A final blog post for now

Almost 13 years ago, I started a website built by my ex-husband to chronicle the life of our newborn baby.  We posted pictures of her that let me stare at her face when I returned to work after my maternity leave was over.  In May 2004, the focus of the site shifted to an online journal to write about the daily struggles with her leukemia and eventually, her death.  

Though it has changed names a few times, I kept the blog going for 11 years.  However, I haven't written once in over a year.  For this, I am deeply apologetic.  I've read the comments from past readers accusing me of not caring or of not being a sincere person because of it. That's fine, think what you must.  

The truth is, I got stuck with writing.  I've started multiple blog posts before today to say a goodbye.  It's not that my story or life is done or so perfect that I no longer need a blog.  It's that I no longer feel like this is a safe zone to post things.  Posts that I have done have been thrown back at me, even used as a threat.  Something I wrote about my blended family got misconstrued and there were hurt feelings.  There were situations I would have liked to write about but I felt that I couldn't either due to the confidentiality for that family member or because I did not want to have backlash from the other side.  

These are excuses, I know.  I should have at least taken the time to write.  I'm sorry.  

Life is good right now.  It's busy, that's for sure.  We have two kids in braces and a third going in to braces, so I am doing a lot of extra tutoring to make side money for the family.  The girls are all still extremely involved with theatre as I am as a volunteer for them.  I have show managed four shows and we started my fifth to show manager this past month, Annie Jr.  Maggie is Kate, one of the main orphans, and Katie is Sandy the Dog as well as Mrs. Pugh.  They love it.  It takes up the majority of our free time, but the girls love being at the theatre.  All their best friendships have developed at the theatre, so it has become a large part of their social life as well.

Maggie is now in the 5th grade and Katie is in the 1st.  My stepdaughters are in 9th grade and the oldest started college at a small Christian university, The King's University, in Texas.  Out of respect to them, I will not blog further about them, but I will say I'm thankful they are in my life in some way.  Katie is big into karate and just test for her junior green belt.  She is ecstatic because that means sparring now.  We go to the gym for karate three times a week.  Katie is just as energetic and wild as ever, but she remains the funniest person I've ever met in my life. Maggie is on her 10th major production with North Texas Performing Arts and loves every minute of being on stage.  She is our head in the clouds sweetheart who is often doing more daydreaming than anything else.  Maggie is in choir at school once a week after school and takes voice lessons as well.  See, they are BUSY! I'm basically a taxi service on a daily basis.

I'm still at my school and loving it.  I teach five French classes a day and one leadership class.  It's perfect for me.  I'm always working and usually have more plates to juggle, but the job is what I want.  One day, I hope to go back to school and get my Master's in Education Administration.  Yep, I want to be a principal one day.  Preferably for middle school.

Rob and I are doing great together.  We both volunteer as youth leaders for our church on Wednesday nights.  I'm so thankful for Rob and his influence on my spiritual growth.  When we first started dating, I knew he was going to church, but I didn't go.  He didn't ask or pressure.  Six months into our dating, I asked to go along with him.  I cried throughout the entire service since the sermon was titled "The Hurt Pocket" and focused on life's hurts that keep us from having a relationship with God.  I began attending with him, but I was still nervous.  Four years ago, I rededicated my life as a Christian.  Two years ago, we felt called to serve as leaders.  Rob and I faithfully attend Wednesday night service each week with the students.  He is now leading 12th graders and I have 9th graders who I have been with since they were in 7th grade.  We love it.  It has been such a blessing for our family and our marriage to serve in this way.  Last Sunday, I was baptized again.  Our youth pastor baptized me with Rob, Maggie, and Katie standing alongside.  Cleansing in so many ways.

Our future will keep us here in the area for many years to come.  The girls are happy in their school.  Maggie even starts at my middle school next year.  I can't even begin to fathom that my girl will be a middle schooler.

There will be hard times for us, for that we can be certain.  There will be times I wish I could come back to this blog to write, but I fear that what I would write could be used against me as it has in the past.  I won't blog anymore, but I will always be thankful for the years I had this site.  I'm grateful to everyone who has read along the way.  

With gratitude, 
Jenny 

Partner in Life

My husband was out of town for two weeks.  I'm used to him having to be gone from time to time, but it is always a little challenging.  I miss him desperately, especially when all we can do is text from time to time in the day.  Mornings are more hectic without his calm guidance of the children, packing of school lunches, and kisses goodbye as he stands at the backdoor to shuffle us out.  Nights are not as good without his cooking (he cooks way better than me!), help with nighttime prayers/bedtime for the girls, and sitting up talking when the kids are *finally* in bed. 

I was a single mom for three years and managed just fine (note--slightly frazzled, a little exhausted, always broke) on my own.  After a year and a half of marriage, I've adjusted to having this partner in my life--best friend, husband, and love.  *Pinch me! 

