And tonight, Larissa forwarded me this. Love her!!
An e-mail forward.....
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 ye ars ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was aroun d. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Be linda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
7 comments:
Someone sent me that email when I started working out to lose weight for our vow renewal, I printed it out and put it on my corkboard. I love that email!
I have 50 pounds to lose before our 10th anniversary in October! I am not sure it is going to happen. I am not good at sticking to diets. Exercise I do fine with, but diets not so much (I guess that is a dead give away, or I would not have 50 pounds to lose huh?)
Just stick to it! You can do it!
Have a great day!
Marla
OK, I've seen pictures of you, that's all, but good grief, if you are obese, then I'm probably MORBIDLY obese. I just don't think that's a label that fits you, no way.
But I know I'm playing head games with myself about all this, too. Somehow being under 200 lbs has been my criteria for "not really all that fat"... even though the size 16s, the "fat pants" I bought for comfort, are now feeling tight, and I'm inching ever closer to that mark of horror. I'm only 5/3", so this is worse for me than for someone taller.
Reading about your day with the trainer is demotivating me to get the trainer session in gear at the gym this week == I'm starting a wellness walking program through my university, and thought I'd schedule one of those sessions soon. No freakin' way now! There's no way I need some skinny college wench telling me I'm obese, too. I can see how much it has motivated YOU... like tears and shame are a good thing? Ugh!
Maybe once I lose 20 lbs...
You had good luck on South Beach awhile back, right? I'm thinking of rejoining weight watchers. I did well on it just before I got pregnant with my kids 8 years ago... which was the ultimate in demotivation, trying to get pregnant. The irony is that I joined WW when I was the weight that could now reasonably be called my goal weight. Sad but true. If I could get back to the weight I was the day I walked into WW, I'd be happy.
But I earned TENURE this year, woohoo! What's 20lbs (on top of the 40 I wanted to lose last year) to a lifetime of job security and getting to teach kids about postmodern irony every semester? I published three essays! I raised a bunch of money to fight leukemia! I did a whole lot of stuff, and what I did generally pales in comparison to all the cool things you do for other people every single day. Then there's that whole motherhood and wife thing, too... we are pretty much the heroes of the universe. We should just love on ourselves all day long. But I really want to get back into my skinny jeans...
We can do it. We've just had other stuff to do in the meantime, like growing older, wiser and more important to the universe. Maybe some of that growth inevitably involves a bit of sitting on our expanding butts.
I know one thing for sure, though. It's Valentines Day, and I have Belgian chocolates hidden in my desk with my name all over them. I'm going to shelve all this angst for at least another day. The walking thing starts on Monday.
Happy V Day!
Hi Jenny, I have seen that email before and I LOVE it! I am doing the Couch to 5k training program and I found a podcast to listen to and I felt exactly like the woman in the email. The first few minutes I was all happy and excited and by the end of the run I wanted to strangle the guy.
I'm also in the "obese" category (although from pictures I've seen of you, you have a lot less weight to lose than I do) and can't wait to just get into the "overweight" category. That just sounds so sad to me! I started my blog to help me out and it's been amazing. I've lost 14.4 pounds in the past 11 weeks, and have 73 more to go I think. But I still struggle with the "you've never done it before, why should this time be any different??" Hang in there. You CAN do it!
Jenny - I feel ya, girl. In fact, I started my own blog in January which is dedicated to my weight loss. Feel free to check it out!
http://size8in2008.blogspot.com/
You'll do great with a trainer. It's difficult to know you have to go from Obese to a healthy weight, but don't get discouraged! Most of us are in the same boat!
I love this email- hilarious.
And girlfriend, you are so not obese. Pu-lease.
I loved working out with the trainer, although I never got the "you are obese" speech. And I eventually loved exercising too. Imagine that?! But no exercising for me now, since I'm knocked up and having some medical issues. Once those issues are worked out, I will be back at the gym- it helps me keep my sanity.
Good luck! Lisa
OMG you are so not obese! Your are so beautiful!! I do know the struggles of trying to lose the weight tho! That email is HILARIOUS! LOL! Thanks for sharing it! Last June I started weight watchers (I know you have done it and have had success with it) and I am loving it. So far I am down 64.4 pounds and would like to lose about another 35 pounds. So yeah, as you can see at one time I was in the "Obese" category too. Now I am just overweight, and honestly I have never been happier:) LOL!!
Good luck to you sweetie, and I think you are beautiful no matter what!!
Oh here is a link to my weight loss blog, visit if you would like!! :)
http://hotskinnymomwannabe.blogspot.com/
Stacie
I'd give anythig to be "obese" and look like you. You are beautiful
I on the other hand have stacks of medical records with big red writing on the top page MORBIDLY OBESE....I just want to stab their eyes out, or sit my morbidly obese ass on them until their eyeballs pop out of their sockets
not bitter though
http://www.xanga.com/Littleoldladyinashoe
Post a Comment