Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Mounting Anxiety

We're five days into the month of September, and I can feel the anxiety boiling inside of me. September 13th is quickly approaching, and as I go back to the Green Day song "Wake Me Up When September Ends." It's been three years since sweet Allie passed away of cancer. Each year, I feel the anxiety of the anniversary of her death. As soon as the end of August rolls around, my heart begins pounding heavier, and the dread sets in.



Larissa and I have talked about this many times over. For her, Taylor's birthday is harder. Part of it, I think is that she was able to celebrate birthdays with Taylor. They had four birthdays, four parties, and four different memory building times. We never had that. Allie never made it to a birthday. So, for me, it's the anniversary of her death that weighs me down and hits me like a ton of bricks.



I haven't finalized our plans for the day, but I am working on them. I am unable to take a full day off from work with the 5K just two days later, but I will be taking a half day to do something fun with Maggie. We will celebrate the life of her sister by doing something together as a family the three of us and coming together as a larger family that evening for dinner. Allie is remembered each and every day, but September is tough and we feel her absence that much stronger with the harsh reminder of how we lost her.



A few of my favorite pre-cancer Allie pictures tonight--














29 comments:

The Nanny said...

It's hard to believe it's been three years...I've followed your journals since the first DMN article so long ago. I cried about Allie, I've rejoiced about Maggie, and I've so loved being a "part" of your life. Thank you for letting me!

Stephanie said...

Allie has the biggest smiles! She changed my life. You so graciously shared her story with the world & I was changed forever. I walk for Allie & I always will. Not a day goes by that I don't hug my girls that one extra tight time.
She was an angel here on earth and a blessing to us all. Thank you for "sharing" her!

Jennifer said...

I can't believe it's been 3 years since sweet Allie passed. I have been a faithful Allie fan since the Dec. BBC days. And I have also enjoyed watching Miss Maggie grow. I hope you all have a nice family day honoring Allie together. And I love the pics you posted - what a beauty!

Emily Gore said...

I just love Allie sooo much!! I followed you from BabyCenter... Everyday... You all have touched my life in ways I can't even explain. I love ya'll! God Bless you always - but especially in these coming days...

Dana said...

I can't believe it's been 3 years. Look at that precious face, Allie is so beautiful!! I have been keeping up with you guys for 3 years now, and it seems like I found your story just yesterday. Sending you big hugs, lots of love, and prayers during this difficult time. Hug sweet Maggie close from us!
Hugs,
Dana Cope

Mama of 2 P's in a Pod said...

I came across your story after Allie was already an angel. I spent a better half of that first day, going through the journals and seeing how quickly your daughter became so sick. Her sweet little face has stayed with me. My Piper was born just a few days after Allie, and every day I have her healthy is another day I'm blessed. Thank you Jenny for sharing her story, your story with the world. I'm sorry September is so hard, I can not even begin to imagine the pain that is in your heart, but please know that you have many others out here praying for your family. God Bless!

Sarah said...

Prayers for you and your famlily. I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you.

robinandamelia said...

The photos are cute, can never get enough Allie photos!! All the best as you make your way through September.

Hollandtrio said...

Thank you for posting those Allie pics! They make me smile. I'm an Allie fan. Her story changed me and I am forever grateful for that.

hilary said...

Thinking you you during this month... Huge hugs...

~Mommy 2 Four~ said...

You baby girl changed my life. I am now a bone marrow donor and am working on getting RN to become a pediatric oncology nurse. After reading your blog about Allie I have looked into many Caringbridge sites and find that the children and families are amazing. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. She is beautiful and thank you also for sharing her story with the world.

Bethany said...

I cannot believe it's been almost three years since Allie died. I have followed her story since the summer of '04 and was spending a semester in Europe. I will never forget the moment when, sitting in a little internet cafe in Austria, I read that Allie had passed away. I was moved to tears and her life & story changed me forever. I know that she is looking down on you, Andrew, and little Maggie all the time and missing you. (((hugs)))

Aimee said...

I heard that song the other day and immediately thought of you and sweet Allie. I have also been a 'follower' from the beginning. May God be with you on that day and always. I will be thinking about you and praying for you. She is such a beautiful baby. I can't help but smile at those pictures.
(((((HUGS)))))

Waffle Lady said...

