Sunday, September 4, 2011

New Territory

So much about my life is new to me.  It's a time of discovery and learning.  From learning the new curriculum and methodology of foreign language instruction to figuring out things Andrew typically handled for our home, I'm experiencing something new.  Let's cover some of the big ones, shall we?

  • Adjusting to School Life  I forgot about those fun rushed 25 minute lunches!  When I taught, I would get so excited about the summertime and lunching with friends for an extended period of time.  I used to get so excited about it.  Then I worked in a job that required me to lunch with people as often as possible.  Business lunches were so common place that I got burnt out of being at restaurants.  Come next summer, I'll probably be so excited again.  I love my school so much.  I'm truly happy there and love the school environment again.  The teaching itself has been like riding a bike.  The time in front of the students is just as natural for me as it was back then.  My students are challenging, fun, funny, inquisitive, and eager to learn.  My principal could not be a more incredible man and one who deserves and gets the respect of the faculty, parents, and students.  He is the kind of principal I would like to have leading a school Maggie is attending (she won't go to my school when she goes to middle school).  The workload is tremendous and of course I'm already behind in my grading.  I found out that not only am I the foreign language department head but also the head of the other nonmusic elective classes.  Talk about a bit of a shock on the first day of teachers being back at the school!  Oh, and that I was teaching a 6th grade class that I wasn't expecting on top of the 2 7th grade, 3 8th grade and the Advisory (like homeroom) that most of us has too.   I am the co-sponsor of the National Junior Honor Society (yes, both of these positions come with an additional salary benefit and I need that right now).  It's just a bit busy.  :)  I'm so grateful to be back in education and I know without a shadow of  doubt that I made the absolute best decision for ME in this career change. 

  • Time Without the Girls This could quite possibly be one of the toughest parts of the divorce.  A tradiontional divorce grants the noncustodial parent one night a week.  With Andrew being such an active and loving father, I agreed to two nights, overnight.  I will NOT allow my hurt and pain to affect my decision in the unlimited access he deserves as their father.  Frankly, my daughters don't deserve that.  They have a wonderful father who is active in their lives.  This is important.  So long as I continue to feel that he is providing and loving the girls and this isn't affecting their days at school, I won't change this, no matter how hard it is on me.  It's not about me.  It's about the two loves that need both of their loving parents.  However, that doesn't mean that them being out of my home is easy on me.  It is excruciating at times.  I drop them off Tuesday morning.  Since he picks up and drops off directly at school, I don't see them again until Thursday after school.  I found myself practically running into Katie's school building to get her this week.  I keep myself as busy as possible on my nights off.  I've only been able to be home alone for the entire evening ONCE.  

  • Dating  Nothing serious, but yes, I have been dating.  I am in no way interested in a relationship but I do like the company and well, the attention too.  After years of very little attention, no compliments, and the feeling that I wasn't being even looked at, it does feel good.  Andrew recently said to me "I provided for my family, took care of you and the girls, and made sure you were safe, but I wasn't a very good husband to you.  I know that."  Damn that hindsight.  I see it now and know what I was feeling for a while in the marriage was that of being invisible or worthless at times in his eyes, but I never acknowledged it until now.  For the past few months, I've been casually seeing a guy I met at mutual friend's house.  Both of us are going through VERY similar situations.  For his privacy, I won't give you many details about him.  Let's call him NB (that would be Nonboyfriend as I refer to him as when a friend will say "oh, but he's not your boyfriend").  He's not originally from the US and has a great accent and English words that I've never heard before that he teaches me.  He's funny and charming and I enjoy his company.  He opens the car door for me and compliments me constantly.  God, I forgot how nice that feels.  We talk divorce, our exes and heartbreak, and our children A LOT.  We also go on silly dates like rollerskating, see movies, and laugh over stupid stuff.  I've been out with other guys too, and he always knows (met a hot guy on the airplane coming back from California.  I've met up with Hot Airplane Guy once and may have drinks sometime in the next few weeks).  There is no commitment or jealousy because we're not exclusive and won't be for a long time.  He knows I still love A.  Dating is interesting.  It is both scary and exciting.  I dated last as a CHILD.  Think about it--A and I were 17 when we started seeing each other.  I had some boyfriends in high school before him, but nothing serious.  I never dated in college.  Never dated as an adult.  The first date I went on with NB, I was so nervous.  Getting to know someone new is interesting.  I knew everything about A.  Our history spans across almost half my life.  I didn't need to tell A about my prom night because he was my date.  Now I find myself in that strange still trying to get to know the other and showing your best side stage that I never really experienced before.  The good thing with NB is that with busy lives, kids, and work, we don't see each other that often.  This is good because there doesn't give us that time to become too attached or jump into a real relationship.  I'm light years away from that right now.  This is about as close as I want to get.  We'll see how long it lasts.  

