Allie's Legacy

It's been three and a half years since our little girl left us. And yet, each day, I am reminded of her presence. This afternoon when "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio, I could nothing but sit still, turn up the sound, close my eyes, and visualize my beautiful baby. However, there are times when I forget just how far reaching her story was. I don't realize just how many people followed her story, cried for her, and fell in love with her blue eyes. And then, I meet someone in the most unlikely of places who had some Allie love.

Take last night. At the NICU holding my sweet little man and watching my best friend holding her newborn little girl in her arms. I was asking the nurse questions about life in the NICU. I am so unfamiliar with this different world. In passing, I made a comment that I didn't know about the NICU, but was familiar with the PICU having had a daughter in the PICU for a few days. With a slight tilt to her head, the nurse asked, "Did you have a website? Are you ALLIE'S mom?" Yes, that would be me.

For the next few minutes, the nurse would randomly say, "I just can't believe I'm talking to you. I can't believe you're here." She told me that she cried and prayed for Allie.

I've had many of these such encounters--at the top of the escalator of IKEA, waiting in line to meet Santa with Maggie, at fundraisers, and even on a cruise ship. Allie's legacy continues on and her story was so far reaching.

Do all two year olds have OCD?

Sheesh. I certainly think our little girl does!!

Even with her 102 degree fever (poor baby tonight!), she still made me go through her routine of every single book (all seven of them) that she makes us read page by page in order of book every night. Just one of her little "things" that she has to have in a day. I sweat, slight OCD tendencies already at two!

Random

1. Maggie was terrible at gymnastics today. She threw fit after fit, chucked her body to the ground, and refused to participate in any activity. We left early with her screaming out the door.

2. Down five pounds as of now.

3. Hoping to lose a minimum of thirty more. Five doesn't sound like so much when talking about all that I really need to lose.

4. Bought new dress today. I have a big underwriting/live auction party in Houston Monday night.

5. Stressed at work. Overwhelmingly stressed. Loving my job, but still stressed.

6. Got to see the babies in the NICU last night. Ella--simply beautiful. Beck--a little old man! Both of them are just wonderful. Getting stronger everyday. Hopefully, they will be coming home soon!

7. My dog stinks. Stinks bad. I've got to get her to the groomer.

8. I worked more than fifty hours last week even with taking a day and a half off. That's a lot of working!

9. I worked out four times last week. That is probably more than I have done the three MONTHS before this month! I'm feeling good too. Don't feel like I'm on a diet at all.

10. If someone else tells me that it's about making a "lifestyle change," I might chuck something at them. I realize it's a lifestyle change. I realize that I have to change my habits. I realize that if I keep eating the same crap I will not have good results. Fully aware of these facts, people.

11 1/2 lbs of pure joy

The babies came today! For a more detailed report, visit Deb's blog. They are just precious. Please send some good thoughts for them that they get out of NICU quickly!

I'll be holding babies soon

Can I tell you how excited I am? Can I tell you how many times I have told Debbie how excited I am?? Tomorrow, my great friend increases her beautiful family by two more little babies. It was a surprise this week to find out that the little ones were coming sooner than expected. She is just getting too big and risking her body with keeping them longer.

I'll be at the hospital in the morning, waiting patiently (ok--not so patiently) outside in the waiting room during her procedure. I told Jen that I am more than slightly jealous that she gets to be in the room. But then again, we're going to have amazing photos of the moment of them entering the world.

Tonight I am thinking of my incredible friend, her awesome husband, and two beautiful children (my gorgeous godchildren). I cannot be more thrilled for you, Deb and Brandon. I'm so happy for the love you two have found in each other and the happiness you bring to us all. Thank you for opening your lives to me and sharing this experience of your twins all the way through. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. And to my godchildren--you're going to be the best big brother and sister these little guys could ever ask for. Aunt Jenny loves you both VERY much!

3 lbs Down---Many More to Go

First week success! Since being called obese, I've kicked it into high gear and gotten my act together. Less than 1550 calories per day, thirty minutes or more of exercise, lots of water and plenty of motivation. And it worked!! I've lost three pounds so far!! I'm so excited!

I'm aching in muscles I didn't know I had. Luckily, I'm no longer limping like I was on Friday! I have more energy. Now equipped with the bodybugg to measure my calories burned, and more personal training sessions, I'm ready to kick some butt!

Oh goodness, I hope I can keep this up!

Out with the Old, In with the New

The Old

The New

My Funny Valentines

I'm not a demanding woman in regards to gifts. I don't need choclates, don't need a present or even flowers that I know will wilt away. I don't give cards and don't expect cards from Andrew. He's got it good, I would say.

For me, Valentine's is just another day (how appropriate that I am doing this a day late, right?) But it reminds me that I am blessed with two amazing loves that I spend my life with every day. And a love that has never left my heart though she is no longer with me. What more can I ask for?

To the man that I love more today than I did 12 1/2 years ago when I first said "I love you"--thank you for being my incredible, loving, caring, hilariously funny, kind husband. I can't believe we're going on nine years of marriage. When I see you, I still feel like the young 18 year old dressed up for prom looking at you with adoration and love. And when I see you with our daughter? You are more handsome, more sexy, more sweet than anything I could ask for. You make my life wonderful, and I'm so lucky that I get to call myself Mrs. Andrew Scott.

To my girl--my sweet little Maggie, you're the best Valentine present in the world. Oh how I love your smiles and hugs. I am so thankful that I get the honor and priviledge of being your mother and seeing you everyday. You light my life and you bring us so much joy.

To my angel--I miss you so badly. And you'll always be my Valentine. No matter what.

By With A Little Help from My Friends

I have the best friends in the world. With facing the hurt of being obese, my blog is filled with love and comments, and my friends have rallied behind me. The support and reminders of "You CAN do it!!" from everyone is resounding and I love it.