Thing is, while he was gone, the kids and I did just fine.  Sure, mornings were hectic and we were tardy once.  (Ok, twice--it was the second to last day of school and she forgot her school yearbook for the signing party) We may have had macaroni and cheese once or twice because Mama did not have the time or energy to cook.  I didn't sleep quite as well without him near me.  But, we did ok.

It's not that I NEED him to function.  I'm still independent enough to manage and I'm a good enough mom to handle it all.  I mowed the lawn, hosted playdates, shuffled kids to and from the theatre for performances and rehearsals, watched my girl kick it in karate, took them to church, took kids to the water park, and kept the house from burning down.

I might not need a man, but boy do I ever love the one I've got. 

Negative Mom Thoughts

 What is it about moms that we compare ourselves to others and then decide we don't measure up?  Why do we focus on the negative of our parenting?  I know I have plenty of negatives as a parent--I don't cook frequently for my kids.  I don't make elaborate crafts with them or cut their sandwiches into cool shapes.  I haven't taught my 9 year old how to ride a bike (I've tried a few times and we've both ended up frustrated with the other and gave up).  In the mornings, I rush them and get aggravated when we walk out the door later than we would like.  The list could go on....

Recently, I read something on one of my late night unable to sleep Pinterest binges that really resonated with me.  I was having a particularly challenging evening after a temper tantrum by the five year that left me angry and exhausted.  I was lying in bed thinking negative thoughts about my parenting.  Then, I read this....



WAIT!  I do those things!  Maybe the nutritious lunch isn't in some cool shape, but it is healthy and I regulate how much junk they eat.   Dinner time is rarely anywhere but the kitchen table where we discuss our positives and negatives of the day.  Our date nights with individual girls have been so much fun this year.

Maybe I'm just too hard on myself.   

I don't do everything perfect.  I won't.  This was a good reminder that while I might not always feel like I'm doing everything well (you know, this saying "Behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up"), my kids are getting things that they need from me.  Ultimately, they are loved and I know I am loved back.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only moms who needs this reminder sometimes (PS--Have the tissues ready)

Happy Mother's Day

Poetry by Maggie for Mama. My heart is exploding

Goodbye, my love

 

This afternoon, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I laid on the floor of a vet's office, stroked my baby girl, and watched her fall asleep for the last time.  I said goodbye to my best friend of 14 years, my constant companion and my favorite pet.  The picture above was taken moments before we left for the vet this afternoon.  Look at that beautiful face. 

Brandy has been with me since she was 5 weeks old.  I often called her the dog the school district bought me since I used money I won from winning the district's Beginning Teacher of the Year to buy her.  Cutest puppy ever--just a butterball of fur!  She was a mischievous puppy who loved to destroy paper.  She was a sock thief who took every opportunity to steal people's socks.  She hid them all over the house, tucking them into couch cushions and under my pillow.  When I was pregnant, she was my shadow at all times.  I have so many memories of her lying her head on my pregnant belly while I watched TV.  I used to joke that if she could crawl in the womb with me, she would have. 

She was the most loyal dog I could have ever asked for.   

Brandy has been through everything with me.  I got her at 23, so practically my entire adult life has been spent with her by my side.  She's been there through the birth of all three of my girls, Allie's death, my divorce, my single mommyhood, and my  new marriage to Rob.  She's been with me through all the tears and all the joys.  She laid beside me at my darkest moments when I literally couldn't pick myself up off the floor.  

There were times she was the only one I knew truly loved me. 

She started rapidly declining over the past few months. We had to coax her to eat most days.  Don't get me wrong, she still managed to steal a cheeseburger from me recently, but she had lost most appetite for food.  She was skin and bones, weighing in at only 39 lbs today.  She had lost all control of her functions about a month ago and we've been containing her in the kitchen to help control the messes. I wasn't ready to let go.  On April 9th, the girls and I threw her a 14th birthday dinner, getting her cake balls from the local doggie bakery and a cookie cake for us.  We loved on her lots, as we always have. 

We made the final decision on Tuesday night after she had five potty accidents and fell multiple times. She was falling all the time now and struggling to get up.  She hasn't eaten well in months.  I picked her up and put her on the scale with me.  When I saw that my once 65-70 lbs dog was a mere 39 lbs, I knew.  We had to do this for her.  The state testing was Tuesday and Wednesday for Maggie, so I knew I couldn't tell her until after it was over.  We waited until last night to sit down to have a family meeting.  

Telling the girls was agonizing.  Both sobbed and kept saying they weren't ready for BB to die.  I invited my ex-husband to come over and say goodbye.  She was his dog for 10 years and she loved him very much.  He and his wife came last night and loved on Brandy.  She perked up a little at seeing him and wagged her tail happily.  I offered for him to take the girls out to dinner to help cheer them up and I know that helped them a lot.  