  • Not Relying on Andrew  I'll be honest, I'm not so good at this one yet.  I still find myself wanting to reach for my phone and tell him everything that happened in my day.  I still go to him more than I should.  I know this doesn't really help either of us.  A was my support and rock for so long.  I went to him with everything and relied on him for just about everything.  I took advantage of the way he took care of me and the girls and allowed myself to be blissfully unaware of things he handled.  Now, I'm in charge of the finances, having to do things around the house on my own, and it gets tough.  I trust A completely with our girls and their well being.  We still will text about them daily, but I think we'll hit a point where it will be less of the other stuff too.  We had a long talk Thursday night that I think was really good for us.  I think it helped me turn a corner in how I've been.  Life isn't easy for either of us right now.  I think I finally see and understand how hard this is on Andrew to right now.  I know that he is dealing with his guilt of what this has done to both the girls and me.   I haven't always made it easy on him with holding back biting comments or not throwing the "but this is YOUR fault" slap back in his face.  I'm trying to get better at it because frankly it doesn't help. Our situation is what it is.  My goal this week is to try to only interact with A only about the kids.  To create the distance we both need to help us heal.  

  • Changes in Friendship  I won't go into detail much on this one at all and I ask you not to comment on it please.  It's still very raw, but there have definitely been changes in who my friends are.  Debbie and I no longer speak.  Again, I will not discuss but just know that is why she hasn't been mentioned this summer.  

  •  Being Divorced  Yeah, this is an understatement, but just simply being divorced in it's entirety.  Calling A my EX husband instead of my husband.  I usually say husband still and then find myself stumbling to correct myself and throw that ex in there.  The newness of this is still very fresh.  Until Friday, I have cried every day at some point since the finalization.  Didn't cry Friday or Saturday.  Did today.  That's progress.  Any kind of progress is a step in the right direction. 
So you see, it's all new territory.  It isn't easy but as I've been reminded more than once, this unfortunately isn't the worst life tragedy for me to survive.  This is hard.  Harder than I could have ever imagined, but this is survivable and I will survive it.

I want to take a moment in this blog post to say a huge THANK YOU.  As I've said before, I read every comment I get on this blog.  Your support has meant a lot to me and even though most of the commentors are strangers, I don't feel it anymore.  I recognize your name when it comes to me via email that you commented.  Especially those of you that have been commenting for a long time.  I feel surrounded by so many people, even virtually.  Please know that I appreciate I still have a safe place to journal and write out my feelings.  I'll be honest, I've been very nervous about this blog post and talking about dating.  I am fine with the decisions I'm making for me right now, but I just don't want negative comments or judgment.  However, I realized that most of you who come and read here and nothing but care and support.  So many of you have written that you just want to see me get better and heal.  I think even the dating is a part of that healing process.

So there you have it.  If you survived reading this long long blog post, let me be the first to congratulate and apologize to you.  Guess I had a lot to ramble on about tonight.

Thank you all. 

63 comments:

Stacy said...

Sending you a hug, love, and wishes for a good night's sleep. You ARE healing. Every day, just a little. Even if you don't feel it on certain days. A year from now I'm sure you'll look back in amazement on how far you've come. You're doing it. One step at a time. Goodnight sweet Jenny!

Amy B said...

Thank you for letting us know how you are. Big hugs to you!

BLT2GO said...

I don't often comment, but I've been reading your blog for a long time. Wishing you peace as you figure out your new life with your girls. Changes are hard, but you've managed them with such determination.

Carmen A said...

Jenny just take it one day at a time. Love your girls, yourself, and try to forgive Andrew. In time you will be better, you will be happy again with somebody else. I'm so happy that you are loving your job. I hope you have a wonderful week...