And tonight, Larissa forwarded me this. Love her!!

An e-mail forward.....

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 ye ars ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was aroun d. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Be linda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

There is a fine line

"between overweight and obese," my trainer told me last night. "According to the perecentage of body fat you have, you are technically obese."

OBESE.

Now, I've known for quite some time that I have more than a few pounds to lose. I know that I have tried and unsuccessfully failed four diets in 2007. I blaimed it on everything from my job and the amount of time I spend at catered functions, to the stress in my life. Truth is, I didn't stick with anything. I could lose the weight, and did all four times. But I couldn't keep it up.

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love it. It hates my body. Fairly simple.

I know that I am overweight. I know my % of body fat is bad (seeing it last night, I can tell you it is REALLY bad). But Obese? That is like some harsh cuss word for me. Just sounds awful. My trainer and I are just starting to work together. Other than the obese comment, she is really great. I like her style, her energy, and how she more than once encouraged me that I CAN DO THIS. I am scheduled to work out with her twice a week for the rest of the month and then we'll evaluate where I am (and how many more sessions I can afford--that is SO expensive!!)

I can't tell you that I am feeling really encouraged about my current weight situation. I can't tell you that I am excited and motivated that this is the time I am going to keep the weight off. After failing four times last year, I am not confident right now. I CAN tell you that I am willing to try another time and that I don't want to be considered obese. I can tell you that I have the most patient and supportive husband that helps me through these times (even though he can't eat fresh fruit or any raw vegetables so it makes dieting a bit of a challenge in my home).

Here I go again.....

And, a huge, big thanks to Amy for letting me call and cry last night. With three kids and a mild fight involving throwing couscous at each other, Amy still managed to talk to me for close to an hour while I navigated my way through the grocery store searching for food. Her sheer compassion as she heard me sob (having made it through the entire trainer session without crying and falling into a heap of tears the moment I got in my car) reminds me that I am so very lucky to have her in my life. Amy--thank you, thank you. I truly appreciate what you did for me last night.

"Wanna play Play Doh me??"

With a tilt of her head and a stroke of your arm, Maggie gently asks me two or three times daily, "Wanna play Play Doh me??" Really, how do you resist that? How can you say no to the cutest that is my little girl? It's really damn hard, I promise you that.

Our sweet little one is talking like crazy! Her language skills have exponentially grown in the last month. She speaks in complete sentences. She can very clearly express her needs. She has great manners--saying thank you without prompting and working on "yes ma'am" and "yes sir." She knows our names, even calling me Jenny the other day! She knows the "real" names of many of her loved ones--Mama, Daddy, Ga Ga, Mom Mom, Bobby (though she refuses to say Debbie!), Nana, Papa Jim (not a hard one there!). She likes to go through the lists of all her family and talk about their relationships to her.

It's amazing to me to watch her grow in this way. I love this little girl so very much. She is a treasure every day. She brings us more joy than I could have ever imagined, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

Our nights are filled with fun and laughter. Some things Maggie is currently into:

**Wiggles!! Her love for Dora the Explorer has been replaced by four grown Australians. She is obsessed with the Wiggles and watches every day.

**Pigtails! She requests "piggie tails" every morning for her hairstyle. And then she prances in front of the mirror to show off her great do.

**Princesses. Maggie loves to dress up. We play "Princess Maggie" every night. Her favorites are Belle and Snow White, or BelleSnowWhite in our household. She has them as small figurines, Barbies, and baby dolls. She likes to carry all of them together and take them with her places.

**Her "Sparkle Shoes"--with two different colors to choose from, Maggie is rarely without a pair of glitter ballet flats on her feet. She wears a school uniform everyday (it's so cute!!), so I let her choose her shoes. Hot pink sparkle shoes are usually the pick of choice, though I can convince her to go red that match her uniform at least once or twice a week.

And more than anything else right now...

**Her Daddy!!! She told me the other day when I went to get her in the morning, "No, I don't want you. I want my DADDY!!" She turns to me every day and tells me tht Daddy needs to do whatever it is she is wanting. She squeals with delight at the very sight of him. She snuggles up to him every night, nestled in his arms. She refuses kisses and love from me, but welcomes him whole heartedly. What a Daddy's Girl!

She points out to us on a daily basis that she is NOT a baby--she's a girl. A HOT Girl.

Everyone Needs a Ga Ga!

With the both of us sick and more than slightly miserable, Andrew and I have struggled with parenting this past week. Well, maybe this past month, who knows? Andrew's issues actually turned out to be a severe sinus infection that was blocked up under his eye sockets and causing what he described as the most painful headache of his life. He went to the doctor on Thursday and got loaded up on meds. Of course, I've been a mess too and not feeling well.

So where does that leave Maggie? With tag team parenting that was sketchy at best. We played the game of who feels worst and who was able to do things like bathtime and stories. Most of all, we relied on the help of my mom.

I've been told by many people that they don't have what we have. They don't have this amazing relationship with their mother. Or the relationship between the grandmother and grandchild. Because, let me tell you, it is complete and utter adoration. These two are so very close. Maggie has her own room at Ga Ga's!! Compound that love with that of Mom Mom too, we have one spoiled little Munch!

Twice this week, we called on my mom in sheer misery to take Maggie for a little while. Without even a second thought or a complaint, Mom took Maggie. And I was able to sleep, rest and get better. Which I am, slowly. I have more of a voice then I've had in days.

And the thing is? If I need her another time, I know she will be there. I know that she does it purely out of love for me, Andrew, and sweet little Maggie. She loves this little girl so much. And we couldn't be more lucky than to have her in our lives. Maggie loves her Ga Ga!!