Sunday, November 9, 2008

Battle of the Bulge

I have a problem. A weight problem. I've been struggling with it for years. I try to lose weight. I fail. I feel deflated when I realize my current size. I lose weight.



And then I gain it all back. Again, and again, and again.



So here I now sit the biggest I've ever been in my life, and I can't get a handle on it.



This year, I've dieted three times. I've lost a total of twenty five lbs (cumulatively--the most was 12) and gained thirty. I have one pair of jeans that currently fit, I only shop at one store these days, and I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I'm out of shape, tired all the time, and stressed. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm grieving and crying, I eat. And when I don't want to face my issues, you guessed it--I EAT.



The hardest part?



I'm ready for another baby. I want to get pregnant, but I am unwillingly to try at this current size. I just can't agree to pregnancy at this current state because it will just make it worse. I'm spiraling down. A pregnancy now would just make it worse. I know this. I've known it for about a month. And in the last month? Instead of taking the initiative and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, I've eaten more. Worse. And now? Ugh.



I'd like to tell you that this is a new revelation that will make me stick to it, but I don't know. I'm ready to give it another go. A fourth try. Yet, I can't help anticipating that fourth failure.

34 comments:

Melissa said...

Big hugs Jenny, I have this problem with food as well, I know we've discussed this before, I'm a stress/comfort eater too and it sure does get me in trouble :) If only food didn't taste so darn good! :D I wish we lived closer so we could make each other get out and go walking each evening or something. You can do it though! I know you can and I believe in you! :) Have you ever checked out www.sparkpeople.com It's been a awesome tool for me when I can make myself use it and stick with it and it's free :)

Sherrie said...

I can relate to your weight issues. I'm right there with you. I just had my 2nd baby in March, and I was bound and determined to shed the weight. Have I? Well, I did, but then gained it and then some back. I'm going to try the Couch to 5K plan. We shall see how it works! Good luck to you and hang in there! You are not alone!

Jenny said...

Sherrie--Andrew and I are looking at the Couch to 5K program. We're also considering the Dallas half marathon through Team in Training as a way for us to exercise and do this together.

Good luck!

mydogteaser said...

I have struggled with my weight since puberty, so I totally get it. Hugs to you. I was so sick during my second pregnancy with hyperemisist that I lost 40 pounds. Did I keep it off? Negative.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself and don't use your weight as a deterrent to having another baby. If I waited to be at a healthy weight, I doubt I would ever have had babies. If you get pregnant, you will eat healthier and take better care of yourself. Go for another baby! You and Andrew make beautiful babies.

gnome517 said...

henry ford said:
"if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right"
what did you learn from those other times that can help you be successful THIS time? like, um, maybe not dwelling on those other times and giving yourself permission to fail by anticipating it?

sorry, WW leader here, just spouting a little. bottom line is, you can and you will.....when you decide that you can and you will :)

Lollyblogger said...

I am right there with you. At my heaviest, last Janaury- I realized I had gained almost 50lbs since getting married 12 years earlier. I was so tired of not wanting my photo taken, avoiding buying clothes- the whole nine yards.

I joined weight watchers last January, and did it until I moved in June. I lost 15lbs. I've since lost another 5- wish it was more, but I'll take it. I have another 30 to go. The biggest thing for me was finally accepting where I was. Not beating myself up over it, or thinking how I got there, but just letting the number be the number. And then getting that number to go down. slowly- while still maintaining somewhat of a social life (food is fun!). I'm no case study, and struggle with this daily- but if I can do it, You can too! Stop beating yourself up, and just take it in small steps. You'll get there before you know it.

arbrashears said...

I won't make it sound easy - I know it is SO hard. The comfort eating can be so difficult too. It seems too that you are busy, which must make it hard to eat healthy on the go. (I have a couple of great websites if you want the, calorie counting ones for every fast food and restaurant you can imagine, also the calories just in regular foods. Another site even to get the newsletter to is Jillian (Michaels I think? The one who does the fitness aspect on that tv show?) has brief every day ideas and reminders. I know you have been there, done that. I believe in you though! Even if you have started and fallen back, this might be just the time that you'll start and keep going (although all of us will have some variations) Maybe making smaller goals to start -- 5 pounds at a time, doing anything that is fun or that you enjoy. Sounds like you and Andrew had great ideas! I know it can be hard to feel positively when you've had bad experiences with it --but try to think about this time being a good run, instead of anticipating a fail. I know you can do this -- and I think you are strong and courageous to be willing to give it another go!! Will be cheering you on...

