Allie's 9th Birthday

Getting in the holiday mood with my babies!

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Thank you for the love and support last week. It ended up better than I expected and I found myself a little surprised at the end of it all.  Let me explain...

I had a breakdown on Friday afternoon after school.  I was packing my stuff to head to Boyfriend's for the weekend and the reality of the wedding hit me.  I cried.  I called Tracey and cried.  She and I discussed divorce and how we continue to move forward.  She gave me good advice and got me to laugh.  I headed out of town. On the way, I was texting with his sweet mom while stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.  Once I was moving, I called her.  We had a lovely conversation about just about everything--family, love, life. By the time I arrived at Boyfriend's apartment (over an hour and a half later), I was happy and ready to be with him for the weekend.

It was a great weekend.  We played with Bandit, the new puppy (OMG, y'all--seriously the best puppy ever.  More on that another time).  We had a marathon day of watching Psych on Netflix and house training the puppy.  We didn't do much else.  I turned my phone off and focused on our little getaway on his side of town.  We snuggled a lot and talked about our life.  It was perfection.

My girls were dropped off at Boyfriend's apartment by A's mom at noon the next day.  We played with the puppy and came back home to be a family.  It was great. With the exception of tonight and during the day tomorrow, I have my girls until Wed morning which makes me happier than anything.

As I expected, it didn't take long for me to see pictures of A and K's wedding online.  I wasn't seeking them out, but there they were.  Naturally, I clicked on the link. I waited for the hurt.  I anticipated the lump in my throat I would feel seeing the pictures. 

Except, it never came.  I looked at A.  He looks happy.  He was staring at her and smiling.  She looked beautiful.  I didn't feel pain as I imagined.  I smiled. 

It was as if I saw a picture of an old friend and I felt happy for him. 

Huh.  That was not the reaction I figured was coming.  It was peace.  Truth is, I like K.  She's kind and sweet to my kids.  She seems to really love them.  Truth is, A wasn't a good husband to me in a lot of ways.  He hadn't looked at me in that way in a very long time.  Truth is, I wasn't a good wife to A in a lot of ways.  I didn't get butterflies or smile at him that way either. 

Truth is--we're both happier now not married to each other. 

If you had told me two years ago I would feel happy for my ex-husband's new marriage, I would have thought you crazy.  Even a year ago.  OK, maybe even last month when he told me he was getting married.  However, I do want him happy.  His happiness means my children's happiness.  That matters more than anything.  So, here I am a few days later.  He's married.  I'm not hurting.  I'm not upset, jealous, or wishing things were different. 

I'm right where I need to be at this point in my life.  This reaction and understanding of my current life? Yeah, I'm considering that some serious personal growth on my part. 

Meet the new man in my life

This is Bandit. He's a mutt that Boyfriend  adopted a week ago. 8 weeks old and I'm completely in LOVE

Just days after I wrote about things before just great in the moment, I got an email right before my 8th period class.  I knew it was coming soon.  I wasn't surprised by it, but it shook me.  Andrew is getting married.  Next weekend in fact.  He and his girlfriend have been together since the Spring and they got a house with my girls and her sons this summer.  She's a kind woman I've met once who seems kind to my children.

I don't love A anymore.  I don't hate him either.  Most days, I no longer think of him beyond if there is something going on with our children.  However, it wasn't easy at first to think of the man I loved for over 16 years of my life becoming someone else's husband.  The man I thought I would grow old with didn't love me.  It's not that he couldn't love--he couldn't love ME.

I haven't written about this because frankly, it's not my story to write about.  Even now, I am trying to keep my opinions (and sure I have more than a few) to myself.

I've adjusted to the news and I'm ok.  Not hurting or upset.  I don't particularly like sharing my children in the manner I do.  I don't like that another woman does mother/daughter type activities with my babies or that they now have another mother figure in their life.  Sweet Maggie informed me that she does not want to call her any kind of Mom type name.  She loves her very much but says that I'm Mama.  I told her very honestly that I appreciate it and I would get my feelings hurt if she did.  I also said I believed her dad would not like it if they ever called Boyfriend any type of dad name.

The most important thing in all this is that my children are happy.  They love their life with me in our home.  They love their life with their dad.  A and I worked very hard to make their lives happy and not stressed from the divorce. 

So, next weekend, A will marry K.  My children will stand by happily and will never know anything but the happiness of it all.  I will escape to the other side of the DFW metroplex for the weekend and stay in Boyfriend's bachelor pad.

Life will continue.  As it always does. 

Katie's Horse

Me and my mini-me

Someone is turning seven this week!

In the Moment

Please allow me this moment to enjoy the current happy that is my life. I know how easily it can change, but right now, in this moment, I am perfectly happy with the life, people, and work I have been blessed to have.

