At night, she's been going to bed listening to "Allie's music." This just started about a week ago. She's been struggling to go to bed this summer, and loves listening to this music. Since we started it, she has been staying in her room. She sings and plays in her bed, but she's in her room and not crying.
Recently, Maggie asked me if Allie was real. That was a tough question. Doesn't it make sense though for her to ask this type of question? She's never met Allie. Only seen her in pictures. What she doesn't like is to see a picture of Allie with someone that she knows in her life. "That's MY GAGA." "Well, that's Allie's GaGa too." "Oh, no, Mama, that's MY GAGA." You get the point. It really bothers her.
There is a little girl named Allie (not sure if that is the actual spelling) in the classroom older than Maggie's. On the playground, Allie's teacher called out for Allie to come and line up with the other classmates. No sooner had she said those words, my daughter was tugging at her shirt. "No, Allie not here. She in HEABEN."
The other thing she is asking me a lot about lately is "my own daddy." She wants to know all about my dad. She asks me his name, "Mama, what your own daddy name?" every morning on the way to school. This has become our morning conversation. She knows he was sick and is now with Allie. When I picked her up about a week ago, she immediately launched back into our conversation from the morning. "Mama, I don't like your own daddy. I like my own daddy." I, of course, explained to her that she didn't know my dad but would love him very much because he's her grandpa. She asked again his name, and when I told her Jerry Lawson, she exclaimed, "Lawson like my GaGa!"
It's hard to navigate these conversations. I'm truthful with her and always explain as best as I think I can. She of course doesn't comprehend what happened to Allie (shoot, do any of us really?). I make sure to tell her that Allie had leukemia, and not just because she was "sick." I don't ever want her to think that she will go to Heaven like Allie if I tell her she's sick. She did ask me the other day if she would have leukemia. I couldn't help the quick NO!! that I immediately shouted out before I calmly explained to her that she would never have leukemia. Ever.