4suns4me said...

I'm so glad to read this and hear how you are healing. I've been wondering some of these things and am glad to hear you are making steps forward, even if they are baby steps. You will continue to move forward and eventually find a place of peace in your life, I am certain. I am so happy to hear that the transition back to the classroom has been so good for you. Continue to take care of yourself and your precious girls!

StephanieG said...

Whether you recognize my name or not, I want you to know how much respect I have for you. I've followed you for some time now, and I am just amazed at the strength you have and the grace you have shown.

Despite the overwhelming grief you feel for Allie's loss, you have still found a way to love and nurture Maggie and Katie.

After the demise of your marriage, you've shown the strength to find a new job, continue your fundraising efforts, and even open yourself to the possibility of a new relationship.

And you've done it all without bitterness or hatred. You are a very classy lady, and I have enjoyed everything you've written.

Even those posts that ooze pain (and some of them do), there is always a glimmer of sunshine behind them.

You are remarkable, and your girls are so lucky to have you as their role model!!

Julia D. Photography said...

Always thinking of you and your girls! Like Tracey, you're one of my heroes.

Kelly Hermann said...

I hope that the passage of time brings you more peace and happiness, Jenny. I know that it is overwhelming to be dealing with everything that comes with your new life, but you are a survivor and I know you will not only get it done but will thrive. You deserve to have someone who not only is your rock but also adores you and shows it. I can only imagine how hard it is for both you and Andrew and I am so impressed that despite that pain, you don't sound bitter when writing about him. That is quite an accomplishment and I hope you're proud of yourself for that.

Kelly

sunneysue said...

I absolutely love your bog. You are one strong woman. You have hit rock bottom, so, there's no place to go but up. There may be turbulance along the way, but you will make it. You are one beautiful woman, have come or are coming into your "own", and those girls? Beautiful. One door has closed, yes, but just wait for another to be opened!!! You have my vote!!! Keep up the good fight.

Duchess said...

Yay Jenny! Good for you. I am sure putting this down on "paper" kind of has to be a bit cathartic and perhaps eye opening for you too! Seeing it all in black and white like that makes you realize just how much you are juggling right now, and what a truly terrific job you are doing of it. When you are living it, all you tend to be able to see is the one ball that does hit the ground, not the 15 others that you are keeping up in the air...know that we are proud of you, we care about you, and are here for the long haul. Life is fluid, and constantly changing. Thanks for showing us the newest landscape.

:-)

tricia said...

Jenny you write so eloquently. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I know this is all so difficult right now but you sound so much stronger,so much wiser and there is a level of peace about you.
There will be days of "going backwards" but hopefully there will be many more days of going forward. You deserve it;the girls deserve it. Enjoy new relationships,explore all opportunities....JUST BE HAPPY!

crazydaisy said...

From Scott household till now still love reading your
blogs. I am cheering you on in this new chapter and
have every bit of faith things will work out well for you, you are one of the strongest people i 'know' with all u have been through, You look so amazing by the way! Hot mama :0

HPTeach said...

I am so proud of you for the tough decisions you are making. Even though you may not feel it, you are a very strong woman! Happy to see you back in the classroom where you have such a heart for the kids and education. Keep going, for you and your precious girls!

LaJodster said...

I am so glad that you are "starting" to heal... As you know it takes time...
Some of your words about not being looked at or paid attention to struck a chord with me, one I hope can be corrected in my life, we'll see!
Keep your chin up and know that your cyber fans are proud of you!
Sending hugs from NJ!
Jody & my puppy Chevy!

Amy said...

I am almost 3 1/2 years post divorce. I just wanted to offer you encouragement. All of what you are struggling with gets easier, and the things that don't (missing my children when they are with their father) I have learned to cope with much better. So hang in there. Take it day by day and always remember what a beautiful, caring, and wonderful person you are - anyone would be lucky to call you a friend or have you in their life. Keep your chin up!

Krista said...

Wow you are an amazingly strong woman! Wishing for great things to come your way!

Stacey said...

Jenny, I know all too much of what you're going through. I could have written this exact post after my divorce. Although I have been divorced 3 years and am remarried (a newlywed), I still turn to my ex more than I should. It has turned around and bit me in the butt when he uses this info against me. I have learned to not treat him as a friend anymore and as my ex husband the kids father. It's hard when I spent a long time with him. You will find that seperation too. It just takes time.