I was sitting at my desk this morning smiling to myself during my conference period.  It was a strange feeling and not always one I always have.   

Happiness
Contentment
No desire for anything more or less
Satisfaction  

Life is good these days.  The bolded sentences above are my current Facebook status.  As I sat there this morning, I wondered, how long will this last?  How can I hold on to this happy and what is different?  Then it hit me, I just need to enjoy it.  I don't know how long it will last.  I don't know what will happen next and I can't plan it out as much as I try.  I can't predict what will happen next or will be around.  What I can control is how I enjoy and appreciate what I currently have.  This moment?  It's real good.  There's nothing fancy or significant happening.  No major life changes that have occurred.  As my friend De calls it, it's a "happy hum" of my life.  It's regular every day stuff of life that is moving smoothly and happily. 

There is much to be grateful for in my life.  Here is the happy hum of my life--

My happy, healthy, funny little girls who are growing up in front of my eyes make everything happy.  Maggie is thriving in first grade, loving her new school.  She is in gymnastics, dance, and starts Girl Scouts tomorrow.  She turns SEVEN at the end of the month (can you believe it???).  She started earning an allowance about three weeks ago and has been contributing to our household more and more with chores.  I pay her up to $3 a week based on criteria we decided was best for her.  As she has always been, Maggie is my snuggly one.  She can curl up with me and give love like no other.  Katie?  That girl barely stops moving to give a quick hug and she keeps on going!  Katie is ever our wild child.  She makes Maggie and me laugh so much with the funny little things she comes up with.  She's growing faster than I would like, already wearing size 5T and not even three (she's my TANK).  She's a smart little thing too.  Life with Maggie and Katie is always a little crazy, a lot of fun, and full of love. 

My job continues to be the stability I needed and the daily challenge I love.  Being around teenagers every day keeps me on my toes.  I teach two grade levels (4 seventh grade classes and 2 eighth grade classes).  Each class period is different  They can be exhausting and boisterous while other classes can be sweet and quiet.  I'm constantly busy around here.  I am the dept head for foreign language as well as the co-sponsor of National Junior Honor Society. Being my second year, I've found it much easier to know and plan.  I know what's coming up next in the curriculum.  I understand things like policies better.  I've made some really good friends here at school too. 

Our new home is perfect for us.  We went from 3,200 square feet that I couldn't keep up with and made me go into debt to 1,500 sq feet that is way more manageable.  My last electric bill at the house?  $485.  This month in the townhome?  $122.  The girls share a bedroom and have pink bunk beds (painted by my mom!).  My landlord is kind and generous, as well as very responsive to any needs we have.  We live in a quiet townhome community which I love.  It feels more like a home than an apartment complex would.  Very safe and surrounded by older people who are always out walking dogs and talking.  My expenses have significantly decreased. Hopefully, I will stabilize soon and begin to take care of some of the debt I created in 18 months of trying to keep my head up in the old house as well as being crap at finances (let's be honest, I wasn't very good and I'm getting there.  Almost).  Settling into the townhome has been the best thing for us.  I don't miss that big burden of a home in the least.  I have nothing but happy memories in the townhome and all things belong to ME.  It's my space and my happiness with the girls.

Military Man and I are doing great, as you saw from my last post.  This week, our date was a movie at an old lounge style movie theatre and sushi (our favorite).  On the drive home, we cranked up music and were yelling and dancing in the car, just acting plain stupid (ok, me more than my reserved MM).  We were laughing hysterically.  He came to bring lunch for me and my two closest work friends yesterday.  I love having him come into my world here at school a bit.  The 8th grade girls, of course, freaked out that my boyfriend was in the building.  Even they call him Military Man!  They swooned and whispered and then came to me after he left the school to say to tell me he's very good looking and they approve.  Good thing I got the approval of 13 and 14 year old girls!  Silly girls. 

Yeah, I like this moment.  I like my happy hum. 

A Year with Boyfriend

Some days, it feels like I just wrote this blog post about being in a relationship. Except, I didn't.  It's been a year. WOW. 

Today,  Boyfriend and I celebrate our one year anniversary.  We decided October 4th, the date of our first date together, was officially our day.  Last night (I don't have kids on Wednesday nights), we went to dinner in downtown Ft. Worth and ate a decandent meal at the Reata.  We snuggled up at a jazz lounge and laughed and talked.