Just another follower thinking of you and your family during these next few weeks. May you find peace and love in those around you.

Kimberly said...

I always think of you and Allie when I hear that Green Day song. I've been following your journal since a few months after you started it and was thrilled to join you on the Nov 2005 board with my 2nd daughter. Allie has changed me, too. I'm on the bone marrow registry and always do my best to focus on the wonderful blessings in my life. I will be thinking about you and our sweet Allie.

Pink Lady said...

I have been following your story for years and I can't believe it has been so long. I'm thinking of you this month and especially next week. I hope that you can have a few moments of celebration of Allie's life and that your precious Maggie will bring you lots of joy. What fun you will have in later years telling Maggie about her big sister!

Rachel

3fishies said...

Every time Jennie and I hear that song, she says "mom, that's allie and jenny's song."

You know my prayers are with you - always. I remember being with you on the first anniversay, and the second...prayers prayers...

Love,
Jill

Teresa said...

I have never left a comment before..but I wanted to tell you that I still think of your family and Ellie from time to time. I pray for her and your family. At our church, a young girl is suffering with stage 4 cancer. You've taught me how to deal with this. So, thank you. Allie's life has been so very meaningful.

Kim said...

Jenny, I have followed your blogs for a while and started reading them when Allie was sick. I will never forget the beautiful words that you spoke when you wrote about Allie and her daily struggles. You are one special mama and Allie was so lucky to have you as her mother during her short time here on earth. I think about her too every time I see a beautiful butterfly. I know that the pain still lingers. But I also think that Allie would be very proud of the mother, wife and woman that you've become.

I lost my mom when I was 14 and my sister was 11. I'm so determined to stay healthy and live a long life! I just want to be around for a long time to see my two daughters do the wonderful things that my mommy didn't get to see me do. I think we all have pain. But we somehow channel that pain into strength. And it's that strength that inspires us to do great things. :)

Tracey Robinson said...

Girl, you know I'm here for you. Thinking of you every day!

Erin said...

I can't listen to the Green Day song anymore. It came on the radio the other day and it made me sick just thinking about what you must go through as the anniversary approaches. I hope that Maggie and you have a wonderful day celebrating her big sister the beautiful Allie. Thinking of you always!!

Kylee said...

I too have followed your story. I just wanted to let you know that I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

LisaWV said...

Can't listen to the Green Day song, either, and I know that this time of year, I'm thinking of Allie every day. Part of it is Light the Night, but most of it is the anniversary of what you went through three years ago. I still can't fundraise without tears, so I can't even imagine how hard it must be on you and Andrew. Many prayers and good wishes that you find a way to cope with September. Between 9/11 and Allie's anniversary, the first two weeks of Sept. are really sad times every year.

Saint Richard said...

Hey Jenny,

Nothing poignant to say...Just this:

We love you.

See you soon.

Mum's The Word said...

I always remember Allie as soon as September begins. I remember falling apart at my computer 3 years ago, realizing that the world just lost a precious life. I was forever changed, and hold my children even closer to this day because of your story. I am sorry for your loss, yet I thank you for being such an inspiration to mothers everywhere. My birthday is at the end of this month, yet I feel guilty for celebrating because of not only Allie's passing, but others whom I have known. September is definitely a somber month.

Keeping your family in my prayers and sending much love at this difficult time.

Elle said...

Hugs to you and your family. I actually heard that song last week and you know, I instantly thought of you. I remember a post you had last year speaking of this specific song. It's amazing how someone you never met leaves such a lasting impression.

It's quite obvious your family has left a lasting one on ours.

Elle

royallyamess said...

I can't believe it's almost been 3 years since Allie passed. She changed my life and I will always be greatful for her.

Hollandtrio said...

I just wanted to let you know that your beautiful Allie is on my mind. I just walked by the Blood Mobile and had to stop and donate. Allie popped in my head and I did it for her and now I feel so happy that I did. She changed me and I'm so happy that you shared her with all of us.

peacockgirls said...

Thinking of your angie Allie as the anniversary of her passing approaches... You can just feel her soul by looking at these pictures. What a BEAUTIFUL, SWEET baby girl!
You are in my prayers,
Kate