Sunday, November 14, 2010

Grief, love, happiness, and a move

Oh, hello, stranger. Yes, I'm still here. I know I haven't been around and several of you have started to worrying. I apologize.

I start to type. I end the blog. I try again and wind up closing the laptop again.

So, here I am. I'm going to finish this blog entry this time. The past few months have been exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausting. It's been filled with good times and hard times. Times I've found myself crying more than I have in years and laughing until I cried.
I've stood beside a friend going through the worst imaginable and cried for her pain.

My grief went to an all time high in August. Six years of grief boiled over. My postpartum depression got worse. The medicine didn't seem to be working as well. I was having nightmares. Most of them involved my daughter's body being exumed from the grave. I started hearing her scream in my head. Not just any scream; the one from the day of her death. There were days I found myself crying four and five times. Often with no warning or at just the slightest thing to set me off. I even cried in the middle of a staff meeting one day! I felt alone in this grief, unable to accurately describe the pain to anyone. At the urging of friends, I met with a therapist. She has been helping me work through my pain and grief. For the first time in six years, I am in grief counseling over the death of my daughter. I went to see someone about the postpartum and medication. I found the right combination. I'm on a new medicine that has really made a difference.

Now, I'm crying once or twice a week instead of four and fives times a day. Baby steps.

It's getting better. I'm finding control again. I haven't written because I didn't know how to share this. This pain is so very personal. It's still so raw, even after six years. I realize though that I've opened up so much for so many years that I have people who read and care. So, it's time to write.

My family continues to be my greatest joy. Andrew and the girls make my world right. They bring me happiness and so much love. Maggie turned FIVE in October. I KNOW. I can't believe that my sassy, precocious, diva, princess girl is now five. She'll be a kindergartner next year. She loves cheerleading, piano lessons, and dance. She's remains the girliest of girls. Hugs clothes when we shop and often chooses clothing or accessories as a treat at the store in lieu of a new toy. My little baby bug Katie is the exact opposite. She's our bruiser. Our bull in a china shop. Katie started crawling at six months and now at almost ten months she is almost walking. She takes steps now. The girl is the happiest baby I've ever seen. And oh boy is that girl a chunk! I love each and every fat roll.

In the midst of all that has been going on in the past few months, we made the decision to move. So, add to my already full plate our home going on the market and searching for a new home. We're moving in three weeks. It's been exciting and fun, exhausting and overwhelming. We were lucky enough to have an offer on our home in 13 days and to have found a home we really like to move to. We're moving to the neighborhood Andrew grew up in. My girls will attend the same school he did as a child. He's really excited about that.

So, there you have it. That is August--November in the world of Jenny. There's been grief, love, happiness, and a move.

Hopefully, it can only get better.

27 comments:

Debbie said...

So proud of you! You are doing so much and holding it all together. You are still and always will be my hero. Love you friend!

Kirsten said...

Always thinking of you. I'm glad that you have made changes that are helping you. And congrats on the quick selling of your house!

Daners said...

Thank you for the update. It's been years since I've posted a comment....though, I read and follow. I moved recently too and worried that I missed a blog move.

((HUGE HUGS)) to you!

ScratchNeedles said...

It is so wonderful to see you back. Thankyou for opening your heart to us...it is obvious that it hasn't been easy. I've often wondered how you are going, Im so sad to read this, but you are such a strong and amazing person and each day that passes is another day forward. I think once you said that you'll never move on, but move forward. It's always been a comfort to me and sometimes an easier way to deal with grief, knowing that to move forward with life we don't have to leave what we love behind.

Take care xo

One crazed mommy said...

So glad to see you posting again - you were sorely missed! I am sorry for the reasons you were unable to post, but you definitely needed that healing time for yourself and I am glad you took it. Great to see you back, and hope things continue to get better for you! Good luck on the move - that is awesome how quickly it sold! My husband is a realtor, and that is a rarity these days. Hang in there, and welcome back! :) Hugs from SC!