Some things I've learned dating the Boyfriend over the last year--

• An ADD woman and a slightly anal retentive man can on occasion stress each other out.  Said neat freak man will sometimes feel overwhelmed in the chaos that surrounds the not so neat freak woman (ie--my car!)
• Dating as two divorced people with kids is just plain TOUGH.  No easy way to say it.  There are schedules, kids activities, kids emotions and understanding (and often lack of understanding given that divorce is such a painful and difficult situation that adults often don't understand). However, so very worth it. 
• Wednesday night date nights are THE BEST.  We love our date nights.  They aren't elaborate, usually just a dinner and relaxing on a patio somewhere or home early for a movie on the couch, but they are always special.  We make sure we place priority on having at least one night a week that is just for us.  In the chaos that is our schedule and our lives, we need this so much. 
• No weekends together are exhausting.  We have lots of time apart.  This does mean that a weekend together is much anticipated and we make the most of our time.  Our next weekend is the third weekend of October.  Last night, we scoped out a restaurant we want to try in downtown Ft. Worth and have plans with our friends Nikki and Kevin to go to the fair (where we had our second date).  I can't wait!
• Having the car door opened for you never gets old.  I had to adapt to this, especially with getting out of the car.  He is old fashioned in that he likes to come around and open the door for me to get out.  In the beginning, I would remember once every four or five times to sit and wait instead of opening it myself. Now, he says he has me trained for it (though I'm going to let myself out at the grocery store or Walmart--that's just plain silly). 
• Walking into the room and having someone stop and notice you is intoxicating.  Boyfriend makes me feel so beautiful, even when I have no makeup on and I'm in yoga pants.  He reminds me constantly that he is attracted to me and that he feels lucky to be with me.  Last night, I dressed fancier than our usual jeans and a top Wednesday night date.  I did my hair and wore a short black dress with high heels.  When I walked out ready to go, he stopped and gushed.  All night he would look at me, smile, and mutter "gorgeous." That feeling?  Indescribable. 
• Communication is KEY!  With as much time away as we have, talking or texting is essential.  We share everything and we don't feel afraid to share feelings. 
• We both have our baggage that we've brought with us from our past.  The older you get, the more baggage you collect along the way.  We work through things together and share when something is affecting us.  We've worked through the big things.  We went through the first year post divorce and all the emotions that came along with it, especially for me.  I can't tell you how many times I have cried on his shoulder for something and how many times he held me through it. 

Most importantly, after a year with my  I've learned that my life is better because he is in it. 

Love you, babe!

Saying goodbye to September

Bye.  See you.  Au revoir.  Adios.  Hasta la vista. 

GOODBYE SEPTEMBER. 

In a nutshell--this past month has kicked my ever loving ASS.  However, it's September 30th.  I don't have to see September on my calendar for another 12 months. 

And in the end, I survived it all--back to school insanity, the adjustment of my workload which has been a lot lately, Allie's anniversary, chairing the Heroes for Children 5K Run/Walk, and a few other things I'd rather just leave behind with the month. 

It's all good.  Moving forward and loving the girls, Military Man, and what the future has to hold. 

TRUTH

First day of school 2012

Moved!

Healing

If you've been a follower of this blog for a while, you know that dates on the calendar mean a lot to me. I can be rendered unable to function, stricken by sadness, from a particular date. September 13th is and may always be my worst day of the year. The day my beautiful baby died (can it really be almost 8 years???) in my arms. December 17th--Allie's birthday. April 4th--my father's death. May 3rd--the day the world stopped when we heard our baby might have leukemia. There are also those happy dates in my life that bring immeasurable joy too. 

So, you would think that August 9th would be a new added calendar date for me to get anxious over. August 9, 2011, I walked into a courtroom and finalized my divorce.

I didn't realize I had past the one year mark of my divorce until the day after because I was having too much fun that day with the people I love most in the world.

A former coworker of mine let me use their family condo last week in Rockport, TX.  The girls, Boyfriend and I made a seven hour drive down to the coast.  It wasn't always a perfect vacation and had it's moments of stress (hi, we took a toddler on a road trip.  Enough said), but it was a good week overall.

On the day of the one year mark, we took the girls to Corpus Christi for what ended up being my favorite day of the entire summer.  We spent six hours at the Texas State Aquarium.  The dolphin show was first up, completely soaking us head to toe!  The girls were a mess of giggles afterwards and we spent over thirty minutes watching the dolphins in the underground viewing area.  Sissy was most fascinated by the otters.  The kids had Boyfriend and me in tears laughing so hard watching them play at the splash pad.  At one point, I tweeted that my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.  Dinner afterwards was perfect.  Maggie hugged me throughout the day, declaring it the best of her summer.  She thanked us profusely for taking her and even willingly went to bed early, tired from the day's fun.