I also know about the friend thing. I didn't lose them after the divorce, I lost them after getting married again. They felt more loyal to my ex and when I got married again they felt like I betrayed everyone. Not sure why but if they wanted to feel that way and go towards my ex, so be it.

It's nice to develop the friendships with the guys you are meeting and who knows what the road ahead will be for you, but at least you are enjoying yourself and rediscovering who you are.

Myshel said...

Jenny,
Glad to see that you are handling everything as best as you can. You always have this way of staying positive and not loosing yourself in the hard times. I respect you so much, and my heart breaks for all of you during this time. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.
Shel

Grady Family said...

Jenny, I am not sure what it is, but always as I read your posts I develop tears. Tears of hope, of happiness and sadness, sometimes just tears of understanding. I have been reading along with you since Allie was diagnosed, watching your highs and lows, and seeing so many parallels to my own life. Your strength through things has often provided me with strength in my own life. You are definitely on a new path with a new job, new titles for yourself, new experiences. I am SO inspired by you and how you have handled everything. There will be speed bumps through the process, but remember it is the learning process you have from the speed bumps that will continue to allow you to grow and heal.
From one of your virtual cheerleaders, keep taking those baby steps and realize just how far you've already come.
Kim

ShanRey said...

Hi Jenny,

I don't usually comment. However, I felt the need to now. I have followed you forever. I was pregnant with my second with you too. My daughter and Maggie are days apart. I have laughed and cried with you. I divorced before you, and have been thru many of the same things you are going thru now. A huge thank you to you for sharing and being so open. Some posts I find myself crying and then sitting and thinking. You are an amazing woman!! Thank you!

timi68 said...

Jenny,
As always, I'm amazed at the strength and courage you always show, no matter what gets thrown your way. I hate, hate, hate what you're going through. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you. You will come out a better person in the end and we'll all be here cheering you on! ((((((HUGS)))))

p.s. My son just started his freshman yr in highschool...he's in honors french (he took it 6,7,8th grade too). When he came home the other day, he said "mom, my french teacher said that at the end of the yr, she takes her french students to France, but only the ones who get an A" lol!!! I immediately thought of you....I'll have to show him the pics of you with your students in French...still have scotthousehold on my favorites...where it's been since May of '04 ( I have a 12 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old...3 months younger than Allie...so yes, you know me...I've been following you forever!!) HANG IN THERE!!

timi68 said...

I meant with your students in FRANCE!! duh! LOL!! :)

Lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lauren said...

Jenny,

Oy, this is my 3rd time trying to comment!!
I've been following your blog since the baby center days...I've always admired your strength and NO one should have had to endure the pain that you have.

You've lived through the worst imaginable. Aliie brought you joy, and as we all know, she left us way too soon. You found a way to work through that pain instead of around it. You are a hero. You are a survivor.

And now life has thrown you yet another curve ball or two...in terms of your friendship with Debbie). The end of these kinds of relationships are deaths of sorts and you will work THROUGH them, too.

I refuse to believe that there are anything BUT happy days ahead for you. You've had your share. You've been through it all and then some. It's your turn now. I was so happy to read that you're not sitting home...I LOVE that you're going out and dating and getting your feet wet in the dating pool...It's not easy. But, you are beautiful- inside and out, and I promise you that I'm cheering you on from afar.

Good wishes and good thoughts don't necessarily have to come from our nearest and dearest. I always say that I'll take it from where ever I can get it :)

There's a whole new world waiting for you..You're young, you're healthy, you're smart, your're ambitious, you're a great mom, you were a loyal wife, you've got it ALL going on. Now go out there and show 'em what you've got!

Good Luck today and always,
Lauren

Amy said...

I lost a big comment I just typed out, so I'll just say that you're cared about and being prayed for!

Domestic Diva said...

I love that you and A are handling the divorce and your kids with such grace! You're girls are lucky in many ways. Its great that you still communicate with A, I can understand why you feel you need to go to him less but really why? He can still be your good friend even though the marriage didn't work out. I obviously don't know all the details but it sounds like you still have a good relationship with A and that says a lot. Who knows maybe you'll find youself dating him again, stranger things have happen in life:). Or not and that is okay too.

