Monday, September 19, 2011

Who is Jenny?

I've been a part of a whole for the past 16 years.  I wasn't just Jenny, but a part of Jenny AND Andrew.  My identity was wrapped up in the safety of this family I had created.  In this man that I loved.  We became Jenny and Andrew so early in our lives, it was all I knew.  Now, without that AND Andrew after my name, who am I?  Where do I fit and what do I want? 

These are the questions that keep me up at night. 

Here's what I know--each day, I'm learning something about the Jenny now.  The adult I am becoming.  Yes, I'm 33 years old, but I may just now be learning to really be an adult.  One who isn't dependent on someone else but navigating through life on my own.  I'm doing the things that most do in college or in their early twenties.  I'm finding myself.  I'm writing the checks, keeping up with the house and doing the maintenance on the house (not well, mind you, NB made fun of me the other day for saying I didn't know how I to change the lights on my ceiling fan because of how the glass cover is on it.  I caught serious stuff for that one!).  It's not always smooth, but I'm making my way through it. 

Lately, I feel as though I live two lives.  First and foremost is that of mom/teacher.  I am a single working mom who stays up late to get everything done after the girls go to bed and rushes in the morning to get three people to three different schools.  I have gotten the girls and I into a routine and doing activities that are our thing like spending nights playing in the front yard doing chalk art with Brandy running around us or playing in our playroom for hours laughing.  In many ways, I feel like a better parent than I've ever been because when it's just me, I don't have another person to turn to with this.  My girls and I are becoming our own family unit.  My days are just as busy as my nights.  I've reinvented myself in my career with the return of teaching.  I'm Madame Scott again and I love it.

Next comes the life of the single girl.  As I've mentioned before, Andrew gets the children more than a typical standard custody agreement.  So, he has them overnight twice a week and Fri--Sun afternoon on the 1st and 3rd weekends of the month.  Sometimes this changes.  We try to be flexible with each other and our schedules.  I have a lot of free time.  More than I need to be honest.  So, I'm the single girl.

My single girl weekends are fairly planned and packed.  I've made a few new friends and gone out with a few single girlfriends on occasion.  I go out on dates sometimes.  Mainly it's when NB and I have the same off nights which can be rare.  We spent a lot of time this weekend together and it was great.  I keep myself as busy as possible during my nonmommy times.  My single girl time is fun but I always feel that twinge of strangeness, the duplicity of this second life still not yet comfortable.   I am learning to get more used to it. I've adjusted to not having a ring on my left hand and I like flirting when there is the opportunity.  However, by the end of a single girl weekend, I'm anxious to grab my girls and hug them extra tight, but I'm filled with fun times too. 

So who I am now is not yet to be fully answered.  But I'm discovering something new each day. 

I wonder what I'll learn tomorrow?


tricia said...

Although scary, I have no doubt that you will find that beautiful adult woman that was ALWAYS inside you!

Cindy said...

You are so fabulous Jenny! Keep on, keepin' on :)

Captain.Laura said...

Jenny, I have been silently following your blog since 2004, and this post inspired me to finally speak up. I've been in a mediocre relationship for 15 years - since high school, same as you. When you came out about your divorce- YOU, the perfect couple, it made me feel ok about asking my husband to move out. We are definitely divorcing now, and I'm going through a lot of the same self-discovery as you are. Good luck, and I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines.

D Griffin said...

I think I could have written this verbatim, except add a son in there as well. I split from my ex in 2006, after 17 years together - since I was fifteen. It was strange - I was in no mood to date since that relationships had been horrible, but now I find myself thinking I may someday soon. It has been nice to be able to focus on the kids, but I think the exclusive Mom-time has spoiled them a little. Best of luck in finding yourself, it is funny to be saying that when we are in our 30's, but it is what it is. Just wanted to let you know that I am out here pulling for you - funny to feel as though you know someone when you have never met! And, we walk here in Louisville on 10/1 for Allie, just as we have since 2004. Wouldn't miss it!

L said...

Laura and d, did you go to marriage counseling? Did it help your decision?

snekcip said...

I read this quote on another blog, not sure where it originate, but I thought it was perfect for this post.

It’always darkest before the dawn…..and only God can give you beauty for ashes.

Wishing you and the girls all the best.

One crazed mommy said...

Enjoy each day and each new thing you learn! Thinking of you each and every day!


TPPmommyof3 said...

Date a few for me! :o) I love my husband to death... but I do so miss dating. The butterflies are kinda spiffy! lol.

I feel horrible that you are hurting and my heart just goes out to you. Andrew is going to regret this at some point. However, I must admit, I am sort of jealous! lol. You totally can reinvent yourself and find out who and what you really do like! There is something really exciting in that!!

I am so thrilled to follow and see what else you discover and all that *Jenny* becomes!

Dusty said...

I wish I was more like you.

You have a career that you love, you are the best mommy, and you are taking care of your needs as well.

Way to go.

Captain.Laura said...

@L - We did marriage counseling on and off for 2 years. I also spent a year and a half in individual counseling with our former marriage counselor before deciding for sure to end things. I think both the marriage and the individual counseling helped a LOT in getting me to a decision - I learned communication and relationship skills, as well as a whole lot about myself.