Thursday, June 9, 2011

Is it Friday yet?

Oh this week!  This week has been insane, painful, and full of big milestones.

This weekend was my first full weekend away from the girls.  I stayed at a friend's poolhouse and then one night in a hotel with a girlfriend.  I booked girls nights, lunches, brunch, and everything to keep my moving the whole time.  It was a fun weekend.  I missed the girls so much.  I went from Thursday morning to Sunday at 5pm.  I was able to see them on Saturday afternoon to get Maggie's hair and makeup ready for her ballet recital.  I sat with tears watching my precious girl dance, smile, and wave to me on stage.

Sunday was our 12th wedding anniversary.  Friends met me for a brunch and kept me laughing.  Twelve years.  Sixteen together.  Looking back, I have no regrets.  I am thankful for the years we had together and I will never wish we didn't have them.  It was painful.  I suppressed tears throughout the day.  Gave in to them in the quiet and privacy of my own bedroom late that night.

Monday, he moved into an apartment.  He's close by and has found a place that he feels will provide a good home for the girls when they are there.  The finality of that move hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was a wreck on Monday.

Tuesday morning, I appeared at the courthouse and filed the initial petition for divorce.   The chipper lady behind the counter happily helped me and hummed as she was stapling my paperwork and I had tears streaming down my face.  I want to be able to have this completed before the school year begins.  If it's time to move forward, then it is.  We have a sixty day waiting period.  Both of us are required to take a parenting class, and we will finalize the divorce decree.  Everything has been agreed upon respectfully with our children as number one priority.  He will continue a STRONG involvement in the lives of our daughters and we will coparent well.

Tuesday night was the girls' first overnight in the new apartment.  What I know I have that some other women have--no worry for my girls when they are with their father.  I have no doubt, hesitation, or concern that they are in the best care.  I used to joke that Andrew would be a better stay at home parent than me.  I went to dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine from cancer camp.  When I came home to that big empty house, I felt that pain in the pit of my stomach.  I know that eventually I will get more comfortable with my alone time.  I may even come to really love it and need it.  Right now, it scares the crud out of me and I try to stay busy instead.  I couldn't fall asleep.  Think I *maybe* got three hours of sleep and it was broken at best.  Thank goodness for music right now.  It's my lifeline.  I'm constantly listening to something and connecting with the lyrics.  Most listened to right now--Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You," Mumford and Sons "Little Lion Man" and "White Blank Page" (the whole CD really, I'm currently obsessed with them), U2 "Walk On," Michelle Branch "Breathe," and The Script "Break Even."

Yesterday was Maggie's second play therapy appointment.  It has been helping.  The play therapist is working with Maggie to learn how to express her emotions. She struggles with this.  She cries at the drop of a hat or screams out in frustration.  She's always been a little like this, but it's much more extreme these days.  My sweet love has her highs and lows.  Luckily, at five, she can at least snap out of it fairly quickly and be ready to play again.

Today, I have my going away party for Heroes for Children.  The two Houston staff members are flying in for the party and a staff meeting tomorrow.  We have about 50-60 people coming to the party. While I'm excited for the teaching, it doesn't come without emotion to leave HFC.  This has been a major, integral part of my life for the past seven years.  These people have become part of my family.  I cried this morning when I was grabbing my dress to change into tonight.  I know I will have more tears today.  Good tears, but tears nonetheless.  There is a champagne toast at 6:30 that I'm sure I won't make it through.

Yeah, that's been my week.  It's only Thursday morning.  Thank goodness for a fun kid weekend ahead.  We have a sleepover planned for tomorrow night.  We only have Deanna or Tracey's kids for sleepovers.  Tomorrow is Tracey's kids.  I love when my home is filled with happy kids playing.  Nothing makes me happier than a house full of kids running and playing happily together.  Maggie, Lucy and I have decided that since the gameroom is one big empty room now (furniture went to him), we're having a big picnic on blankets for our dinner.  The girls were planning it all out.  I am hosting our monthly playgroup on Sunday.  This group has been together since our gymboree play days when the girls were 1.  Saturday is a day for just catching up, cleaning and relaxing with the girls.

It's been a week.  I'm still standing though and it's almost the end.  Next week may look entirely different.  We'll see

31 comments:

One crazed mommy said...