This morning, Katie came in crying that she needed one more day with Brandy and didn't want us to take her to the vet.  We calmly explained that because we love her, we had to.  I hated watching my 5 year old say goodbye to her beloved pet.  She and Brandy always had a connection together.  She used to call Brandy her horse and would ride her.  She hasn't done that in over a year since B was way too fragile. The girls hugged Brandy this morning, gave her a treat from each of them and headed off to school.  Thankfully, they are at their dad's tonight to give them a little distraction.  It helps us too since I've been sick during all this too and my fever hasn't broken once today.  So, I feel miserable both with my heart and my body.  

Rob and I stayed with her until the very end.  I stayed on the floor and he was in the chair behind me stroking my back and giving me love.  He and I both cried along with the vet when we were told she was gone.  I'm so glad I had him next to me through it.  He told me how proud of me he was for staying strong and how much he too will miss her (even though she made him nuts at times!)

I'm going to miss my girl so much.  Life in this house will not be the same without her, that's for sure.  Dinner will certainly be quieter without her barking at us (the barking got worse and worse the more old and senile she got).  I won't have her Darth Vader breathing in every video I take of my kids now.  We might be able to leave a loaf of bread on the counter without her swiping it and eating the whole thing.  Her absence will be felt strongly.  Even our other dog Bandit, who has never lived without Brandy, will have to adjust without her.  Those two were buddies and laid back to back in Brandy's dog bed every day together.  Who will follow my every move now?  I feel as though I've lost my shadow.  After 14 years of having her right behind me, I'll have to adjust to being without her.  

Goodbye, my love.  I'll miss you always. 

Love them more than words

Working Mom

I've been a working mom for eleven years now.  I vividly remember a student's mom asking me at 6 months pregnant with my first child what my plans were once the baby was born.  I told her that I would take my maternity leave and return to the classroom to teach when it was complete.  Looking at me condescendingly, she responded with "Oh, well, I guess that will be nice for MY child."  Well, ok then.

I have an advantage now that I am a teacher again.  Yes, I get more time off with my children.  I no longer travel like I did when I was director of the charity.  That was difficult and took a large toll on my family.  I love my summers with the children when I get to be home with them, but I am always ready to be back to the academic rigor of the school year.  During the year, I work long hours, both at the school and home grading papers after the children go to bed.  Often until late in the night.

I think the struggle is balance.  Most working moms feel like they are doing an inadequate job in one or both areas of their lives.  I can't always be the teacher and employee I want to be because of my commitments as a mom. I can't always be the mom I want to be due to the commitments I have to my job.  I often feel like I am failing one or the other.  I question my abilities and I find comfort in other working moms who have the same issues.

It's a constant juggling act.  

As a teacher, I can't take my kids to the early morning dentist appointment and simply arrive late to work.  I ask for the latest appointment available in the day, explaining with a slight apology to the doctor's receptionist that I am a school teacher.  I have 24 minutes for lunch, so I can't bring my girls lunch from Chick Fil-A and enjoy seeing them with their elementary classmates.  School parties or assemblies?  Forget it.  I have to be in the classroom.  My girls understand, though they do complain on occasion that I can never be there.  Cue the mom guilt!

All in all though, I wouldn't change it.  I love my family and cherish my time with them.  I love my career and feel strongly that I was called to be in the classroom working with students.  My daughters are proud of me for being a teacher.  They love to come up to my school and meet my students during evening activities.  They enjoy hearing stories about the students.  Maggie has even written a prompt about it in class over who she most admires and why.  

I chose this life.  Daily, I continue to choose it.  It's not the easiest and it certainly is not meant for everyone. However, it's my life and I love being a working mom.

This is Family

This is my family.  It's complicated and hectic.  It's a blend of his and mine; of different ways the children were raised and different traditions.  It is a hectic schedule of coming and going with kids often all over the place.  It's not what I originally set out to have when I became a mom.  

It's so much more.   It's wonderful, fun, crazy, loving, hilarious, insane, frustrating, and loud.   
It's mine and I love it so.  

I've fallen in love with my life.  That's so ridiculously corny to say, but it is so true.  I love this life.  Sure, it's challenging and has it's moments where I think maybe I'm not cut out for the blended family/divorced mom sharing her kids/run around crazy hectic life that I have.  Then I stop and look at what I have.  What I have is AWESOME.  

These kids, y'all.  They are so terrific.  Oh my goodness they are funny.  The laughter in this house is beyond what I ever thought imaginable.  Each of them have a unique humor too.  17's sarcasm is unparalleled while 5's insanity keeps people bent over laughing.  They can be so thoughtful at times.  12 and 9 are our most giving and thoughtful towards everyone else.  They will work hard at creating plays/variety shows for family gatherings, make cards for everyone, or go out of their way to buy little gifts with the limited money they have.  They are creative and artistic.  They are incredible as sisters.  They have found such a love for one another that the label of "step" is unnecessary.  They are sisters.  Each girl brings something to our family that without, we would not be complete. 

