Monday is the first day of school in our school district. Moms around town are busily getting their kids ready for the back to school madness. On Facebook, moms are excitedly posting things like "I can't believe my baby is starting kindergarten!!"
My baby is not starting kindergarten.
Monday will be a tough day for me. If Allie had survived, she would be heading to school with the rest of the nervous group of kindergarteners. I would be standing with other mothers crying over where the years have gone and how we already have a child old enough to go off to elementary school. This has hit me hard in the last week. I've cried many times. I feel like I've been cheated on a major milestone for both my child and me, and I'm reminded that there are many, many more milestones I will not see with Allie.
I've contemplated going to her grave on Monday to bring her flowers. This is not an easy decision for me to make as I do not visit her grave. Both of our mothers do and bring her flowers when they can, but I have struggled with it. Both she and my father are two plots away from each other. So, if I go to face one, I have to face the other. That's tough. When I have been in the past, I have had nightmares of her death for weeks afterwards.
It's been four years since I've visited my daughter's grave.
Please understand that this is VERY personal for me and sharing this is not easy. I'm not particularly proud of my own cowardice in facing my daughter's grave. I feel guilty. I can't tell you how many times I've driven myself that direction, gotten close, and then pulled away. I want badly to go on Monday, but I am so very afraid to face those emotions and the fear of those nightmares. I don't know if I can go alone, but I don't know that I can handle going with another.
Between kindergarten starting, being pregnant, and the five year anniversary of Allie's death looming close too, I'm a ball of emotions these days.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Baby Update
I had my 16 week appointment this afternoon. Everything looks great with the baby. I find out the sex in two weeks! EEK! Maggie and I are pretty convinced that it's a boy. Andrew thinks it's a girl. He says he knows no different since we've had two pretty little ladies already.
I'm feeling good. The nausea is getting better (another reason I think it's a boy--this is the earliest it has ever gone away) and I'm already gaining weight. Mainly, I'm tired. I feel like I could sleep ten hours a night and still need a nap during the day. I don't remember being this tired with my other two. Of course, even though this is my third pregnancy, it's my first one to go through with a child to be raising at the same time. And work full time at a busy stressful job. I worry about how I'll be with our very busy Fall schedule with Heroes for Children. I will just have to take it easy a bit.
I'm definitely more forgetful too. Last night, I was so relaxed and thankful to have a quiet night at home. Maggie and I went for a nice walk and visited the ducks in the pond by our house. It was a very easy night. Tonight, when Maggie starts singing a song she learned in her dance class, I realized OH CRAP! Yeah, she had dance last night. I totally forgot about it. It's her favorite thing of each week and I forgot. I LIVE by my calendar, checking it all day long to make sure I know what is coming up. And yet, I completely missed this. Oh yeah, it was on my calendar, in large letters and coded in green (I have a color coded Outlook calendar to help me stay organized). She doesn't realize she missed it, but I feel bad. My sweet girl.
Maggie is very excited about being a big sister. Tonight, we went to her happy place--Target. Specifically, the "New Target" by our house. She loves Target. We spent time walking through the baby section with her exclaiming at everything she saw, "Look, Mama!!! A CRIB for a BOY baby!" "Oh, so pretty, a stroller for a GIRL baby." We talked going up and down each aisle about what we will need for the baby. She picked out a blanket that she wanted to buy, but I wouldn't let her get it. Didn't think dark blue with trucks on it was a good purchase before we know if it's a boy or a girl. :) Each day, she rubs my belly and talks to the baby. Usually she says, "Hi baby, I'm going to be your big sister. I will kiss you!" It melts my heart every time.
Love my girl. Can't wait to meet this new little one I know I will love too.
I'm feeling good. The nausea is getting better (another reason I think it's a boy--this is the earliest it has ever gone away) and I'm already gaining weight. Mainly, I'm tired. I feel like I could sleep ten hours a night and still need a nap during the day. I don't remember being this tired with my other two. Of course, even though this is my third pregnancy, it's my first one to go through with a child to be raising at the same time. And work full time at a busy stressful job. I worry about how I'll be with our very busy Fall schedule with Heroes for Children. I will just have to take it easy a bit.
I'm definitely more forgetful too. Last night, I was so relaxed and thankful to have a quiet night at home. Maggie and I went for a nice walk and visited the ducks in the pond by our house. It was a very easy night. Tonight, when Maggie starts singing a song she learned in her dance class, I realized OH CRAP! Yeah, she had dance last night. I totally forgot about it. It's her favorite thing of each week and I forgot. I LIVE by my calendar, checking it all day long to make sure I know what is coming up. And yet, I completely missed this. Oh yeah, it was on my calendar, in large letters and coded in green (I have a color coded Outlook calendar to help me stay organized). She doesn't realize she missed it, but I feel bad. My sweet girl.
