Oh this week! This week has been insane, painful, and full of big milestones.
This weekend was my first full weekend away from the girls. I stayed at a friend's poolhouse and then one night in a hotel with a girlfriend. I booked girls nights, lunches, brunch, and everything to keep my moving the whole time. It was a fun weekend. I missed the girls so much. I went from Thursday morning to Sunday at 5pm. I was able to see them on Saturday afternoon to get Maggie's hair and makeup ready for her ballet recital. I sat with tears watching my precious girl dance, smile, and wave to me on stage.
Sunday was our 12th wedding anniversary. Friends met me for a brunch and kept me laughing. Twelve years. Sixteen together. Looking back, I have no regrets. I am thankful for the years we had together and I will never wish we didn't have them. It was painful. I suppressed tears throughout the day. Gave in to them in the quiet and privacy of my own bedroom late that night.
Monday, he moved into an apartment. He's close by and has found a place that he feels will provide a good home for the girls when they are there. The finality of that move hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a wreck on Monday.
Tuesday morning, I appeared at the courthouse and filed the initial petition for divorce. The chipper lady behind the counter happily helped me and hummed as she was stapling my paperwork and I had tears streaming down my face. I want to be able to have this completed before the school year begins. If it's time to move forward, then it is. We have a sixty day waiting period. Both of us are required to take a parenting class, and we will finalize the divorce decree. Everything has been agreed upon respectfully with our children as number one priority. He will continue a STRONG involvement in the lives of our daughters and we will coparent well.
Tuesday night was the girls' first overnight in the new apartment. What I know I have that some other women have--no worry for my girls when they are with their father. I have no doubt, hesitation, or concern that they are in the best care. I used to joke that Andrew would be a better stay at home parent than me. I went to dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine from cancer camp. When I came home to that big empty house, I felt that pain in the pit of my stomach. I know that eventually I will get more comfortable with my alone time. I may even come to really love it and need it. Right now, it scares the crud out of me and I try to stay busy instead. I couldn't fall asleep. Think I *maybe* got three hours of sleep and it was broken at best. Thank goodness for music right now. It's my lifeline. I'm constantly listening to something and connecting with the lyrics. Most listened to right now--Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You," Mumford and Sons "Little Lion Man" and "White Blank Page" (the whole CD really, I'm currently obsessed with them), U2 "Walk On," Michelle Branch "Breathe," and The Script "Break Even."
Yesterday was Maggie's second play therapy appointment. It has been helping. The play therapist is working with Maggie to learn how to express her emotions. She struggles with this. She cries at the drop of a hat or screams out in frustration. She's always been a little like this, but it's much more extreme these days. My sweet love has her highs and lows. Luckily, at five, she can at least snap out of it fairly quickly and be ready to play again.
Today, I have my going away party for Heroes for Children. The two Houston staff members are flying in for the party and a staff meeting tomorrow. We have about 50-60 people coming to the party. While I'm excited for the teaching, it doesn't come without emotion to leave HFC. This has been a major, integral part of my life for the past seven years. These people have become part of my family. I cried this morning when I was grabbing my dress to change into tonight. I know I will have more tears today. Good tears, but tears nonetheless. There is a champagne toast at 6:30 that I'm sure I won't make it through.
Yeah, that's been my week. It's only Thursday morning. Thank goodness for a fun kid weekend ahead. We have a sleepover planned for tomorrow night. We only have Deanna or Tracey's kids for sleepovers. Tomorrow is Tracey's kids. I love when my home is filled with happy kids playing. Nothing makes me happier than a house full of kids running and playing happily together. Maggie, Lucy and I have decided that since the gameroom is one big empty room now (furniture went to him), we're having a big picnic on blankets for our dinner. The girls were planning it all out. I am hosting our monthly playgroup on Sunday. This group has been together since our gymboree play days when the girls were 1. Saturday is a day for just catching up, cleaning and relaxing with the girls.
It's been a week. I'm still standing though and it's almost the end. Next week may look entirely different. We'll see