Yesterday was A's birthday. Mine is in 11 days. The first birthday we spent together was our 18th. We dressed up--he wore a suit and I got my prom dress early--and went to a fancy dinner at The Mansion on Turtle Creek. We were young and in love. A and I spent every birthday from then on celebrating with a dinner or something with friends and family on MLK weekend in between the two dates.
I have never had a birthday as an adult that didn't include Andrew Scott.
And now, my birthday is in less than two weeks. A was yesterday and Katie is the 23rd. We have split our custody up. He has them the weekend before up until Katie's birthday party with all of us. I have them Katie's birthday and requested that I have them an extra night (they are usually with him on Tuesdays) for my birthday. I have MM who will be with me at everything, including dressing up as Indiana Jones for the 80s Movie Themed party I'm throwing with my friend Chris.
Yesterday, I ended up in bed at 8:30 crying. I cried for about two hours off and on and didn't go to bed until well past 2. It's not just the birthday. There is a lot of other things going on that have occupied my thoughts. I'm a zombie today.
I've heard others say after divorce and finding someone new that they are thankful for the divorce because it led them to someone new. I do not feel this way. I'm thankful for Boyfriend. I'm incredibly thankful for his presence in my life and I'm so happy with him. However, I can't say I'm thankful for divorce. I will not say that I am thankful that the family I loved changed and the man I cared so much for my entire adult life left me. I miss A. I miss our friendship. I miss telling him things and him understanding because he's been apart of my life for so long. I miss the history and the dream of the life I thought we would lead forever.
That is the harsh reality of divorce.
Most days, I'm doing ok. Most days I can find my happy within the crazy, hectic, fun life I have created in the last year. There are those days, like yesterday, that are an earthquake in my life, shaking that happy. Today, I'm feeling the aftershock. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
21 comments:
My hearts hurts for you. Stay strong!
Sending my Love to you!
Karen
It is a loss, for sure. And so it's totally natural to grieve that loss.
I do feel though, that if A wasn't invested in your marriage the way you wanted him to be, you now have much more to GAIN than you would have in your marriage.
Hoping your birthday ends up filled with lots of happiness and fun!
You're mourning the loss of what you had and what you thought you had. So normal.
Hugs
Much, much love and comfort to you. Lots of love, hugs, and prayers.
heather
Hugs jenny! It took me several years to feel better about my divorce and 8 years after the separation I still feel embarrassed that I got divorced. I love my husband now an love the life I had but I dreamt of marrying one man for my whole life and I'm still disappointed that I don't get to experience that.
And Love the life I have *
It is totally natural to mourn the loss of that dream and that person as well as the affection you rightly assumed he would always hold for you. I still miss Stewart sometimes and we have been apart 10 years. I mourn, like jrobinson above, the dream of one man, one woman for as long as we both shall live. I love Joe (we married two years ago), but I even grieve that he and I will never have children together. It isn't the life I dreamed of as a kid. Honestly, it is a better life now than what I dreamed of. But I still regret the dream ending.
I hope you find peace, joy and grace where you least expect it as your birthday approaches. :hug:
hugs, jenny. you are doing great and of course you are mourning. but at least you are letting yourself do it - a testament to the tremendous amount of work you've done in learning to honor yourself and your feelings. xo
I'm sorry that you had such a hard day Jenny. You won't ever forget the life you had with Andrew. There will always be days that the memories are hard. My Grandson Mason was born on the same day that Katie was born. He will be 2 on the 23rd...I hope you have fun at your party.
Know what you mean, totally. Hang in there...
This reminds me of something a friend shared with me about ending a marriage, "we don't necessarily mourn what was, we mourn what could have been." Hang in there. You've been through more in your young years than many endure in a lifetime but I know for a fact that you're way too strong and determined to let this define you! Have a great weekend :)
I'm so sorry you're hurting! You're in my prayers...as you've been since I found your story so many years ago.
I am so sorry. May you find peace in your day.
I have followed your life since the first Allie article in the newspaper. I am going through a divorce right now and know exactly how you feel. Thursday was my meltdown day. I hope you have more better days than bad days.
Your honesty is beautiful. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
You have opened my eyes to a lot of things I hadn't thought of before.
My heart aches for you, and rejoices with you.
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. As someone who has been through the pain of divorce I can relate on that level.
Hugs to you!
((((HUGS))))
- Laura
jenny ive followed u are a long time and sent u messages but havent heard back from u...i am married to a military man and was married for 13 yrs to a military man prior to now and i know how u feel i have cried ive bawled please know im here
I know exactly how you feel. I was married to my ex for 7 1/2 years and we even got back together for 2 years after the divorce and it didn't work out. Even though I'm married again, I still miss the friendship I had with my first husband. He was there for things that only if something comes up, he would understand. If something funny happens I wanna call him and tell him about it. If something good happens I wanna call him too. It's hard knowing that it's all gone. I am thankful for my new husband and what he has to offer me but I do mourn the first marriage and the friendship I had with him. I am thankful for what I have these days but never in a million years did I think I'd be where I'm at today. When I said I do back 12 years ago, I thought that was the man I would be with forever, well life has proved me wrong. I do believe everything happens for a reason and am completely happy with my life now.
Strangest of strange events led me here this evening and I needed it more than I can say.
I've been lightly following your blog since just before Allie passed. I think about you and your family every now and then but only really come to read once a year or less. My husband and I decided on divorce last week after 16.5 years together, 12.5 years of marriage, and 2 kids. We've known each other since we were 9, and been together seriously since we were 15. August 2011 marked the point where we had spent more of our lives together than not.
I decided last night that I wanted to get some pictures off of some old Zip disks I had but no longer had the drive for (it broke years ago). So I posted on Facebook asking if I could borrow one, a friend offered one, I picked it up today, went to storage, got my disks, came home, pulled the info off and I discovered my old internet bookmarks from 2006. I just sat down to look through them and found your blog link so I came to see how your two beautiful little girls were doing. Imagine how amazed I was to read of all the changes in your life that are so similar to what I am about to go through...
I needed to read of your struggles tonight because I've been very wrapped up in my thoughts of "but who AM I without him?!?" So thank you for sharing your experiences. I see a little bit of light now, knowing that I'll survive this and figure it out little by little.
Much love to you all.
Everything will be all right -- just stay strong and be positive. I know that it’s never easy to move on. But if you exert an effort while not forcing yourself, you will recover faster. Focus and keep in mind that past is past. Live for the present and be excited for the future!
-Janay Stiles
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