I know how you feel, Katiebug

Home Stretch

Three and a half days.  Just three.and.a.half.days. 

If you think students count down until the end of the school year, triple it and you've got the teachers.  Semester exams are Tues--Fri morning next week.  We get out at 12:40 on Friday instead of our normal 3:30. 

Love my job.  Love my school.  Ready for a break!

Internal Struggle

You know, I really haven't been that angry towards A in a very long time.  I've tried my best to be friendly and respectful.  He's a terrific dad who is very involved with our kids.  That's the best I could ask for. He helps me when he can and he's fairly flexible with our ever changing busy schedule with the girls.   I try my best not to speak ill of him to others and not on this blog.  That's wrong and doesn't help move forward for anyone.  I've forgiven him for so much of what has happened in our marriage and divorce, just as I hope he's forgiven me. 

With all that said, I'm struggling with anger now.  A deep anger towards him that I am struggling to control. Boyfriend  and I have worked NONSTOP on this house for the past two weeks to get everything prepared.  To finally get me out of the mess that was left on me. We don't get weekends together.  Ever.  Our last one was mid-March and our next is mid-August.  We've been planning for months that we would have a low key weekend in his one bedroom apartment bachelor pad.  Nope.  We worked.  All weekend on the house.  I watched my boyfriend, who had just had a minor surgery on his arm and shoulder, pull out huge bushes in the front yard.  Poor guy even busted open his wound on his shoulder.  We've done so much work because we both KNOW this is the right decision.  We know that it will free up so much for me and make a huge difference in my life with the girls.  The equity will help me get out of my mini-van and get much lower vehicle payments.

There's the issue.  The equity.  I have to split it.  To say this angers me might be a bit of an understatement.  We have to do all this work and sacrifice the home I've had with my girls, and I have to give half the equity to the man that lived there three months.  Most of the equity comes from what we put into the house from the sale of our other though, so I get it.  I do.  It just pisses me off.  I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help but feel like I'm getting screwed over. 

I need to work through this anger because it does no one any good.  Last night, I couldn't even be the one that was there when A dropped off the kids.  I didn't want him anywhere near me or my home.  I took a shower and when I got out, they were being dropped off to .Boyfriend  I didn't come out until I knew A was gone.  Today, we have a parent conference for kindergarten and I'm already dreading seeing or talking to him.  Recital is this weekend.  I can't be filled with anger every time I see him.  Thing is, he doesn't even know I'm mad.  He probably will now that I've typed this because I have heard that my blog gets back to him even though he doesn't read it.

I'm working on it.  As my realtor recommends, I am trying to visualize the good that will come from this move.  Visualize how it will change our lives for the better and make a difference.  Visualize less bills, less work and upkeep on the home.  Less stress.  More free time, more money for other things such as activities and extras for the girls. 

I am SO happy in my life right now. I love my job, love my kids, and love the man I am sharing it all with.  There is so much on the horizon.  I just need to let go of this last bit of feeling towards A and move on.  I need to let go of the anger.

So much

There is SO much to write about.  Every topic deserves a blog dedicated to it.  I want to write about it all, but I just haven't found the time. 

For example, I want to tell you about sitting in the faculty meeting Thursday morning during Teacher Appreciation Week and hearing my name called as the Spirit of (Name of School) winner.  Two teachers were recognized in the school after all 1,300 students all nominated a teacher.  I'd love to share all the comments I had emailed to me.  Comments like this one--"This teacher  loves teaching  and cares about all of their students. They are both nice and fun. They really help the students understand more and pushes them in the right direction. By far, the best teacher at this school."

I need to write all about the difficult decision to put the house on the market and the mad dash to have everything prepped by next Monday.  It's been hours of discussion with me and  Boyfriend over what is best for me and the girls.  Looking at budgets, apartment hunting, meeting with the realtor, and of course, PACKING.  We have a massive to-do list and he is so wonderfully helping me with everything.  The house needs to be ready for the realtor to come in and do her magic with staging and photography by Tuesday the 22nd. 

Writing one paragraph about watching my dearest friend Tracey exchange vows Saturday night could never do it justice.  How I sat next to Boyfriend holding his hands and silently cried as I listened to them pledge their love.  How we partyed on a rooftop patio dancing and laughing with our kids and our closest friends.  How my heart felt as though it would burst when the last dance came and my   Boyfriend was dancing, eyes closed, holding Maggie tightly with her arms wrapped around him.  It was the best night and I'm thrilled for Tracey and her new wonderful family as they enter this new chapter of their lives. 

Mother's Day needs it's own post but probably isn't going to get one.  It wasn't the relaxing day of indulgence and spoiling for mama (though I did get to sleep in!).  It was six hours of working on the house and then play time at the park before dinner at a little restaurant just the four of us.  It was walking down the street to the restaurant with all four of us hand in hand.  For the first time in seven years, I didn't cry on Mother's Day.  This was a welcome change.

So, you see, there is SO MUCH to write about.  Give each one the best attention they deserve, but I can't.  This week is a golf tournament for Heroes for Children, major exams for all my French classes, and more house prep.  So, I'm not going to be able to write. 

I'm stressed.  I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed.

I've never been happier. 

The BEST

My Heart

Last night, Deanna met me and the girls at a random field in Plano for a photo session.  Our first as our little family of three.  We brought bubbles, hula hoops, costumes, and even Maggie's ballet recital outfit.  Katie was a bit jealous at the pretty "rina dress" and insisted she try it too.  The result?  Photography perfection. 

These girls are my everything.  My world and my heart.  To have them captured by Deanna's camera like this?  Couldn't be more thankful.  I keep staring at the photos and even texted a friend "I made them."  I have tears staring at my beautiful babies. 

Thank you so much, De!!  Anyone who is local and looking for portraits of their family this spring needs to check out http://www.devine-photography.com/.

Healing Power of Music

I've written before that I've found a connection to music more since my separation/divorce/singlemommyhood/dating times than ever before in my life.  I've appreciated lyrics and found solace in words.  I've connected with pain, hope, healing, and happiness more through songs.  Sometimes, I lie in bed and listen to songs in the dark.  I've wiped my tears while hitting replay on the same song for the third time.  I've cranked up a song to cheer me up and jump around the room a bit. 

So, while this is not a full list by any means, I thought I would give you an idea of some of the songs I've turned to for various reasons.  Please feel free to comment and give me more!


When there is still hope of a reconciliation and hope to repair--Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies

When the heart is newly broken and heartache is everything--Break Even by The Script

When the idea of the person you love possibly being with someone else hurts more than imaginable--White Blank Page by Mumford & Sons

When you just plain hurt--Everybody Hurts by REM

When you hurt but you need to remember it will get better--Better in Time by Leona Lewis

When you want the other (and yourself!) to know you'll be just fine on your own--Rolling in the Deep by Adele

When it's time to let the other person go and move on--Starting Now by Ingrid Michaelson

When the idea of love seems wrong and something you want to avoid to protect yourself--Bruised by Ben Folds

When its just time to dance and feel good--Rock and Roll by Eric Hutchinson

When you need to remember it always gets better in life--Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer

When you are cautiously approaching new love--Glass by Thompson Square

When you're feeling good about how far you've come and becoming independent and confident--Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine

When you're feeling optimistic about love and the future--Question by the Old 97s

When you know you've got something really great in new love--Follow Through by Gavin Degraw

When it's time to admit you're so far gone in love and want this person forever--Fine by Me by Andy Grammer

When you're happy, lucky in love and the second chance at happiness--The Luckiest by Ben Folds (our song)