Just as I have with my other two pregnancies, I have once again become addicted to Babycenter and my birth board. I read daily what other moms due January 2010 write about---their questions, experiences, and advice. Most of them are FTM (First Time Moms) asking questions. Many are still so green about this thing called motherhood and what's in store for them. There are many posts requesting help from the "BTDT moms" (Been There, Done That).
That's me. This is my third pregnancy. My third time to go full term with heartburn, morning sickness (yes, without the medicine, I still get it. With it, well, I've gained 39 lbs so it works!), and experience labor. I've held two new babies in my arms. I've cried looking at my daughters and feeling my heart swell to a size I never thought imaginable. I've watched two babies grow.
But I've never had two at the same time.
I had one beautiful angel first. She was perfect. Everything about her was incredible. I loved her from the second I saw her chubby little cheeks. I lost her. Cancer stole her from me and I miss her more than I can ever describe.
Then I had my second beautiful little girl. She came out a spit fire. She was a screaming mess, and Andrew and I laughed and realized we were in for a wild ride. She's our funny girl, always surprising us and keeping us on our toes. I love her more and more each day and I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be her mom.
And now, I'm three weeks away (or less) from having what I know to be my next beautiful girl. I don't know what she will be like. I don't know if she will be a "chubalub" or a "tiny peanut" (as we described Allie and Maggie). I don't know if she will have the same blue eyes as her sisters, inherited from their father. I know I will love her as much as I do her sisters.
But what scares me most right now? While I've had two children, I've never had two at the same time. I've not had to juggle my love for my children or make sure I'm giving each child my attention. While I can answer the questions for the BTDT moms on Babycenter about my experiences of child birth, I have nothing to offer about what life with more than one is like. Even though this is my third child.
I was asked early on in this pregnancy by someone if I was going to have another so that I would actually have three. Thing is, then I would have four. I will always be one short. I am not wanting to chase after the child I no longer have. She will always be my daughter. I will love her until the day she dies. I plan to raise the two girls I have here and love them as much as possible and forever love the child I am without. That's the best I can do.
But first, I need to have this little girl. We're anxiously awaiting her arrival and this new experience in our lives. Two kids at one time? Haven't been there, done that, but I'm looking forward to trying.