Yesterday, I received a wristband for my 100th yoga class.

These pictures were me the first week of yoga.

These were taken yesterday for my 100th class. Different angle of the camera since the other pictures were in our old house. Excuse the lack of makeup.

Update

2011-03-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

I have a second interview in two weeks! This position was posted throughout the metroplex in a number of different places so they had 170 resumes. Said I am one of "several" being asked in. I'm excited and hopeful. This is an amazing opportunity and position.

We'll see what happens....

Olivia's Beautiful Spirit will "Liv-On"

2011-03-08T13:32:00.001-08:00

I wrote this blog entry for the Heroes for Children blog, but wanted to share it here as well.

In November 2004, Heroes for Children was formed. Our very first application came in to support Olivia, a patient at Medical City Children's Hospital. Olivia had been battling Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia for almost three years at that point. After relapsing, her brother Tyler was her bone marrow match for a transplant in October 2004. The picture above was taken in early 2005.

From that early time of Heroes for Children, Olivia and her family were incredibly special to me and Larissa as Co-Founders, as well as to Heroes for Children as a whole. Friends of their family put on a Night of Broadway concert in the spring of 2005 to raise funds for Heroes for Children as well their family. This was a perfect event for them. Never have a met a more talented family! All of them are talented--dancing, acting, singing. The family is the epitome of the triple threat!

I absolutely fell in love with Olivia's sweet face and humor. I adored and admired her parents Joseph and Kandis. They've raised five beautiful and awesome kids and have kept them grounded as a family in a way that many couldn't. As a volunteer with a kids cancer camp, I got the special treat of spending a week with Olivia several summers in a row. Waiting for the Medical City kids to get off the bus was always great for me because I knew she would jump off and immediately give me a huge hug. She laughed and hung out with me in Arts and Crafts, and usually spent time with me at the dance filling me in on all things going on with her family.

Almost five years after Olivia's transplant, she relapsed in August 2009. Since then, I've witnessed strength and courage like no other--both from Olivia, her parents, and her wonderful family. Her cancer treatment took them eventually to MD Anderson in January 2010 after being told that no further treatment was an option. Olivia fought. She fought this battle, but she never fought alone. Kandis and Joseph made it work with traveling to and from Houston as well as juggling their other two young daughters still living at home. She fought alongside her older sister Kaitlin who stayed with her in Houston. She fought along with her family and friends who supported her both near and far. I'm proud to say Heroes for Children helped her fight a little too. She and her family were part of our Holiday Heroes program in 2009, even getting them tickets to see 101 Dalmatians the musical at Dallas Summer Musicals. We sent a "Harry Potter Party in a box" to help her celebrate her 12th birthday Hogwarts style, gave her a laptop through our Laptops for Love program, and hung out with her at the Night at the Museum event at the Museum of Nature and Science.

Joseph, Maddie, Kandis, Jenny from HFC (me), Isabel, Larissa from HFC

and Olivia front and center

On February 13th this year, I was so excited when Joseph and Kandis joined us for the annual Valentine's Dinner for HFC families. Olivia and Kaitlin had already headed back to Houston for the next day's chemotherapy. Larissa and I excitedly talked to Kandis about coming to visit Olivia with our girls when she was in town soon. Seeing Kandis and getting to hug her made my night. I love the Valentine's Dinner so much, but that hug I loved even more.

I cannot fully describe to you the shock and sadness when I learned a week and a half later that sweet Olivia had lost her ten year battle with leukemia. This past Sunday, I sat in a funeral home and watched her amazing family say goodbye to their beautiful inspiration. The funeral was like none other I've ever attended. Glee was Olivia's favorite and, of course, "Don't Stop Believein'" was her theme song. Olivia was FUNNY and her family made sure to share that. She loved music, dance, and cooking "with aspirations of one day becoming a famous pastry chef." Slideshows of Olivia's life were played to Glee songs and showed her goofy, happy, loving, and strong. I especially love the ones of silly string fights in the hospital and sneaking in her little Yorkie into the hospital!

I was blown away and truly humbled by Kandis, Joseph, Kaitlin, Tyler, Maddie and Isabel. There wasn't a stranger presiding over this service. Along with Joseph's two sisters, the celebration of Olivia's life was run entirely by her family. I watched my dear friend Kandis speak lovingly about her daughter and her children. I listened as she spoke of her love for Joseph and the blessings in her life. I closed my eyes with tears streaming down them as Tyler sang to his sister a song from Into the Woods. I bawled when Joseph sang to his beautiful daughter, his very own love song to her. I watched in awe as Maddie and Kaitlin told stories and spoke about their sister with more love than most siblings share. It was truly one of the most moving moments of my life. I told both Joseph and Kandis afterwards that if my children love and respect me HALF as much as theirs do when they are older, I will consider it a success.

Till I die, I will never know why children get cancer. I will never know why they have to hurt this way. One thing I know for absolute certain, Olivia was loved. Olivia was adored. Olivia was strong, sweet, funny, creative, talented, brave, and beautiful. Olivia's family is blessed.

To my sweet friends Kandis and Joseph--please know how much you mean to me and how knowing your family has forever changed my life. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of Olivia's life. What a true privilege.

To Olivia--thank you for being my friend. I will forever remember you. Please give our angels a squeeze from us. Larissa and I thank you for being in our lives and the entire Heroes for Children family loves you.

Anxious

2011-03-02T09:10:00.001-08:00

I can't write it about it fully just yet, but there is a job opportunity that is making me very anxious. It's a PERFECT fit for me. One that came about by chance from a sweet friend who texted me when he noticed this position was posted (thank you, M!). I've applied. I have great connections of people who have influence who made recommendations for me. I had what I thought was a very good phone interview.

And now I'm waiting.

Have I ever told you I don't wait patiently? I'm on pins and needles to hear if I will be invited in for a full interview. They said it would be some time this week most likely that I would hear.

Please send any positive vibes you can send my way.

Thanks!

The Weight Game

2011-02-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

South Beach, Weight Watchers, calorie counting.....you name it, I've probably done it over the last seven years. I've played the weight game with my scale for years. However, as I've written about before, I've found a way to self sabotaged and get right back to where I started (and then some). This time, it's different.

I've lost 51 lbs since the day I gave birth to Katie (including the baby herself of course) and I have not dieted.

Here's how:

Emotional--I first and foremost got myself right emotionally. I faced my fears and grief. I didn't hide from it with giant pieces of food or binge until pain went away.
Physical--I found a form of exercise I actually like. One that is both good for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. One that challenges me each day in my practice. I'm never bored with yoga. Currently, I'm doing a 60 day challenge with the #batshitcrazyyoga crew. Day 19 and I've done 12 classes. Not quite as good as the crazy other girls who are like 15 or 16 of 19 days, but I'm going. I'm getting stronger.
The food--I stopped obsessing!! Imagine, I've let it go. I eat healthy and follow good principles--low carb or whole wheats, lots of salads, plenty of fruits and veggies, lean meats, limited sugar. I'm not perfect. This morning, I texted a girlfriend with "Screw it, I'm getting a chicken biscuit." I have stopped depriving myself and telling myself I CAN'T have the XYZ item I really wanted.
Recently, I read a booked about breaking free from emotional eating. Oh boy is that me. I don't want an alcoholic beverage when I'm hurting or stressed, I want a big old milkshake! I found two major takeaways from this book: 1) Don't deprive. People like me don't do well with these uber restrictive diets because we turn it into a negative. I have a negative relationship with food. For example, as I've done many a time in the past, if I'm dieting a really restricting myself I might struggle if I see a cookie on the conference room table at work. I want the cookie. To avoid it, I might have eaten something else. Of course, this wouldn't satisfy me, so I would search for something else to eat. Ultimately, I would cave. I would eat the cookie. And then another. I would probably gorge and then feel SO guilty that I'd just ruined my day of eating. So, naturally, the next step was to think the day was completely ruined with food and continue to eat horribly the rest of the day. Then I would feel miserable! If I had just eaten the ONE cookie in the first place, I could have avoided all of that!! Maybe I would have only eaten half of it and felt the satisfaction. So, now, I eat the cookie. I don't gorge, I don't guilt. I allow myself the allowance of being human. I forgive myself if I feel a twinge of guilt, and I move on. I don't slip into the downward slip of eating poorly. I get myself right back on track.
2) Stop before eating and evaluating WHY I am eating. How many of us simply eat out of boredom? *raising my hand!* Or how about eat because we're upset or stressed. *hi, me again.* Instead, the advice from the book was to STOP and ask yourself "Why do I want this? Am I bored or do I need a hug?" etc. "Do I really want to eat this?" If the answer is yes, I want this cookie, proceed to the first point. If not, find what you need to fix the emotional need without the food.

Seems so simple, doesn't it? I swear it has been life changing for me. I feel so good! I now am weighing in less than I have since Allie died and I'm still losing. I wear a loose size 10 and I'm on my way to a size 8. I bought MEDIUM yoga pants the other day. I haven't bought medium ANYTHING since I first got pregnant with Allie in 2003.

Most importantly, I FEEL good. I feel good about my body, my strength, my mental health. I feel GOOD.

Fun in the Leaves

2011-02-15T13:09:00.001-08:00

"Aunt Bobby's" yard was filled with leaves yesterday and we couldn't resist having a great time playing in them. Here are the girls thoroughly enjoying themselves. Photos are by http://sassypantsphotography.com

Someone else loves her some yoga too!