Then there is the man.  Never did I imagine life could be so loved.  Never did I imagine *I* could be so loved.  This man is the most loving towards me.  Not a single day goes by without being told I am beautiful, loved, special, or a wonderful mom.  Not a single day goes by without "I love you" repeated more than a few times.  He works hard for our family.  He focuses on what he needs to get done with his business so that he can better our family.  He appreciates and values my work ethic, often staying up late at night with me while I grade papers or lesson plan.  He is funny and kind, liked by just about everyone.  You know, one of those all around good guys.  Seriously, I got the better end of the deal.  He ended up with neurotic me!  LOL.  

It's not perfect and it never will be.  I will struggle.  I will get frustrated and angry at times.  I will not be the perfect wife/mom/stepmom.  However, I will strive to take care of this people to the best I can.  I will be thankful for them and love them.  I will appreciate who they are and how they make our family better.  

I will appreciate that this is family.  This is MY family. 

Great Granddaughters with Mom Mom

Two months ago, doctors told us my Mom Mom was near the end of her life. She was in the hospital and everything shutting down. Our stubborn old lady and awesome Mom Mom proved them wrong! Here she is last night at family dinner at my house with our four girls. So thankful our girls are growing up with this amazing woman in their life.

Happy 5th to my Buggy!

My baby is FIVE. Our oldest turned 17 last week and now our youngest is 5. I'd be lying if I said I didn't shed a tear today. I swear I only blinked and she stopped being a baby....

Parenting the Headstrong Child

My awesome Katie is about to turn five.  She is hilarious, smart, and loving.  When she is playing, she loves to run back in to the room where I am and kiss me before barrelling back out of the room.  She constantly entertains us with her antics and the way she loves to perform for us.  She likes to script our play time, telling us exactly what we are to say next.  Some of the things she busts out with are the funniest I've ever heard.  I honestly don't think I've ever laughed harder than I do from Katie.  Recently, she came in singing the alphabet backwards.  My husband joked it was her already preparing for her first DUI.  She's free spirited and loves life to the fullest.  She took her first karate class last week and we're now calling her the "Smackdown Princess."   Seriously, it was the greatest thing ever to watch her in karate class. She came out screaming "I LOVED IT!!"  Katie is in constant motion.  She NEVER sits still.

This child is a force. 

With all that said, Katie has her VERY challenging moments.  Once this child gets something in her head that she wants to have, do, eat (you get the point), the word NO is utter and complete devastation.  The last big meltdown was Wednesday morning when she came in announcing she was wearing her slippers to school.  Um...no, you're not.  That lasted a good 25 minutes.  She screamed that her other shoes hurt her too much.  They don't.  She screamed that she is allowed to wear her slippers to school.  She isn't.  She cannot be reasoned with once she gets like that.  She will sometimes put herself in her room until she cools down, but most of the time, she will badger us, scream, cry, etc.  By the time it's all over, all of us are WHOOPED. 

It's not every day, but it a frequent enough occurence for us and her teachers that we are talking all the time about how to help her.  Creating incentives for her to work towards.  Issuing her consequences.  Praising her for correct behavior.  Sometimes it helps.  Sometimes she couldn't give a crap.  Over the years, it's definitely improved.  I think we're at once or twice a week and most she can snap out of easier and faster than a few years ago.  About a month ago, she had a fit at school and woke all her friends up during naptime.  After they finally got her to calm down, she looked at the teacher and said, "uh oh, Mama is going to give me a consequence."  Sure did--no sleeping in my bed that night which she had planned to do since my husband was out of town.  She loves to sleep with me when it's just me so that was definitely something she was sorry to miss out on.  Of course, I then got to deal with the "please, please, please, I'll be better" all night when she knew sleeping with me was a no-go. 

Everyone says "it will serve her well later in life to be so strong-willed."  OK, I get that, but oof, I need her to make it through childhood without losing what little sanity I have too!  We all know I'm a little crazy already, haha!

Do you have the strong-willed child?  Any advice?

At least it's a good thing she is damn cute!

Be Still My Heart

2015 Resolutions

I've thought a lot about resolutions for this new year. Will I make them?  Will I keep them?  What did I do last year?  I kept most of them from last year--more cooking for my family (I cook now!), less cussing (this was tough but I do not cuss very often anymore), put my marriage first, and connecting better with friendships I wanted to strengthen.  I failed completely at others--learning to run and do a 5K (that was a huge fail) and putting down the cell phone before bed.