Maggie is very excited about being a big sister. Tonight, we went to her happy place--Target. Specifically, the "New Target" by our house. She loves Target. We spent time walking through the baby section with her exclaiming at everything she saw, "Look, Mama!!! A CRIB for a BOY baby!" "Oh, so pretty, a stroller for a GIRL baby." We talked going up and down each aisle about what we will need for the baby. She picked out a blanket that she wanted to buy, but I wouldn't let her get it. Didn't think dark blue with trucks on it was a good purchase before we know if it's a boy or a girl. :) Each day, she rubs my belly and talks to the baby. Usually she says, "Hi baby, I'm going to be your big sister. I will kiss you!" It melts my heart every time.
Love my girl. Can't wait to meet this new little one I know I will love too.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
For the Dallas Folk
Picture--Maggie and I from the 2007 5K (photo from Sugar Photography)Heroes for Children is gearing up for our busy fall season and kicking it off with honoring childhood cancer patients and families at the 5th Annual 5K Run/Walk at the Shops at Legacy!
The event is scheduled for Saturday, September 12th. Lots of things for you to do with your kids out at the event.
I can't believe it is our fifth event. I remember being pregnant with Maggie (and SO SICK that I had been vomiting so much that I was hospitalized the day before the event for hyperememsis). I love our 5K. I love that it is in September now (used to be in the Spring) during Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. This year, it is the day before Allie's fifth anniversary of our losing her to cancer. What a beautiful way to remember my sweet baby.
I hope if you are in the area you will consider joining us this year. If you aren't close enough to come and walk but you still want to be involved, consider making a $5 donation to celebrate five years. Donations can be made at http://www.active.com/donate/highfiveclub/jennyscott.
With lots of gratitude,
Jenny
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Back Home
I've been gone since July 10th. Left for camp and arrived for training on Saturday, July 11th. We spent a day and a half prepping for the kids and in volunteer orientation. Once again, it was another great year at camp. Our volunteers are amazing. We have a 75% return rate on our volunteers. It's a family. About a month before camp, a major countdown has started. Facebook statuses start reading things like "can't wait for camp." All this week, I've seen "I miss camp," or So-and-so "wants to go back to camp!" It's our favorite week of the week. I know it certainly is mine. Love me some camp.
Our Arts & Crafts projects once again centered around a woodworking project from the SunCity Woodworkers. They made footstools again this year, which were a huge hit with the kids. They even come out to camp to build with the kids, letting the kids use drills to assemble the project. By the end of the week, I was covered in tie dye from doing tie dye t-shirts with over eight of the twelve cabins. I still have some green tint in my cuticles! My hands were stained for days! I've got the Arts & Crafts area down now where things move very smoothly. It can be hectic in there with two cabin groups at a time, guests, media coming to film at times, and all the counselors too, but I love the organized chaos.
Our days start early at camp and end late. I was up by 7 and asleep around 12:30 or 1am every morning. I was tired, but I made it through. I did take a "Happy Nappy" on the Wednesday of that week because I hit a wall. Turned out not to be my best idea because I struggled to get myself out of the fog of a nap and back into the groove of working. By Friday morning, I was not feeling well and couldn't move. I skipped morning flagpole (where a counselor Alex Michael had his hair cut to donate to Locks of Love--he has been growing it out since after chemotherapy and I missed it!), missed breakfastand didn't get down to my area until five minutes before our first activity period. I just couldn't move. Luckily, I regained my energy, finished off the week in Arts & Crafts well, and enjoyed the end of camp.
As always, I was inspired by the kids at camp. They continually amaze me. It excites me to see the kids who were bald one summer and then return the next with hair and looking fantastic. It saddens me to see those that come back bald because they've relapsed during the year. I'm inspired by the kids who literally walk out of the hospital and on to the bus for camp. Those that have chemotherapy just days before camp and are sick but willing to participate in most activities. I love the kids that come back summer after summer and are living their lives to the fullest. I left camp inspired and full of love for all those that were there. I miss it already!
Andrew and Maggie met me in Austin on Saturday. The Posse family lakehouse trip was starting on Sunday. We went to stay at our family friend's lakehouse in Horsehoe Bay for the evening. I was so exhausted when we arrived (post camp exhaustion is killer, especially pregnant!), so they were so sweet and let me nap while going out on their boat with Andrew and Maggie. We had a great visit with Mary and her family, including her new puppy, 8 month old golden retriever Lola. Lola adored Maggie and followed her everywhere. It was so precious!