Jenn

Strongest Mommy Alive said...

So glad to hear you are getting some help therapy wise Jenny..Ive been on and off checking the other site to see how you were.6 yrs is a long time to hold it all in sweetie..

Big hugs...continued prayers for your beautiful family.

PS your 2 other girlies are just beautiful...what blessings...xo

Adrianne said...

Thank you for sharing your most raw and personal moments with us. We care about you and your health and pray that you continue see yourself from this dark hole that won't go away. Yea for a new house!!

LisaWV said...

I've been worried about you! I'm so glad you posted. I've been following Tracey's blog, and worried that there might be some posse fallout on your end, too, and wondered how you were doing with the PPD. Sounds like you've been to hell and back. I am glad that you got help, that you found a good drug, and that you have good support, too. I can't imagine how rough it is to grieve for Allie. I'm glad you are in a better place, and that the house move sounds like such a positive thing, too. How AMAZING that you sold your house so fast! My sister in Houston is not having such luck. I am wishing all the best for the Scott family, today and always. Hang in there!

Lyndsay said...

You are an amazingly strong woman!!

I can only imagine how much you miss Allie... and I'm sure my imagination doesn't even capture a fraction of your grief. To be able to do what you do with HFC every day is incredible. I know that you would miss Allie no matter WHERE you worked, but to be faced day in and day out with such familiar and heart wrenching situations must take it's toll.
Good luck with the move... is this the house with the awesome pool that you were Tweeting about? Hope so!!

Angela said...

Thinking of you and glad you found something to help you with your grief. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mom.

Paula said...

Jenny, I have been reading your blogs since Allie's death and have followed since that time... I was beginning to get worried about you...had even thought about e-mailing Debbie to see what I could find out... so sorry about all of those months of misery that you have been going through... so glad to see you back and that you are doing better..

Sincerely,
Paula
West Tennessee

Mommy Mo said...

I, too, check in on your from time to time, wondering how the Scott family is doing. I'm glad you are getting the help you need.

Your first website was the FIRST family website/blog I ever read and eventually lead me to some of the most wonderful people.

Thank you for continuing to share your life with all of us.

linda said...

Jenny,

I have been concerned about you for the last several months..just like all the others that have followed your blog for years. I am so glad you are getting some help and doing better. My nephew had leukemia and passed away last month. I would like to donate to heroes for children. Let me know what to do.

Linda

lavenderfamily said...

Like so many others I too, have been worried about you in the past months. I check your blog often for updates and was getting concerned that there hadn't been one in some time. One night I even went back and re-read your entire scotthousehold blog and cried my eyes out...again.

I am so glad to hear you are getting the help that you need and that your family continues to be your happiness. You deserve every bit of it!

michellek said...

I don't usually post to blogs. But I read and find strength, wisdom, humor, grace, and honesty. I started following your blog in 2004. A few years later my own young daughter was diagnosed with a rare sarcoma and I turned back to your journey to find strength and wisdom. I know you never asked to be placed in the role you have been - and it must be a bit odd to have complete strangers asking and wondering about you, but I thank you for continuing to allow others a glimpse of your journey and the honesty in which you share even the most difficult parts. I wish for you peace in your heart, and more and more days of happiness (and perhaps a little sanity surviving a move :) )

Crys said...

Understand friend. Keep taking baby steps. At least you are moving. Glad to know you are making it through.

Lindsay said...

So happy to see you back! :)

Lea said...

Jenny, I just saw Heroes for Children on the news for the gifts you all are buying for the kids for Christmas. I actually go goose bumps knowing that I was a part of something that is so awesome. Thank you for doing what you're doing through the grief of your daughter, that in itself is a great gift to the world. But you must take care of you and I'm glad to see that you are taking the steps to help you get yourself in a good place. You will never "move on" as they say, but I know that there's a way for you to adapt your life so that all of your experiences can fit in the proper perspective for you.