So, where does that leave me?  In the end, I'm an optimist.  I love the idea of a blank slate and a chance to try something and challenge myself.  I love setting goals and strive to do better each  year. So, here I am, typing out my resolutions for 2015 when I really should be going to bed right now because I go back to work tomorrow.  I decided to break my resolutions into categories.  Here we go...

As a mother

• More date nights with individual children.  I love our special time, and last year , I did not complete my monthly date nights with the girls.  The children noticed and have been asking to get back into our routine of individual time.  Katie and I had a date last Friday night.  We saw Penguins of Madagascar then went to "gas station McDonalds" per her request.  Maggie and I will hopefully have a date next week to see Annie 2014 (again!).  I had a date just me and 12 over the break, and hopefully will do the same with (soon to be!) 17 soon. 
• More time reading together.  I love reading with my children.  Love to make the voices and snuggle up as we read.  With crazy schedules, homework, activities, and other things going on, sometimes the book reading feels rushed.  Sometimes I don't get to it with Maggie because I know she read during her after school time. 

As a wife

• Get my cell phone out of the bedroom at night!  Oh, this is a bad one for me.  I talked to Rob about it tonight.  Recently, we heard someone speak about the destruction cell phones can have on a marriage.  Honestly, I believe it.  I've become accustomed to using my cell as a way to fiddle and relax before bed.  What if I was using that time to visit with my husband, read a book, or actually GO TO BED at a decent time.  Our church is starting their annual 21 day fast.  They encourage people to choose their path of fasting.  I have decided to give up sugar, soda, and the use of the cell phone after 7pm.  I am going to lock it in the cabinet in the kitchen.  I am hoping it will help me create the habit. 
• Get away just the two of us.  This one really needs to happen.  I love my time with this man so much.  It doesn't need to be a long or extravagant vacation.  At least one or two little getaways for a weekend would be lovely for us. 

As a teacher

• Lesson plan a minimum of one to two weeks out at all times.  Maybe this one will only resonate with my fellow teachers out there.  How often do I walk in to the building thinking "ok, what am I teaching today?"  Too often.  Granted, I have a general idea, but often I'm still pulling it together during my morning conference period.  When I am one to two weeks planned out, I'm more focused, calmer, and able to stay on top of my grading more efficiently.  All this equals LESS STRESS.  Yeah, that sounds like what I want. 

As an individual

• Stop and simply relax sometimes.  I am go, go, go most of the time.  Over the past week, I stopped and relaxed a lot.  It felt like a decadence.  I still had time to get the house cleaned, connect with people, and run some errands.  Not every minute was scheduled.  It was NICE.  I need to make sure I am making an effort to SLOW DOWN sometimes.   I need to take some time for me.  Get a pedicure from time to time.  Read a book for pleasure while relaxing at night.  Go for a bike ride.  I need it  I don't do it nearly often enough.  I mean, I'm a mom of a busy blended family of four busy girls.  When is there time for me?  Maybe I can find that a little more. 
• Blog more often.  I didn't blog much in 2014, mainly due to feeling like I couldn't.  I removed at least three posts last year, either before or after posting them.  I even got in a fight over one post and had to have a long discussion with someone after another.  I want to continue to have my voice on this blog, but do it in the right manner.  I want to write more frequently because for some odd reason, many of you are still reading.  People are still daily coming to this blog and I am not writing.  That needs to end.  I love this blog.  Journaling is very therapeutic for me and has been for the past ten years. 

2014 Reflections

It's the last day of 2014.  As we go into this next year, there are changes I want to make for a better year for my family and me.  I have resolutions for moving forward, but I also want to take time to reflect back. 

Here's a few questions I found on this website  to help me reflect on 2014 to assist with looking towards 2015....