Speaking of dating, I think it's great that you got back up in the saddle so to speak. Who cares what others think, you need to do what makes you happy. No one should be lonely and you seem like a ball of energy so it's natural with someone with your personality to want to be with people, have fun and do whatever. Good for you!

I'm glad you are back to teaching, it must be so rewarding to go back to something you were so passionate about. I hope you still feel this way about teaching come summer:). You have a very busy schedule, makes the day go faster huh.

Sounds like you are doing good over all. Keep up the good work!

Lyndsay said...

Just another offering of "nothing but care and support".
It seems from this outsider's view that you are handling this all very gracefully and admirably.
Hang in there Jenny!

Julie said...

I have no words other than, I'm just so so sorry. I know you can do this. I have read your heart since you started blogging about Sweet Allie and you have a strength and grace that will carry you through.

K said...

I am very impressed that you have chosen to not bash Andrew on this blog. We all know you could've ripped him to shreds, but you didn't. We all know you're hurting and are grieving for the death of your marriage, but you have handled the entire blog with dignity and the utmost class.

You deserve to be happy and like the lyrics to the song you recently posted, it will all get better in time.

One thing you didn't mention, and it is certainly no ones business, but has this ended your relationships with Andrew's family? I remember you were very fond of his sister and mother.

GirlyMomma said...

Nothing but best wishes for you and your family, Jenny. Continue to do what makes you happy. It is necessary for sanity!!

Ginny Deegan said...

You are a very, very strong lady. I hope your number of days with tears continue to lessen. You deserve nothing but happiness!

Unknown said...

Life is about enjoying it and being around the people you love and those who make you feel good. I am so very happy that you are in the direction of feeling good. Life always sucks to some degree it's being able to handle those things as best we can with the best people we can place in our lives. I wish all the happiness to you and yours.

Ms. Sarah said...

I think you know yourself best. It sounds like you are making great strides. Lean on those closest to you when you feel like you can't do it. give yourself time to cry if you need to. Have as much fun as you can. You can survive this. You will get through this. Today I have read what seems to have a more upbeat additude. That my dear is progress.

Hugs and Prayers
Sarah

Jo said...

Jenny,

As you know, I have been following your story since two days before Allie passed. I too have a daughter named Maggie, after my deceased great-aunt. Every once in a while my mom will out of the blue ask how you are...I have been so choked up by your news that I haven't told her. But please know that you have touched lives thousands of miles away.

I know wonderful journeys lie ahead from all these life changes and you have inspired me to take risks in my personal life. Sending you good vibes for your new job and that NB becomes someone important in the distant future. Hugs!

Jamie said...

I'm not sure I've ever commented before...but I've been following your blog since Allie was in the hospital. I want to thank you for sharing your very raw emotions with us "strangers"....I went through a divorce 5 years ago, so I can identify with much of what you are saying. Hang in there girl, a brand new exciting, HAPPY life is on the horizon...I just know it!

Robin said...

Sounds like you are on your way! It is weird the whole dating thing. I was only married 10 years and didn't get married until I was 35, but it still doesn't make it any less weird when you finally do it again. All the best to you! Definitely want to hear more about NB and hot guy though :)

Tina said...

I too have been reading your blog for a long time! Thanks for being willing to let us all know what is going on and how you are doing. Your honesty and willingness to share has always meant so much. Knowing that your words may help someone else too! I look forward to seeing what comes ahead in your future! I know it will bring great things!

Austin Area Newborn Photographer said...

... an old supporter/follower form BBC days, stopping by after many years. I think of you often, I love to old pics of Allie and then her sisters now.

Sorry to hear about your recent changes, hoping for the best for you! You look amazing and your daughters are just beautiful.

Tara said...

You are a very strong mother and woman. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this but it sounds like you are finding a way to make the best of it for you and your girls. Please know I continue to pray for your strength to get you through this.

One crazed mommy said...

Wow Jenny - so many changes in such a short time. You are handling it so amazingly well. I know each change, whether good or bad, is hard in it's own way, and you are in my thoughts as you move forward into each new day. As always I'm sending you a big cyber hug from SC and encouragement to stay strong. You rock!

Jenng

Miss Mia said...

