Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Kindergarten

Monday is the first day of school in our school district. Moms around town are busily getting their kids ready for the back to school madness. On Facebook, moms are excitedly posting things like "I can't believe my baby is starting kindergarten!!"

My baby is not starting kindergarten.

Monday will be a tough day for me. If Allie had survived, she would be heading to school with the rest of the nervous group of kindergarteners. I would be standing with other mothers crying over where the years have gone and how we already have a child old enough to go off to elementary school. This has hit me hard in the last week. I've cried many times. I feel like I've been cheated on a major milestone for both my child and me, and I'm reminded that there are many, many more milestones I will not see with Allie.

I've contemplated going to her grave on Monday to bring her flowers. This is not an easy decision for me to make as I do not visit her grave. Both of our mothers do and bring her flowers when they can, but I have struggled with it. Both she and my father are two plots away from each other. So, if I go to face one, I have to face the other. That's tough. When I have been in the past, I have had nightmares of her death for weeks afterwards.

It's been four years since I've visited my daughter's grave.

Please understand that this is VERY personal for me and sharing this is not easy. I'm not particularly proud of my own cowardice in facing my daughter's grave. I feel guilty. I can't tell you how many times I've driven myself that direction, gotten close, and then pulled away. I want badly to go on Monday, but I am so very afraid to face those emotions and the fear of those nightmares. I don't know if I can go alone, but I don't know that I can handle going with another.

Between kindergarten starting, being pregnant, and the five year anniversary of Allie's death looming close too, I'm a ball of emotions these days.

58 comments:

Hilary said...

Bless your heart... I'll be thinking of you and especially on Monday. It isn't fair, is it?

One crazed mommy said...

Jenny - First off I want to say big hugs to you...I can't begin to imagine the feelings you must be facing at times like this. Secondly, don't feel like a coward for not being able to visit Allie's grave - for anyone who loses a loved one, each handles it in their own way. I lost my brother of 19 when I was 14...that was in 1988, and I have only been to visit his grave once...it's all I can handle. I can't even drive down the road where his accident was - it's hard. I would think that people out there have enough empathy to understand such things, but I know not everyone is. Do what you need to do, in your own terms! Again - big hugs to you...thinking of you next monday!!!
Jenn

Hannahsmama said...

Dear Jenny,

I have been one of those quite followers of yours since Allie was first diagnosed. I just had to tell you that you are not a coward, you bring so much honor to your daughter every single day with your work. She isn't really there at that grave Jenny, she is in your heart, in your husbands eyes, she is in her sister's smile, she is all around you. I have only been to my Dads grave twice in the past 20 years...I just don't feel that I need to go there to be close to him. You are loving Allie the best way you can, she doesn't need you to visit her grave, she needs you to live, laugh and love which is exactly what you are doing! You are one of my biggest inspirations Jenny!
Kia

Adrianne said...

Jenny, every emotion you are feeling is valid. You are not a coward, I cannot judge you for not visiting the gravesite because I am not in your shoes and neither can any other person who is also not in your shoes.

You have every right to feel cheated on Monday and you can scream, cry and throw things because it is unfair. You should be walking your baby to her first day of kindergarten and you are not. And it is so unfair and we just can't explain why things happen like they do. But without Allie and the plan that God had for her Hero's For Children would not have been born. And who knows where you would be today.

You are such a strong woman and I know just always you will come out on top! Love ya!

Ginny said...

Oh Jenny, you are not a coward. I can't begin to imagine the grief you continue to go thru. Nobody should criticize how you handle it, as they're not in your shoes. Your love for Allie definitely can't be questioned....you work everyday in her memory! She must be so incredibly proud of you. Big (((((hugs))))).

Kim M. said...

You are not a coward...the exact opposite actually! There is absolutely no right way to grieve. Some people find comfort in visiting a gravestie. I, like you, find this to be beyond difficult. In the almost 10 years since my Dad's death, I have visited his grave once, maybe twice. It is too difficult for me to face it like that and, honestly, I do not feel close to him there....
You are dealing with so much emotion right now...give yourself a pass in terms of feeling guilty. However you get through this is exactly how you, and only you, needed to handle it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Kylee said...