It wasn't until the next day as we were driving home that I started thinking about all that I need to do before I go back to work on August 20th.  I was thinking of everything that I need done with the house, the Heroes for Children 5K, play time with the kids, etc.  I began mentally preparing my to do list as I was driving (poor MM had to work on his laptop the entire drive down and back).  I wanted to figure out how much time I had left and thought hard about what day it was.  Then it hit me.  It was August 10th.  I didn't even remember the August 9th date.  I hadn't obsessed about it or allowed it to become another date that made me anxious.  I didn't notice. 

That, my friends, is HEALING.

My little gymnasts

Hmmmm.....

I've had this opened for 20 minutes.  Stare at the screen.  Watch Big Bang Theory.  Stare at the screen.  Check Facebook. 

I have no blog topic.  Hmm....

So, for now, I'll just say HI *waving to everyone*

Independence

This is from a series of tweets I did on Friday morning--

It's taken me over 18 months since my ex left, but I'm finally feeling like a much more independent woman who doesn't need a man to help 

I was completely dependent on my ex-husband. When he left, I was terrified because I thought I needed him to make it. Finding I just need ME 

Now, I've learned that I don't need a man or anyone else. I need me and #Igotthisshit. #independentbitch

(almost done, I promise)...and while I don't need a man, I really like the one I've got. I want him in my life. Much healthier balance.

Lately, with the house on the market, home with the kids, stressed out about what will happened next, I've done a lot of self reflection.  I've thought about how different it is from before.  As I said in that tweet, I was completely dependent on A.  There was so much that I was fully reliant on A to get done for our home or family.  I didn't even try.  I wasn't a good wife in a lot of respects.  I see the stress I put on him for that. I see that I put everything into my work at Heroes for Children and my time as a mother that I didn't do other things.  He complained at times and I would try. 

It took A leaving me for me to become the woman he wanted me to be. 

Now, it all falls to me. Boyfriend helps when he can, but it's not always something that he can do given our time apart.  If the yard needs mowed, I have to do it if he can't get over here.  I handle everything regarding our finances, home maintenance, decisions with the house, activities with the kids, etc.  I'm bone tired by the end of the day and doing a little more stress eating these days.  It's liberating though. Funny how that works though--I think if he hadn't left me, I wouldn't have changed.  I might have stayed that wife/woman I was before and not bettered myself or my family.  It would have been too easy to stay the same (because, let's face it, change is HARD).  Now, I know I'm a better woman because of the work I've been forced to do on myself.

Boyfriend hasn't been around here much.  Due to conflicting kid schedules (I have not yet met his daughters), times out of town and his hectic work life right now, time with  him is sparse.  When we are together, we have fun and enjoy the girls.  I should see him once or twice this week and the girls and I spent a very rare weekend with him which was great. 

I've discovered I CAN do this.  

"I've got this shit" has been my mantra for over a year and a half.  Some days, I didn't actually believe it.  It was a weak statement or almost a question "I got this shit?" all while thinking I didn't really.  Now, I know I do.  I can do this.  We will hopefully move in the next 30 days (send all your good vibes, mojo, happy thoughts, prayers, etc as some things are in the works with the house) and start off on our new adventure together.  I'm excited to have a new home that is for me and the girls.  Something little that I can maintain easier and have more financial stability.  I will get rid of my minivan to hopefully lower my outrageous car payments (long story but there is so much UGH there!).

I'm an independent woman now who is loved by a wonderful man and has two happy, healthy kids.  I've got this shit.  

Refresh

For most people, January 1st marks a fresh start.  It's a time for new year's resolutions and starting over.  For me, my year is more summer to summer.  Maybe it's the teacher in me that likes the fresh start at the beginning of the school year.  More specifically though, it's from one week of Camp Discovery to the following the next summer.

It's my refresh button. 

Going to Camp Discovery has now been my summer tradition for eight summers.  I have served as the Arts and Crafts Director since I was pregnant with Maggie. I'm not particularly crafty or artistic, but I can run the room and help the kids make some cool projects. I love it.  I'll be honest--I have the cushiest job at camp.  I get to be in an air conditioned room all day.  I see all cabins and visit with all the kids throughout the week.  I don't sleep in a cabin bunkhouse with kids and I don't have a lot of stress.  The arts and crafts people work really hard and we help out throughout the week with other things such as running a game during night activities or being on the clean up crew for most nights.  It's the best. 

Each year, it's a reality check.  Life has been tough for me in various ways, but it's NOTHING in comparison to what some of these kids have been through. I feel like I've focused more on my stress lately.  There has been plenty, but truthfully, I can't complain. 

I have my health.  My children are healthy and happy.  They're thriving.  I have a great career.  I have love.  I have strong friendships that I appreciate.  My mother, grandmother, and brother are a source of strength, comfort, and support. 