Jenny, know so many people (virtual and non-virtual) just love and adore you! Don't worry about anyone judging you- you are your own person and can make your own decisions! You truly deserve the absolute best in life!! I admire you in SO many ways, and have for almost 8 years now. You are amazing, and don't ever think less of yourself :)

maureen said...

I've been following you since Allie was sick. Then I was in middle school and now I'm a junior in college. I've only commented a few times, but your family crosses my mind quite often.

Your ability to be honest and open on your blog is something I really admire. You share the bad but you look forward and find the good in situations.

Though I've never met you. Well, actually we discovered that we were both at the same PAL workshop when you were pregnant with Allie (I sound like such a creep!)Back to the point...your blog makes me feel connected with you and I relate to you even though our lives are both extremely different.

So, after writing a novel of a blog comment...I just wanted to say thank you for writing!

Wendy said...

Jenny,

I haven't commented in a long time, but have checked in on your blog from time to time for years now (fellow Dec '03 babycenter board member). I'm so sorry you all are going through this tough time, but I'm so glad to hear your positive outlook! You seem to be handling this incredibly well, and making very mature and wise decisions for yourself and your girls. Congrats on getting back into teaching, and for the good things that are coming out of this new chapter in your life!

Wendy

snekcip said...

Jenny what a beautiful and well written post. I have the utmost respect for both you and Andrew as you both "trudge" thru this new phase of your lives. Keep smiling, sweetie....it will get better.

Mimi said...

have read your blog FOREVER…..and I love you and your family …….you are doing great with your divorce…..I on the other hand did not…..my ex broke my heart so I had to hurt him….sad I know….I didn’t give him a inch….he only got what the courts said (back then it was only every other weekend) sometimes I think I hurt my children….they do not speak to their dad….he has never laid eyes on his grand children…..some times I feel bad but hey I was hurt (he left me for another women and I DID NOT want my children around her)…so glad you are doing right by Andrew ……..in time the hurt will go away…or get better…..I am remarried and have a wonderful hubby and he loves my children like his own,……as for Debbie it is what it is….again your hurt will go away……..love all of you!

kborgmeyer said...

Jenny,
You are so strong, way stronger then most people that I know and myself. You have been through two of my worst nightmares in your life and you are still here and still a fantastic person/Mom/woman! Thank you for always allowing us to follow your life and beautiful girls! HUGS to you and continued healing!!!

Donna said...

You did it! :0) Sounds to me like you've found the right stride for the moment. Just remember that nobody plans for this and nobody does everything right. Keep it up!

Toes in the sand said...

You are an inspiration. You are strong and yes, you WILL survive. Many days won't be easy, as you know. But surround yourself with those that love and care for you. Cry when you need to, vent too. But don't forget to smile when you can, because you have a beautiful smile and you deserve every happiness this world has to offer.

The girls are so lucky to have you and A. And even though it is not an ideal situation, they will always know they are loved deeply and kept safe. That, in the end, is all that matters.

Hugs to you dear Jenny. You are loved my many.

TX Mommy said...

You are simply amazing Jenny. Chin Up Pretty Girl.

Karen said...

Thanks for the update. I was really worried about you when you announced the break up. But I think you are going to be just fine. You really are amazing.

Kristina said...

I like reading your updates and am so happy you are moving on and going to a happy place!

I've been reading your blog for 5 years now and you are a survivor!

Theresa said...

So much has already been said and there's really not a lot more i could add so i just wanted to say i'm proud of how you're handling so much change in your life, how you and Andrew are working so well together to make sure the girls get everything they need even when it's so very hard for you to be away from them, trust me i know from my own situation not all men after divorce are so interested in their children.
Everything else will get easier in time, you're such a great person with such a beautiful heart there's no way this doesn't have a happy ending.

Busy Mama said...

Thinking of you during this rough transition time.

Angie said...

Hi Jenny! I've said it before (here) and will say it again - all of this is paving the way to happiness and a better life. God only knows why you have to take some of the bumpy back roads to get to your destination, but I do believe that you will look back on this and know that you had to go through it to get to true happiness. You're an amazing gal! I'm thinking of you all!!! Hang in there, darlin'! XOXOXOXO!

Kat said...

Hi Jenny,

I'm so glad you open your heart to us. I check in often to see how you are doing. Keep you chin up. You are doing great!

Mommyroo said...