Thinking and praying for you and your family during this rough time. (((HUGS))

Kelly said...

Hi Jenny,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it must be very difficult and I'm crying for you just thinking about it. I don't blame you at all for not visiting her grave. The last thing Allie would want is for people to remember her by crying at her gravesite. The best thing you can do is remember her in your own way. Like another poster said, she lives on in your heart and you should grieve how and where it feels right to you. There's no cookie cutter for this.

Thinking about you!

Kelly

MISTY said...

Coward should not even be in the vocabulary of ways to describe you Jenny.... Inspirational, loving, caring, and hero....THOSE are the words that should be used to describe a person such as yourself.
My prayers are with you & Andrew daily as it is, but I will be lifting you up even more on Monday.

ViolinMama said...

Oh Jenny - your feelings are so valid. I can only imagine feeling the same way. Thank you for even sharing them here. You are so brave, good, and all your children have the BEST mother.

Thank you!

Nikki said...

Big hugs to you Jenny. That's really all that I can say because my heart aches for you.

Cynthia said...

You are so not a coward. You are entitled to grieve your child in any way you need to.

Praying for you.

Devine Memories Photography said...

You know if you want me to I will be there with you on Monday in a heartbeat. We all would. And you know I don't visit Emily's grave either. It's just too....I don't know. She's in heaven. She's not in there. That is just the shell she left behind and I don't want to be faced with it.
You honor Allie every. single. day. with the work with you do, with this blog, with the way you speak of her. I know this will be hard. Love you so much.

D

Karen said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I've been following your story since shortly after Allie was diagnosed. Please know that I think of you and your precious Allie often--in fact, I was just thinking about you a few minutes ago when I heard Green Day's Wake Me When September Ends on my way home. Hang in there. You ARE NOT a coward. I see you as an amazingly strong and inspirational woman.

The Nanny said...

Big hugs, Jenny. Love you and your sweet Allie for bringing us all (this huge community of people who love and adore you and your girl!) together.

Kara said...

Oh Jenny, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Never in a million years would I equate you with the word coward. The things you have done, the inspiration you give to so many people, the love you give to both of your babies plus the new one to come...coward, my god NEVER. Like Karen said I have been thinking of you and September coming...many good thoughts to you. If you want to go visit Allie's grave with a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell at- I would be honored to do that for you. My gosh Jenny you are a wonderful caring mother. You honor your ladies daily just being you.

onthego said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen said...

Jenny-
I think of you often especially at times like these, Allie and my oldest are only weeks apart. I have been following your story since the BabyCenter days and you have been such an inspiration for me and so many others. You are one of the strongest women I know (or read about...lol) and because of your story and work I am reminded daily to love a little stronger and hug a lot longer. I can only imagine how proud Allie is of you not too mention Andrew & Maggie. So go ahead and let those tears flow if need be and know there are many people in the Blogosphere supporting you during these tough times.

Much Love-
Jen

Firefly Photo Jewelry said...

Jenny-
I am one of those mom's that is sending my oldest to K on Fri. I have dreaded doing so. As hard it it is on me, your post was a great reminder for me to be thankful my daughter is on earth to go to K. My heart breaks for you. I pray you find the peace to visit her grave or the peace in being ok with not being able to go. Don't feel badly for not going. It's a stone. You visit Allie each and every time you remember her. She is in a place that she knows your love. Visit her spirit in your heart not where her earthly body rests.
{{{{{Hugs and prayers to you}}}}

Connie said...

Jenny I have followed your story since BabyCenter days. You are a strong person. You do so much for so many people. I toohave lost a baby and don't go to his gravesite. I trully understand the feeling and the nightmares. My son would be starting his sophmore year next week. I too feel very cheated. He would be getting his drives's permith this Dec. He passed very shortly after birth so I have no milestones with him. I am blessed, like you, to have a little Munchkin to have milestones with. Don't feel like you are a terrible person to not go to the gravesite. Ihave only been to Timmy's 3-4 times in 15 yrs since his funeral. But you know what, I have memories always with me that no piece of granite will give me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

bethsix said...