1. What did you do this year that you have never done before? Travel to France with my husband on my annual trip with my students.  Having him there made it the best experience! Standing on top of the Eiffel Tower with very best friend?  Best moment of 2014. 
2. What was the smartest decision you made this year? Moving into the home we now have.  Love it here!
3. What one word best sums up and describes your experience last year?  Learning
4. What are you most grateful for this past year?  Rob's love and support.  Corny, yes, but true
5. What do you wish you had done more of?  Traveled alone with Rob.  One day, we'll get a honeymoon. 
6. What do you wish you had done less of?  Allowed anxiety to control a situation and feel stressed.  Also, spent less time consumed by the cell phone (note--new year's resolution number 1)
7. Knowing what you know now, if you could write a letter to yourself that would travel back in time so that you would receive exactly one year ago, what advice would you give yourself?  Know that it will all work out in the end.  Don't let the anxiety and fear of what could happen affect the current situation. 
8. Who were the three people who had the greatest impact on your life last year?  My amazing husband Rob, best friend Nikki, my loving mother Sharon
9. Did anyone close to you give birth?  No
10. Did anyone close to you die?  Thank goodness, no. 
11. What important relationship improved the most?  My husband.  Being newlyweds was incredible!  Fell more in love with him each day during 2014. 
12. What important relationship suffered the most?  Co-parenting relationship
13. Whose behavior or what event merited celebration? 12.  She truly took on being a big sister to the little girls, matured, grew in her relationship with me, and became the most helpful person we have in this house.  She is a quirky fun kid who makes my life better.   I'm so proud to be her stepmom!
14. Whose behavior or what event appalled you?  Oh, I'll leave that off the blog.  I don't believe this person reads this blog, but I have to watch what I say.  No, it has nothing to do with #12.  However, it was ridiculous and most definitely appalling. 
15. How did you positively influence a child (or the next generation) this year?  Teaching.  I have the greatest students and love my job daily.  Not every aspect of my job, but I still find joy in it daily.  Students at the end of last year wrote me notes of thanks telling me how I changed their life.  I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my career. 
16. What well-known person, dead or alive, influenced you the most this year?  God.  I've become more in touch with my faith over the past almost three years.  It's a journey I didn't think possible after feeling like I lost my faith completely.  Prayer has become a part of my daily routine as it once had been up until Maggie was born.  Rob and I became youth leaders in our church this year and it has been one of the most fulfilling experiences we've had as a couple.  We love our Wednesday nights and the people we've met through leadership.  We love our students and the meaningful conversations we have with them.  I know it has made us a stronger couple.  I often feel inadequate because of my past, but God is showing me that it is enough. 
17. Who made you laugh the most this year?  My daughter, Katie.   Funniest person I've ever met in my life.  She spent the better part of an hour today with a (clean!) pair of underwear on her head singing Frozen while pretending she was a dog. 
18. What were your favorite TV programs?  We watch very little TV, but love Impractical Jokers on TruTV.  Rob and I will watch late at night for a laugh before bed.  Absolutely hilarious!
19. What were your favorite books?  I read a lot more this year than in the past few years.  From self-help to young adult books my kids and students are reading, I found a little more time to read.  It's been nice. 
20. What was your biggest musical or art discovery?  Three musicals that my kids were in!  12 was the LEAD in the high school show of the Music Man.  Maggie had two small parts in Ever After and Annie Jr at the children's theatre.  I love watching them perform!  We were blown away with 12's performance.  We're continually impressed with the quality of productions of the children's theatre. 
21. What was your favorite movie this year?  I know I'm an adult, but I have to say Annie 2014.  It was my all time favorite movie as a child and I LOVED the new version.  12 teased me for crying! 
22. What song will always remind you of this year?  I Lived, OneRepublic.  I took 16, her friend, and two of my friends to their concert down in Austin this August then used the song on the first day of school in my classroom. 
23. What musical artist did you listen to the most this year?  Probably Eric Hutchinson or Ben Folds
24. Did you attend any concerts, plays, or art events this year?  Yes, but I would have loved to do even more!  Concerts included Eric Hutchinson (our favorite just me and the man), Ben Folds, Parachute, OneRepublic, Brendan James.  Lots of plays, especially at te children's theatre.  Maggie has done two shows with them this year plus I've seen performances of my students multiple times.  I would love to have season passes to Dallas Summer Musicals as well, but the price is a little more than I have to spend on me right now. 
25. What did you wear often in your closet?  Anything with a cardigan, maxi skirt, or skinny jeans and boots
26. What was your hair style this year?  Long and straight.  It has gotten REALLY long this year!
27. What did you really, really, really get excited about this year?  Larissa, my co-founder, becoming the new Executive Director of Heroes for Children and me becoming the Vice-Chairman of the Board of Directors.  We celebrated our TENTH year as an organization with a big celebration in November, and we have our 10 year fundraiser in March.  Good things to come for HFC!
28. How old did you turn on your birthday?  36.  About to turn 37 in January
29. How did you celebrate your birthday this year?  At Great Wolf Lodge celebrating mine, Katie's and 16's all together.  It was so much fun! 12 begged us (over and over) for over a year to go.  We told her she was not allowed to even ASK to go for another year.  She knows that restriction is up on my birthday and I'm sure she'll be ready to ask as soon as possible! :) 
30. Did anyone close to you have an important milestone birthday?  Oldest stepdaughter turned 16!  She got Dad's old car and started driving.  I think it's hitting Rob hard how quickly the time is passing and how little we have left before she is in college.  They are planning college visits for the Spring together. 
31. How did you spend the holidays?  We volunteered with an organization called the SoupMobile on Christmas Eve with the big girls.  It took in 500 homeless men, women and children in Dallas and put them up at the Dallas Omni Hotel overnight.  It was an amazing experience.  Christmas Day was a little odd because we were opposite on our schedules.  Didn't get the littles until 3pm so we made the bigs wait until they came home (yes, that is what we call them all the time).  Three hours of present opening ensued.  My favorite part was watching the excitement they all showed towards one another when opening gifts.  They loved seeing what each got and complimenting each other.  These girls love each other so much! We attempted to do family pictures on the 26th before we took the littles back to their dad, but Katie was not behaving her finest.  Maybe a few turned out ok!
32. How will you be spending New Year's?  At home.  My husband had surgery on Monday, so he's recovering.  Having a "Girl Party" with Maggie, Katie, and Maggie's friend.  First time Maggie has been allowed to stay up late.  We have plans for every hour.  She is making us dress up and curl our hair.  We have crafts, games, sparkling grape juice, movies, their favorite dinner (Cheez-It chicken) and dessert (apple nachos) to keep us happy.  I am assuming Rob will be asleep or at least hiding downstairs in bed. 
33. I missed...  My dad.  I would have loved him to know Rob.  They would have gotten along so well.  Allie.  I always miss Allie. 
34. I would use a magic wand to change... my finances.  Wouldn't that be great!  HA
35. I want to repeat... The terrific summer we had as a family. 
36. I lost.... my battle with Adult ADD--started medication this year to help me focus a little better.  I can't say I've seen a great improvement year.  I often forget to take the medication!
37. I gained...  even more respect for my mom as I watched her be sworn as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for Child Protective Services.  She asked me to be her guest to see her at the swearing in ceremony with the judge.  I cried watching this woman I love knowing all the good she will do for this organization.  So proud of my mom!
38. I regret...  allowing anxiety to affect me from time to time.  Panic attacks are not fun!
39. I am thankful for... my friends and family who make my life better each day.  I've learned so much this year.  It's easily been one of the biggest years of personal growth for me.  The year wasn't exactly what I anticipated for unforeseen reasons, but in the end, it was a good one.  I still have a lot to learn about being a wife, mom, stepmom to this family and how I can make the most of it all.  Of course, I'll probably be saying that every year of my life to come!
40. I felt most alive when... my house was filled with all four children together.  My most favorite thing in the world!