Aimee

I tried to answer you on twitter but don't know if it shows on yours unless you follow me too. If you want to, I'm aimeerb (if not, no worry!!)

You can do it Jenny! You've shown what a strong woman you are. You truly are beautiful. I just hope you'll get to wherever it is that you are happy about both the way you look and feel!

Kelly said...

I'm right there with ya!! And.... I'm currently 7 months pregnant. I wanted to lose weight BEFORE I got pregnant but I just kept putting it off and the situation got worse and worse. Mirrors what you described exactly. I finally just bit the bullet...got pregnant...and I'm dealing with it. So far I haven't gained as much weight this time as I did with Jenna but it's not over yet. I figure I'll get back on track after the baby but it's never easy. Just know you are not alone with this problem! Good luck!!

sarah said...

hugs jenny. i know your issues wiht weight. I have been overweight for years. i had the lapband done. that hasnt been my cure all either. I am doing good with it. i have met with a lady that does angel readings. She told me to not think of it as weight loss but sliming down. See it melting. that has helped my mind set. Her email is indigonat07@yahoo.com she is fab.
sarah

Kristi said...

I can also totally agree with you and the weight issue. I hate shopping, getting my picture taken, and buying clothes. I ended up getting the Wii Fit, and I love it. It's not intense, I don't sweat, but it's a great workout. I have lost some weight, (finally) and almost enjoy getting on it at night. It may be something to look into.

The six foot tall red head... said...

I could have written that post, Jenny (with the exception of wanting to have another baby - I have three and am done with that!) I agree with the pp's who talked about your self-talk and the way you think about it. When I have been the most successful with weight loss has been when I was being kind to myself with comments about my progress and the thoughts in my head.

Good luck!
Kelly

~Karley~ said...

The holidays are always a rough time to lose weight.... I'm 20 lbs overweight and have been trying all year like yourself. It's such a roller coaster ride.

robinandamelia said...

Jenny, this is something so many of us struggle with that's for sure. I have recently started running as well. Find it's given me the best results. I've been running 5K's, heading for a 10K this month and hopefully, a 1/2 marathon in May. The couch to 5K is similar to what I did, though I did not follow it (just looked after the fact). All the best and don't get discouraged.

The Houser's said...

My husband and I have this bet to lose 20 pounds (combined) before Christmas!! Rotten time of the year to be trying to lose weight.. But last night he was on the elliptical *torchure devise* and my workout was to lay on our bed and watch him.. sad!! It's hard to find the time, the energy, the motivation.. but it can be done. And in this case I want to wear that cute outfit I found for Christmas in a size smaller!! Best of luck..

HollyH said...

you know I feel ya, sista. Good luck to you- I know you can do it! I just started today with my attempt! 'nuff said.....

Misty said...

Jenny go take a look at my blog im trying to get a group of ladies together and do it all together let me know what you think

Amy said...

I hardly ever post, but read often, and I just wanted to throw some support your way as someone who's come out on the other side. For me, no diet or program would work. I'd cheat all the time, and then justify it to myself. (I've had a hard day, etc.), but once I got angry about my situation I decided to change my lifestyle. I didn't consider it a diet, I had to find a balance between giving myself a chance to splurge every once and a while and looking at myself and acting as a healthy eater. When you change how you think and talk to yourself (inner dialogue), it changes everything. Start with an exercise program before you go on a super strict diet. That way, you'll know that you have to work that much harder when you over-eat. YOU CAN DO IT! You're worth it. As one of my workout instructors says, "Don't give up on you!" I've lost 35lbs since April. I never thought I'd get here, but here I am. Get pumped and go for it!

mama2one said...