So sorry you're missing this milestone with your sweet girl. My second baby (of four, and the only girl) was born five months after Allie. I followed your story so closely from the beginning and always thought of my own sweet daughter. My little girl starts Kinder on Monday. I cannot IMAGINE your pain. Hug Maggie extra tight.

Sherry said...

Jenny, the circumstances are quite different, but I lost a baby in 2003. Please don't feel cowardly for not visiting the grave. Each person handles things their own way. In this case, I'm with you. I don't visit his grave. I pass it every morning on the way to work, but turning in? No, it just doesn't happen. People who haven't experienced such a loss may not understand it, but I guess they don't have to. {{hugs}}

Annie said...

Hi Jenny,
I always read but never post. I wanted to tell you that my mother died 2 years ago and I almost never go to her grave. It is a 10 minute drive and I just cannot bring myself to go. It's way too hard and you know what- she's not there anyway. Her body is somewhere under the ground but to me, it's just a stone and her name on it. It depresses the hell out of me to go each time, I relive her death, I cry all the way home, I have a headache for the rest of the day, etc. I am 100% sure my mom would not want me to do this if it makes me miserable. She never went to her own mom's grave and that's OK!

syaprods said...

All of these posts above me say it better than I ever could. Just know that you, Allie, Andrew and Maggie are forever in our hearts and we hope that you feel the support of us and many others during this difficult period.

xoxo

Suzanne

Holly said...

Jenny,

In the past couple weeks, I've been contemplating life and how God could allow a child to die. (A friend lost her 5 year-old son to a vicious brain tumor and though I mourned with you when Allie died, it is more difficult when your friend is someone you can see the pain on their face and hug them. At least it's a bit more difficult for me.)

While I do not want to diminish your grief in any way, in thinking of this and praying for my friend (and all families who lose a child), it occurred to me that as always, we look at these situations through our selfish human eyes. And that our own definition of what life should be like interferes with our ability to accept God's graces as fully as He wants to pour them out upon us. (Of course, this is easier for me to say, since I have not had a child that I had gotten to know and cuddle and kiss taken from me so seemingly unfairly. I do know a bit about grief, though, having miscarried 7 times - once at 20 weeks, after having felt my daughter move and hearing her heartbeat...)

You have done an amazing job of turning your grief into blessings for others through HFC. Please take it easy on yourself for doing what you felt necessary to protect your heart from further pain. Allie is not in that grave - and I think you know that, or you'd be there all day every day. One day, the pain will be manageable enough that you will visit without weeks of nightmares and you will go then.

Until then, I wish you peace and love and comfort - what a gift you've been given in your daughters and this new baby! That assurance that God answers prayers, not always in the way we want, but in a way that brings joy and peace nonetheless.

I am always sorry for your loss of precious Allie and continue to keep you and Andrew and your families in my prayers.

beckpartyof5 said...

Jenny - I truly can't imagine your pain. I have followed your story since Allie was diagnosed with cancer. Do not feel guilty about not visiting Allie's grave, she is not there. She is in your heart and memories. She touched SOO many people in her short life. I have a son that is just weeks younger then Allie. When I had my daughter almost two years ago, I named her Allie:-)

Hugs to you at this difficult time.

Jen

Susan said...

Just sending hugs and telling you that you are not alone. My son doesn't have a gravesite - because we knew we wouldn't want to visit. However we didn't know what to do with his ashes and ended up putting them in the cemetary after all. We do not go there. I have been there once in the 2 years they have been there. I have no plans to go back. He is not there.

My second oldest started second grade this week. My son died 2 weeks before second grade so she is officially passing his milestones...very hard..

I wish Allie was going to Kindergarten. It is just not fair.

Hugs

Minivan Mom said...

Hugs sweetie. I wish Allie was starting kinder with Lucy on Monday more than anything else in the world.

