Monday, May 21, 2012

Internal Struggle

You know, I really haven't been that angry towards A in a very long time.  I've tried my best to be friendly and respectful.  He's a terrific dad who is very involved with our kids.  That's the best I could ask for. He helps me when he can and he's fairly flexible with our ever changing busy schedule with the girls.   I try my best not to speak ill of him to others and not on this blog.  That's wrong and doesn't help move forward for anyone.  I've forgiven him for so much of what has happened in our marriage and divorce, just as I hope he's forgiven me. 

With all that said, I'm struggling with anger now.  A deep anger towards him that I am struggling to control. Boyfriend  and I have worked NONSTOP on this house for the past two weeks to get everything prepared.  To finally get me out of the mess that was left on me. We don't get weekends together.  Ever.  Our last one was mid-March and our next is mid-August.  We've been planning for months that we would have a low key weekend in his one bedroom apartment bachelor pad.  Nope.  We worked.  All weekend on the house.  I watched my boyfriend, who had just had a minor surgery on his arm and shoulder, pull out huge bushes in the front yard.  Poor guy even busted open his wound on his shoulder.  We've done so much work because we both KNOW this is the right decision.  We know that it will free up so much for me and make a huge difference in my life with the girls.  The equity will help me get out of my mini-van and get much lower vehicle payments.

There's the issue.  The equity.  I have to split it.  To say this angers me might be a bit of an understatement.  We have to do all this work and sacrifice the home I've had with my girls, and I have to give half the equity to the man that lived there three months.  Most of the equity comes from what we put into the house from the sale of our other though, so I get it.  I do.  It just pisses me off.  I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help but feel like I'm getting screwed over. 

I need to work through this anger because it does no one any good.  Last night, I couldn't even be the one that was there when A dropped off the kids.  I didn't want him anywhere near me or my home.  I took a shower and when I got out, they were being dropped off to .Boyfriend  I didn't come out until I knew A was gone.  Today, we have a parent conference for kindergarten and I'm already dreading seeing or talking to him.  Recital is this weekend.  I can't be filled with anger every time I see him.  Thing is, he doesn't even know I'm mad.  He probably will now that I've typed this because I have heard that my blog gets back to him even though he doesn't read it.

I'm working on it.  As my realtor recommends, I am trying to visualize the good that will come from this move.  Visualize how it will change our lives for the better and make a difference.  Visualize less bills, less work and upkeep on the home.  Less stress.  More free time, more money for other things such as activities and extras for the girls. 

I am SO happy in my life right now. I love my job, love my kids, and love the man I am sharing it all with.  There is so much on the horizon.  I just need to let go of this last bit of feeling towards A and move on.  I need to let go of the anger.

15 comments:

Kristin said...

You will let go of the anger. Focus on your future and the new place you'll be going with the girls. This place will be YOURS. There will be NO memories of A in the house. NONE! It'll take some time (I was in your position), but once it's done, you'll feel so much better.
Good Luck! The steps can be scary, but you'll look back and feel so satisfied with everything you accomplished!

Allison said...

My parents separated when I was 9. The deal they come up with, was that we would live with my Dad in the house until it would be sold when I was 18. So for 9 years my Dad struggled to keep that house and pay that mortgage. And I mean struggled. Unemployed at times, but he always paid it. When I turned 18 my parents sold the house, and my Mom got half of the profits. I never thought that was fair, and still don't. He made very payment, she didn't do a damn thing to pay for that house.

But my Dad has never once complained. He just said, that was the deal we made.

I am a woman, and I would be more like you, infuriated! Just thought I would tell you the story so you know others go through the same thing, and do let go of the anger. Even now as my Dad has pretty much nothing and my Mom has come out on the better end of the deal, I never hear him talk negatively about her, and I appreciate that so much. I know you'll do that for your kids too!

