You know, I really haven't been that angry towards A in a very long time. I've tried my best to be friendly and respectful. He's a terrific dad who is very involved with our kids. That's the best I could ask for. He helps me when he can and he's fairly flexible with our ever changing busy schedule with the girls. I try my best not to speak ill of him to others and not on this blog. That's wrong and doesn't help move forward for anyone. I've forgiven him for so much of what has happened in our marriage and divorce, just as I hope he's forgiven me.
With all that said, I'm struggling with anger now. A deep anger towards him that I am struggling to control. Boyfriend and I have worked NONSTOP on this house for the past two weeks to get everything prepared. To finally get me out of the mess that was left on me. We don't get weekends together. Ever. Our last one was mid-March and our next is mid-August. We've been planning for months that we would have a low key weekend in his one bedroom apartment bachelor pad. Nope. We worked. All weekend on the house. I watched my boyfriend, who had just had a minor surgery on his arm and shoulder, pull out huge bushes in the front yard. Poor guy even busted open his wound on his shoulder. We've done so much work because we both KNOW this is the right decision. We know that it will free up so much for me and make a huge difference in my life with the girls. The equity will help me get out of my mini-van and get much lower vehicle payments.
There's the issue. The equity. I have to split it. To say this angers me might be a bit of an understatement. We have to do all this work and sacrifice the home I've had with my girls, and I have to give half the equity to the man that lived there three months. Most of the equity comes from what we put into the house from the sale of our other though, so I get it. I do. It just pisses me off. I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help but feel like I'm getting screwed over.
I need to work through this anger because it does no one any good. Last night, I couldn't even be the one that was there when A dropped off the kids. I didn't want him anywhere near me or my home. I took a shower and when I got out, they were being dropped off to .Boyfriend I didn't come out until I knew A was gone. Today, we have a parent conference for kindergarten and I'm already dreading seeing or talking to him. Recital is this weekend. I can't be filled with anger every time I see him. Thing is, he doesn't even know I'm mad. He probably will now that I've typed this because I have heard that my blog gets back to him even though he doesn't read it.
I'm working on it. As my realtor recommends, I am trying to visualize the good that will come from this move. Visualize how it will change our lives for the better and make a difference. Visualize less bills, less work and upkeep on the home. Less stress. More free time, more money for other things such as activities and extras for the girls.
I am SO happy in my life right now. I love my job, love my kids, and love the man I am sharing it all with. There is so much on the horizon. I just need to let go of this last bit of feeling towards A and move on. I need to let go of the anger.