Big hugs to you - sounds like a really rough week, but hang in there. You can, and are doing this. Cry when you need to, laugh whenever you want and hug those girls as often as you can. Thinking of you as you go through these changes and hoping that each week gets a little easier for you.

JennG (from SC)

tricia said...

If I'm still shocked at Andrew's revelation then I can't imagine how you're still standing. I know you have no other choice,especially for the girl's sake,but you amaze me at how well you are handling this divorce. One part of me isn't amazed because you have always shown such incredible strength but you were also so in love with him. Thinking of you and knowing you will be ok.

TPPmommyof3 said...

You are making it!! You seem to be doing it with grace!! You made it through the first week. The rest will slowly but surely get easier!!

You will be just fine. Happier then you could have imagined.

Shannon said...

Jenny,

I have followed you since the beginning. You have been an inspiration to me. The raw honesty and openness you post on your blog is amazing. Thank you!

I have traveled the road you are now on. Our lives are very parallel in some aspects. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this transition.

Thank you again!

Nikki said...

You got this.

Love you,
N

Esther said...

Jenny, you continually amaze me with your strength. I know that you will get through this stronger and happier than ever before. You have so many people thinking of you and your happiness. And if you need anything please let me know. Huge hugs!

Lyndsay said...

Wow, what a week. {sigh} More emotions than I can imagine. But I'm glad there is so much good built into these weeks.
You're going to be okay.
PS - Another song to add to your rotation 'Everyday is Yours to Win' by REM.

Jonalee said...

I agree with everything Tricia said. I don't know how you handle things with such dignity, but that's one of the qualities I've always admired about you. I have been praying that he will wake up and realize what he's losing but since he hasn't, feel free to write a pissed-off blog entry...even if you have to make it up. :o)

GirlyMomma said...

Is it possible for my heart to break for you, AND be full of hope at the same time? Yes, it is.
Keep swimming, as your good friend says, 'You got this...'
Kelley

LisaWV said...

I just left the pool with the kids, where I ran into another friend who is in the middle of a divorce. She was hiding out at the pool, not wanting to be formally served with the papers that are coming to tell her he's suing for full custody of their three boys and that he's accusing her of child abuse (completely baseless allegation). I am so thankful that you are NOT going through this kind of divorce. I'm so sorry you are going through this at all, but am so glad that you are maintaining a civil relationship and that you are already co-parenting so well. I know it cannot be easy, but I also know that it makes everything so much easier in the end if you can both focus on the kids and do this with as much grace as you can muster. You are such an incredibly resilient woman, and you'll get through this. I just hope that next week is more normal, less full of these sorts of milestones. I also hope you have more joy than pain at your farewell party tonight!

Misty said...

Jen i am here for u girl i know that we have never met but i have been following your blog since before Allie recieved her angel wings and i too have went through a terrible divorce and can totally relate keep ur head high and know u will be ok....

The Hoodies said...

Jenny,
I have nothing profound or witty to add, but I will simply say I am standing by offering love and support to each of you as I have since our family first fell in love with Allie.

Much love and prayers!

Toes in the sand said...

This is the 3rd (?) blog post where seperation/divorce has been mentioned and I still read and shake my head. I have followed you since the Allie days and I feel like I know you. I have always admired your strength, love for your family, beauty, resilience. I also was always "struck" with the love you shared with Andrew. If I am struggling with the news of your divorce, I can only imagine how you are dealing (which in true Jenny fashion is with nothing but grace). All that to say you are loved, supported and being cheered on by many. xoxo

Ms. Sarah said...

You have had one heck of a week. Sounds like a great weekend is in order. Enjoy your time.

Congrats on your teaching job so excited for you. Hang in there and the chin up. Love the list of music you listed. I am off to check out the blank white page. Many prayers for you. Cheering from Germany!

The Hoodies said...

I totally failed to say earlier, Mumford and Sons, simply amazing music. We listen to the CD over and over again. Our almost 9 month old is obsessed with The Cave. If she is having a fit or is cranky and if you play The Cave she snaps right out of it :) Our older two love Roll Away Your Stone. Good stuff.

Sue said...

Jenny I'm sorry for what you are going through...I hope the girls do okay and adjust quickly. I know you are both great parents. I wish your family all the best life has to offer. I hope you find love again...

Mimi said...

