Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010


It's been 10 weeks since Katie was born. She is growing and getting more and more wonderful each day. She is easy and sweet and constantly smiling. We're very lucky to have our girl. Maggie is thriving as a big sister! She continues to exceed every dream I had of her as a loving big sister to Katie.

As for me, I'm, well, not great. At first, I had some personal and professional stresses that I thought were contributing to the way I felt. But I've been working on those. And yet, I'm still, just....blah. I'm unhappy. Not about anything in particular. Just unhappy. Overwhelming & exhausting. I have little energy for much besides my girls. They are the one thing that brings my joy. Feel like I'm doing everything else very poorly--work, being a wife, being a friend, etc.

My head constantly feels like I'm in a fog.

I think it's time to call this more than just "baby blues." Shouldn't that have gone away by now? She's 10 weeks old. I didn't experience this with my other girls so I don't know. Shouldn't I be able to pull myself out of this like I have other times, including during my worst times of grief? I thought yes, but I can't seem to do it. I don't know how to make me better.

I have moments, hours, and even one or two days where I felt a little better. Thought it was getting better. But then, a stressor comes along and I crash. Normally, I can deal with things as they come. This weekend was the worst. Our family received some news last week that I'm not ready to share yet but it really rattled me. Everything will be fine, I know this with all my heart, but it was unsettling. Compounded with the fact that yesterday was my father's TENTH anniversary of his death and I was done. I spent Friday and Saturday in the worst fog I've had. Barely got out of bed. Foul funky mood. Yesterday was better. I spent the day with my mom, Andrew's mom, and my girls at the zoo. Maggie was so giddy with excitement that I couldn't help but to light up around her. However, I still found myself in that fog as I made my way through the zoo. I still feel that fog now as I sit at my desk working.

I don't know what to do next. I struggle with the idea of medication, even though I know many people do it and I have no problem with that. I worry about side effects (especially with Heroes and Handbags this Friday in Dallas and next Friday in Houston). But I'm tired of feeling this way.

I'm ready for the fog to lift and start feeling like me again.