Friday, January 13, 2012

Divorce Reality

Yesterday was A's birthday.  Mine is in 11 days. The first birthday we spent together was our 18th.  We dressed up--he wore a suit and I got my prom dress early--and went to a fancy dinner at The Mansion on Turtle Creek.  We were young and in love.  A and I spent every birthday from then on celebrating with a dinner or something with friends and family on MLK weekend in between the two dates. 

I have never had a birthday as an adult that didn't include Andrew Scott. 

And now, my birthday is in less than two weeks.  A was yesterday and Katie is the 23rd.  We have split our custody up.  He has them the weekend before up until Katie's birthday party with all of us.  I have them Katie's birthday and requested that I have them an extra night (they are usually with him on Tuesdays) for my birthday.  I have MM who will be with me at everything, including dressing up as Indiana Jones for the 80s Movie Themed party I'm throwing with my friend Chris. 

Yesterday, I ended up in bed at 8:30 crying.  I cried for about two hours off and on and didn't go to bed until well past 2.  It's not just the birthday.  There is a lot of other things going on that have occupied my thoughts.  I'm a zombie today. 

I've heard others say after divorce and finding someone new that they are thankful for the divorce because it led them to someone new.  I do not feel this way.  I'm thankful for Boyfriend.  I'm incredibly thankful for his presence in my life and I'm so happy with him.  However, I can't say I'm thankful for divorce.  I will not say that I am thankful that the family I loved changed and the man I cared so much for my entire adult life left me.  I miss A.  I miss our friendship.  I miss telling him things and him understanding because he's been apart of my life for so long.  I miss the history and the dream of the life I thought we would lead forever.

That is the harsh reality of divorce. 

Most days, I'm doing ok.  Most days I can find my happy within the crazy, hectic, fun life I have created in the last year.  There are those days, like yesterday, that are an earthquake in my life, shaking that happy.  Today, I'm feeling the aftershock.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.