One Year

This was us a year ago today...

Saying those two little words was the easiest thing I've ever done. Marrying Rob was the best decision I've ever made. He's my rock, my love, my best friend, my secret keeper, my best cheerleader, and my companion. He makes me happy beyond measure.

Our life can certainly have it's challenges, but it has three times as many rewards. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Looking forward to our next year and all the years to come spending time beside one another. Today was our last full day with our big girls before they return to Oklahoma midday tomorrow. The little girls return at noon tomorrow. No date for us to celebrate until sometime in January, but we don't care. We've hung out with the kids, laughed, and enjoyed our family.

I don't need much for my anniversary--just the man I'm thankfully married to.

Sisters, Blended Family Style

Love these awesome girls!

Dear Summer, Don't Go....

Tomorrow, I have my first meeting for department heads.  Tuesday night, an hour meeting for foreign language leadership in the district.  Wednesday, training to return as the new Peer Assistance and Leadership teacher at my school (can't wait--taught it years ago).  Thursday, it's back full time. 

The summer is gone.  I'm not ready. 

Sure, the heat and the sweatiness will stick around (hi, we live in Texas), but the long days with my girls and extra family time are gone.  I have absolutely LOVED being a stay at home mom this summer.  Those are words I never thought I would hear.  I have been cleaning, cooking, mowing the grass, decorating the house, having adventures with the kids, and doing extra things around the house to help my husband.  Tonight, I just finished my job as "props and backstage mom" for Maggie's major production at the Plano Children's Theatre.  This was a two week intensive camp with six performances--we're whooped! 

Once school starts back, it'll be hectic around here.  Gone are our leisurely mornings where I tell the kids they can't come in my room until 9am (they get up before 7 and play quietly in the toy closet in Sissy's room together) then we all snuggle.  Gone are extended visitation with the big girls, with them having started school back last Wednesday up in Oklahoma.  We're back to just weekends now.  Gone is the ease of walking upstairs in the middle of the day to kiss my husband while he's working at his home office. 

I think it's surprised me how much I really did enjoy being so "domestic" here at the house.  Cooking?  Not my thing.  Making the bed on a regular basis?  Really, is anyone going to see it, come on.  Mowing the grass?  Man's job.  NOPE.  I have been doing it all and finding pleasure in taking care of my family in this way.  I've found several new recipes (BLESS YOU PINTEREST) that most of my family will eat.  It's hit or miss if we can get Katie to eat it, that picky little stinker. 

So, now it's time to find that balance between mom/teacher/wife/me.  I'll be ready for the students and the new school year eventually.  For now, I'm mourning the end of this terrific summer. 

Stepmom

For the past seven months, I have been a stepmom. 

Confession--most of the time, I think I'm failing.  

