It's taken me over 18 months since my ex left, but I'm finally feeling like a much more independent woman who doesn't need a man to help
I was completely dependent on my ex-husband. When he left, I was terrified because I thought I needed him to make it. Finding I just need ME
Now, I've learned that I don't need a man or anyone else. I need me and
(almost done, I promise)...and while I don't need a man, I really like the one I've got. I want him in my life. Much healthier balance.
Lately, with the house on the market, home with the kids, stressed out about what will happened next, I've done a lot of self reflection. I've thought about how different it is from before. As I said in that tweet, I was completely dependent on A. There was so much that I was fully reliant on A to get done for our home or family. I didn't even try. I wasn't a good wife in a lot of respects. I see the stress I put on him for that. I see that I put everything into my work at Heroes for Children and my time as a mother that I didn't do other things. He complained at times and I would try.
It took A leaving me for me to become the woman he wanted me to be.
Now, it all falls to me. Boyfriend helps when he can, but it's not always something that he can do given our time apart. If the yard needs mowed, I have to do it if he can't get over here. I handle everything regarding our finances, home maintenance, decisions with the house, activities with the kids, etc. I'm bone tired by the end of the day and doing a little more stress eating these days. It's liberating though. Funny how that works though--I think if he hadn't left me, I wouldn't have changed. I might have stayed that wife/woman I was before and not bettered myself or my family. It would have been too easy to stay the same (because, let's face it, change is HARD). Now, I know I'm a better woman because of the work I've been forced to do on myself.
Boyfriend hasn't been around here much. Due to conflicting kid schedules (I have not yet met his daughters), times out of town and his hectic work life right now, time with him is sparse. When we are together, we have fun and enjoy the girls. I should see him once or twice this week and the girls and I spent a very rare weekend with him which was great.
I've discovered I CAN do this.
"I've got this shit" has been my mantra for over a year and a half. Some days, I didn't actually believe it. It was a weak statement or almost a question "I got this shit?" all while thinking I didn't really. Now, I know I do. I can do this. We will hopefully move in the next 30 days (send all your good vibes, mojo, happy thoughts, prayers, etc as some things are in the works with the house) and start off on our new adventure together. I'm excited to have a new home that is for me and the girls. Something little that I can maintain easier and have more financial stability. I will get rid of my minivan to hopefully lower my outrageous car payments (long story but there is so much UGH there!).
I'm an independent woman now who is loved by a wonderful man and has two happy, healthy kids. I've got this shit.