2011-02-14T20:08:00.001-08:00

Batshitcrazyyoga

2011-01-30T16:52:00.000-08:00

On Twitter, hashtags are created to let people see a certain topic and everything being written about it. #batshitcrazyyoga is my favorite hashtag. Why? Because that's me and my yoga crew of women. We aren't all zen and reflective as what you think of yoga people. We giggle or make faces at each other in the middle of a pose. We lean over to whisper before class starts. We grown and look at each other in commiseration when we have to get into triangle pose. We support each other in our practice and in our lives.

I LOVE the #batshitcrazyyoga crew. It's grown but started as me and three other women including Debbie. We've had several more join in on the madness. We use Twitter and texting to communicate our yoga plans for the following day or a few days in advance. On any given day, there is a Twitter conversation between us on who is going and what studio we're attending. The yoga studio has several different locations with various times, so we try to accomodate schedules. Some of us go more frequently than others. Unfortunately, my work schedule restricts me from going as much as others, but I try to get there 2-4 times a week. Some weeks are easier than others for me. I'm now at 72 classes. I've been every day for the last three days and it feels great (though my legs are currently jello).

Over the last ten years, I've joined three gyms, completed a half marathon, and bought countless workout tapes. I never stuck to anything past three months. I've been doing yoga for well over six months and don't want to stop. I've finally found the exercise that is right for me. I agreed to yoga to get Debbie off my back about it. Figured I would try it once, hate the heat, and be done with the obligation. I don't like heat (it's a mere 98 degrees in the room for the main class we take). I don't like to sweat. I don't like exercise. Why on God's green earth would I possibly like yoga? I don't like it. I LOVE IT. I'm watching it transform my body and strengthen me. I've lost two dress sizes without starving myself. I eat healthier but I have been on a nontraditional nondiet since August (that's a post for another day--my breaking free of emotional eating). Clothes fit again.

I'm challenging myself. Yoga is a discipline that takes years to master. I am better at some poses than others. I can't hold the standing bow position for a full 60 seconds without falling out at least once. It took me over 30 classes to finally be able to be comfortable enough to go back far enough to get camel pose down better. I'm determined to one day be able to do the crow pose, but I'm nowhere near it yet.

I am fortunate to have the #batshitcrazyyoga crew. It's nice to work out with them. Rarely do I go on my own. At least one other is usually there. I never do as well without one of them on a mat next to me. There is something about having that person next to you with a like minded goal and determination there to support you that makes all the difference. We may also mouth a few cuss words to each other when we're exhausted or when someone just rocked a pose so much that it deserves a "holy shit!"

To my batshitcrazyyoga crew--thank you for the encouragement and support you continually provide. Namaste, bitches! :)

ONE

2011-01-26T15:35:00.001-08:00

Now Is Good

2011-01-24T09:34:00.000-08:00

I know that I owe pictures on this blog, I know. However, I am not going to post them today. I've had this blog entry in my head for the past few days and I think it's time for me to sit down and write it. Today, I'm 33 years old. It's my birthday and I celebrated the baby's first birthday yesterday. No time like now to write what I need to write about. Pictures will come soon. Especially of Little Sissy on her birthday. But here goes...

I think I've had an epiphany of sorts. The realization of what I've been through in the past seven years and where I am now. Now is good. It's better than good. It scares me to say it so much that I begin to choke up or cry when I do, but I'll take the leap and say it--I'm HAPPY. Not just faking it happy, or happy at parts of my life, I'm truly, genuinely, overwhelming happy. I can literally feel the difference.

The thing is, I *thought* I was happy before. I thought I was good. As it turns out, I've been faking it for years. So well that I had even convinced myself I was alright. Immediately after Allie passed, I launched myself into keeping busy. I volunteered at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, substitute taught, co-founded Heroes for Children. I worked to help make a difference and keep my daughter's memory alive. I was fine. People marveled at how fine I was.

I was fine until, simply put, I was NOT fine.

My breakdown this summer showed me just how not fine I really was. I've realized how little I've actually processed her death in the past six and a half years. Yes, I've made large speeches and presentations about Allie and her cancer treatment. The truth is that when making those speeches and talking about Allie, I found a way to be mechanical and business-like. I could separate myself from the situation enough to talk about her without emotion.

I went through the motions in my life.

Speaking of emotion, I hated it. Rarely would you see me cry over my loss. That's not to say that I didn't hurt or feel that pain. That's to say that I couldn't bring myself to allow that much pain to bubble up to the surface. So, I would eat instead. I'd stuff those emotions right back in with ice cream and cake. My weight fluctuated for years. As Debbie told me the other day, I was so afraid of being happy or finding happiness that I self sabotaged. I would hit a point of feeling good with my weight and feeling happier and I would start to feel the grief bubbling up. The pain coming to the surface was enough for me to destroy it all over again and begin gaining weight again.

In the past six months, I've faced my grief head on. I didn't run from it. I got help. I opened up my heart to the pain. I cried. My GAWD, I cried. I cried as much in 2010 as I did when she died in 2004. I don't think anyone really understood how badly I struggled during this time, not even Andrew. I tried my best to keep it private, though people knew I was in pain. I was "sick" more than once this summer where I just couldn't go into work or function. Andrew didn't know what to do at times. I finally hit the point of literally not wanting to get out of bed that I avoided when I first lost her.

Somewhere along the way, I got better. Yoga helped. Medicine helped. Friends and my husband helped. I lost 20 plus pounds without dieting. Can you imagine? The literal weight of my grief was wreaking havoc on my body. I still have weight to lose but I'm finally working towards it.

I've finally realized just how incredibly sad I was with my life.

I'm happy now. My children are AWESOME. My husband and I are happier than we've been in years. YEARS. I'm over the moon, ridiculously, butterflies in my stomach, IN LOVE with that man. I've been with him since I was 17, and I feel like a teenager again. He says he feels the same way. We are happy in this home and our life with our family. We're solid.

I still cry. I still miss her every day. However, now I let myself feel that emotion and not run from it. Now, I feel a lot less mechanical and more relaxed and comfortable. People keep mentioning to me that they SEE the difference, beyond just the weight loss. They see me show emotion, smile more, be happy, relax.

I'm still a grieving mom. I guess I always will be. At least now I can be a grieving mom who has still been able to find a way to find happiness in my life.

It feels good.

My announcement

2011-01-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

This email went out last night to the Heroes for Children supporters....

In November 2004, two moms who had lost their precious daughters to leukemia partnered to start a non-profit and help fellow families with a child battling cancer. Now, more than six years later, Heroes for Children has donated over $3 million to thousands of Texas families facing the economic and emotional burden of a child undergoing treatment. What started as a way to help others through one of the hardest times in the lives of two mothers has grown to become a lifeline for many families who had nowhere else to turn.

I am extremely proud to be one of the co-founders of Heroes for Children. The words "your daughter has leukemia" literally changed every facet of my life; I was a wife and mother, living out my childhood dream of teaching. For the past six years, Heroes for Children has helped me through one of the darkest periods in my life. Along with my co-founder Larissa Linton, I am proud of our success as an organization. Never in our wildest dreams could we have anticipated the support and growth Heroes for Children has experienced thanks to our loyal donors, dedicated Board of Directors and volunteers.

In celebrating the organization's success, I'm also cognizant of where and how the organization still needs to grow. As I look forward to the year ahead, I've made the personal decision to step down as the Executive Director and return to teaching. I strongly believe this is the right decision for the organization and for me personally. This transition will allow me to continue helping families in the fight against childhood cancer while returning to my love of teaching. My decision makes way for new talent with the experience to help Heroes for Children make even greater strides in the non-profit arena for years to come.

As a co-founder, I will remain an active member of the Heroes for Children Board of Directors. My passion about Heroes for Children grows with every family we touch, and I am committed to continuing the mission Larissa and I developed when we founded this organization.

A search committee designated by the Board of Directors will begin the process of hiring a new director in late February with the goal of hiring someone by the beginning of May to allow for training and transition in June. I will remain the Executive Director of the organization until mid-June when the transition is complete.

I truly appreciate the support of the Board, staff, and of course, my wonderful family in making this very difficult decision. I know I will have your support as well and your continued involvement of this amazing organization as we look to grow and mature in new ways to help more families touched by devastating news Larissa and I know all too well. Please feel free to contact me with any questions at all; I am happy to share this news with you in greater detail.

Very gratefully,

Jenny Scott

Executive Director/Co-Founder

Wish Me Luck!

2011-01-02T14:40:00.001-08:00

Saying Goodbye to 2010

2010-12-31T12:55:00.000-08:00

The year started strong....

2010 brought us a beautiful, healthy, happy, chubby, funny, silly, CRAZY baby into our lives. My cherub blue eyed girl brings this house more laughter and joy than I could have ever imagined.

It got rocky for a little while there....

2010 brought pain, grief, and postpartum depression.

2010 sent me to a counselor for the first time since I held my daughter in my arms for the last time 6 years prior and said goodbye.

2010 saw friendships rocked. Some ended. There were tears and pain.

2010 made me watch others in such excrutiating emotional pain that it brought me to tears regularly.

It had it's redeeming qualities too....

2010 introduced me to yoga, the first and only form of exercise I've ever been able to say I truly enjoy.

