Monday is the first day of school in our school district. Moms around town are busily getting their kids ready for the back to school madness. On Facebook, moms are excitedly posting things like "I can't believe my baby is starting kindergarten!!"
My baby is not starting kindergarten.
Monday will be a tough day for me. If Allie had survived, she would be heading to school with the rest of the nervous group of kindergarteners. I would be standing with other mothers crying over where the years have gone and how we already have a child old enough to go off to elementary school. This has hit me hard in the last week. I've cried many times. I feel like I've been cheated on a major milestone for both my child and me, and I'm reminded that there are many, many more milestones I will not see with Allie.
I've contemplated going to her grave on Monday to bring her flowers. This is not an easy decision for me to make as I do not visit her grave. Both of our mothers do and bring her flowers when they can, but I have struggled with it. Both she and my father are two plots away from each other. So, if I go to face one, I have to face the other. That's tough. When I have been in the past, I have had nightmares of her death for weeks afterwards.
It's been four years since I've visited my daughter's grave.
Please understand that this is VERY personal for me and sharing this is not easy. I'm not particularly proud of my own cowardice in facing my daughter's grave. I feel guilty. I can't tell you how many times I've driven myself that direction, gotten close, and then pulled away. I want badly to go on Monday, but I am so very afraid to face those emotions and the fear of those nightmares. I don't know if I can go alone, but I don't know that I can handle going with another.
Between kindergarten starting, being pregnant, and the five year anniversary of Allie's death looming close too, I'm a ball of emotions these days.