The button has been pressed.  REFRESH

Top Ten Reasons This Summer Is Better Than Last

This summer is full of STRESS.  Lots going on and so much that consumes both me and Boyfriend. However, it is by far a million times better than last summer.

Here's ten reasons why--

1. I don't hurt so badly that it hurts to breathe anymore.  I am happy and have found peace. 
2. Maggie isn't having 8 to 10 meltdowns a day over every.little.thing. because she can't process her emotions from the divorce.  She's a happy child who daily gives love and kisses. 
3. I am in love. 
4. Paris reminded me why I love the French language and teaching others to love it so much. 
5. There is a beach vacation on our horizon!
6. Life still has many uncertainties around here, but they are easier to deal with than the ones of last summer. 
7. Boyfriend was swimming in the pool with us at the annual fourth of July pool party.  There were a few moments I just stopped and smiled watching him with the girls
8. Pinterest entertains me when it's quiet in the house at night.  
9. Katie is freaking hilarious and keeps Maggie and I laughing at all times.  
10. After a month of being terrified of the water, Maggie started swimming this week!  Maybe now she'll actually let us use our pool more! 

This summer--just the beginning.  So much more to come!

Summer Schedule

It's summer time in full swing around here.  For the second summer, I'm home with my babies!  It's an added perk of being a teacher.  I was gone for a week in Paris (still owe a blog post about how great the trip was) and I will be gone a week for cancer camp while the girls take a family trip with A.

The rest of the summer is Camp Mom.  We're babysitting a friend's two girls four weeks hanging here at their house.  It helps me because it keeps us out of our home and not messing it up for showings and it makes a little extra money.  A former coworker offered me her family's condo on the beach in Rockport, TX, so the girls and I are escaping for five days and we can't wait!

To help break up our weeks, I found a fun schedule on Pinterest.  Yes, I'm a Pinterest addict.  Each day has a theme and it's really helping.  Maggie and I love the routine and the fun of knowing what each day is.  Here is our schedule--

Make Something Monday--Craft time!  This week, we made this homemade gumball machine.  Decided that since Mama doesn't allow gum in the house, we would make it an M&M dispenser.  It was a big hit! Thinking of this craft for next week.  We'll see!

Time to Read Tuesday--Story time at the public library! Took some extra time to read at tables and then checked out a few books.  Maggie loves all things American Girl, so we have the book about Lanie right now.

What's Cooking Wednesday--Baking or cooking of some sort.  Last week, it was a sprinkle cake.  This week?  NUTELLA COOKIES. Make these.  Trust me.  The kids devoured them!  Next week,

Be Thoughtful Thursday--This is a time to think about others.  Write notes, volunteer (need to figure out something we can do with little ones), and have meetings for Heroes for Children.  They have gone with me two weeks in a row to have HFC meetings and Maggie and I discuss helping others as we drive there.  Today, the girls all wrote a note to someone they love and included a picture.  The friends we're babysitting did their mom since she's out of town this week.  Sweet Maggie chose her GaGa and Mom Mom (my mom and my grandma) who she adores. 

Somewhere Fun Friday--Last week, it was the local splash pool.  Tomorrow, it's a playdate at Tracey's.  Each week, we're choosing somewhere fun to go and play.  This is so nice because it's eliminated Maggie's begging to go somewhere every day.  I don't have the money for that!  So, with this, we are able to find fun things to do.

This schedule is a life saver!  It has turned our summer into something really great and smooth. Each day, we have rest/nap time.  Katie naps for a good two to two and a half hours.  She plays so hard and is so wild that she crashes hard too.  Maggie can watch TV, color, play quietly in her room but it has to be a quiet time for her as well.  I can work on the computer, clean the house, and sometimes I sneak in a nap myself!  Nights aren't really planned.  They have two nights a week with their dad (I get them fully for two weeks of the summer and he gets two weeks) and one night of gymnastics. We have movie nights, play at the park, or swim in the pool.  Last night, the four of us, including Military Man, all piled in the pool, laughing and playing.  It was Breakfast for Dinner night (our favorite!)

Maggie is attending a VBS next week in the morning and we have our regular once a month date nights with the girls where A and I split up the girls two nights and do something special with each one.  We started that last July and I make sure we set something up with the girls every month.  Maggie gets to plan our nights together.  Last month, she chose a restaurant we loved called Whiskey Cake then playing mini golf.  We've painted pottery, gone to the movies, shopped at the mall and gone to museums.  Next week is a girly night of getting our nails painted then seeing Brave at the movie theatre.  Next month we have tickets to see the musical Peter Pan, courtesy of the Christmas gift from Boyfriend to see three musicals.  Katie is a lot more simple.  I take her to play at the mall, the playgroup, go swimming, or just play at home.  It is my hope that we will continue this monthly date nights for many years to come with the girls.  It's so good for them.