We met the other Posse families at the lakehouse Sunday night. By this point, I was beyond exhausted. Unfortunately, I was worthless that night. The kids were eager to have fun and enjoy our awesome pool. The adults, including my husband who drank more than usual and was apparently hilarious that night, were anxious to enjoy hanging out after the kids went to bed. I was anxious to go to sleep! Please remind me never to go to the lakehouse, or anywhere for that matter, the day after camp.
The kids were great. They played in the pool, on the Wii, on the patio and in the dirt. They went with the men (and a few of the moms who weren't napping) to shoot off rockets, and they slept curled up next to a friend. Maggie was joined at the hip with her sweet friend Maddy. At night, the two of them were head to head in the bed, often perpendicular to the bed. Sweet girls. We had a really nice time.
I'm back home from camp and the lakehouse and working from home today. Maggie and I are home together. She says she's working too--coloring and playing with her princesses. I missed my girl so much while I was gone at camp!
Our Arts & Crafts projects once again centered around a woodworking project from the SunCity Woodworkers. They made footstools again this year, which were a huge hit with the kids. They even come out to camp to build with the kids, letting the kids use drills to assemble the project. By the end of the week, I was covered in tie dye from doing tie dye t-shirts with over eight of the twelve cabins. I still have some green tint in my cuticles! My hands were stained for days! I've got the Arts & Crafts area down now where things move very smoothly. It can be hectic in there with two cabin groups at a time, guests, media coming to film at times, and all the counselors too, but I love the organized chaos.
Our days start early at camp and end late. I was up by 7 and asleep around 12:30 or 1am every morning. I was tired, but I made it through. I did take a "Happy Nappy" on the Wednesday of that week because I hit a wall. Turned out not to be my best idea because I struggled to get myself out of the fog of a nap and back into the groove of working. By Friday morning, I was not feeling well and couldn't move. I skipped morning flagpole (where a counselor Alex Michael had his hair cut to donate to Locks of Love--he has been growing it out since after chemotherapy and I missed it!), missed breakfastand didn't get down to my area until five minutes before our first activity period. I just couldn't move. Luckily, I regained my energy, finished off the week in Arts & Crafts well, and enjoyed the end of camp.
As always, I was inspired by the kids at camp. They continually amaze me. It excites me to see the kids who were bald one summer and then return the next with hair and looking fantastic. It saddens me to see those that come back bald because they've relapsed during the year. I'm inspired by the kids who literally walk out of the hospital and on to the bus for camp. Those that have chemotherapy just days before camp and are sick but willing to participate in most activities. I love the kids that come back summer after summer and are living their lives to the fullest. I left camp inspired and full of love for all those that were there. I miss it already!
Andrew and Maggie met me in Austin on Saturday. The Posse family lakehouse trip was starting on Sunday. We went to stay at our family friend's lakehouse in Horsehoe Bay for the evening. I was so exhausted when we arrived (post camp exhaustion is killer, especially pregnant!), so they were so sweet and let me nap while going out on their boat with Andrew and Maggie. We had a great visit with Mary and her family, including her new puppy, 8 month old golden retriever Lola. Lola adored Maggie and followed her everywhere. It was so precious!
We met the other Posse families at the lakehouse Sunday night. By this point, I was beyond exhausted. Unfortunately, I was worthless that night. The kids were eager to have fun and enjoy our awesome pool. The adults, including my husband who drank more than usual and was apparently hilarious that night, were anxious to enjoy hanging out after the kids went to bed. I was anxious to go to sleep! Please remind me never to go to the lakehouse, or anywhere for that matter, the day after camp.
The kids were great. They played in the pool, on the Wii, on the patio and in the dirt. They went with the men (and a few of the moms who weren't napping) to shoot off rockets, and they slept curled up next to a friend. Maggie was joined at the hip with her sweet friend Maddy. At night, the two of them were head to head in the bed, often perpendicular to the bed. Sweet girls. We had a really nice time.
I'm back home from camp and the lakehouse and working from home today. Maggie and I are home together. She says she's working too--coloring and playing with her princesses. I missed my girl so much while I was gone at camp!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Third baby--already showing at 11 weeks
My baby bump as of last night when the Posse went out to dinner (please ignore the big beer sign in the background LOL)
Saturday, July 4, 2009
When I'm a Big Sister
Recent declarations from Maggie:
When I'm a big sister.....
When I'm a big sister.....
- I will drive a car all by myself.
- I will love my baby and buy him clothes.
- I will swim by myself under water and not cry.
- I will cut my own hair.
- I will buy the baby toys so he won't play with mine.
- I will go to big sister school.
- I will change diapers.
- I will cut my own bread with a knife.
- I will eat all the candy I want.
- I will ride a bike all by myself.
Oh my.
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