2010 brought me to a point of searching in my life. Who I am and where I want to be for years to come. I'm still working on that one.

2010 ended with a new home and happy family of four. Truly happy.

2010 renewed my strong love for Andrew in a way that 15 years after I first met him, I still get butterflies when around him.

2010 had my husband tell me that he has gotten his wife back, after 6 1/2 years. He is seeing me truly happy again.

Tonight, I say goodbye to 2010. I know it won't be a year I will forget for so many reasons. I'm looking forward to 2011. Tonight, I'll toast to New Beginnings. I'm not sure I'm make true New Year's Resolutions. We'll see.

Goodbye 2010.

Merry Christmas from Maggie and Katie!

2010-12-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

Completion

2010-12-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

After an hour of an half of holding "Sissy" (Katie) and passing her back and forth between me and Andrew while entertaining Maggie, we stepped up to see Santa as two strung out parents thinking of the wasted time and frustration. Then my girls sat on Santa's knees and it all melted away. I watched Maggie lovingly reach other and try to calm Sissy down. I saw Katie turn to Santa with a frantic scared look in her eyes and then turn to us for reassurance that all was alright. In that moment, all my silly frustration of the night was gone. My beautiful girls sat before me and I saw that my family was complete.

Katie's entrance into our lives as brought us to a point of wholeness. This year, we finally bought the ornament that says "The Scott Family" for our tree. All three of my girls have their "Baby's First Christmas" ornament hanging close to one another, and I know that I will not add another one of those. We miss and love our Allie so much and I wish that she was right there in the mix with her sisters. However, I know now that I am done. My family is complete. I'm so lucky to have three amazing daughters and could not ask for anything more special or wonderful then them and the husband I have.

I'll have to post the Santa picture here soon too. Sis still wasn't thrilled at the whole experience but she looks adorable. Maggie takes my breath away seeing what a big girl she has become.

I'm a lucky woman.

Dear God, Never Let Us Move Again

2010-11-29T14:00:00.000-08:00

Moving in five days. There are boxes stacked to the ceiling in the garage. We're excited, but DEAR GOD--it's a lot of work! We're bleeding money, I swear. Every time we think we have it all set, there is a new cost. Poor Andrew just texted "my stress level is through the f---ing roof!" This is my laid back, no stress man. For him to say that, he's STRESSED.

We are moving back to our hometown, very close to where Andrew grew up. Our daughter will begin Kindergarten next year at the same school her best friend will attend the year after. We will have a pool (so so excited about this) and a much bigger home. And hopefully, it will be the last time we moved for a very long time.

Will post more when the dust settles and the boxes are at least slightly unpacked.

Grief, love, happiness, and a move

2010-11-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

Oh, hello, stranger. Yes, I'm still here. I know I haven't been around and several of you have started to worrying. I apologize.

I start to type. I end the blog. I try again and wind up closing the laptop again.

So, here I am. I'm going to finish this blog entry this time. The past few months have been exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausting. It's been filled with good times and hard times. Times I've found myself crying more than I have in years and laughing until I cried.
I've stood beside a friend going through the worst imaginable and cried for her pain.

My grief went to an all time high in August. Six years of grief boiled over. My postpartum depression got worse. The medicine didn't seem to be working as well. I was having nightmares. Most of them involved my daughter's body being exumed from the grave. I started hearing her scream in my head. Not just any scream; the one from the day of her death. There were days I found myself crying four and five times. Often with no warning or at just the slightest thing to set me off. I even cried in the middle of a staff meeting one day! I felt alone in this grief, unable to accurately describe the pain to anyone. At the urging of friends, I met with a therapist. She has been helping me work through my pain and grief. For the first time in six years, I am in grief counseling over the death of my daughter. I went to see someone about the postpartum and medication. I found the right combination. I'm on a new medicine that has really made a difference.

Now, I'm crying once or twice a week instead of four and fives times a day. Baby steps.

It's getting better. I'm finding control again. I haven't written because I didn't know how to share this. This pain is so very personal. It's still so raw, even after six years. I realize though that I've opened up so much for so many years that I have people who read and care. So, it's time to write.

My family continues to be my greatest joy. Andrew and the girls make my world right. They bring me happiness and so much love. Maggie turned FIVE in October. I KNOW. I can't believe that my sassy, precocious, diva, princess girl is now five. She'll be a kindergartner next year. She loves cheerleading, piano lessons, and dance. She's remains the girliest of girls. Hugs clothes when we shop and often chooses clothing or accessories as a treat at the store in lieu of a new toy. My little baby bug Katie is the exact opposite. She's our bruiser. Our bull in a china shop. Katie started crawling at six months and now at almost ten months she is almost walking. She takes steps now. The girl is the happiest baby I've ever seen. And oh boy is that girl a chunk! I love each and every fat roll.

In the midst of all that has been going on in the past few months, we made the decision to move. So, add to my already full plate our home going on the market and searching for a new home. We're moving in three weeks. It's been exciting and fun, exhausting and overwhelming. We were lucky enough to have an offer on our home in 13 days and to have found a home we really like to move to. We're moving to the neighborhood Andrew grew up in. My girls will attend the same school he did as a child. He's really excited about that.

So, there you have it. That is August--November in the world of Jenny. There's been grief, love, happiness, and a move.

Hopefully, it can only get better.

My loves

2010-08-01T13:04:00.001-07:00

Family Bed

2010-07-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

Some of my happiest childhood memories are of my family piled in my parents' bed snuggling. My mom and dad had one of those big 80's style beds with a giant headboard attached that had a huge wall unit of mirror, shelves, drawers, etc. It was a mammoth in their bedroom. As often as I could, I would crawl in bed with my mom after my early rising father would get up. She and I would snuggle and love each other until eventually my sleepy head brother would come and join us. Inevitably, my dad would come in and sit on the edge of the bed with us and usually call up our collie, Chevy. Dad would make a big dramatic show of faking to hit one of us so that Chevy would get protective and bark (don't mess with his kids--that dog loved us!) and we would all break into peals of laughter.

When I became a mother, I dreamed of the day my children would start this with me.

Maggie has been crawling in bed with me for years. I don't like to sleep with Maggie because she is all over that bed. Not exactly comfortable to sleep with a foot in my face or an elbow in my ribs, but I LOVE our snuggles in the morning. But, it still wasn't exactly what I remembered. Something was missing.

What I have come to realize is that KATIE is what was missing.
Katie has been the best thing to happen to our family in such a long time. She completes us. In the past few weeks, I have found that joy--Katie and Maggie and peals of laughter in my bed. Andrew will sit on the edge or get up (once he's up he doesn't like to lie around much) and the girls snuggle and giggle at each other. Katie has found her feet recently and spends lots of time holding her toes. Maggie loves to entertain Katie. She sings, makes faces, and blows raspberries on her belly. I lie there and smile with my heart bursting with joy. I could spend hours in bed snuggling my girls and seeing their smiles. The only thing missing is Brandy, who was banished from getting on our bed after we got a new comforter, free of dog smell. I like having my good smelling comforter, but I do miss my dog in the bed sometimes.

I hope that one day my children will remember the love and the snuggles and our time all together as fondly and lovingly as I do.

A girl and her giraffe

2010-06-20T11:51:00.001-07:00

Namaste

2010-06-16T20:52:00.001-07:00

Right before I got pregnant with Katie, I was feeling pretty good about where I was with my weight and my body. I was fitting in size 10 (!!) jeans. I could typically purchase a large shirt and wasn't having to go into Lane Bryant anymore.

Then I got pregnant. And sick. Vomiting so much and very little stayed down. I found that greasy food was best. So, for months, I ate like a drunk with a hangover. It was better than vomiting (which had the added bonus of peeing my pants too after having birthed two other babies). I still got sick on an almost daily basis almost into my eighth month, so if I could eat it, I did.

Now, I am getting closer to losing my baby weight. However, as any of us who have had babies know, my body is no where near what it was before. I'm *this* close to fitting into my favorite size 12 jeans again. I can zip them and wear with a billowy top over it. But it aint so pretty.

I've lost 36 lbs of my 42 gained. So close yet I feel so, so far away from my goal. So, I'm trying some different things.

I've been back on South Beach religiously for two weeks. I've cut carbs, sugar, and even caffeine this time around. I've lost over five lbs in the last week and a half.

Now comes the exercise.

If you know me, you know that I don't like exercise. I've never found something that I liked. So, when Debbie told me she was LOVING hot yoga?!? I laughed and said have at it. I knew it wasn't for me. 98 degrees while doing yoga for an hour? You've got to be out of your freaking mind.

Then she lost two dress sizes in three months. Didn't change her eating habits at all. Looks AMAZING. To say that is motivating and inspiring to see is a bit of an understatement to me.

So, finally, I agreed. And then begged to get out of it. Then, set the time to go. And backed out. Then, fearful of dry heaving in front of the class, I finally hauled my rear into the hot yoga studio last week. Not going to lie--thought I was suffocating for the first fifteen minutes. But I made it through. I survived.

Tonight, I finished my second class. My body was a little more prepared for the heat. This time during our time of meditation before class, I wasn't focused on staying alive. I was able to sit and reflect. Breathe. Set goals for myself and what I want for my weight loss.