I don't think anyone can comment on how you are living your life. You are surviving and you should be proud of how far you have come. I have been a reader since the beginning as I have a sept 2003 son. I have read and watched you grow over the years and I just want to say you are an inspiration to me.

Lauren G. said...

Jenny,

Your posts are so honest, respectful, genuine, and reflective. I've been following you ever since Allie got sick, and I have never read a post from you that didn't glow with your inner strength. You have earned enormous admiration from many, many people who would never have the strength to endure the challenges you've faced. And, you have met each of those challenges with grace. I can only imagine how unbearable the pressures of last six months have been for you. The choices you make for yourself are exactly that--choices you make for yourself. You have demonstrated over and over the power of your inner compass. As painful as each step is, you are on a path to an entirely new wholeness. You are an inspiration.

Kelly said...

Sounds like you are handling things in a way that works for you. I'm sure it's tough...but you sound like you are doing very well all things considered! I've been thinking about you and your girls a lot lately, even though we've never chatted outside of the blog world, I feel like I know you. Hang in there and know that you have a lot of people rooting for you!

lightshines said...

Just want you to know that you are thought of. Even though I only know you through your blog you have been an inspiration in my life. I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.

Leslie Burroughs said...

Oh my dear Jenny. I think I might need a glass of wine myself after reading this post. I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Leslie and we met the day Allie was admitted to Med City Children's. My daughter Zoe had been trached that day on her 100th day in the NICU. Of course, I thought my world had been turned upside down until I heard your family's story.

I want to first say that that I have followed every post and laughed and cried with you from a distance. When I read about you and Andrew, I was so utterly in shock. Maybe if you would like, we could meet up for dinner and a drink. I have a very similar situation, although I am almost 3 years ahead of you in it. Chris and I divorced after 10 years of marriage. I learned who my real friends were as well. I went back to work at the hospital, and it had been my saving grace - truly. Space between you and Andrew is going to be so hard but essential. Chris and I came to this same conclusion after shedding many tears. And finally, you go girl on the dating. It will get easier. Don't get serious for a year. It's what all the therapists say. I did not follow this advice and paid for it big. Any way, I wish you well and have thought of you often. Feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Leslie Burroughs
leslieburroughs@att.net

r said...

I accidentally stumbled into your blog. I don't know your story, or what happened, or even who you are. But I know that grieving pain of losing a marriage, rearranging what you once knew and what is, figuring out what to do with the should have beens and the could have beens, and that raw raw pain...and I felt compelled to leave you a comment.

You will survive this.

You will be stronger, tougher, scarred but those scars will remind you of where you've been and how far you've come.

In the thick of it, I did what you did.

Just have to make it through this minute.

Then this hour.

Then the day.

Rinse. Repeat.

Small steps.

You are okay.

You are stronger than you think you are but more than that, you are determined.

How to change a lightbulb, how to manage a checkbook, and wait, what the hell does this tool do again?

Those things you will learn.

Everything seems overwhelming right now, so the small things collide with the big things and you are so exhausted...but know this, some day, your "new normal" will be comforting. Someday, when you've forgotten and you're busy living your one wild and precious life, you'll stop and finally get your 'aha' moment.

It will come. Just hang in there.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Mom to 2 said...

Jenny, I've tried to comment a few times just to say that I'm going through the exact same thing you are. My husband wants a divorce, he's always been distant, I've yeared for his attention, I'm losing weight. When I read your blog, I feel like I'm reading my life, but you write so much better than I do!

I've followed you since the early Allie and babycenter days, never quite as active as I should have been. I thought I was giving myself to my family but I guess it was not enough for him.

I catch myself wanting to turn to him for everything as well, and I feel that will happen until I find someone else to be "my person." I hope to find a NB soon too! I wonder why I want to turn to him b/c he has never and does not now, provide the emotional support that I need and want. No moral support. He brought home a paycheck and did some things with the kids but mostly I did everything else.

Anyway, just wanted to say we are riding down the same path, so if you find yourself around the North Houston area, I'd love to meet you in person!

Claire Hand
The Woodlands, TX
texashand06@yahoo.com

Pipsylou said...

Oh my goodness. I was too busy nearly dying from childbirth to check your blog, and wow, have I missed alot.

Thank you for being so candid and honest...