Happy Feet

Last night was Girls Night Out to celebrate Deb's birthday. It was the usual crowd minus one who we missed. First, it was dinner for delicious food and great conversation.

But the fun really started after when we decided to go to Happy Feet. Debbie and I have been hearing from Jen, Amy, and Megan the glory that is the Happy Feet. So, though slightly leary of going to a place like this at 9:30 at night, we decided to go for it. Driving up, it looks a little shady. No way to see in the windows, just a Happy Feet sign on the door. But, my good friends have assured me it is a wonderful experience and I AM GOING TO LOVE IT.

Skeptical me looked at Deb and asked, "where the hell are we?" OK, it might not have been hell. Might have been an F-bomb. Let me tell you this--it most certainly was an experience. One that had me laughing hysterically and feeling slightly stoned without ever smoking a thing. At one point, Jen said my pupils were two different sizes! I can't guarantee you it was pot, but I promise you that there was a potent fume when we walked in.

Let me paint you the picture--five cushy comfy chairs facing a big flat screen tv. Apparently, you can bring your wine and DVDs too. As we were ill equiped, we spent half the time watching a foreign film and the other half watching a DVD of the 300th episode of America's Funniest Videos. On one wall is a giant picture of the Great Wall of China and Bejing. It looked fairly normal until the lady dimmed the lights and the brillance of this picture came alive. It was completely fiber optics!! With it's changing lights and sparkly scene of the Great Wall, it was mesmorizing. Seriously, I couldn't look away from the thing, leaving my foot massager to say, "Oh, you like!! That Bejing!!" very proudly. There are two massage rooms. You can get just a foot massage or a combo of foot and body massage. Amy, Megan, and I went for the combo while Jen and Deb opted just for the foot massage.

Of course, the lady chose me, the skeptic, to be the first for the body massage. I got up with a grumble of "F---ing Weintraub" and walked towards the room with the Old Chinese lady instructing me to undress. Now, I've had massages before. I love a good massage. But I am used to them LEAVING the room, allowing me the privacy to undress. Oh no, Old Chinese lady didn't care about privacy. When I motioned for her to leave, she laughed at me and in her language once again instructed me to strip down. Um, okay, this is uncomfortable. I did it, but refused to take off my raggity old panties. Just not willing to be totally in the buff with Old Chinese lady staring at me.

Now, once you're naked for a massage, you usually slip yourself discretly under a towel or blanket will the masseuse simply exposes the body part currently being worked on. Oh no, that wasn't happening last night. I had to lay down stripped to my underwear with nothing covering me. It was cold in that room. The massage was good. Old lady had good hands and because we had a language barrier, it was quiet and peaceful. Until she moved my underwear, rammed it up my rear and massaged the butt cheeks. Bit much really.

But what sent me over the edge? When she told me to flip over. Still no towel, no blanket covering me. Just flip over. Begrudgingly, I did so, and she proceeded to rub my BELLY. Um, NO!!! Get your hands off my fat!!

By far, the strangest massage I've ever had in my life.

Then came the foot massage. Soaking my feet in a substance I am unsure of, I sat and watched America's Funniest Videos while Amy and Megan went back for their massages. Amy got someone else and was offered a paper dress cover-up thing. WTF?? Megan got Old Chinese lady and received the same naked treatment. Deb had to skip out and relieve her brother and his fiance from twin duty, and Jen was finished with her foot massage. Hers, she reported, was not quite as good as she was used to. I got the guy who had just done Megan's feet, and she was glowing with happiness. I was optimistic. What I soon learned is that Megan enjoys HARD massages. Like pain. Really, really painful. Me? Not so much. My masseuse? He just instructed me to "Enjoy the pain!!" multiple times as my toes curled, my body tensed, and I cringed loudly. Jen, sitting next to me, was laughing hysterically at my discomfort, with him telling her, "You--no talk to her!! She need to ENJOY THE PAIN!! " and reminding me "OK, you give me five minutes of the pain, it good for you! No pain, no good massage!"

We left Happy Feet and exploded into laughter and quick conversation, giving each other the rundown of our experience. At midnight, there were little choices of where to go to continue to visit. So, what did we do? Went to the Kroger grocery store across the street, bought cupcakes, and sat outside on their outside Starbucks table, examining each others pupils to see if we had lasting effects of the fumes. Megan and Amy's were blood shot and red, Jen had a headache and felt slightly woozy, and as I already stated, my pupils were two different sizes. Whatever that place had going on there, it was some good shit.

Craziness! How I love these girls. Tracey, when you come to town and Jen and Amy giddly suggest Happy Feet, read this post again and think long and hard before agreeing. I'm just saying.