And re: the grave - I haven't been to my Dad's grave since we buried him (and not just because now I live across the country...he was dead for 7 years before we moved). No guilt or shame in that - the grave is not where he, or sweet Allie, is.

Love you.

Katherine said...

I've read your blog for a long time but I rarely comment. You are so NOT a coward. You remember and honor Allie in so many ways. Wherever she is now, I'm sure she is very proud of her brave Mama. Telling her story to strangers in the hopes of helping others takes courage. Having more children and loving them takes courage. On Monday maybe you should do whatever it is that makes you feel closest to her in a happy way. You don't deserve weeks of nightmares.

snekcip said...

Jenny I have followed your blog since Allie's illness and I have to agree w/the other bloggers, YOU ARE NOT A COWARD! You are a wonderful mom, who shared a precious angel with so many of us. I can't say I know how you feel, but pls know that your beautiful family are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather said...

Sending you the biggest of hugs during this tough time. Allie is in your heart and you don't need to go anywhere to be with her and that certainly does not make you a coward.

The Bipolar Spouse said...

Jenny! No one can tell you how to grieve your daughter. You have to feel and live your own life and I sincerly hope no one says or does anything but be supportive.

You have been cheated! Allie SHOULD be here, she should have a backpack stuffed with school stuff! And its not fair, it will never be fair!

Death, especially that of a child shatters you to the core, its not something you ever 'get over' it never gets easier, it never goes away....

This reply isn't 'helpful' no one can tell you to go or not to go to her grave site!! You have to do what moves you at that moment! She knows you love her!!

all i need is the white picket fence said...

You are sooo sooo brave. Coward-NEVER!!!! You just do what you have to do. You have been inspiring me and soooo many others for years now. I am so sorry that you are getting cheated out on that experience with your beautiful girl. It is so darn unfair and my heart aches for you. We lost out niece to AML M5 3 weeks ago after a 3.5 yr battle. Your loss helped me help my SIL get through the initial diagnosis and I was armed with info to provide her with. I hate cancer and I hate what it steals from families. Just know you are in my thoughts !

Robin said...

You are definitely not a coward. I'm very sorry you are struggling and this must be a very difficult time. All the best and big hugs.

sassyNoz said...

Jenny,
In many many ways I do know what you are going through. I can't explain everything right now.. but I also have a 5 yr old who should be going off to typical kindergarten something happened when she was 3 that changed all that and turned that little girl I had into a totally different child. Life is so hard for her and us. I still have a child and I will always be thankful for that. I don't have the same one, not sure I ever will. These milestones are so so very hard. Nothing is ever going to be typical for me again. Its hard to see kids her age and see them doing all the things my baby should. Its nothing like your what you are living with never will be. I can only imagine. I was on babycenter site with you way back when we chatted often we both had Dec babies. So I've followed you for what 6 yrs now. My oldest daughter now 18 also learned so much about life in general just from Allie's story. 3 weeks ago out of the blue my dad died he was only in his 50's not expected(was dx with cancer 2 mos before but everything had shrunk they said he would be ok).autopsy showed in that one week from all clear to death it totally filled him up and took over guess treatment did nothing..) and we are all still grieving so much from that. hard to accept understand ect.. but you know all about that. So I understand the problem with the grave.. I have gone but for me going there is peaceful and I feel better but for some in the family they can't so you have to do what feels right for YOU. Allie girl knows your deep love for her you have changed your life because of her. You can never ever feel like you are failing her. But I do get what your saying.. I feel like I'm failing mine daily and its overwelming right now. I lost your e-mail so I haven't been in contact like I used to but I still follow you. Can't wait to hear about the new baby and boy or girl.. I'm seeing girl lol. I'm always wrong though :)

Julie said...

Milestones are always the hardest for me. My Taylor would have been 10 last year and those double digits hit me really hard. This year she would be heading off to middle school which is hitting my husband very hard. It doesn't really get easier and you never know which milestones will affect you, but you get through it and learn to keep living. Prenancy hormones never help! Prolly why the big 1-0 hit me so hard last year.