I can't guarantee that I'll stick to it but I think I think yoga will be good for me in many ways. I'm going to give it a try. I hope it will help bring me strength, calm, peace, and energy.

Until next blog....Namaste

100 Things

2010-06-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently wrote 100 Things That Make Me Happy and shared her list with me. When I read it, I found myself simultaneously thinking "There's no way I could come up with 100 things" and coming up with my things I would write down. I smiled through her list.

So, it's time for me to make my list. Especially coming out of stressful times and postpartum depression issues, I need to focus on the things that bring me happiness and joy. I need to help remember those things. If you blog, I encourage you to give this exercise a try too.

1. Maggie's curls
2. Butterflies
3. Blue Bell Cookies and Cream Ice Cream
4. Andrew's blue eyes
5. How Andrew and Amie talk to each other
6. That I end every conversation with my brother with "I love you" from us both
7. Looking out at Paris from the Sacre Coeur
8. Riding bikes through Versailles
9. Cruising
10. Jumping into a pool for the first time each summer
11. Sitting on Deb's couch talking about anything and nothing
12. "Huggies" from Beck and Ella
13. Maggie's laughter
14. My Allie necklace
15. The excitement of losing weight and fitting into the next size
16. The way Brandy groans at me when she thinks I'm disturbing her
17. Andrew making Katie belly laugh
18. Walking into Katie's room in the mornings
19. Snuggles
20. Movie nights in my bed
21. Sitting in a dark movie theatre
22. Watching a favorite show with Andrew and discussing it after
23. When I'm frustrated with something Andrew is doing and say, "Andrew STOP" only to have him respond with "Um, it's SCOTT. Your last name too"
24. Watching Maggie on the swings at Six Flags
25. Seeing my children light up with my mother and grandmother
26. My giant Sugar canvases in my home
27. My iPhone
28. Twitter
29. Knowing that I have Debbie, Deanna, Jen, Tracey, and Amy in my life and can call on anytime
30. Public speaking
31. Cheering runners as they cross the finish line of the Heroes for Children 5K
32. Running into former students and hearing about their lives now
33. Falling asleep to a book and letting it fall to my chest
34. The way Andrew curls up to me in his sleep
35. Brandy leaving me her special pile of things (socks, baby bibs and clothes, toys, etc) next to my bedside as her gift for when I get up in the morning
36. Walking through a museum
37. Going to see a production of musical theatre
38. Having someone tell me how Allie touched their life
39. Camp Discovery
40. The moment we meet for volunteer orientation at camp and greet each other at the hospital
41. Watching my children sleep
42. Singing to songs with Maggie in the car
43. Napping with Katie
44. LONG naps
45. Talking on the phone
46. Meeting new people
47. Taking Dr. Goldman his birthday cake
48. Snorkeling
49. Seeing a dolphin jump alongside a cruise ship
50. Being married to my prom date
51. Harry Potter books
52. Watching the cousins all play together
53. The excitement before a vacation
54. Standing in the doorway and watching Andrew play with our girls
55. Giraffes
56. Going to the lakehouse
57. Childhood memories
58. Thinking I look better now in my thirties then I did in my twenties
59. Picking out a new outfit
60. Laughing with Andrew
61. Knowing that if it's Saturday at 3pm and the phone rings, it's Debbie.
61. Texting with friends
62. Driving my Routan (how is it that I love my MINIVAN?!?)
63. Pictures of Brandy as a puppy
64. A tuna tower from Blue Fish
65. Playing games with Maggie
66. Traveling with the Kriegers
67. Bumping into an old friend
68. Long lunches
69. Talks with Andrew in our bed in the dark before bed
70. Maggie stroking my face when she comes in to wake me up in the morning
71. A patio and a margarita
72. Kisses on my children's bellies
73. GNO's
74. Meeting families Heroes for Children has helped and hearing their gratitude
75. Realizing that our dream of a nonprofit is coming true and far exceeding expectations
76. Talks with my mom
77. My memory foam pad on my bed.
78. Long, hot, showers that scold the skin
79. Trips to the zoo
80. The sunset in Biarritz, France
81. Buffet line on a cruise ship
82. Holding Andrew's hand
83. Sitting in my car and having Braum's with Maggie in the parking lot
84. My giraffe lamps with the mother kissing the baby giraffe on mine and Andrew's nightstands
85. Smell of a newborn baby
86. Giving a Christmas present
87. Carnival night at camp
88. Spending the day in my pajamas
89. Finally finding my place
90. Laughing until I'm grabbing my sides
91. Seeing Maggie like things that I did as a little girl
92. Buying cute outfits for my girls
93. Getting a large donation because they feel touched by the mission of the organization
94. Blogging
95. Marathon watch days of favorite tv shows with Andrew
96. Date nights
97. Knowing that while Allie only lived nine months, her legacy will live much longer than that
98. Everyone piled in my bed together snuggling as a family
99. The way Andrew laughs his crazy laugh in his sleep or starts talking
100. Ice cold water while eating ice cream

I've read this list a few times since typing it. Can't wipe the smile off my face.

Admiration

2010-05-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

We all have those people in our lives. The people we hold with such utmost adoration and admiration. For me, I can easily tell you its Amie and Michael Searcy.

I have had the honor and pleasure of knowing Amie since I was 17. I was nervous the first time I met her because I wanted her to like me so badly. Her brother, who I was head over heels in love with, told me she was the most important girl in his life. Only 18 months apart, Andrew and Amie have a bond that most brothers and sisters do not. I swear they speak their own language at times. They start a story or a quote and don't even have to finish before they are both laughing. And the rest of us are standing looking at each other having no idea what the heck they are laughing at.

Amie and Michael married six months before me and Andrew, 11 years ago. Shortly after their first child was born, they moved to Utah to pursue Michael's dream of obtaining his doctorate in Archeology and become a professor. He received his Master's degree at BYU then they moved shortly before their second child was born to Oklahoma to continue his education at OU.

With tears in my eyes, I cheered as I watched Michael cross the stage with his doctorate last Friday night.

I can't speak highly enough about this family. They have sacrificed for Michael's education. Amie is the ultimate homemaker. She is an extraordinary cook, making things from scratch daily. I've never had a meal that I didn't love (oh, and the peanut butter cookies she makes from Ritz crackers? Devine). Amie is a musician. She was an elementary music teacher before children and still plays for kids as often as possible. She created a music playgroup where preschoolers come to watch her play children's songs at a nursing home while the elderly residents sit and watch. I had the chance to go with Maggie a few years back and it was such a neat experience. Most importantly, Amie is the most loving, fun, and patient mothers I've ever seen.

Michael has worked multiple jobs while going to school. His Master's thesis is currently in discussion with a publishing company to become a textbook! Many tenured professors are not published. He's creative and artistic. My favorite--his documentary on mullet chasing at a BBQ pork festival in Memphis he made years ago. His smile is infectious. It could be because his mouth is big--when he smiles it's literally the biggest smile that you naturally smile right back. He's a cool dad--the kind who really PLAYS with his kids but is consistent and loving too.

Their children--Izzy, Max, and Elliot--are seriously some of the best children I know. I'm not just saying that as a proud aunt (which I am). These kids are terrific and such a joy to be around. Maggie's favorite people in the world. Izzy is mature, kind, and smart. Max is hilarious. He and Maggie are only two months apart in age and love each other so much. Elliot is not so much an 18 month old baby but a little man. These kids are awesome.

In the last eight years, they have lived with less income than most people could make manageable but they have done it without issues. Don't get me wrong--it's been tough and they've sacrificed, saved, and done without. They have NO debt. Michael is finishing eight years of schooling and they don't have a student loan to pay back. They aren't swimming in credit card debt like most Americans. They have no car payments, no unnecessary bills. They either save up to make a purchase or simply go without. We all keep saying they should write a book about how they've managed to raise three kids, go to school, have only one income, and come out with no debt.

On April 1st this year, our family received a major blow. Amie was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Luckily, this is a HIGHLY treatable cancer that typically needs surgery and then radiative iodine treatment. Being the strong amazing person she is, Amie faced this with such incredible grace. She told us all she was ready "to get this party started" and booked her surgery for a week later. It wasn't an easy surgery and she is still feeling some side effects (her voice is still stained and it is gone by the end of each day), but Amie finished it amazingly well. Radioactive iodine was at the end of April, putting her in fairly strict isolation for several days where she couldn't be around anyone and then restricted her to no contact for a week. No hugging her children, no kisses goodnight. She couldn't be within six feet of them. A woman who has spent her last eight years dedicated to her family and home couldn't do what she loved most. But Amie handled it the way most wouldn't--with continual grace and love. Michael, in the midst of final preparations to defend his dissertation, stepped in to handle his family. He became Mr Mom and shouldered the burden of the home during that time. And just as I would expect from him, he didn't complain. He handled it with grace and love.

It is only now that we have received the word that she is cancer free and that Amie is on the mend that I am even willing (or able) to write about what happened. For the last fifteen years of my life, I have considered Amie a sister. I have so much respect for Amie and the person she is. I can only wish I am half the mother that she is.

I am incredibly proud of Michael and his accomplishments and can't wait to see the next chapter and adventure in their lives. Just so grateful that I get to be a small part in it too.

Amie and Michael--love you and admire you both so much. Thank you for being such great people in my life and the role models I admire so. Thank you for being, well, YOU.