I'm sorry you're so torn. I'm in the same boat. I have been on so many diets before too. I think I've been in "diet mode" for the last 3 years. Sad. I think I've hit a turning point though. It's no longer a diet with me but a lifestyle change. That's what you need. There are two books that have helped me the most: 1) The Beck Diet Solution by Judith Beck (NOT a diet but a book to help work through the emotional issues of being overweight) & 2) the GI Diet by Rick Gallop (not a diet but a lifestyle change).
I wish you all the best. And thanks for sharing stuff like this with us -- most of us are all in the same boat on this topic.

Susan P said...

You can do it! I KNOW you can. Biggest advice....get a friend to do it with you. It holds you accountable. I've been working out with a friend and trainer for 10 weeks now and I have lost 17 pounds. In ten short weeks!! I eat healthy Monday-Friday and cheat(but cut back on portions) during the weekend. That way I don't feel like I am depriving myself. Good luck!!

Mo said...

Jenny,
It's Griffin's Mom. Weight is something I've always struggled with (still struggling) but signing with with Team in Training Last May and just walked the Dallas 1/2 marathon Nov 2nd has definetly helped! I was so proud of myself and it was truely the most amazing experience of my life. I'm hooked and will be signing up for the next season. We meet up to walk on Sat morning at Market Street in McKinney. I'm out there walking if you want someone to walk with. -Monique
mo@griffinoutpost.com

Greta said...

Hi Jenny, I rarely comment but wanted to offer you support.
I wanted to suggest a good calorie counter website. It's what finally worked for me rather than trying to "guess" that I was eating healthy or trying to compute points from WW.
It's pretty much a mathematical approach....you will lose weight if you consume less calories than you burn. It was eye opening to me to see just how many calories were in the stuff I was shoving in my mouth. Stuff that I thought was healthy (salads) were terrible in regards to calories.
The website I used was http://caloriecount.about.com/
It's free, and after you enter your age, weight, lifestyle, weight goal, etc, it helps you calculate what your daily target calorie consumption should be.
In simple terms, if you burn 500 calories more than what you consume every day, you'll lose 1 lb a week. Healthy target is no more than a 1000 calorie/day deficit to only lose 2 lbs/week.
It's a bit tedious in regards to logging what you eat, but once you get the hang of it, you'll start to remember how many calories are in things. It helped me control the "little bite here, little bite there" crap I was eating all day. Plus helped me make healthier choices when eating out.
Good luck!

GoSuze! said...

I read every bit of that last entry with "me too" "me too" ringing in my head. What helps me is a very easy free online website, sparkpeople.com. It keeps track of my intake and outgo, lots of charts and graphs and support. I've lost about 8 pounds that way, if I journal, I can lose. Hope this helps. (From a kerner girl).

rae said...

Jenny,
Try weight watchers, I lost 30 lbs on it!

Jen said...

I too hsve a problem with food. I am a foodie. I love my food. But last February I had it. I was "over" it. I went to the doctor, had a physical and heard the words that no 33 year old should hear. I was inching closer to having a stroke and major cardiac issues each day. My cholesterol levels were sky high. My mom had just died of a heart attack and the doctor told me that I would be next if something didn't change.

I did change and I do feel better. I'm done with not being able to fit in clothes that are ridiculously oversized. I just gave away all of my big girl clothes. I can now shop at pretty much any store I want to. For the first time in fifteen years I feel good in my skin. And I'm loving it.

I tell you all this to let you know that I know it's a struggle. Do it for yourself. I know I'll struggle every day with loving my food. I know I don't want to be any bigger anymore.

I'll be here cheering you on as you take on your fourth attempt. And I'll be rooting for your success!

Mama of 2 P's in a Pod said...

I have spent most of my adult life at least 30 pounds overweight. I ballooned up to 80 pounds overweight right before I had my P's! Thankfully, having two babies helped my body and I am currently only 40 pounds overweight but that is such a big number to me! I am with you though and its a vicious cycle! You are in my prayers hon! I don't have any magic words or solutions because if I did, there would not be the 40 pounds I need to lose still hanging around. But know you are not alone!
Liz

Esther said...

Jenny, you will LOVE doing the half marathon with TNT. 2 years ago I didnt think I could ride my bike 10 miles, much less 100 miles, but I did it and have since done it 3 more times. And now two years later, I am running too. Life-changing doesnt even begin to describe it!

Minivan Mom said...