And I completely understand about visiting the gravesite too. I think it's normal.... or if not, at least know that you're not alone! :) I have only mustered up the energy to visit Taylor's site 5 times in 11 years. My husband visits frequently, it's conforting for him, but it just emotionally drains me even still. I rarely visit my father's grave also for the same reason. So, just know you are definitely not a coward, or if you are there are other cowards like me out there too who totally understand! :)

Carrie Darney said...

You are not a coward at all! I believe that someone that has passed on is all around us and you don't have to go visit a grave to be "near" them. You speak of her often, you remember the good times, and you love her very much. Going somewhere that makes you even more upset is not good to anyone...it's hard for me to try to say what I am trying to say...I haven't been where you are.

Just know that you are not a coward and actually alot of us think you are a very strong woman, doting Mom, and loving Wife!!

Carrie

Suzanne said...

My dear sweet friend - Milestones are so hard to journey through. My Hannah would have been 10 last November and it hit me very unexpectantly hard. I will be praying for you on Monday. Do whatever you need to do that day...no one can judge you or tell you how to behave or feel on Monday. Your precious Allie is present every time you hand a teenager a laptop, every time you write a check for assistance, every time HFC brings hope and joy to a family battling childhood cancer. Allie's presence is in you. Much love and hugs to you.

Suzanne (Philip's mom)

Sassy Sarah said...

Thinking of you during this difficult time.

Hope the love of your family and friends will see you through this.

HollyH said...

Jenny, can't say anything that hasn't already been said here. You are a HERO. Period. Allie is with you and all of us every single day. I hope you know how much your friends and followers love you! ♥♥♥♥♥

Melody said...

Jenny,

I am a silent lurker from Pa. and have been following your story for awhile. I hope I don't offend you, but can I make a suggestion? I know you honor Allie everyday with your work for HFC, but what if you did something special with Maggie and Andrew to honor what would be Allie's 1st day of kind.? Maybe, drop off school supplies for a low income family or school or something similiar. I am so sorry. Sending warm thoughts.

Mel

mama2one said...

You should go and visit Sophie. Allie would like that. ;o)

Thinking of you.

Auntie Mip said...

You are far too hard on yourself Jenny. There is no judgement here in this place where you share your most vulnerable self. My sweet big brother died in 1968...my mommy stil aches for each ane every memory she never got to make. It doesn't hurt as much any more...it just doesn't entirely go away!

You are thought of today and alwys!

Jessica said...

Jenny, I saw you walking in the freezing rain/snow last winter. I have followed your Journey for 5.5 years now, since the "beginning". I have seen you do so many amazing things that have all been inspired by Allie's passing.

Grieve however you damn well please because it's your right. And it *isn't* fair that you aren't dropping her off at K this year. It just isnt.

Hugs to you, Andrew, Maggie and your little bean. And when I *do* get to drop off my son at Kindergarten on Monday, I promise to send a special prayer up to Allie to take care of you. It's gonna be a hard day, momma. (((hugs)))

Deb said...

Dear Jenny - I am so sorry. You are not a coward at all. It's no one's place to judge.

I have a daughter going to kindergarten next week and have followed Allie's story from so far back. My heart is aching for you...I can understand (well no, I can't understand) but your anger and pain are so, so justified.

I think of Allie often, and this year I am thinking of another dear child lost to cancer, almost the same date as Allie, last year. I had interviewed her for a video about kids facing cancer and a year later she was gone. My hearts and prayers are truly going out to all of you during this tough time.

Nia said...

Jenny, there is only a physical part of Allie in that grave. All the rest of her is with you every day. She is with you at your office in the amazing charity you created. She is with all the families you help. She is in Maggie's soul and heart, and she is in the new baby. You don't have to go anywhere to be loyal to her, to love her more, or to know what a big hole she left behind. Of course that hole gets bigger as time goes by and she isn't here to share or enjoy the events that her peers are having. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings in such a genuine way. You are teaching all of us about the evolution of grief in the midst of life.