Four generations

2010-05-09T08:22:00.001-07:00

Katie was home with daddy while the four of went to the Mother/
Daughter Tea. Love my mom and Mom Mom!

Monday, May 3rd

2010-05-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

On Monday, May 3, 2004, I kissed my baby and watched her leave with Andrew to go to Angela's house for babysitting. She had a sinus infection. At 11:30am, Andrew called to say Angela had called him. Her fever was higher than it had ever been. That afternoon, we went to the pediatrician. He sent us for a chest x-ray but had the nurse draw her blood just to cover all his bases.

On Monday, May 3, 2004, my life changed forever. My baby had leukemia. We were rushing to the hospital with desperation and fear.

On Monday, May 3, 2010, I was once again heading to the hospital. This time, it was with love, anticipation, and excitement. My brother was having his first child. A new baby girl has now entered our lives. I held my niece and watched the happiness, joy, and pride in my brother's face and it filled my heart.

Now, I can remember Monday, May 3rd with not just sadness, longing, and an ache in my heart that is so vast it hurts. I can remember it is a day of love, happiness, and family.

Finding Me Again

2010-05-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

I cannot thank you all enough for the kind words, support and encouragement you have provided after my "Fog" post. That was a real challenge for me. It's a vulnerability I don't like to show and it was not easy to put myself out there like that. I appreciate that you all spoke so lovingly and provided me with a safe haven to express my emotions.

Last summer, I had a tough time with a situation that I can't really share here. It changed me. I became bitter, hurt, and gunshy. I was resentful of my work taking time from my family. I didn't handle my stresses well, and I became a person that was not always easy to deal with. I *thought* I was covering it up better than I was. I chalked it up to pregnancy and hoped everyone else would do. Some did. Some did not and I had some relationships affected because of it.

The baby was born and life changed again. Then the postpartum depression set it, and you know what happened then. Doing that blog post was my first step in admitting that I finally wanted to change. I wanted to find me again. The one that didn't hold grudges and wasn't unhappy most of the time. The one who had passion and enthusiasm in her life. I wanted me back.

I think I'm finding me again.

I started Lexapro a few weeks ago. It's helping. A lot. I'm really busy at work right now, but surprisingly not stressed. I'm connecting with the mission and the organization in a way that I haven't in a while. I'm feeling refreshed. I'm engaging more with my kids and I'm happier in my marriage and relationship with Andrew.

I've had a cold lately that resulted in me losing my voice. My girlfriend Christie who knows everything I've been going through told me, "Wow, you sound like crap but you really sound good. I mean your SPIRIT sounds good."

My spirit feels good. And for that, I'm happy.

My happiness

2010-04-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Baby

2010-04-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

Fog

2010-04-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's been 10 weeks since Katie was born. She is growing and getting more and more wonderful each day. She is easy and sweet and constantly smiling. We're very lucky to have our girl. Maggie is thriving as a big sister! She continues to exceed every dream I had of her as a loving big sister to Katie.

As for me, I'm, well, not great. At first, I had some personal and professional stresses that I thought were contributing to the way I felt. But I've been working on those. And yet, I'm still, just....blah. I'm unhappy. Not about anything in particular. Just unhappy. Overwhelming & exhausting. I have little energy for much besides my girls. They are the one thing that brings my joy. Feel like I'm doing everything else very poorly--work, being a wife, being a friend, etc.

My head constantly feels like I'm in a fog.

I think it's time to call this more than just "baby blues." Shouldn't that have gone away by now? She's 10 weeks old. I didn't experience this with my other girls so I don't know. Shouldn't I be able to pull myself out of this like I have other times, including during my worst times of grief? I thought yes, but I can't seem to do it. I don't know how to make me better.

I have moments, hours, and even one or two days where I felt a little better. Thought it was getting better. But then, a stressor comes along and I crash. Normally, I can deal with things as they come. This weekend was the worst. Our family received some news last week that I'm not ready to share yet but it really rattled me. Everything will be fine, I know this with all my heart, but it was unsettling. Compounded with the fact that yesterday was my father's TENTH anniversary of his death and I was done. I spent Friday and Saturday in the worst fog I've had. Barely got out of bed. Foul funky mood. Yesterday was better. I spent the day with my mom, Andrew's mom, and my girls at the zoo. Maggie was so giddy with excitement that I couldn't help but to light up around her. However, I still found myself in that fog as I made my way through the zoo. I still feel that fog now as I sit at my desk working.

I don't know what to do next. I struggle with the idea of medication, even though I know many people do it and I have no problem with that. I worry about side effects (especially with Heroes and Handbags this Friday in Dallas and next Friday in Houston). But I'm tired of feeling this way.

I'm ready for the fog to lift and start feeling like me again.

A growing bug!

2010-03-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

Katie is 8 week old today!! Weighed in at the doctor's yesterday at 12
lbs 10 oz. She's a growing bug!

Loss

2010-03-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

Camp Discovery has been a big part of my life for the past five years. Five summers I've spent one week in July in Kerrville in a world all of its own. If you've been following this blog for some time, you know how I love camp. Love so much about it. I often find myself at a loss for words at how to properly describe the atmosphere and environment of camp. I've written for years about the campers and their inspiration.

Tonight, I'm not coming here to write about the campers. I want to write about the counselors. Specifically, about one very special counselor.

I met Katrina "Kat" Davidson standing in front of Christus Santa Rosa Hospital my very first summer. As volunteers were rushing to greet others, reunited for the first time in months or even a full year, I stood on the side not knowing anyone. Kat made a point to say hello and introduce herself before rushing off herself to hug another friend she loved. Two days later, I got to have my first real conversation with Kat.

We were in the gym in a circle with the "yellow girls," her cabin of adorable campers. After we played a few rounds of some game with the girls, the campers skipped off leaving me and Kat sitting on the gym floor. First, she told me why she came to camp as a camper herself. As a teen, Kat was diagnosed with cancer. She started coming to camp at age sixteen and was hooked. Two years as a camper and then the rest of her time as a counselors. Kat was a cancer survivor and a role model to the children she was there to help. I felt inspired sitting talking with her. I began telling her my story. Before I could finish, she stopped me. She already knew my story. Had spent time on http://www.scotthousehold.com/ and had cried about Allie. In fact, she had recently written a paper and did a presentation on childhood cancer and specifically Allie. She and I sat on the floor and cried. I knew we were friends and so did she.

Over the years, Kat has been one of my favorite things about camp. She gave the best hugs when standing in front of Christus Santa Rosa Hospital on our first day of volunteer orientation. Maybe it's her height--so much taller than me, that it made me feel enveloped. We kept up throughout the year--Facebook, getting together for dinner, volunteering at Heroes for Children a few times. At camp, she loved helping in Arts & Crafts. She helped me set up my area after she finished working in her cabin. She joined me during "Happy Nappy" if she had a counselor break. I looked forward to yellow girls and orange girls (last year when she was a counselor she moved to the orange girls, officially making it my favorite group of counselors with Sara and Terri too!) coming in for their session with me.

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm using the past tense. I don't like it. Not one bit. You see, this last week, camp experienced a huge loss. My sweet, funny, snarky, sarcastic, loving, selfless friend passed away.

Oh dear, did I really just type those words??? Yes, I did. I know I did. I sat in a church and watched a slideshow of Kat's life yesterday at her memorial service. I hugged my camp family as we cried and remembered our friend. I introduced myself to her mother who coincidentally stopped me as I tried to introduce myself. She already knew me. She knew my story. Kat had told her all about me, and as Sue told me this, I cried and hugged her.

Kat had bronchitis and pneumonia that wouldn't go away. As a teen, radiation had damaged her lungs. I always knew her lungs weren't great, but never thought too much about it. Until she got sick and couldn't get better. Two weeks before her death, Kat walked herself into the ER because her cough was worse. Within hours, she was emergency intubated. She spent two weeks in the ICU before passing last Tuesday. I got updates frequently from our friend Terri who was in contact with Kat's mother Sue. Because Kat was in ICU, the family had requested no visitors. Maggie (who loved Miss Kat) and I made Kat a get well soon card, but I was holding on to it until I knew she was a little more stable and would be able to read the card. I never got to send it.

Camp Discovery will never be the same. Camp wasn't just a week of the year for Kat Davidson. It was a major, intregal part of her life. It was a part of her and she was most definitely a big part of it. The idea of walking up to greet the other volunteers in front of Camp Discovery without Kat to envelope me in one of her big hugs makes me hurt so badly.

Tonight, I remember my friend. I'm looking at my yellow and orange friendship bracelet Sara made me last night at the camp party I hosted at my house for us to all be together. Can't stop staring at it. This summer when I go to Camp Discovery, I will honor her as best as possible.

And I'll miss her. Always.

Can't believe our sweet Katie is already six weeks

2010-03-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

99 Things I Ought to Have Done...

2010-02-25T19:16:00.000-08:00

**Just came back to edit this because I found three other things I needed to bold that I overlooked the first time.

Found this interesting from Minivan Mom and thought I would give it a try.

