Lullabies for a Peaceful Rest

The night I brought Allie home from the hospital, I put a CD in my alarm clock/CD player to rock her to bed. I remember holding my newborn, my beautiful little gift, and gently rocking to the music. She listened to it every night. She spent three nights in the PICU without the CD before I sent someone to our home to get the CD player. That night, she slept much more peacefully.

The nurses came to love the soothing music. Several even went and purchased it to have for their own children. When the music would start in the evening, Allie's breathing would calm, her body would relax, and she would easily fall asleep. The night Allie died, we were surrounded by the sounds of the CD. It brought us comfort and peace to be with something Allie loved so much. When guests entered her memorial service, they immediately heard the sounds of Allie's lullaby CD.

I haven't listened to that CD much since her death. However, it has remained in it's same location, safely in my CD/alarm clock. The case is on Maggie's bookshelf (once Allie's), but the CD sits still in its place where it last played for Allie. When Maggie was born, I tried to play it for her. She likes silence to go to sleep. She doesn't want any noise whatsoever. So it was not for her.

Last night, when I was alone in bed, something drew my hand towards the play button. I don't know where the impulse came from,but I just had to hear those songs. I laid in the dark as the piano began to play "I Can Only Imagine." It was immediate. It took me back so quickly. Instead of being in my dark bedroom, I was immediately taken back to room 1203. I could hear the beeping of her IVs and the sounds of her pulse/ox monitor erroring because she was moving around too much.

I stayed in my bed and listened to the entire CD. I was surprised how I remembered all the words. It's been more than four years since I first listened to that CD. And yet, last night, it was like it was yesterday. Andrew was in the other room watching TV, so I was alone in the room with my thoughts. The entire time, I thought of my Allie. Her life, her legacy, and the loved ones she left behind. With the last few weeks being intense at work to have both Heroes and Handbags events in Dallas and Houston, Allie has been heavier on my heart than even normal days. Maybe it was the desire to be even closer to her last night that made me play the CD.

It wasn't until final song on the CD, my favorite of all of them, that I allowed the tears to flow. I can't tell you how many times I sang that song with Allie. I can't tell you how many times I comforted her pains by gently rocking with her to that music. But I can tell you that they all rushed back to me last night. I felt the weight of her body on my chest as if she was actually there. And all I wanted to do was gently place my face up against hers like I would when she was sick.

It might be a long time before I listen to the songs again. But between now and then, I know I will be thinking of my sweet girl many times.