Thanks again to you and Allie, if it weren't for the two of you I wouldn't be starting my senior year of nursing school in january. I want to be part of the mission against this horrible disease and someday I hope to help out more than I can right now. God's speed on your healing girl, you deserve it.

M. said...

Jenny, thank you for your update and (hugs). It may sound odd, but there are a lot of people out here in cyberland who have followed your sorrow and your joys, like you were a friend who just lived far away. I'm glad you are feeling better--we were worried for you--you are brave to look it in the face and find what will help you. Your girls (and Andrew) are very lucky to have you. My heart tells me that Allie was a beautiful gift, to us all. (hugs)

Ashley H. said...

I was surprised (and relieved) to see your blog updated. I always check, but got used to seeing the pic of the girls.

I know nothing will ever take the pain away, but I'm glad you're able to find an outlet and help. Still pray for you every day.

TheManager said...

wow, i was starting to wonder where you were! you have been BUSY! i'm so sorry for all that you are going through but i am thankful you have such wonderful people in your life & that you are starting to feel better.

i hope once you are settled in your new home,you can give us an update.

Erin Laughpaintcreate said...

Hi Jenny, I click here every now and then to see if there is an update. I am sorry to hear it's been such a rough go lately. I am happy to hear you are seeking help and that you are taking those baby steps to getting better. It will get better. Thank you for posting and congrats on the house. That is exciting! Much love,

Erin O.

snekcip said...

So elated to see an update! I checked back here regularly to see an update! I'm not trying to make you feel obligated, it's just that WE CARE!!! I can truly say I ADORE THE SCOTT FAMILY! Allie was "my first blog baby" and oh how that little girl uplifted me on a daily basis. Allie's journey was raw, real and a dose of reality of this hideous monster called cancer. I laughed, rejoice and cried upon losing that precious Allie! I can not even fathom your personal pain.

Always remember, there is no time limit on grieving and no shame in asking for help to make it thru the rough patches! Remember, we are here NOT to judge, but to lift you in prayer. We thank God for sending Allie to us. Allie was truly a gift to us all!!

We adore Maggie and Katie and love the updates about them! Wishing you all the best and can't wait to see pics of the girls and the new house!!

Melissa said...

I've missed you! I am glad you have found a way to begin to heal in the way that you know you need to. That is a hard step to take! (((hugs))))

We are all here for you!

Your life has changed ours, and hopefully our lives and support can help in some small way give you strength also!

AWEnterprises said...

Jenny, I can't even begin to pretend that I know how you feel. But, I do know what it's like to start, then stop, then start typing something just to close the laptop. I have been trying since you posted this to say something encouraging to you, but the words escape me. I feel your pain through your words and it just doesn't seem like enough to tell you how thankful I am for you, or how much your words actually mean to me. You see, I've been following your blog for many, many years now. Actually, I think I picked up on it after the first month you started it. I love reading about your triumphs and tribulations. It's like reading a new novel every time you write. I know your life wasn't planned this way and I know it breaks your heart now and FOREVER about sweet baby Allie, and I think of her often, and most especially in September and December. And...when I see giraffes.

I just want you to know that many more people care about you than can physically show you...so consider this my virtual hug. (.....) I pray for nothing but the best for you!!

Amanda in Arizona.

Adele said...

Jenny,

I think about Allie often. Out the blue for no reason at all, I'll be driving along and I think about Allie, you and your family. Whenever September Rain comes on I think about your daughter. I think about another little boy who passed whenever I see a cardinal. I think it's these small reminders that have helped me to be a better person, a better mother. Thank you for sharing your life with others. To allow us all to see a little piece of your soul is truly a gift and it will always be cherished. Thank you.

Beckest of the BECKS said...

Jenny,

I have missed you so! I was so worried about you. I am so sorry that things have been so rough, but I am so happy that you are getting the help and things are more in control. You are such an amazing person. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this post must have been to write. HUGS and prayers.

Beck Marko