Karin L said...

I read often, but post rarely. Once again, you have taught me a very important life lesson....this isn't the first!! Thank you for opening up your life and heart to "strangers". We are better people because of you. Try to take it easy on yourself...you are a wonderful mother to all THREE of your sweet children. Everyone who has posted is right....Allie's in your heart and in your work and in your soul....just where she should be. The fact that Maggie knows Allie the way she does is testament to your love for her and your honor of her memory. She's not closed off in some previous part of your life. She's all around and shared with everyone and a part of your family.

I know all of that is no consolation for the fact that she's not here with you. I wish any of us could change that. Just be easy on yourself and proud of yourself and your family for the honor you give Allie every day. You deserve that!

Nikk said...

My heart is breaking for you. I have been a faithful "lurker" since the babycenter days, as my daughter is 3 months younger than Allie. Please don't think you are a coward. You are one of the bravest people I have encountered. Sharing your experiences, and living a life that honors Allie and her memory every day. You wear the fact that she changed your world on your sleeve, and use that as a motivation to help others. As far as visiting her grave, she would not want you to do something that causes you pain or nightmeres. Honor her in a way that allows you to remember the light she brought to the world, not in a way that takes you into the dark. I will be thinking of you, and hoping that whatever your decision is Monday, you feel at peace with it.
Nikky

Tammy said...

Big hugs Jenny, not judging you in anyway, I have the same feelings visiting my Moms's! I will be thinking about you on Monday! Bitter sweet day Sept. 13, was my Mom's b-day and the same day Allie was finally free of all her pain! Hugs from Fort Worth!

TPPmommyof3 said...

It is a funny thing we do... go and cry and talk to our loved ones' graves. I guess it just gives us a place to get it out. However, Allie isn't there anymore. Allie is in you and Andrew and Maggie and Brandy. Allie is hanging out with your new little one in a way no one else can yet. Allie is sitting in her grandpa's lap and flying free with her beautiful wings. She isn't at the cemetary.

There is no right way to grieve.

However, if there was... honey, youre doing it! While it may help some people, there is nothing good that comes out of crying at a cemetary other then personal healing. The way you memorialize and grieve Allie is helping people every single day. You are taking your sadness and grief and turning it into sooooo much good.

Coward?? Absolutely not. I have only read about her but I think if Allie were here she would use the word Brave. To hurt so badly and still find it in yourself to reach out and help someone else?? That is Brave.

Also, If being at her grave makes you sad and gives you nightmares... why would she want you to go there? Allie wouldn't want her mama to hurt. If you want to take her flowers, buy some pretty flowers and set them near a favorite picture of her in your home. She will know you are doing it for her.

Be good to yourself. I think you are just remarkable.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Grief is very unique, very personal. You should not feel any guilt for not visiting Allies grave. I do appreciate you being brave enough to share something so personal.


I think to allow yourself to grieve in a way that is right for YOU is brave indeed.

Maybe you can buy a backpack that you know Allie would have loved. You can fill it with the funnest school supplies and donate it to a school with students in need.

You will find a way to mark the day that is right for you. Something that feels right and maybe brings a small amount of comfort.

But you are right, you have been cheated out of a major milestone. I think it is important to allow yourself to cry over that, allow yourself to be angry over that. Allow yourself to have a bad Monday over it.

Pamela said...

Jenny, you have to realize what you are able to do, and what you aren't able to do. I lost my son last October; he was 39 years old, but my heart is as ripped and battered as yours is over losing your Allie. I have friends who I haven't talked to since October, because I simply am not at the point of saying "he died"; my daughter (45) called another couple of friends and told them, to ease my burden. I can talk about him for a very few minutes, then I have to crawl back into my little "box".

I know I am a very strong woman. I am "the man" of our extended family. But I have to know where my boundaries are, and stay within them. I have followed you most of the way through your journey, and you are a very, very strong woman,. But even strong women can have weak knees.

Hang in there

Pam Lurie

timi68 said...