Instructions:
Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations if needed), share with friends.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii (that's on my list of places I want to go!)
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (land but not world)
8. Climbed a mountain (grew up in East Bay outside of San Francisco. Used to go with my dad all the time)
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped (not scared of heights--terrified of falling)
12. Visited Paris (many times. Studied at the Sorbonne in 1998)
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm (I live in TX. 'Nuff said)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb (raised two in high school--Stewart and Trouble)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon (did a half)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (one of the best vacations of my life with our great friends the Kriegers)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (four)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke (college)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt (2008 vacation)
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (stealing her response--if those caricatures count)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (Snorkled in Grand Cayman and then again in Ketchikan, Alaska)
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (well, a nonprofit)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching (one of my all time favorite childhood memories. Drew a whale's tale for about a year or two after all the time in art class. We went again in Alaska)
63. Got flowers for no reason (Andrew sent me roses once in college)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (I have tried, but my veins are so weak that I have been unsuccessful).
65. Gone sky diving (See #11)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (my childhood doll, Honey, is sitting on Katie's shelf)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square (With Deanna last fall! Awesome, awesome trip)
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (broke my arm rollerskating in the 7th grade)
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle (rode on my mom's cousin's motorcycle once and it scared the hell out of me)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person (when we were moving from California to Texas in 7th grade)
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican (2001 trip to Rome)
82. Bought a brand new car (most recent--my minivan! Love the VW Routan)
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper (many times actually because of Allie and Heroes for Children)
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (met a guy from the movie Blazing Saddles when I was a waitress at the Black Eyed Pea)
92. Joined a book club (miss being in one)
93. Got a tattoo (nope and won't)
94. Had a baby (three gorgeous girls)
95. Seen the Alamo in person (we were young, poor, and my dad was terminally ill, so yeah, we went to San Antonio for our honeymoon. Stayed at the Menger Hotel, right next to the Alamo)
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee (smacked dab between the eyes)

Looks like I still have a lot to do.

Katie meets Sophie

2010-02-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

Three Weeks

2010-02-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

How has it already been three weeks since our baby was born? Time goes way too quickly during the newborn stage! Katie is growing like crazy, taking after her oldest sister and becoming a "chubalub." She left the hospital weighing 7lbs 12oz. At her two week check up, the little chunker weighed in at 9lbs 6oz! That's a decent weight gain in two weeks. Maggie didn't even regain her birthweight until three and a half weeks, still weighing only 7lbs 3oz at two weeks. Oh, my peanut. Katie was in the 90th percentile for her weight and 75th for height and head.

I remember another baby that had those kinds of numbers.

Katie's resemblance to Allie is unmistakable. Same nose, eye shape, round face, hairline. Same belly shape, chin, same sweet and easy disposition. They could be twins. It has been both wonderful and scary at the same time to look at this new baby and see her sister. It's made me tear up more than once, but it's had me stare at her with more love than I ever thought possible.
How did I get so lucky to have three such beautiful girls as my daughters?

I'm loving being with Katie and Maggie. I love curling up as the three of us in my bed or all together on the couch. Watching Maggie look at her sister then go in for a hug and a kiss brings me so much joy. Maggie is the sweetest big sister, always wanting to be with Katie. She picks out her outfit with me each day, helps with diaper changes, and constantly hugs and kisses the baby. There is no jealousy whatsoever.

Katie is my last baby. I know this. I've known it since I was early on in my pregnancy. Since she was an unexpected C-section (little stinker flipped last minute and had her head in my rib cage!), we were given the choice of having my tubes tied. Of course, since I've been pressuring him for months to schedule an appointment for a vasectomy, he immediately perked up when the nursed asked me if I was interested in having my tubes tied. "Well, that would certainly make MY life easier," he responded. Can I tell you there is a part of me that still wants him to do it just so he could go through something with HIS body having to do with the reproduction of our children? I know, a bit mean. Knowing this is my last baby (yeah, I got the tubes tied, he dodged a bullet. Translation--he owes me!), it's made this experience different. I hold her more, smell her longer (omg I love newborn smells!), coo louder, and generally try to soak up everything about this. I teared up when she got out of the size N diapers and into the size 1. This is the last baby I will put a tiny little diaper on.

I'm just trying to enjoy every minute.

Here are a few pictures of my sweet Katie from yesterday and the sisters together from the other day. LOVE.MY.GIRLS.

Katiebug

2010-01-28T13:03:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, my heart expanded and added my third daughter. It was an unexpected C-section due to some little one flipping and becoming breech at the last minute (little stinker). Things didn't exactly go the way we anticipated, but in the end, it was all perfect. Katherine Sarah joined us at 8:34am on 1/23/10 weighing 8 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long.

She is the snuggliest, sweetest newborn. She cries when hungry or having a diaper change. Her looks are a perfect combination of her two sisters. She has the characteristic Scott girl nose, tons of hair, and long skinny toes.

We are in love.

Big sister is adjusting well. She loves Katie and wants to be close to her. Of course, she struggles with wanting me to do something and not liking that I can't because I am stuck nursing and unable to get up. I've made sure to give her extra loving and one on one time each day. We've had special story time just the two of us, time to color and play, and sweet snuggle time to help her with adjusting. Maggie is a wonderful big sister. She hated me being in the hospital and did not like leaving me there at nights, but has done so much better since I got home.

If you haven't already seen them, please visit Jen's blog at www.sugar-photography.com/blog and see the blog post "Sisters." Make sure you have your Kleenex ready! Seeing the moment Maggie and Katie will meet will melt your heart.

I'm off to snuggle my girl before big sister gets back from school.

First meeting (sisterly love)

2010-01-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

39 weeks

2010-01-17T17:57:00.000-08:00

Ignore the look of sheer exhaustion on my face. It was midnight and
while I love being with our friends, it was midnight and I was ready
to be asleep!!

Bedrest

2010-01-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

I'm spending this weekend on a modified amount of bedrest. Not because there is anything wrong with the baby or me (though I feel like absolute crud--thanks a lot morning sickness that won't go away!). It's so that my ubertalented, super great friend who has agreed to be in the delivery room to capture our first moments with Katie could go to LA for a fancy swag party that she and her 15 month old were invited to. Yep, you can read about it here. Jen tried to politely decline this incredible offer that could potentially help advance her career on account of Katie's impending arrival. I emphatically told her NO WAY and promised bedrest. Hey, for Maggie, I promised Dana and Dennis Eisenberg bedrest in my 38th week so they could take the boys to Disney. Why not for my photog friend to go to LA, right?

I'm mid way through my 38th week. We have a scheduled induction date of January 26th, one day after my due date if she doesn't come before that. With my other two girls, I was induced 8 or 9 days early. For Allie, she was on track to be a well over 9 lb baby. At 9 days early, she weighed in at 8lbs 6 oz (and crossed over 10 by her 2 week checkup). She was a tank! However, I wasn't dilated, cervix wasn't softened. I frankly wasn't ready but let the doctor convinced me (first time mom, I didn't know any better) to go for it. It was a bad decision. She wasn't ready AT ALL. I pushed her for a solid 3 hours. She would start to come out and suck back in. She had to be vaccuumed out and I had some severe issues. Yeah, I don't want that again.

With Maggie, I had a scheduled c-section for October 26th due to her being breech. I went in on the 25th for a pre-op appointment with Dennis, mentally prepared to have my baby in one day and totally DONE with being pregnant. That little girl flipped!! So, he induced me that night. She was 8 days early. Labor wasn't anywhere near as rough as Allie's but the pain was pretty significant (I know, stupid statement). Again, I wasn't dilated at all.

This time, if I can avoid the induction, I would prefer it. However, I don't want to go past my due date either. I'm pretty uncomfortable, having lots of Braxton Hicks, and I'm back to being sick again. I'm now down four pounds in the last week. I got sick during Andrew's birthday dinner Tuesday night and I'm barely eating because everything is making me feel cruddy. While I'm trying not to whine too much, I honestly feel bad for my husband right now. Poor man is listening to a lot of complaining. Guess that's the role of dad at this point since he can't share in the joy of this pregnancy gig!

So, that's where we are now. I'm working from home and getting lots done from my couch and laptop. I'm slowing down as much as I can. And I'm promising Jen to keep this baby in (hopefully!) until Sunday night when she returns.

Been There Done That

2010-01-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

Just as I have with my other two pregnancies, I have once again become addicted to Babycenter and my birth board. I read daily what other moms due January 2010 write about---their questions, experiences, and advice. Most of them are FTM (First Time Moms) asking questions. Many are still so green about this thing called motherhood and what's in store for them. There are many posts requesting help from the "BTDT moms" (Been There, Done That).

That's me. This is my third pregnancy. My third time to go full term with heartburn, morning sickness (yes, without the medicine, I still get it. With it, well, I've gained 39 lbs so it works!), and experience labor. I've held two new babies in my arms. I've cried looking at my daughters and feeling my heart swell to a size I never thought imaginable. I've watched two babies grow.

But I've never had two at the same time.

I had one beautiful angel first. She was perfect. Everything about her was incredible. I loved her from the second I saw her chubby little cheeks. I lost her. Cancer stole her from me and I miss her more than I can ever describe.

Then I had my second beautiful little girl. She came out a spit fire. She was a screaming mess, and Andrew and I laughed and realized we were in for a wild ride. She's our funny girl, always surprising us and keeping us on our toes. I love her more and more each day and I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be her mom.

And now, I'm three weeks away (or less) from having what I know to be my next beautiful girl. I don't know what she will be like. I don't know if she will be a "chubalub" or a "tiny peanut" (as we described Allie and Maggie). I don't know if she will have the same blue eyes as her sisters, inherited from their father. I know I will love her as much as I do her sisters.