My stepdaughters live three hours away.  We don't have them during the week, drive them to appointments, or get to go to school functions easily.  Seeing a choir concert is a 6 plus hour drive for us (and we've done it multiple times this year), so it's not easy.  We miss the big girls and we spend more time with the little girls with them here in Texas with us.  Our blended family is busy and I struggle daily to juggle it all. 

Being a mom is HARD.  It's exhausting and it is full of demands.  Being a stepmom?  I had no idea how much harder.  You don't have the unconditional love of the child you've known since she squeaked in your arms moments after birth.  You don't have the child who wants to curl up in your lap or have special mama/daughter time with you.  You don't have the child that knows that even if you get frustrated with them, you love them to the depths of your soul.  You have the child who never wanted you in her life in the first place and always knows her mother can do it better (and she can, they have a great mom).  

I'm never first choice.  In the line of four parents, I'm fourth.  No doubt.  I'm learning to accept this. 

It hurt at first because I so wanted the girls to love me.  I so wanted them to want to spend time with me or want to communicate with me.  I got my feelings hurt.  A lot.  I responded poorly.  A lot.  I tried.  Over and over.  I still try.  Sometimes it's met with terrific results and I cry because I think "they like me!  maybe they can love me!"  Sometimes it feels like we are right back to square one and I cry because I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering if they actually hate me (sidenote--I don't believe they really hate me, it's just my own fear creeping in).  

Step-parenting feels like a dance--it's very one step forward and one step back. OK, two steps back. 

Being a stepmom has it's incredible rewards.  My stepdaughters are amazing.  They are talented and funny.  I've learned a lot from them.  They are terrific big sisters to my girls, and do not see the boundary of step when it comes to Maggie and Katie.  Those are their sisters and they adore them.  We can laugh so much as a family and have developed our own inside jokes that are just for our family of six.  I love my stepdaughters.  I love them so much and I'm crazy proud of them. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy.  It's been a terrific summer with his12 year old here with us for a month.  16 only joined us for a week because she was working all summer at the frozen yogurt shop in her town. It was hard to not have her here with us.  We can't make her come and we accept that she is working with responsibilities now.   I made it my goal that 12 would have a good summer.  We had playdates with her favorite Texas friends, sleepovers and a trip to the water park.  We took one friend and the three of our younger ones to a cabin on Possum Kingdom lake for a week and have a blast.  At the end, she rated the summer a 9 out of 10.  We had our bumps in the road, but in the end, it was a great summer.  We miss her already!

Most importantly, I love their father.  I love this family and no matter how long it takes, I am committed to this blended family. So, I'm a stepmom. 

Are you in a stepcouple?  How long?  What advice do you have to someone still gaining her footing in this new dynamic?  

Early Father's Day with all his girls

So lucky to raise children with this man. Celebrated Father's Day yesterday because we will be in France on the actual date.

Mother's Day 2014

Historically, Mother's Day has not been my favorite.  My first Mother's Day ten years ago was the day they transferred my precious baby from the PICU to the transplant unit.  My second, I was a pregnant grieving mother.  Over the years, it wasn't usually a good experience.  Even last year, it wasn't great, as Rob shared something we me (that I needed to know) which ruined my mood for the day.  So, as usual, my hopes weren't high for a great day.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I didn't get a day, I got the best weekend with my sweet family and felt more loved than ever. 

Rob is the BEST at sending flower.  My front office staff always rave about how I get the most flowers.  He sends them for our anniversary, my birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and usually just once just because.  His cards are usually my favorite part.  Rarely do I not cry when I read his words.  Most of them are hanging on my board next to my desk at work.  Three are across the bottom of the computer monitor.  Friday morning started off with a lovely bouquet of flowers, including my favorite lillies.  He knows me well.

An easy home night was perfect Friday night with the four of us. Saturday was a big family night, hosted for the first time in OUR NEW HOME (Yay!!  We love it!).  My mom, grandma, brother, his wife and daughter all joined us for an easy fun night where the volume of three children quickly sounded more like eight. 

Finally came Mother's Day.  It was more than I could have asked for.  Maggie and Katie showered me with hugs and kisses.  Maggie wrote me two beautiful letters at school and Katie's preschool teacher had a sweet letter she helped Katie write.  Oh, these girls.  What a blessing it is to be their mother.  We went out for an adventure.  All I ever wanted for Mother's Day was a family day planned for me.  Rarely did this ever happen.  It did this time.  We went to church as a family, out to brunch, then headed down to the Dallas Arboretum.  There was a free outdoor concert from the US Navy Band and tons of fun with the kids.  By the time we got home, we decided a leftover night was exactly what we needed. They gave me some thoughtful gifts that the girls picked out themselves and the new rolling kitchen cart I've been wanting.  Then, I was sent to relax in bed!  YES! 

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who celebrated.  Thank you to the three loves of my life who made me feel important and loved.  Doesn't everyone deserve that?