Can't wait

Where Angela Krieger and I will be next weekend at some point. Not sure when yet, but positive we WILL be watching this movie.

Last Fundaising Event in 2008!

Dallas Heroes and Handbags

Houston Heroes and Handbags

5K Run/Walk

Heroes for Children Golf Classic

and tonight?

Hold'Em for Heroes!!

I'm off to raise more money for cancer families!

The support? It means a lot. I didn't realize that posting about my weight issues would bring out such great comments and encouragement, but I'm thankful for them all just the same. One thing that helps for sure--knowing I'm not alone. Many of us struggle with weight issues each and every day. Some just do better than others.

As for me, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the yo-yo dieting, the motivation and than quick diminishing of it all, and the stress eating. I'm desperate to feel better about my size and to actually get to wear some of the clothes in my clothes. Right now? Most doesn't fit and it frustrates the hell out of me.

I'm just finishing my third day of Phase I of South Beach. For those that are unfamiliar--this is a two week intense phase with no carbs, no sugars, no starchy veggies, and no fruit. I am not able to completely cut out the fruit, but I am following it completely otherwise. After the two weeks, I get to slowly introduce good carbs, such as whole grains, and fruit back into my everyday routine. For those that are familiar with Weight Watchers--this is VERY similiar to Core once in Phase II. It focuses on more natural foods, less processed things. I did this two years ago and found great success (lost 8 lbs in the first two weeks--all from my middle!). I fell off the wagon for our cruise and never got back on.

I can't tell you I'm loving it right now. It's tough. I'm tired and I'm a bit cranky from being without my carbs. Come mid next week, I may be an outright bitch. BUT, if it does what it did for me last time, I will lose the cravings for the sweets. I will be able to add the good carbs without wanting to shovel it all in all at once.

As I already mentioned, Andrew and I have made the decision to train for a half marathon through Team in Training. No, we're not running. He gets cramps, and frankly, I'm big chested--not real conducive to running, especially not our first time. So, we're walking. Racewalking to be exact. Larissa trained to racewalk years ago and swears that I'll love it. I'm really excited about our first training session on Saturday. We're two weeks behind everyone else that is training, but we hope to get into it quickly. Our event isn't until April 5th (right after the Dallas Heroes and Handbags event on Friday, April 3rd--great way to help me fit into a great dress for the event!!). It's the Big D marathon in Dallas. The North Texas TNT only has two options for training for Spring marathons--it's either Dallas or ROME. Seriously? While we would of course love to return to Rome because we love the city, we just can't commit to fundraising $6,200 a piece. Not our first attempt!

Tonight was our first walk. We did 2.2 miles in 30 minutes. It's not the quickest pace in the world, but it worked for us. Maggie was snug as a bug in her jogging stroller and Brandy was horribly jealous that she wasn't invited along. If you have never walked my dog, you might not understand, but geesh that girl can pull. Andrew walks much faster than me, and I found myself behind more than once. When we got home, I was noticeable tired and feeling it whereas he said he didn't really feel much. Watch him lose more weight than me without even being on any kind of diet. That's how it goes, isn't it? Men.

I'm really excited to be doing this with Andrew. We are so completely different and tend to have very little common hobbies/interests. He is my best friend and I love him dearly, but we are different. This is fun and exciting to be doing something with him in this way. I'm excited that we've found something not only to help me in my weight loss but to attach to a worthy cause in memory of Allie. I love that Maggie will participate in some capacity with us through her stroller time with us taking family walks, especially helping us garner a healthier lifestyle for her as well. And what I really like about this plan for the half marathon? It gives me a goal to work towards. Just saying I'm going to climb my butt onto an elliptical at the gym is obviously not cutting it anymore. I have a goal, a date in sight. I will cross that finish line, with my wonderful husband by my side.