Dear Jenny,
I can't even begin to imagine the emotions you're going through right now. I've been a faithful follower of your blog since day 1 of the "scotthousehold" (and I still have it bookmarked cause I love to go back and read your beautiful words and see pics of your chunky monkey!) I too have a 5 yr old daughter starting kindergarten soon. When Allie became an angel in Sept of 2004, by older daughter was starting kindergarten and let me tell you, I'll never forget her sitting on my bed, me, braiding her hair and the tears just coming down my face like rivers. WHY? cause all I kept thinking of was that you would never do that with Allie. I still cry for her and I will never forget that day that you posted that "all medications have been stopped" that stopped my heart from beating cause what was happening was inevitable. I was out shopping with my kids that day and I had to hide behind the racks cause I couldn't stop crying. If Allie had such an impact on my life, I can only imagine what she did to yours. You are the STRONGEST woman I know and you are NOT a coward! Allie knows how much you have done for her and how much you love her. You see her smile in Maggie's smile. You see her eyes when you look at Andrew. She is there with you every day, and you don't need to go to her grave for her to know that! My mil passed away last year (i loved her like my own mother) but I honestly have been to her grave maybe 3 times! She's in Heaven with all the other angels. I talk to her when I look at all her pictures. She knows how much I love her and so does Allie.
I'll be thinking of you this Monday. Maybe you can send some balloons to Allie cause you know she'll be going to kindergarten in Heaven! Sending you lots of hugs...and hoping Maggie gets to see her baby brother next week! If Allie has anything to do with it, you know it'll be boy!
xoxoxoxoxo
Timi Tikos

Donna said...

I don't see it as cowardly at all! All that is good about Allie lives on every day at HFC and in you and Andrew. I have visited the actual grave of my favorite grandfather exactly twice. The day he was buried and one other. I don't need to be at his grave to remember what I love about him. I remember him every time I see the weather on the news (he was a hard core meteorology buff and took weather readings for the local TV station), every time I see a license plate with Ham Radio call letters (his were WB0STB), and every time I eat a Jonathan apple (he had apple trees in his back yard). Nobody has any right to tell you how you should remember your daughter. Whatever way you choose to do it will always be the right way.

Tracy said...

Jenny, I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle with this decision.
Tracy

M. Spence said...

I can't imagine how hard it was for you to post these personal feelings. I'm so sorry Allie is not here today to start Kindergarten this week. I was on Babycenters Dec 2003 babies group with you, and I will always remember sweet Allie. She actually popped in my mind for some reason today while I drove away from dropping off Madeline at her Kindergarten classroom. Sounds like you've got a great family and group of friends to surround you during these tough times.

Angela said...

You honor Allie every. single. day. with the work with you do, with this blog, with the way you speak of her.

This^^ is so true. I don't think I've commented on your blog before but my heart is breaking for you. Please do not feel guilty. In my opinion, grave sites are for the living... if it does not help you, do not go. If you do not feel any closer to her, do not put your self through it. Remember her in whatever way gives YOU peace.
Congrats on your newest baby girl, btw!

Adryan's Jungle Room said...

Dear, dear, Jenny.

After all these years, I still come back to your site to see what's going on with the Marvelous Scott family. I am so proud of you and Andrew and your growing family that mere words are not enough.

I cannot believe it has been 5 years! Baby Allie's ribbon still hangs on my refrigerator and I think of you all often.

I just wanted to note that it does NOT make you a coward for not wanting to go to her grave. It is a very DEFINITE and PERMANENT place to be which can haunt some people. Please don't feel guilty at all. I know my telling you that doesn't make it easier to do, but you should know that it's OK.

Even after all these years, you still have the ability to bring me to tears with your words. Andrew's letter was heartfelt and gorgeous and I know Allie would be making you all proud if she were here. I know she's so proud of you, Maggie, Andrew, and soon, Katie. Congratulations on that, by the way. I'm so glad that you have your wonderful girls to help you see the beauty in life.

God bless you all, forever.
Amanda, Arizona