It's going to be a long summer with the house on the market and the uncertainty of where we will end up.  It certainly has it's fair amount of stress and feelings of being overwhelmed for me, but hopefully, all my children will remember in the end is the fun we had and the time we spent together.

Last Day Love

It's the last day of school.  At our teacher luncheon, I got my plaque from winning the student nominated teacher award.  It'll be proudly displayed in the my classroom.  The best gift I got today was handwritten letters from four of my best students expressing their gratitude to me.  I started this job ONE DAY after finalizing my divorce.  To say I was in turmoil is an understatement.  Truly, this job helped me through.  I'm in tears at my desk realizing the impact it has made on my life.  I have tears of love and, to be honest, of sheer exhaustion, as I look back since the first day of new teacher training on August 10th. 

I don't know that I could properly express it all.  Instead, I am going to share a letter from Talia, a 7th grader, who I adore.  The letter was a handmade card.  It came with a handmade name badge necklace that is gorgeous and a silly paper of pictures of her cat, "Big Larry."  Big Larry has made many an appearance in French class, including as the main character of her children's book project. 

Typed up exactly as Talia wrote it (in bright blue ink with neon green for the PS).  You have to hear this in your head as a sweet girl with a twisted fun sense of humor--

Dear Madame,

I have a absolutely LOVED being in your class this year!  On the 1st day of school, I knew you would be my favorite teacher all year.  Then that day, probably 2 or 3 weeks into school, I had the steno emergency.  I could tell by the way you just laughed and gave me the stapler that we had the same personality.  They always say save the best for last, I guess that's why I have French 8th period....THE BEST CLASS OF THE DAY!!  Your teaching styles are so great and understable.  Everyone enjoys French (if they don't, they should!)  You always have fun stories to share whether it is about Maggie, Katie, or even the rare story about Military Man!  My favorite stories you tell are still the inspiring ones.  Every time one of those comes up it makes me feel like I really can grow up to be what I want to be and make a difference in the world, like you.  Maybe one day I'll be that ex-student coming back to one of your classes, telling them about my very own adventures in France.  I have enjoyed learning a new language, and thanks to your great teaching, my grade has not gone below 98 all year!  Only the very best teachers can relate and make a connection with their students, which you do.  Once I get to the high school, I think I'd like to continue French, but those teachers have my high expectations of your great teaching to live up to.  I can't wait until next year to make more memories in French.  No doubt they'll be great!

Je t'aime!
Talia

PS--I enjoyed meeting your daughters at the talent show.  You've raised 2 delightful young ladies and I hope to meet them again when they're older.  Maybe by then Katie will have grown into her skin/chunk (as cute as she is, she can't go through life sitting on people she has an issue with!)  I'm sure they will both grow up to make you very proud.  Best wishes to you and the rest of the gang with the move this summer and have fun in Paris!!

I know how you feel, Katiebug

Home Stretch

Three and a half days.  Just three.and.a.half.days. 

If you think students count down until the end of the school year, triple it and you've got the teachers.  Semester exams are Tues--Fri morning next week.  We get out at 12:40 on Friday instead of our normal 3:30. 

Love my job.  Love my school.  Ready for a break!

Internal Struggle

You know, I really haven't been that angry towards A in a very long time.  I've tried my best to be friendly and respectful.  He's a terrific dad who is very involved with our kids.  That's the best I could ask for. He helps me when he can and he's fairly flexible with our ever changing busy schedule with the girls.   I try my best not to speak ill of him to others and not on this blog.  That's wrong and doesn't help move forward for anyone.  I've forgiven him for so much of what has happened in our marriage and divorce, just as I hope he's forgiven me. 

With all that said, I'm struggling with anger now.  A deep anger towards him that I am struggling to control. Boyfriend  and I have worked NONSTOP on this house for the past two weeks to get everything prepared.  To finally get me out of the mess that was left on me. We don't get weekends together.  Ever.  Our last one was mid-March and our next is mid-August.  We've been planning for months that we would have a low key weekend in his one bedroom apartment bachelor pad.  Nope.  We worked.  All weekend on the house.  I watched my boyfriend, who had just had a minor surgery on his arm and shoulder, pull out huge bushes in the front yard.  Poor guy even busted open his wound on his shoulder.  We've done so much work because we both KNOW this is the right decision.  We know that it will free up so much for me and make a huge difference in my life with the girls.  The equity will help me get out of my mini-van and get much lower vehicle payments.

