I've been a part of a whole for the past 16 years. I wasn't just Jenny, but a part of Jenny AND Andrew. My identity was wrapped up in the safety of this family I had created. In this man that I loved. We became Jenny and Andrew so early in our lives, it was all I knew. Now, without that AND Andrew after my name, who am I? Where do I fit and what do I want?
These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Here's what I know--each day, I'm learning something about the Jenny now. The adult I am becoming. Yes, I'm 33 years old, but I may just now be learning to really be an adult. One who isn't dependent on someone else but navigating through life on my own. I'm doing the things that most do in college or in their early twenties. I'm finding myself. I'm writing the checks, keeping up with the house and doing the maintenance on the house (not well, mind you, NB made fun of me the other day for saying I didn't know how I to change the lights on my ceiling fan because of how the glass cover is on it. I caught serious stuff for that one!). It's not always smooth, but I'm making my way through it.
Lately, I feel as though I live two lives. First and foremost is that of mom/teacher. I am a single working mom who stays up late to get everything done after the girls go to bed and rushes in the morning to get three people to three different schools. I have gotten the girls and I into a routine and doing activities that are our thing like spending nights playing in the front yard doing chalk art with Brandy running around us or playing in our playroom for hours laughing. In many ways, I feel like a better parent than I've ever been because when it's just me, I don't have another person to turn to with this. My girls and I are becoming our own family unit. My days are just as busy as my nights. I've reinvented myself in my career with the return of teaching. I'm Madame Scott again and I love it.
Next comes the life of the single girl. As I've mentioned before, Andrew gets the children more than a typical standard custody agreement. So, he has them overnight twice a week and Fri--Sun afternoon on the 1st and 3rd weekends of the month. Sometimes this changes. We try to be flexible with each other and our schedules. I have a lot of free time. More than I need to be honest. So, I'm the single girl.
My single girl weekends are fairly planned and packed. I've made a few new friends and gone out with a few single girlfriends on occasion. I go out on dates sometimes. Mainly it's when NB and I have the same off nights which can be rare. We spent a lot of time this weekend together and it was great. I keep myself as busy as possible during my nonmommy times. My single girl time is fun but I always feel that twinge of strangeness, the duplicity of this second life still not yet comfortable. I am learning to get more used to it. I've adjusted to not having a ring on my left hand and I like flirting when there is the opportunity. However, by the end of a single girl weekend, I'm anxious to grab my girls and hug them extra tight, but I'm filled with fun times too.
So who I am now is not yet to be fully answered. But I'm discovering something new each day.
I wonder what I'll learn tomorrow?