But what scares me most right now? While I've had two children, I've never had two at the same time. I've not had to juggle my love for my children or make sure I'm giving each child my attention. While I can answer the questions for the BTDT moms on Babycenter about my experiences of child birth, I have nothing to offer about what life with more than one is like. Even though this is my third child.

I was asked early on in this pregnancy by someone if I was going to have another so that I would actually have three. Thing is, then I would have four. I will always be one short. I am not wanting to chase after the child I no longer have. She will always be my daughter. I will love her until the day she dies. I plan to raise the two girls I have here and love them as much as possible and forever love the child I am without. That's the best I can do.

But first, I need to have this little girl. We're anxiously awaiting her arrival and this new experience in our lives. Two kids at one time? Haven't been there, done that, but I'm looking forward to trying.

Me and my girls ;)

2010-01-02T18:25:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lack of writing lately. No attention span long enough to
do it!

Maggie and I on NYE. 37 weeks tomorrow!!

To Santa, love Maggie

2009-12-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

2009-12-19T15:23:00.000-08:00

Visiting Dr. Goldman for our annual visit on his and Allie's birthday.

2009-12-17T15:44:00.000-08:00

Missing our sweet angel today. Happy sixth birthday, baby

It Takes a Posse Village

2009-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

I consider myself incredibly lucky to be a part of a group of women who love each other so intensely and have such a good friendship. We have a mutual respect for each other and support each other through it all. But, here's the thing--it's more than just a regular friendship.

We are a FAMILY.

We jokingly say we "activate Posse powers" when needed, but in reality, that is really what we do. When one needs something, someone steps up. This is who we are. It's what we do.

Let me give you specific examples:

When Maggie was first born, I only had childcare three days a week. I can't tell you how often she spent a Tuesday or Thursday with Deb's husband Brandon babysitting in the morning while she worked and then Deb in the afternoon when he left for work.
At the lakehouse, we watch all our children together. We love those kids so much and all of us take care of them.
When the twins were born, Andrew and I both babysat Deb's older kids so she could go to the NICU. Before Deb could drive, I would drive her to the hospital while Andrew babysat with Maggie at the house.
When Jen's baby girl was close to being born and the adoption process happening, all of us lunched with birth mom J and took her out to dinner. Turned out to be the night before Coco was born! All of us dropped everything to be there for a special party/reception for J and her family after the adoption was finalized. I will never forget standing beside Amy with tears streaming down both our faces as we listened to Jen thank J for the gift of this baby.
We try to attend all birthdays for the kids.
This summer, Andrew and I went through a tough time. There was a day when I didn't go to work, barely got out of bed, and felt like my world was crumbling. Deanna showed up on my doorstep with candy, movies, lunch, and hugs. That night, Deb had everyone over at her house for more of the same.
If Jen's computer has an issue, she calls Andrew immediately. Faster than he will come to my office to fix a computer issue, he'll head over to Jen's to take care of the problem.
This summer, three of the husbands loaded up their tool boxes and headed over to Deanna's to paint walls, repair broken things, and even put up a new mailbox, stepping in as surrogate husbands.
Brandon works nights which often means Deb can't get away. So, when we're in desperate need of girl time, Andrew babysits for us. Two weeks ago, he babysat all five children so we could go out on a Wednesday night.
When the decision was made that Tracey and Rich were moving here, they told us there would be a time when they would be a split family. Rich would have to begin working here while Tracey and the kids would stay back in Austin. No one hesitated. We eagerly opened our homes to seriously the easiest houseguest even (I even cooked him a horrible dinner which he still doesn't let me down).
We schedule girls nights for all birthdays. When I turned 30 almost two years ago, the gno was planned for a Sunday night. I know Tracey couldn't come with living in Austin, so didn't expect her at all. But, as I finished hugging Amy, I looked over at the bar to see Tracey waiting for me to recognize her. She wasn't going to miss that milestone in my life, even taking the next day off from work to be there.
At the Heroes for Children 5K, I can look out in the crowd each year when I'm on stage and see my girls smiling back at me. Off to the side are the husbands and the kids, letting the women have our time together. I feel stronger when I look out and see Debbie, Deanna, Amy, Tracey, and Jen. They make me better.
Poor Jen was sick with a stomach bug this weekend. Rich (there is a reason he has the nickname Saint Richard), came to pick up her kids and bring them back to his house. He and Tracey were sick themselves, but they did it.
We respond to each other with words of encouragement via Twitter every day.
Someone texts someone else every day (seriously, unlimited text messages--a MUST with this group)
Deanna hurt her back yesterday. She called me in excrutiating pain asking if I could bring dinner to her and the kids because she couldn't get out of bed. Maggie had dance and insists that *I* am the one who takes her each week. So, naturally, I did what made sense--sent Andrew instead. He took one look at her and sent her to her room while he fed the kids and got them to bed.

You see? FAMILY. We may not always see eye to eye or handle things in the same way. We have different backgrounds and have been known to get into it a few times, but we are a family. We step up to the plate when necessary. We take care of each other. We're there.

And my life is better because of them. All of them and our beautiful kids.

Round Two

2009-12-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Jen made it to the next round of voting!! Thank you, thank you for those who voted. Now, I encourage you (ok, I'm imploring you) to go online and vote again. Jen's picture stands out on this webpage. The colors are vibrant and the sheer happiness on the child's face make it so perfect for this contest.

If you can, please take a minute to vote. Voting ends Wednesday night. Thanks!!

http://www.matildajaneclothing.com/vote_viewproducts.php

Sugar Sweet

2009-12-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

When I was in the hospital after having Maggie, I checked my email on my laptop. Waiting for me was an email titled "My offer still stands." Couldn't remember the name Jennifer Weintraub or what her offer was, but I clicked to open the email. That email helped change my life. In it was the request to become my newborn baby's photographer. She left a link to her website which I promptly checked with my mom. And I was hooked. Her AMAZING talent blew me away. I knew this woman had to photograph my baby girl.

What I didn't know was that photography session would set in motion one of the best friendships (which turned into an entire GROUP of women lovingly called "The Posse") of my life.

I can never repay Jen for the gift of her talent in my life. From the pictures of my new, fragile family with a ten day old grieving a missing 22 month old to the fun, funny session of a laughing four year old touching my pregnant belly, Jen has been there with our family. Jen IS a part of our family. So much so that she will be joining us on this next part of our journey--photographing Katie's arrival into our lives.

Now, I have the chance to help Jen a little bit. Recently, she qualified to enter a photography contest with 43 other photographers for a photo contest. Each photographer was given the same dress to put their own talent and spin on a picture.

Jen is a finalist!!! Voting continues until Sunday and I really want her to make it to the next stage of the contest. So, I ask my many blog friends to help me in some way giving back to my incredible friend. I ask you to go online HERE and vote for Jen. PLEASE!! When you see the picture, you'll be blown away. Read a little about the story behind how she got the PERFECT shot. Given that I've seen her lying on the ground sideways to get the perfect shot of my child, I'm not surprised she braved getting on a merry-g0-round for her work!

RULES: Voting is done by adding your favorite photographers to your shopping bag and then checking out. You can add as many photographers as you want to your bag, but don’t waste your time adding a photographer a million times to your bag because multiple votes for the same photographer in one bag are ignored. Also, you can check out only once from your IP address. Checking out more than once from your IP address will not be counted in our system. Voting will end Sunday, December 6 at midnight. Voting takes place on the Matilda Jane Clothing website.

Oh, when you hit Submit, a confirmation page appears asking you to double check everything. You must hit Submit one more time on this page for your votes to register.

Thankful

2009-11-29T16:53:00.000-08:00

Blog friends--I am here! I do still exist, even though I haven't typed a thing in three weeks. Life has busily been moving in our family. I'm now 32 weeks (EEEK!!) pregnant and finally getting things prepared for our newest little girl. Everything with the baby is progressing well.

