Oh, hello, stranger. Yes, I'm still here. I know I haven't been around and several of you have started to worrying. I apologize.
I start to type. I end the blog. I try again and wind up closing the laptop again.
So, here I am. I'm going to finish this blog entry this time. The past few months have been exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausting. It's been filled with good times and hard times. Times I've found myself crying more than I have in years and laughing until I cried.
I've stood beside a friend going through the worst imaginable and cried for her pain.
My grief went to an all time high in August. Six years of grief boiled over. My postpartum depression got worse. The medicine didn't seem to be working as well. I was having nightmares. Most of them involved my daughter's body being exumed from the grave. I started hearing her scream in my head. Not just any scream; the one from the day of her death. There were days I found myself crying four and five times. Often with no warning or at just the slightest thing to set me off. I even cried in the middle of a staff meeting one day! I felt alone in this grief, unable to accurately describe the pain to anyone. At the urging of friends, I met with a therapist. She has been helping me work through my pain and grief. For the first time in six years, I am in grief counseling over the death of my daughter. I went to see someone about the postpartum and medication. I found the right combination. I'm on a new medicine that has really made a difference.
Now, I'm crying once or twice a week instead of four and fives times a day. Baby steps.
It's getting better. I'm finding control again. I haven't written because I didn't know how to share this. This pain is so very personal. It's still so raw, even after six years. I realize though that I've opened up so much for so many years that I have people who read and care. So, it's time to write.
My family continues to be my greatest joy. Andrew and the girls make my world right. They bring me happiness and so much love. Maggie turned FIVE in October. I KNOW. I can't believe that my sassy, precocious, diva, princess girl is now five. She'll be a kindergartner next year. She loves cheerleading, piano lessons, and dance. She's remains the girliest of girls. Hugs clothes when we shop and often chooses clothing or accessories as a treat at the store in lieu of a new toy. My little baby bug Katie is the exact opposite. She's our bruiser. Our bull in a china shop. Katie started crawling at six months and now at almost ten months she is almost walking. She takes steps now. The girl is the happiest baby I've ever seen. And oh boy is that girl a chunk! I love each and every fat roll.
In the midst of all that has been going on in the past few months, we made the decision to move. So, add to my already full plate our home going on the market and searching for a new home. We're moving in three weeks. It's been exciting and fun, exhausting and overwhelming. We were lucky enough to have an offer on our home in 13 days and to have found a home we really like to move to. We're moving to the neighborhood Andrew grew up in. My girls will attend the same school he did as a child. He's really excited about that.
So, there you have it. That is August--November in the world of Jenny. There's been grief, love, happiness, and a move.
Hopefully, it can only get better.