There's the issue.  The equity.  I have to split it.  To say this angers me might be a bit of an understatement.  We have to do all this work and sacrifice the home I've had with my girls, and I have to give half the equity to the man that lived there three months.  Most of the equity comes from what we put into the house from the sale of our other though, so I get it.  I do.  It just pisses me off.  I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help but feel like I'm getting screwed over. 

I need to work through this anger because it does no one any good.  Last night, I couldn't even be the one that was there when A dropped off the kids.  I didn't want him anywhere near me or my home.  I took a shower and when I got out, they were being dropped off to .Boyfriend  I didn't come out until I knew A was gone.  Today, we have a parent conference for kindergarten and I'm already dreading seeing or talking to him.  Recital is this weekend.  I can't be filled with anger every time I see him.  Thing is, he doesn't even know I'm mad.  He probably will now that I've typed this because I have heard that my blog gets back to him even though he doesn't read it.

I'm working on it.  As my realtor recommends, I am trying to visualize the good that will come from this move.  Visualize how it will change our lives for the better and make a difference.  Visualize less bills, less work and upkeep on the home.  Less stress.  More free time, more money for other things such as activities and extras for the girls. 

I am SO happy in my life right now. I love my job, love my kids, and love the man I am sharing it all with.  There is so much on the horizon.  I just need to let go of this last bit of feeling towards A and move on.  I need to let go of the anger.

So much

There is SO much to write about.  Every topic deserves a blog dedicated to it.  I want to write about it all, but I just haven't found the time. 

For example, I want to tell you about sitting in the faculty meeting Thursday morning during Teacher Appreciation Week and hearing my name called as the Spirit of (Name of School) winner.  Two teachers were recognized in the school after all 1,300 students all nominated a teacher.  I'd love to share all the comments I had emailed to me.  Comments like this one--"This teacher  loves teaching  and cares about all of their students. They are both nice and fun. They really help the students understand more and pushes them in the right direction. By far, the best teacher at this school."

I need to write all about the difficult decision to put the house on the market and the mad dash to have everything prepped by next Monday.  It's been hours of discussion with me and  Boyfriend over what is best for me and the girls.  Looking at budgets, apartment hunting, meeting with the realtor, and of course, PACKING.  We have a massive to-do list and he is so wonderfully helping me with everything.  The house needs to be ready for the realtor to come in and do her magic with staging and photography by Tuesday the 22nd. 

Writing one paragraph about watching my dearest friend Tracey exchange vows Saturday night could never do it justice.  How I sat next to Boyfriend holding his hands and silently cried as I listened to them pledge their love.  How we partyed on a rooftop patio dancing and laughing with our kids and our closest friends.  How my heart felt as though it would burst when the last dance came and my   Boyfriend was dancing, eyes closed, holding Maggie tightly with her arms wrapped around him.  It was the best night and I'm thrilled for Tracey and her new wonderful family as they enter this new chapter of their lives. 

Mother's Day needs it's own post but probably isn't going to get one.  It wasn't the relaxing day of indulgence and spoiling for mama (though I did get to sleep in!).  It was six hours of working on the house and then play time at the park before dinner at a little restaurant just the four of us.  It was walking down the street to the restaurant with all four of us hand in hand.  For the first time in seven years, I didn't cry on Mother's Day.  This was a welcome change.

So, you see, there is SO MUCH to write about.  Give each one the best attention they deserve, but I can't.  This week is a golf tournament for Heroes for Children, major exams for all my French classes, and more house prep.  So, I'm not going to be able to write. 

I'm stressed.  I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed.

I've never been happier. 

The BEST

My Heart

Last night, Deanna met me and the girls at a random field in Plano for a photo session.  Our first as our little family of three.  We brought bubbles, hula hoops, costumes, and even Maggie's ballet recital outfit.  Katie was a bit jealous at the pretty "rina dress" and insisted she try it too.  The result?  Photography perfection. 

These girls are my everything.  My world and my heart.  To have them captured by Deanna's camera like this?  Couldn't be more thankful.  I keep staring at the photos and even texted a friend "I made them."  I have tears staring at my beautiful babies. 

Thank you so much, De!!  Anyone who is local and looking for portraits of their family this spring needs to check out http://www.devine-photography.com/.

Healing Power of Music

I've written before that I've found a connection to music more since my separation/divorce/singlemommyhood/dating times than ever before in my life.  I've appreciated lyrics and found solace in words.  I've connected with pain, hope, healing, and happiness more through songs.  Sometimes, I lie in bed and listen to songs in the dark.  I've wiped my tears while hitting replay on the same song for the third time.  I've cranked up a song to cheer me up and jump around the room a bit. 

So, while this is not a full list by any means, I thought I would give you an idea of some of the songs I've turned to for various reasons.  Please feel free to comment and give me more!


