Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Reaction

Thank you for the love and support last week. It ended up better than I expected and I found myself a little surprised at the end of it all.  Let me explain...

I had a breakdown on Friday afternoon after school.  I was packing my stuff to head to Boyfriend's for the weekend and the reality of the wedding hit me.  I cried.  I called Tracey and cried.  She and I discussed divorce and how we continue to move forward.  She gave me good advice and got me to laugh.  I headed out of town. On the way, I was texting with his sweet mom while stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.  Once I was moving, I called her.  We had a lovely conversation about just about everything--family, love, life. By the time I arrived at Boyfriend's apartment (over an hour and a half later), I was happy and ready to be with him for the weekend.

It was a great weekend.  We played with Bandit, the new puppy (OMG, y'all--seriously the best puppy ever.  More on that another time).  We had a marathon day of watching Psych on Netflix and house training the puppy.  We didn't do much else.  I turned my phone off and focused on our little getaway on his side of town.  We snuggled a lot and talked about our life.  It was perfection.

My girls were dropped off at Boyfriend's apartment by A's mom at noon the next day.  We played with the puppy and came back home to be a family.  It was great. With the exception of tonight and during the day tomorrow, I have my girls until Wed morning which makes me happier than anything.

As I expected, it didn't take long for me to see pictures of A and K's wedding online.  I wasn't seeking them out, but there they were.  Naturally, I clicked on the link. I waited for the hurt.  I anticipated the lump in my throat I would feel seeing the pictures. 

Except, it never came.  I looked at A.  He looks happy.  He was staring at her and smiling.  She looked beautiful.  I didn't feel pain as I imagined.  I smiled. 

It was as if I saw a picture of an old friend and I felt happy for him. 

Huh.  That was not the reaction I figured was coming.  It was peace.  Truth is, I like K.  She's kind and sweet to my kids.  She seems to really love them.  Truth is, A wasn't a good husband to me in a lot of ways.  He hadn't looked at me in that way in a very long time.  Truth is, I wasn't a good wife to A in a lot of ways.  I didn't get butterflies or smile at him that way either. 

Truth is--we're both happier now not married to each other. 

If you had told me two years ago I would feel happy for my ex-husband's new marriage, I would have thought you crazy.  Even a year ago.  OK, maybe even last month when he told me he was getting married.  However, I do want him happy.  His happiness means my children's happiness.  That matters more than anything.  So, here I am a few days later.  He's married.  I'm not hurting.  I'm not upset, jealous, or wishing things were different. 

I'm right where I need to be at this point in my life.  This reaction and understanding of my current life? Yeah, I'm considering that some serious personal growth on my part. 

6 comments:

Jo said...

Oh, Jenny, this is beautiful. I have been thinking of you and following this story, as well as checking for an update from the original announcement. I was reluctant to post because I feel I wouldn't get the words right. I don't have 100% good thoughts and I will leave it at that. I wish you nothing but love and happiness in 2013 and full of the good things you, your girls, and MM deserve. Hugs!

Linda said...

These are the words of a confident, strong woman whose heart is full of love, compassion, and understanding. You continue to be a thoughtful role model for your children. Good for you!

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

I was always told, when the hate, love, or bitterness has turned to neutral... then you know you are and have truly moved on. As I keep trying to explain to others, it's all about perspective! Personal growth is amazing! Keep up the great work

Toes in the sand said...

I am truly in awe of you. I read and felt your strength when you lost your beautiful Allie. I have followed you through this journey called life and I stand in amazement again. You are a very strong woman, Jenny. Your daughters, friends and MM are so lucky to have you in their lives.

timi68 said...

you simply amaze me. We all know you much you were in love with Andrew and to tell us how happy you are for him speaks volumes. You've both been through so much together, now it's time for both of you to find the happiness you deserve!! ENJOY MM AND YOUR GIRLS AND BE HAPPY ALWAYS!!!

Suburban Drudgery said...

Your day will come too...a wedding day for you. A new life with a new man and perhaps children to add to your family.