I've walked around with a blog post about my weight for weeks. I mean, it's written in my head - title and all.

The reason I haven't written it yet? I plan on giving my current weight in it, and I really want to lose a few pounds before I do that.

The irony does not escape me.

I'm there with you. I wish we could all somehow motivate each other, but that doesn't seem to be working...

emily said...

Hi Jenny,
I know you love Twitter - have you heard about Tweightloss? It's a competition like the Biggest Loser, but it's made up of regular people on Twitter. It's a lot of fun, and it's great to get immediate support - several times I've tweated something about eating pizza or resisting a brownie, and it really does help to have people give me alternatives or strength. Anyway, the website is www.tweightloss.com, or you can search Twitter. Another fun way to use social media!

Good luck!
Emily
Momminitup.com

Jennifer said...

Jenny,

I have struggled with my weight since having kids. I have done the weight watchers and south beach thing. Then at work we began the biggest loser contest. What better motivation than to win the prize that comes with it. I researched and began using Alli. This has helped me tremendously. It taught me the things I should be eating to stay within my target calorie and fat intake. Also I began to write everything down that I ate in the day and this was the best thing ever. I have lost 10 lbs in 1 month-1 1/2 months. Good luck to you :-)
Jennifer

mum1228 said...

Hi Jenny,

At least you know you are soooo not alone. I left the other post about Turbo Jam. I know you have to find your own way. I always think of it as a personal journey. Just to give my humble two cents, stop thinking of it as a diet. Just work on choosing healthier foods and healthier portions one step at a time one day at a time. I read your blogs and think of all your dedication and time you give to Heroes for Children. You deserve to give yourself the same dedication and time. Also, be easy on yourself; you have had to go through a lot the past few years. You deserve to be kinder to yourself. Each day is a new day. I know it is hard, but just keep going forward and don't look back. Anyway, there you go, my humble two cents. Best of luck to you. As you can tell, we are all here to offer you support. Take care!

Coleen said...

Jen,
I have to admit that I am the biggest I've ever been as well! I know we haven't seen each other in a couple years, but with the stress of my businesses and the economy, I've added on the pounds. Total sweet tooth and owning a business with amazing food has done me in! After having Addie I lost weight, but I think my metablism slowed since I turned 30 and my birth control doesn't help either. I think doing a half marathon would be a great idea (don't think I could, but more power to you!). That way you're not focusing on weight loss as a goal, but focusing on distance running. My problem is finding time to exercise. If I'm exercising I feel guilty that I'm not with the girls. I've let that be an excuse, but I know it shouldn't. Best of luck to you and hopefully next time I see you, you'll be super thin!!!

Coleen

Melissa said...

Oh boy, I hear ya! I have 3 kids, 7, 5, 2....and I would really like another one soon. But same as you, I just don't want to get any bigger! It is so hard to loose the weight! 8 years of marriage and 30 pounds heavier.....Good luck!!! I'll be trying too!

Jay and Hillary Family News said...

I can totally relate and am just wishing that a totally safe fat cell killing pill would be invented! Good luck!!! I'm trying to get to my goal weight before getting pregnant again. . .I didn't do that the first time and paid for it by being HUGE and miserable after Jackson was born.

Pipsylou said...

The ONLY thing that has worked for me is just deciding to eat in moderation. And I eat the smallest bites you have ever seen. Instead of 4 pieces of pizza at the pizza place, I have found veggies I like to eat (peppers and carrots), so I eat those and drink lots of water before we go - and then when we are at the pizza place, I'll have one slice and feel full.

I, too, am an emotional eater. I gained 60 pounds with my first baby and 30 with my second - but the only way I've been able to get down to pre-wedding weight was to just eat in moderation. Some things I learned in Weight Watchers helped, but sometimes I would get frustrated when I went over my points so I would just eat and eat thinking, "well, who cares, I ruined the day anyway."

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have been through SO much, and I am willing to bet you there are many in your life who think you are just so beautiful! I think you are! It just exudes from your person.

so I guess my advice would be moderation in eating - don't limit what foods you can have, just eat a small amount of them.

I'm sort of wont to say you might just get pregnant now, and then get rid of ALL of the weight after the baby is born. That is what I did...

That's all I got! ;)