I too have been where you are now.....I remember that first weekend where I was allll alone I did nothing but sit and cry all weekend,.....but you will get through this trust me you will....I also have been read before Allie left us and you two have been through so much it just breaks my heart....love ya

Beverly said...

I don't think you'd be walking through it and being grounded and feeling it if you didn't break down and cry on your anniversary! Let yourself feel the emotions as they come. That's the only way to stay present and real. I know from reading your blog your posse has your back, but even in those quiet moments let yourself feel it. Scream and cry and get through it. Because there will be the other side. Big hugs.

Erin Laughpaintcreate said...

Jenny,

I have not commented in a long time but wanted to let you know I am sending inner peace and love your way. I am sad to hear the news of your split with Andrew. I never had the chance to meet him, but I have met you and I know you are a beautiful, strong and amazing woman.

Much love,
Erin

Mimi said...

Please tell me there is no other woman in the picture??? Please tell me that.....I know it's none of my business but reading your blog just makes me wonder????

Dusty said...

My heart goes out to you during this transition period. I promise you that in time, it will get easier. Many hugs to you.

dkmouser510 said...

Jenny, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this too. I was actually at the courthouse on Tuesday as well, but to finalize my divorce. I know I don't know your situation, but certain elements and feelings ring very true to me as I am experience them right now too. All I can say is that you and the girls will be alright, just as my son and I will be. This experience, sad as it is, will make us stronger women and stronger mothers. First you will survive, and then you will thrive. Take care and best of luck to you.
Kelli

Pamela said...

I am so very sorry. I can hope, I guess, that Andrew realizes just what he has thrown away, sooner rather than later.

Amy said...

I am another follower from the days of the scotthousehold blog. Seeing evidence of the lives you have touched is truely amazing. It takes a remarkable person to generate this kind of following. I have no doubt that you will find happiness in this new phase of life, and join everyone else in wishing you nothing but the best

Musings from Me said...

I don't know what you're going through...exactly, but I am in a spot in my marriage where it all seems like too much. Just too much. It's not effort, but something else. The something else is what I'm not sure about. I'm glad you had a fun weekend. I'm headed off on a girls' weekend/conference-type weekend at the end of June. I'm looking forward to the break from this crazy, busy, stressful, and sometimes fun year.

Julie said...

I am another follower since caringbridge and scotthousehold and my heart grieves for you. I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to let you know I am silently cheering you on.

snekcip said...

Jenny while I don't know you in Andrew personally, I feel as though I do. Like I have mentioned before, I have followed you since scotthousehold days. While I'm not standing in your shoes, I can only imagine what types of emotions your marriage went thru with the lost of Allie. NO ONE knows this but you and Andrew. While there are 2 sides to every story, I do not wish to "bash" Andrew nor give "negative vibes" or "speculations". Divorce is a highly emotional situation and "adding stress" is not what I came here to do. Marriage is "work" and to add a devastating loss of a child just makes it much harder. I pray the best for you, Andrew and the girls. I pray that each of you transition to your "new normal" and that "the girls" are always the first and foremost in each and everything you do. Many prayers are being said for your family there is no doubt. Your strength is amazing, but I know "you are still human". You hurt, you cry, you are not perfect and you will make mistakes. God has and always will continue to care for you and keep you....always.

PS Hoping that Brandy is making out okay with the new transition as well.

Auntie Mip said...

I am sorry Jenny. Taking the banner down and pictures of the two of you...I can't imagine. I know what it is like to love deeply and be told out of no where that the one you love so much doesn't reciprocate that love. I found out 6 months before my wedding. I was stunned. I had no idea he had left me emotionally months before. I would never presume that my hurt is the same as yours. I hope I have't offended. I just have a sense of the deep pain. I pray for you Jenny. I don't know if that helps, but I do. I am just so damn sorry!

M.Yeager said...

Big hugs Jenny! Hey you haven't mentioned Dana in a long while, how is she doing?

Angie said...

Long time follower here. So very sorry to hear that it's come to this. I can only hold you in my prayers, and sincerely hope that you find something wonderful on the other side of this. I'm so very, very sorry, Jenny :(

Karen said...

I have been a follower since Caringbridge and was so shocked when I found out that you are divorcing. I thought you had the perfect marriage. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. You are in my prayers. You will make it---you are a smart educated woman.