When there is still hope of a reconciliation and hope to repair--Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies

When the heart is newly broken and heartache is everything--Break Even by The Script

When the idea of the person you love possibly being with someone else hurts more than imaginable--White Blank Page by Mumford & Sons

When you just plain hurt--Everybody Hurts by REM

When you hurt but you need to remember it will get better--Better in Time by Leona Lewis

When you want the other (and yourself!) to know you'll be just fine on your own--Rolling in the Deep by Adele

When it's time to let the other person go and move on--Starting Now by Ingrid Michaelson

When the idea of love seems wrong and something you want to avoid to protect yourself--Bruised by Ben Folds

When its just time to dance and feel good--Rock and Roll by Eric Hutchinson

When you need to remember it always gets better in life--Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer

When you are cautiously approaching new love--Glass by Thompson Square

When you're feeling good about how far you've come and becoming independent and confident--Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine

When you're feeling optimistic about love and the future--Question by the Old 97s

When you know you've got something really great in new love--Follow Through by Gavin Degraw

When it's time to admit you're so far gone in love and want this person forever--Fine by Me by Andy Grammer

When you're happy, lucky in love and the second chance at happiness--The Luckiest by Ben Folds (our song)

Dynamic Duo of Chaos

With my roommate Grace after we ran out of gas this morning, earning us the nickname of "Dynamic Duo of Chaos" from Boyfriend

My Easter babies

Kindergarten picture. My HEART

May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

OHHH.EMMM.GEEE.  How did I wait this long to read the Hunger Games? I held out thinking it didn't interest me for the longest time.  Then, the book fair came to my school and my students were all buying it like crazy.  With the movie coming up, I thought I would give in and read it.  I'm HOOKED.  I started Mockingjay last night after finishing the first two.  I've even got MM reading it.  He passed it on to his oldest child and she's anxiously waiting for Dad to hurry up and finish Catching Fire so she can get it. 

We go see the movie on Wednesday night for our next date night.  I can't wait! 

Do you like the books?  Who do you like most--Peeta?  Katniss?  Gale?  Please--don't tell me anything about the movie until after Wednesday night!!

Fine by Me

Eating Out

This picture cracks me up so much.  It was date night last week and I took it and texted to MM's brother with the caption "Our to dinner.  Wanna guess which plate is mine and which is your brother's?" 

Let me fill you in--Military Man likes "to savor his food."  You see, in his mind, if you pay good money for a meal, you need to fully enjoy every bite.  Apparently, me notsomuch.  I've learned being with him that I inhale my food (years of being a mom maybe?).  And so, I eat quickly and sit and stare at the man for up to fifteen--twenty minutes while he savors each.and.every.freaking.bite. 

And I love him for it. 

Date night with one very special lady!

Favorite flowers from my favorite man. Happy Valentine's Day!

My monkey is turning TWO!! happy birthday, my sweet Katie!

Divorce Reality

Yesterday was A's birthday.  Mine is in 11 days. The first birthday we spent together was our 18th.  We dressed up--he wore a suit and I got my prom dress early--and went to a fancy dinner at The Mansion on Turtle Creek.  We were young and in love.  A and I spent every birthday from then on celebrating with a dinner or something with friends and family on MLK weekend in between the two dates. 

I have never had a birthday as an adult that didn't include Andrew Scott. 

And now, my birthday is in less than two weeks.  A was yesterday and Katie is the 23rd.  We have split our custody up.  He has them the weekend before up until Katie's birthday party with all of us.  I have them Katie's birthday and requested that I have them an extra night (they are usually with him on Tuesdays) for my birthday.  I have MM who will be with me at everything, including dressing up as Indiana Jones for the 80s Movie Themed party I'm throwing with my friend Chris. 

Yesterday, I ended up in bed at 8:30 crying.  I cried for about two hours off and on and didn't go to bed until well past 2.  It's not just the birthday.  There is a lot of other things going on that have occupied my thoughts.  I'm a zombie today. 

I've heard others say after divorce and finding someone new that they are thankful for the divorce because it led them to someone new.  I do not feel this way.  I'm thankful for Boyfriend.  I'm incredibly thankful for his presence in my life and I'm so happy with him.  However, I can't say I'm thankful for divorce.  I will not say that I am thankful that the family I loved changed and the man I cared so much for my entire adult life left me.  I miss A.  I miss our friendship.  I miss telling him things and him understanding because he's been apart of my life for so long.  I miss the history and the dream of the life I thought we would lead forever.

That is the harsh reality of divorce. 

Most days, I'm doing ok.  Most days I can find my happy within the crazy, hectic, fun life I have created in the last year.  There are those days, like yesterday, that are an earthquake in my life, shaking that happy.  Today, I'm feeling the aftershock.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.