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I agree that you need to let go of the anger, but perhaps not right away. As you know better than anyone anger is a normal part of the grieving process. While selling the house may be the right thing in the long run that does not make it easy in the short term. Letting go of the house is in ways symbolic of all you have lost through the divorce.

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

I say feel what you're feeling, it's part of the letting go. Being able to write about it, is also part of that process. You will get there the anger will go away, and you WILL find yourself much happier when it is all said and done, but for right now, be mad.. you're allowed!

Allison said...

I am sure A will use the money from the equity for the girls so i would't be all that mad. It is only fair. But you do have a right to your feelings and I hope the anger and hurt will pass. Because anger only hurts you not so much the person.

justme said...

Divorce is hard. Some days are harder than others. I hope you'll be happy in your new home with the girls.

Robin said...

Totally understandable....my equity is still in my matrimonial home...all of it, that I haven't lived in for over 2 years. I haven't gotten anything yet and struggle to make ends meet. But we do what we have to for our kids and that's what I focus on. All the best with the sale.

Kirsten said...

(((hugs))) for the anger. Feel it, deal with it, and then move on. You get the right to feel your emotions, J. Hang in there.

Pamela said...

Could you possibly discuss it with him? He may have plans to open accounts for the girls or something. I understand your anger, but I am famous for working myself up over something that wasn't going to happen in the first place.

Tina said...

When I was divorced we split the equity based on what the house was valued when he left and I got the additional equity that the house earned in the year and a half that I paid the house payment and maintained the house. Talk to your lawyer or realtor, it was only fair. The anger is understandable, don't be too hard on yourself.
Tina

Kathryn said...

I don't know your situation so hardly feel that I should post a comment, but this post struck a chord with me. You have done an amazing job managing what you were left with. You've always been respectful of A and it's clear you've kept the best interests of your children foremost in your actions.
In a similar circumstance a friend asked me to reframe what I was thinking and doing because she thought it might help me to look at things differently. So a couple of questions for you: Did you ask A to help you get the house ready for sale? Have you suggested to him that given the short time he resided with you that perhaps his share should only be the equity from the previous house? And of course, certainly that whatever his share he will be required to pay half of the real estate and legal fees as a result of the sale?

You have been through so much, you are a strong woman and I know that you and your precious girls will do well.

Dawn said...

I totally get your anger and will be in the same situation when (if) I sell my house. The anger that goes along with every step of the divorce process helps you have a healthy life afterwards. You have been very neutral about your feelings towards him, but your bound to be upset occasionally. I think he should be paying for half of anything you buy to stage or fix up the house. (paint, flowers, cleaning company) Since money is tight you are probably doing the work yourselves, otherwise I would include labor costs. Keep in mind when you have a new place to live and a new car, you will have an easier time dealing with the anger. I think this will be a great thing for you and the money is worth the happiness and freedom.

Petunia said...

I understand.. I've been through it. Just remember that ALL that matters is the happiness of your girls. Forget the extra $ etc.. that's all "gravy".
That's how I deal with my ex, we made a deal 6 years ago that all that matters is Taya and her health and happiness, and that's it.
We've never had a problem since.
I'm sorry you have to go through all this, but you're coming out on top, I promise you that!

Lisa Weihman said...

Hugs, Jenny. You've been so good about everything. I think you've earned the right to let off steam. I'm so glad you have MM in your life. This, too, shall pass, and you'll be able to let go of the anger when you are ready for it. People have given you good advice here; three months' equity makes sense to me, but I suspect you have to let the lawyers work out the details. You've written that A felt bad about sticking you with the money pit house. I wonder if he just hasn't thought about this from your perspective. Selling a house is a huge amount of tough work, especially at the end of the school year.

Mimi said...

he should only get 1/2 of the three months that he lived there....think about it if you would of lived there for 20 years does that make any sense at all? he should only get so much and the rest is yours.....just saying hell I don't think he should get anything damn he LEFT....on well thats another story....lol sorry you have to lose your house makes me sad