I will be posting periodically about the journey, and you can rest assured that I will be posting information regarding our fundraising pages once the sites are up and running. I appreciate the support and welcome the feedback and encouragement. I debated more than once to post my weight up on this site as another way to keep accountable, but frankly, I'm just too embarassed to do that. Way too many people read this for me to feel comfortable about saying how much I weigh!! Let's just say I have more than I'd like to admit that I need to lose.

Struggles I am going to have over the next two weeks--catered meals! I have tomorrow nights big Hold'Em for Heroes poker tournament, we have a donor appreciation party next week (guest speaker is Linda Armstrong Kelly, Lance Armstrong's amazing mother), and a baby shower for Jen. Oh wait, what else am I forgetting? Oh yes, that would be THANKSGIVING!! URGH! Meal for twelve people being hosted at my house. Guess Andrew and I will just have to make sure we do a really good walk afterwards! I'll need your help reminding me that just one day is not the excuse to let myself continue to spiral into bad habits because that is my usual routine. It's going to be tough to resist the good food that I know will be put in front of me, but I need to, I HAVE to resist them. Any tips?

Three days down, eleven more bitchy days to go before I move on to Phase II. Success--here I come!

Yeah!! Eating broccoli!!

Big time for my child who refuses to eat veggies

Time to lace up my sneakers

Andrew and I signed up for Team in Training today. We're going to do a half marathon in Dallas in April. We're two weeks behind in training, but starting on Saturday. I'm really excited to do this with him.

I wish I had more tonight to blog, but truthfully, the house is all quiet (Andrew is out helping my brother) and my bed is warm and cozy on this rainy night. I'll blog tomorrow

Battle of the Bulge

I have a problem. A weight problem. I've been struggling with it for years. I try to lose weight. I fail. I feel deflated when I realize my current size. I lose weight.

And then I gain it all back. Again, and again, and again.

So here I now sit the biggest I've ever been in my life, and I can't get a handle on it.

This year, I've dieted three times. I've lost a total of twenty five lbs (cumulatively--the most was 12) and gained thirty. I have one pair of jeans that currently fit, I only shop at one store these days, and I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I'm out of shape, tired all the time, and stressed. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm grieving and crying, I eat. And when I don't want to face my issues, you guessed it--I EAT.

The hardest part?

I'm ready for another baby. I want to get pregnant, but I am unwillingly to try at this current size. I just can't agree to pregnancy at this current state because it will just make it worse. I'm spiraling down. A pregnancy now would just make it worse. I know this. I've known it for about a month. And in the last month? Instead of taking the initiative and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, I've eaten more. Worse. And now? Ugh.

I'd like to tell you that this is a new revelation that will make me stick to it, but I don't know. I'm ready to give it another go. A fourth try. Yet, I can't help anticipating that fourth failure.

Our Daily Conversation

Maggie: What your daddy name, Mama?

Me: My daddy's name is Jerry Lawson.

Maggie: Lawson? Like my GaGa! Where your daddy?

Me: You know--where is my daddy?

Maggie: In Heaben with Allie. What he have?

Me: He had cancer.

Maggie: Like my Allie! She have Kemia. Allie my baby. Allie your baby?

Me: Yes, Allie is my baby. Just like you're my baby too.

Maggie: Oh no, I not a baby. I a big girl!!

Variations to the normal conversation:

Maggie: Allie was a real person?

OR

Maggie: Allie in Heaben a rweally long time. She coming back now?

Me: No, honey, Allie will stay in Heaven.

Maggie: I go to Heaben to see her and your daddy?

Me, Andrew, everyone else: Not until you're an old lady.

And a tough conversation back in September--

Maggie: Mama, all babies go to HEABEN!!

Me: Oh, no, baby. Not all babies go to Heaven. We know lots of babies and they aren't going to go to Heaven.

Maggie: Oh, just MY baby go to Heaben?

Me--complete silence as my heart breaks just a bit.

Maggie: Oh, I not an old lady. I a little girl.