Since it is still just a few days past Thanksgiving, I am going to share my gratitude. Just like I did last year. I have much to be thankful for in my life. Here's my list:

The four loves of my life--my three girls and the man I am proud to live my life with each day and raise my children with. Allie, Maggie, and soon to be Katie are the greatest blessings. I know that Katie will complete our family. I believe she is the person we have been missing. We can't wait for her arrival. Allie was and continues to be life changing for me. Maggie is indescribable. She makes me laugh, smile, and melt every day. She warms my heart. The BEST snuggler who loves to curl up with me and love on me and my belly. I couldn't ask for a better daughter. And of course, there's Andrew. He's the rock in my life. My constant. I have loved the last ten years of marriage and consider myself continually lucky to be his wife. He makes me laugh every day. He supports me through decisions, loves me with a sweet gentleness, and makes me a better person. Andrew is a great dad and our girls are lucky to have him.
My sweet mother--I don't give her enough praise here. My mom rocks. She is the best grandmother for my children. She loves my daughters unconditionally and never hesitates to spend time with them. She is there for us and willing to help us with babysitting with no questions asked. We realize how lucky we are to have her. Friends tell us all the time. My mom is one of the most kind, caring, and loving women you will ever meet.
Our entire family--from my brother and his sister to the beautiful and fun cousins, we have a wonderful family on both sides. Andrew's mom and I have a wonderful relationship, and one that I am thankful for each day (especially hearing other MIL horror stories!). I have the utmost respect for his sister and brother in law and adore their children. I'm lucky to have my grandmother living with my mom. One of my favorite things is to do things with all four of us--it's awesome to have four generations of women enjoy something. Our next outing is to take Maggie to see 101 Dalmatians at Music Hall in December.
My awesome, hilarious, supportive, crazy, loving friends. Finding "The Posse" has been great. We've had quite a year for us, both good and well, exhausting to say the least. We lost one who decided not to remain a part of the group, but gained one new one who fits with us and we love completely. Jen, Amy, Tracey, Debbie, and Deanna bring so much happiness to my life. When I found out I was pregnant, I called Andrew, hung up the phone, and emailed them. Major life events for me include sharing them with the Posse. When I needed help with sorting through the (ohmygodsomuch) buckets of baby stuff, Debbie and Deanna came to my rescue today. I have to have unlimited texting with these girls--texts are a MAJOR form of communication. When we're together? There is so much laughter that my belly hurts afterwards. I couldn't imagine my life without this family we have built. I can tell you one thing--these girls know what it means to be there through the good and bad. And I'm just lucky to be one of them.
Heroes for Children reaching FIVE years!! Just this past month, we celebrated a HUGE milestone--Heroes for Children is now FIVE. We even threw a birthday party to celebrate. I'm honored that our small little organization has become something huge. We've provided 2.5 MILLION dollars worth of program services to cancer families in Texas. We now have eight employees--four full time, four part time. These women give their heart and dedicate so much to the organization. Our volunteers are awesome. We have some of the best men and women who give of their time and talents to bettering our organization and helping families. Some of my best friendships outside of the Posse have come through Heroes for Children. My life wouldn't be the same without Larissa, Allan, Christie, Cameron, and all the others.
My sweet, crazy dog. My family isn't complete without Brandy. In the last eight and a half years, she has been a constant companion. She's my first baby and my sweet love. When I hear others complain about their dog being a burden, I have nothing to contribute. She may make us crazy with her sock stealing and her continuous begging (seriously, she was NOT a begger dog until Maggie started eating solids!), she is nothing but a joy to have around. She's grey around the face, a reminder to me of her aging, but still such a beautiful and loving dog.
This blog--for the past five and a half years, I have turned to this blog (well, this one and www.scotthousehold.com of course). It's been such a great tool for me. It's been my therapy at times. It's brought tears, shared some of the worst news of my life, and delighted in some of our greatest joys.

Looking at this list, I'm a bit weepy. Good tears thinking of the many people in my life. Because really, it's about the people, not the things. I have so many people to be grateful for and I hope I never forget that. I hope I remember these blessings not just on Thanksgiving but each and every day.

To those special people in my life--know I love you and you make me a better person.

2009-11-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

28 weeks

2009-11-03T15:05:00.000-08:00

In less than 12 weeks, we will have a sweet one in our home. To be honest, that *kind of* freaks me out! I'm excited to meet her, thrilled to have a new member of our family, and ready to not be pregnant anymore (I don't do pregnant well). However, I'm not sure I'm fully prepared (are we ever??) for how this change will be for our family. Of course, the change is going to be great, but it's still a change, and a big one at that.

I need to start realizing that she's coming soon. I did my first wash of Maggie's baby clothes. Maggie and I enjoyed going through them together, with her sweetly saying, "Oh, look how little" or "Oh, Katie will look SO cute in this!!" I teared up more than a few times watching my big four year old go through her baby clothes. She was so excited that Katie will wear some of her things. I need to get other things ready, such as registering her for the school Maggie goes to and finishing Maggie's big sister room. There is just so much to get done!

I'm 28 weeks and 2 days along now. Feeling pretty good for the most part. I'm constantly exhausted and my schedule is not slowing down. Sadly, there are no opportunities for naps. My days at work are busy, our weeknights are busy, and our weekends are insanely full with family activities. We seem to have something every hour most weekends. My MIL is having Maggie overnight Friday, so I think Andrew and I will get a date. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if the date ends up as a night on my couch!

I found out on Friday that I failed the 1 hour glucose test. This is the first time I've failed it. My other two pregnancies I breezed right through it. So, tomorrow morning, I go in for the 3 hour test. I'm not really worried about whether or not I will pass or fail. If I fail, I'll do what I need to do to control it. What worries me is the process. I have to fast tonight and then need to drink water but nothing else until the nasty drink (which makes me dizzy). Due to my morning sickness (which yes, I still get it if I don't take my Unisom/B6 pills at night before bed), I HAVE to eat in the mornings. I'm afraid of getting sick tomorrow after not eating and then drinking that nasty sugar concoction. Hopefully, it will all go well, but I still worry about it.

My belly has just really popped over the last two weeks! I got my first, "oh wow, you must be having a baby any day now" comment. Um, no, thank you I have 12 more weeks! I've gained more than I would have liked by this point. More than I have with my other girls.

Maggie is still as excited as ever. I think Andrew was more than a little appalled when he found out that I honestly answered the "How will the baby come out of your body?" question this weekend. When she asked me, I asked her "Well, how do you think it will happen?" She told me that maybe my belly would explode. What a freaky image!! I'm all about telling her the truth. Of course, she promptly ran to Andrew and said, "Mama will push the baby out of a hole in her PRIBATES!!" The look of horror on Andrew's face was classic. Maggie constantly asks questions about Katie. I love when she wonders what Katie will be like--"Will she have blue eyes like me?" "Do you think she will like being a princess?" "Will she be a chubalub like Allie or a tiny peanut like me?" My belly is kissed 15 plus times a day. Every time she comes in for a kiss, I fall in love with Maggie just a little bit more. It is seriously the sweetest thing. I know that it will be so awesome to watch her with the baby.

I wonder what little Miss Katie will be like. Guess will find out soon!

Fabulous Four

2009-10-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

On Monday, my little peanut turns four years old. Maggie is just a whirl of fun. She continues to be an absolute treasure and love in my life. She's fun and precocious with a real flair about her. I can't believe my baby is turning four.

Let me tell you a little about my funny girl lately--

Girlfriend is a self proclaimed "wockstah." Any chance to shake her booty, she seizes the opportunity. She moves her hips and busts a move as soon as she hears music. At night, she likes us to turn on the music using our DVD player (Pandora hooked to our DVD--it's awesome!). We usually play something old school (one night she was booging to Rump Shaker!). I love watching her dance so much. Makes me smile instantly

In an effort to get her out of the habit of crawling in bed with me in the middle of the night every night, I instituted a little reward system. She now earns marks for sleeping in her own bedroom all throughout the night. We made a little chart on a dry erase board and she gets to make the marks herself. The first time, she had to earn seven marks to earn a trip to Target. She did it easily. Now she is working on earning ten marks. It's working so well for her. My girl loves her a trip to Target!

The WHY questions are in full force. Car drives anywhere are peppered with why questions. Some are simple enough--"Why do you like to talk to Aunt Bobby?" "Why do you and Daddy work?" Some questions are a bit more challenging "Why do I have a Mama?" "Why do people not come back from Heaven?" or my recent favorite question "Why is there magic?" Her curiosity is so great. It's exhausting at times, but I love it.

We never know how we will find Miss Maggie at night when she's gone to bed. She has a timer that allows her quiet play time in her room after our bedtime routine is complete. Once the timer goes off, she is supposed to be in her bed. Of course, this doesn't always happen. She's been sleeping on her floor with pillow and blankets lately. The other day, I found her sleeping on the floor with cowgirl boots and holding the pumpkin she got at the pumpkin patch. Silly girl.

She is very interested in the baby coming. She talks about Baby Katie constantly. She loves to kiss my belly. If she bumps into me, she will immediately say, "Sorry Katie!" She's discovered that people find it funny so that she now continues to bump me in the boobs and declare "Sorry MILK!" Yeah, it's pretty cute.

Oh how I could go on and on about my girl. She is such a joy and delight in my life. She makes us so incredibly happy. The past four years with Maggie have been incredible. We look forward to this next chapter with her and bringing her sister in the world.

Happy birthday to our beautiful Munchie Moo!

2009-10-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

I blame Twitter

2009-10-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

Blogging takes time. Twitter takes me a quick minute. I typed 140 characters either on my computer or on the iPhone and I head about whatever it was I was doing. It's a quick distraction. My blogging skills have been more than a little lacking. So sorry!

It's crazy busy. Maggie and I have both had viral infections this week and next week is really crazy at work and then her bday party.

So, for now, I'll blame Twitter for my absence but leave you with a link that you'll be sure to love--our annual Sugar Photography photo session!! http://www.sugar-photography.com/blog/index.php/2009/10/15/maggie-katie/

Times Square mamas--loving NYC!

2009-09-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Maggie's having a baby!

2009-09-27T05:56:00.000-07:00

Mag's new thing--sticking anything in her belly and talking all about
the baby. Cutie patootie, my girl

My beautiful Maggie. Oh my heart!

2009-09-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Just got a chance to look at pictures from the 5K. Our volunteer, Liz, had a good time photographing my beautiful Maggie. My heart swells looking at my gorgeous little girl.

Preparing for the balloon release in memory of Allie and Taylor and in honor of the children HFC helped from September 2008 to September 2009. Maggie loved sending balloons to her sister!